Both Sides Of The Fence 3: Loose Ends

by Pope, M. T.

  I found me a small massager, stripped out of my clothes, turned on some music and stretched out on a towel on my bed. I was just about to put the massager to my clit when my phone began to ring.

  “Hello.” I was a little pissed.

  “Hey pumpkin!” My father called me my pet name. “What are you doing?”

  “Studying,” the lie came out so easy. I couldn’t believe I was a grown women still lying about pleasuring myself. Shit his ass probably does too. “Gotta keep these grades up.”

  “That’s good, Ash.” My father was such a sucker sometimes. He believed everything I told him.

  “How is Mom, Diana, Shawn and Brittany?” I was trying to avoid him asking me about work or getting a job as much as possible.

  “They’re all doing well.” he noted. “I was actually calling to see if you had gotten a job yet.”

  Damn! I can’t catch a break to save my life.

  “Dad, I been trying,” I said in a sweet baby-girl voice that melted his heart every time. I was a daddy’s girl for sure. Seeing that we had some stuff in common, he was always a little less stressful toward me than he was toward Alex and the other kids. He knew that I was wrestling with my sexuality too, so I could use that against him from time to time just to get by or anything I needed. In this case, more time to look for a job or pretend to look for one for all that matters. “It’s been so hard Daddy. You know ... I—I ... been struggling with ... you know.” I paused for effect and then kept it moving toward my finale. “I just don’t wanna get out of bed at times. I’m just so tired of all of this! I can’t do it anymore!”

  “Ashley, I know what you are dealing with. Believe me, I do, but you got to move on and press forward past your issues. Don’t let them get you down and when they do, call me, so we can talk about it. Okay?” It gets him every time. I smiled to myself. People be making it easy, I thought to myself.

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  “So, with that said. I will need you to find a job in the next three weeks, because that is when I am cutting off the spending money I was sending you to tide you over.”

  “What!” My mouth fell open.

  “Is there a problem?” he sternly asked.

  “Daddy, didn’t you just hear me when I said I was going through?”

  “Ashley, that’s just an excuse. You’re an adult now. It’s time to step up.” He countered. “Life goes on, so you need to get through whatever you’re going through and find a job. It’s called multi-tasking. It’s not foreign to you because we made you guys do it when you were home. All you have to do is apply it now. Alex is doing it just fine and so can you.”

  “Fuck Alex!” I said before I could get a hold of my temper. I was in full effect right now and nothing was stopping me. “I’m Ashley ... your little girl ... your pumpkin.” By the time I got to “your pumpkin” I was mellow again for effect.

  “First, Ashley ... Watch your mouth when you’re talking to me. I’m still your father. And second ... you’ll always be my little girl.” His voice was as soft as a kitten’s meow. “It’s time for you to get on your own two feet and get your own. I can’t be there for you all the time and this is the only way you are going to learn of to provide for yourself. Get it?”

  “Yes, I get it, but—”

  “But nothing ... one month and then you are cut off.” He cut me off.

  “Okay, Daddy.” I agreed like I was defeated and he was the winner. I got two extra weeks before I would need to find a job. I was the winner. He just didn’t know it. Men ain’t got nothing on a woman.

  “Look, Daddy, I got to go and finish studying, take a shower and get into bed so I can get my day started early tomorrow.”

  “Sure, pumpkin. I don‘t wanna interrupt your flow. Don‘t forget to call me whenever you need to talk.”

  “Oh, I will, Daddy. Talk to you later.” I hung up the phone and looked into the mirror on my dresser at myself. “You’s a baddddd bitch.” I laughed and fell back on my bed ready to finish what I had started before I was interrupted by my father.

  Knock ... knock.... knock.

  “Yeah,” I called out to Alex on the other side of the door. I was interrupted from my pleasure once again.

  “Can I come in?”

  I blew out a frustrated breath before I answered. “Hold on.” I went to my closet and pulled out a satin purple robe and tied it around me as tight as I could and went to my door and opened it.

  “What?” I stood in my doorway with the door halfway open. I needed to nip this in the bud and get back to what I was doing: Me.

  “Can you come out into the living room for a moment? I need to talk to you about some stuff.”

  “Can it wait till tomorrow?” I huffed. “I’m busy.”

  “Come on, Ash. Give me a break with all that evil mess and come out here.” He looked sincere so I did what was asked of me and made my way out of my room and flopped down on the couch. I grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl on the table and started eating it. I still planned on getting a nut in my room after this talk. I usually get the munchies afterward, so I killed two birds with one stone. He sat across from me as he began to talk.

  “First, Ash, can I ask you where you got the money to get the car that is parked outside?”

  “Here we go again. All up in my business.” I rolled my eyes. This is shit getting old. “Does it really matter?”

  “No ... but I’m concerned about your well -being. You’re my sister and I don’t want to see you get hurt or anything like that because of some foolishness.” He had the most sincere look on his face. I had to admit he was always protective of me. Even though I gave him hell most of the time. You know ... typical female, never pleased.

  “I got a boyfriend and he paid for it.”

  Alex looked at me real hard and then burst out into a laughing fit. I just stared at him like he was crazy until he got himself together. You would have thought I was one of the queens of comedy the way he was laughing.

  “Yeah... . okay. Ash ... for real, you don’t have to worry about me asking you another question. That was a good one though. Boyfriend ... hahahahah.” He laughed for a few more seconds and then moved on.

  “You finished?” I asked seriously.

  “Yeah, I am. I also wanted to tell you that I ran into this guy who I think is our grandfather.”

  “Okay?”

  “Well, he was on some real crazy madness and I couldn’t get any info out of him about our birth father. I’m still working on finding others, especially his mom ... I just haven’t been able to locate her. I think she may have changed her name back to her maiden name or something, because Parks isn’t her last name. I have been through my entire list and came up empty. I might go back and talk to old dude to see if he would let up some info that he has about her. That might be a big mistake because that dude was certifiably crazy.”

  “Yeah ... okay. Do what you got to do. Just remember what I said, let me know about them if they have any money. Other than that, leave me out of it. Like I said before, I’m fine with the family I have already.” With that I got up, grabbed me a bottle of water from the refrigerator, some Chips Ahoy and made it back to my room to get it on. But before I got it on I sat back and thought about what Alex just told me. He said old dude was our grandfather and that he was “off his rocker.” In the back of my mind I thought it may be true that I may have some mental issues, but that was something I would have to worry about later on. Besides, I don’t think I’m that crazy ... just a little wild.

  Chapter 24

  Shawn

  ... Remember?

  May 8th 8:23 P.M.

  “Mona, do you think I spoiled Ashley?” I asked my wife as we sat in the living room. She was on the love seat and I was on the sofa which was diagonal to each other. The kids were outside playing in the yard. I had just got off the phone with Ashley about an hour ago and was wondering where I went wrong with her. Mona was reading a book, which she did most of the time, while I had the newspaper.
We looked like an old married couple.

  “Why you ask that?” she momentarily looked up from her book and asked.

  “I think she is acting out and up over there in California.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “Well, the conversation I had with her earlier wasn’t a friendly one. It seemed like I was talking to James on the phone.” Her eyebrows raised and then she looked at me really hard.

  “Huh?” She put the bookmarker in her book to save her place and then put it on the coffee table in front of her. “She can’t be acting like James because—” She paused mid-sentence. Like she was going back down our history with James and then she finished her statement. “Okay ... What are we gonna do about it?

  “We?” I asked bewildered.

  “Yes ... she is our daughter.”

  “I know Mona ... I just think that it is my fault she is like this.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, my mom did the same thing I did to Ashley when I was a child.”

  “You losing me.” She cocked her head to the side. “What are you trying to say?”

  “My mother knew that I was being molested and she tried her best to shield me from it by taking me on trips and simply putting it, spoiling me.”

  “Okay?”

  “Mona, my mother made my situation worse by not dealing with it, but covering it up. I went buck-wild.... remember?”

  “Yeah ... you are right about that.” She smiled.

  “I did the same thing to Ashley and now lord knows what she has gotten herself into out there.” I sat back in my chair and rubbed my now-throbbing temple.

  “So what are you going to do about it?”

  “I need to pray first. I am going to need some serious help with getting this situation rectified. I am going to need to be as up-front as possible about James and all the mess he put us through and I need to do it soon before it’s too late.”

  Chapter 25

  Wallace

  Snooping

  May 10th 2:23 P.M.

  Here I was again on another Saturday afternoon daddy-sitting at my parents’ house. My sister/brother was with his best friend. And my mom was at a church function again. I was dusting and cleaning around the house, but that was very little. My mother was an expert cleaner and she made sure everything was in place most of the time. I had to find something to do besides stare at my father, because he had little conversation for me and I didn’t have much to say to him either. There was still resentment there and I guess we both knew it. I just didn’t know why he had it for me. I really didn’t care that much either. What kept flowing through my mind was the fact that he basically turned Robert and David out. I still was stuck on stupid about that.

  I was wondering if my mother knew. I had no idea how to tell her or evidence to show her if I indeed had to be the bearer of bad news. I left my father upstairs in his own shit literally and figuratively.

  “I didn’t come back for all of this.” I frowned my face up in the bathroom mirror of the mini-bathroom next to the kitchen. I was overwhelmed with James’s past and now my family’s secrets were seeping out as well. I had to make myself busy so I decided to go down to the basement and see if I could find some of my old stuff that was packed away.

  I opened the basement door and a cool air hit me and caused me to breathe in and out really strong. Like a smoker take a breath after a puff on a cigarette. I began the descend down the steps and I remembered that the basement was broken down into three rooms: laundry, my father’s home office, and storage. I walked past the first door and then the second one and got to the last one. I opened the door and felt on the side of the wall for a switch to turn the light on. I rummaged through Christmas boxes filled with ornaments, cards and various other ornaments. Then I came upon the boxes with the names of all of us children: David, Robert, and then me. I only had one box and I pulled up an old rusty metal chair out of the corner of the room and sat down with me and my box full of memories.

  The first thing I saw when I opened the box was my chef’s hat that my mother had brought me with I was eleven years old. I pulled it out and tried it on for wear. It was too small. I didn’t have dreads at the time when I first got it. I smiled because I also saw the apron that my mother had brought me as well. There was a tear on the side where my father tried to snatch it off of me, when he saw that I had it on.

  “Only sissies cook,” he barked at me. I held firm to the apron with all my strength. I was about to give in when my mother came to the rescue.

  “Ronald,” she pleaded with her eyes as she spoke to my father. His gripped loosened as he stared at my mother and then at me. I had on a pitiful frown that I hope with get him off my case.

  “Okay.” He let go and moved on toward wherever he was going to before he spotted me. I looked up at my mother with a sparkling smile that made her kiss me on the forehead. It was my thanks for her rescuing me once again. You see I didn’t hate my father then. I was actually confused by his constant prodding me to “man up.” In my mind I was like “It’s just food, dammit!” but he saw it a whole different way. I still didn’t understand. I sifted through the box some more and found a composition notebook that I used to write recipes in as a boy. I opened it up and found my favorite recipe of all: oatmeal cookies. It was my mom’s own secret recipe. I smiled as I remembered the time she gave this to me. She said it was a secret and to tell no one. Come to find out her recipe was the same as anyone else’s. She made me feel special no matter what went on in the house. Don’t get it twisted my mom was just as good to my brothers, just in their own way. My mother knew how to spread the love evenly. Thinking on the secrets and turmoil that is going on right now made me think that kept secrets were like time bombs threatening to take a family down and maybe a few bystanders as well. I didn’t know what to expect next or what else was going to be exposed. After a few more seconds of rummaging through the box I decided to take it with me when I left. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me taking it. After all it was my things.

  I gathered up the box, switched off the lights and made my way back down the hall toward the stairs. When I stopped and looked at the door that led to my father’s home office, I knew it was unusual for me to be nosy, but I had to see why my father was so secretive with his psychologist practice.

  I sat my box down and peeked up the steps for a few seconds. My mom said she didn’t know how long she was going to be gone, but I didn’t want to be caught in a position of disrespect for my father’s privacy. And I didn’t want my mother to be disappointed in me, even as an adult. I heard nothing so I twisted the knob that opened the door. I grabbed my box in one hand and felt for a light with the other. Once I found the light I made my way in fully. I closed the door behind me, sat my box on the floor and looked around his makeshift office. Brown and white boxes were scattered about with names and dates marked on each one. A big brown desk with a lamp on it and an old television sat on a stand with a VCR attached to it.

  “What are you looking for Wallace?” I asked myself. I had no clue. I just looked. All those years of my father coming home and spending hours and hours down here had made me curious as a child. Now that he was out of practice, I figured what could the harm be to just take a look at all of the crazies my father tried to help. I sat down in a chair and just looked at all of the boxes.

  “He sure did help a lot of people,” I mumbled to myself. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and started opening box after box.

  Paranoid, delusional, out of touch with reality, schizophrenic. . . these were some of the terms I read on some of the files my father had in boxes. There were files so thick I know my father had to have been treating some of these people for years.

  After about a half hour of looking I became bored with it all and decided to get back upstairs just in case my father needed to be fed or something. I bent down to get my book off of the floor and what I saw made me drop to my knees and inspect it a little further to see if I was seeing what I
saw.

  “John Parks?” I pulled out a box with the name I knew all too well on it. “My father treated him too?”

  I sat the box on the desk and opened up the top to see what was in it. In the box were folders filled with papers and VHS tapes. I was confused because in the other box I looked through I saw only folders.

  “What’s up with that?” I wondered out loud. There were at least twenty tapes in the box with dates on them. I didn’t know if I had time to look at the tapes or what was on them, but I knew it had to be important for it to have been taped. I didn’t want to risk my mother or Rebecca walking in on me so I packed the entire John Parks box into my box and placed the box in the trunk of my car for when it was time for me to leave. I didn’t have a VCR at home because they were so obsolete, so I had to find one or somebody with one that I could trust. I sat in my parents’ house for another hour before my mom came home. I kissed her good night and exited the house in hurry.

  The next morning I called Alex to see if he knew of anyone who had a VCR or a device that could read VHS tapes. I hit the jackpot when he said he had one. I asked him if he could come over and bring it with him when he came. He reluctantly said yes, because I told him it was extremely important.

  Chapter 26

  Grace

  Grievances

  May 13th 2:13 P.M.

  I sat in my mother’s living room and looked around at my past. Putting together my mother’s obituary was hard work. My aunt Bella was making it a lot easier with the help she was giving. I didn’t want to put too much pressure on her because she was up in age too. I had just suggested she go home a little while after she came to help me sort through some pictures and stuff. She wanted to put certain pictures in the obituary that I didn’t want. I got frustrated with her, but she kept telling me that the truth will make me free and that I should come to grips with my past before it ruins the rest of my life. I wanted to tell her it was already too late, but I know she would have been convincing me otherwise. I still wasn’t trying to hear all of that. Truth is I just I want to be alone. I had some grievances with myself, my momma, and John.