by Pope, M. T.
“Wait ... wait, I need to ask you something,” he said with pleading eyes.
“What now man?” I said a little pissed off and disgusted. “I don’t want to know any more about my father. You said enough.”
“No, I want to know about my son. What was he like?”
“He wasn’t like you.” I looked at him sternly. “Nothing like you.”
“I never meant to hurt him, but I was so young when we had him and I was confused about my sexuality and I took it out on him. I know it’s too late to be apologizing, but I am. I loved my son. Well, I tried to love him. I—I—I know now that I did the worst thing a person could do to a child and I will never be able to forgive myself for it. So, I’ll ask you again. What was he like?”
“Your son was the most loving, attentive man I knew. He loved with all that was in him. I’m learning now that he wasn’t a saint, but he was a victim of circumstance and malicious treatment. All he wanted was genuine love and attention. We had that in the short time that we were together. But his past caught up with him and it didn’t end well for him. It was no one’s fault but his, but I am pretty sure that if you would have tied up the loose ends in your mental health, demons and such and got the help that you needed, he just may have ended up on a different path, but that’s too late now. What’s done is done.”
Tears glistened in the corner of his eyes and fell one by one down his cheek. His tears were fifty some odd years too late. He should have gotten the help he needed then and he wouldn’t be here asking about a son he could have gotten to know if it had not been for his foolishness.
“You know the sad thing about all of this? Your son has children that may or may not have to deal with the same things he did. You see he left this earth with loose ends too, but hopefully before it’s all over they won’t have to go through any of the pain and hurt that you pushed him into.”
“He has children?”
“Yes, and you met one and didn’t even know it.”
“When?”
“The young guy that was with me when I met you first, that was your grandson. But don’t worry about seeing him or the others, because he has witnessed you and all of your foolishness firsthand. I‘m positive that he will be having nothing to do with you now that he knows all about what you did to his father. So go back under the rock you crawled from up under and chew on the fact that you never enjoy the privilege of being a grandfather. I hope you and my father meet in hell ... Favorite son... . Huh. Y’all are some fucking lunatics.”
I opened my door to my car and pulled off, satisfied that I got one in for James.
Driving down the road I couldn’t help but thank God that I was not molested. That is just something that I don’t think I could deal with. I’m not an expert on the subject, but I’m pretty sure that being molested does a whole lot of damage to one’s psyche. It just destroys a person from the inside out. I am sure that James would have had some kind of normal life if he had not been molested. I just wasn’t sure if he was gay before or after he was molested. I am sure that the molestation didn’t help. I feel the same way about my brothers. Both were molested, but turned out completely different. It just goes to show you that tampering with someone’s sexually can have all kind of adverse affects: gender identity, violence, DL syndrome, and all kinds of mess. This world has some messed-up people, with messed-up minds. You just don’t know who it is. It could be someone close, even in your own family. Even a parent.
“Man, I thank God!” I hollered out to no one in particular. It could have be a lot worse for me. A lot worse.
I pulled into my driveway and made my way into my house. It was a quiet night in my neighborhood, but my mind was still on overload. I walked into my living room and past the television that held my family’s painful secrets. I shook my head in shame. I walked into my kitchen, grabbed me some lunch meat and bread to feed my empty stomach. I wolfed it down along with a Valium to ease my mood. I jumped into the shower with hopes of being able to jump into bed and get a good nap in. When I exited the shower I noticed a messaged on my phone. I dialed my voice mail. My mom’s voice came on.
Wallace, baby, your daddy is gone. He just died. Call me when you get this message.
Her voice was just as calm and serene. I listened to it a couple of more times, not know if I wanted to be true or not. I was pretty sure I knew everything that I need to know about him. So I decided to call my mom back in the morning. He was still going to be dead anyway. I know it sounds selfish but I need a small break away from everybody and everything, before I had to go and see if I could get David and Alex out of jail. I set my alarm, crawled into bed, grabbed the picture of James off of the nightstand and cried myself asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later still cloudy, but relaxed.
Chapter 38
David
Player Got Played
May 23rd 9:43 P.M.
“All this time I was on the DL, I was being scammed in my own damn house,” I mumbled to myself. It was ironic how I was sleeping with a man my whole marriage and didn’t even know it. I was creeping with a man on a man. I felt so dumb, so used. But I knew that this is what my hand called for. It was the one I was dealt and now I have to deal with it.
I looked over at Alex who sitting on the other side of the cell, with a worried look on his face. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. He didn’t even see it coming. That really has to have him messed up in the head. Dating a woman that is really a man. I would have hated to see him if they had done anything sexually. I really think somebody would have been writing two obituaries right now: his and my brother’s.
Then I started to think about how I was secretly trying to pursue him. Man, I felt like a rat. Here he is trying to date a woman and me pursuing unknowingly just to find out you dating a transsexual. Against my better judgment, I decided to go over and talk to him about my intentions. I needed to get this off my chest. We were in the cell alone, so I knew I didn’t have to worry about someone listening to our business.
“Alex, can I talk to you about something?” I walked over to where he was and sat a couple feet away from him on the same bench he was on.
“Sure, what about?” He was lying on his back and he got up to focus on me and what I was about to talk about.
“Well, I haven’t been completely honest about my intentions with you.”
“Okay.” He spoke with a plain face.
“I have been secretly trying to see if I could sleep with you. I didn’t know if you were gay or not and I thought that you were attractive and I wanted you.”
He got up off of the bench. I flinched a little and leaned back. I didn’t know what he was going to do. He looked at me for a few seconds and then he proceeded to walk up to me. He reached out arms as if he wanted something.
“What?” I asked confused by his gesture.
“Give me a hug.” he said.
“A hug?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“Yeah, man.”
“Did you just hear what I said?” I looked at him real hard. “I said I wanted to fuck you.”
“I know that, but I also know what happened to you.” He had a sincere look on his face.
“What do you know?” I asked, not sure if he really knew about me and my past.
“I know that you were molested. I know that you were pushed into who you are right now. But I also know that you need help with all that you are going through. So give me a hug and stop holding all of it in. You can lean on me and cry on my shoulder if you want to. ”
I slowly got up and embraced him and he did the same. I leaned my head on his shoulder and cried like I was a baby. I cried so hard that I started to wail, but he didn’t let go, even when the guard came to check on us. He still held me like a baby. After a few minutes I pulled away and sat back down on the bench to get myself together.
“Now there are some things I want to tell you.” He sat back down himself.
“Okay,” I sniffed back a few more tears.
“Well
, the man who molested you is my grandfather. He was one of the people I was trying to locate. I didn’t know that he was who he was. What I do know is that he is not a well man. I apologize on the behalf of him. I don’t know if it will help but, I’m sorry for all of the pain he put you through and your family. That is why I forgave Rebecca. Sitting over here at first I was angry at her, for withholding such a thing from me, but I know now that she was holding on to something far greater than her identity. She was also holding on to a lot of hurt, pain and shame. I can’t hold that over her head. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a little mad, but I will get over that. I just hope you guys get the help that you all need.”
“We will ... we will.” I nodded my head in agreement.
“That’s cool.” He smiled.
A few hours later, Wallace showed up to get us out. After Grace and Rebecca called down and explained the situation to the arresting officers, we were released.
Wallace dropped me off at the hospital where my car was and proceeded to take Alex back home.
I pulled up to my house and struggled to get my head together. I entered my house and looked around. It was a different feeling in the house now.
“This was all a lie.” I moaned in pain. “A lie that you contributed to ... fully.” My conscience spoke back to me like “I told you so.”
“Well, it couldn’t last forever.” I walked up to my mantle in the living room and looked at the pictures of me and my “wife.”
“I’m a liar, you a liar, don’t you wanna be a liar too.” I sung the lyrics to a song we sung in elementary school. I didn’t know that shit would come back to bite me in the ass now.
The only good news I received today was the fact that my father was now deceased. Wallace told me as soon as he saw me in the jailhouse. I can’t even say I was happy about it. I just heard it and said okay. How do you respond to finding out that the man who was supposed to love and care for you, but did the complete opposite, has died? I knew for sure that I was going to need years of counseling and help. That was a present to myself. I was going to make it. I had no choice but to. I had family that I pushed away for so many years to help me. My mom and my brothers. I just need to make this one call to get some much-needed answers.
Chapter 39
Grace
Breathing for the First Time
May 23rd 11:30 P.M.
I was sitting over my aunt’s house in one of her spare bedrooms, crying my eyes out. When I called and asked her if I could come over for a couple of days, she didn’t even ask any questions. She just said “sure, baby.” I was a little dumbfounded and confused that she didn’t question me or any of that. Truth be told, all I want to do was kill myself. It was official. I was all alone. I couldn’t even go back to my home or my job. I had nothing left. I had a bottle of sleeping pill that I had stopped to get at the pharmacy before I got here. I figured dying in my aunt’s house was best. Since she was the only family I had left.
My cell phone rang and I sluggishly got up off the bed to go see who it was. I was hoping it was Ashley so I could tell her where to go and how to get there. In a way, I was so glad the lies and secrets were out of the bag. I wanted to tell that freak of a girl to get on away from me and be done with her for good. Who is saw on the caller ID caused me to stall for a few seconds before answering.
“Hello.” My voice was barely above a whisper.
“Hey,” I heard my husband speak into the phone in the same tone. There was a few seconds of silence before he spoke again. “Can I talk to you for a few?”
“Yes.” Tears ran down my cheek like a waterfall. I was shocked that he would even want to talk to me about anything after all that went down. I know I wouldn’t have had anything else to do with me after all I lied to him about really being a man.
“Did John Parks molest you?”
“Yes ... yes he did.” My bottom lip trembled in emotion. All that I endured as a child flooded my mind once again.
“Well, he did the same thing to me.” He spoke and his voice was a little throaty, it was as if he was holding back tears.
“Really?” I spoke in awe. “He molested you too?”
“Yes, he did and my brother too.”
“Really?” I was shocked again. All of the time that Rebecca and I were friends we both knew we were both molested, but by the same man is what threw me. It was almost unbelievable. But then I thought about it and it made sense. He was a serial molester; we just didn’t know that we were all molested by him. I became furious all over again. I wanted his head on a stick. I wanted to kill him, like I was about to do myself. But that would be too easy for a slimy bastard like him.
“Yes, we all have him in common. But I’m not finished. I was lying just as much as you were in our relationship. I was still seeing John on the regular.”
“Seeing him?” I asked, confused.
“Fucking him,” he said making it clear for me. “For the last past thirty years I was still fucking him on the regular. Whenever I said I was staying late at work I was going over to his place and doing him.”
“Wow.” I had my mouth wide open. “I’m sorry, I’m not judging you. I’m just shocked that we both got away with what we got away with for so long. But, then again, when we got married we never really asked any of those questions normal people asked. I could hide behind you and you hid behind me. The perfect front for all those years. Not knowing we had more in common then we talked about.”
“So true,” he agreed. “So that is why I am calling you. To let you know that I forgive you. I can’t hold that against you when I was doing what I was doing.”
“Thank you.” I spoke with a smile. It was nice to have all of the secrets out in the open. It was like I was breathing for the first time in all my life. “Well, I forgive you too.”
“Thank you too.” I could almost feel him smiling on the other side of the phone.
“Can ask you something else?” he asked
“Sure.”
“Were those really birth control pills you were taking?”
“No, they were hormone pills. They keep me feminine. No facial hair and the like.”
“So that is why the pharmacist looked at me all funny whenever I picked up your prescription. If I would have opened the bag I would have found out the truth.”
“But I knew you were a man and most men don’t even want to look at that stuff,” I informed him.
“What about the feminine pads and all of that?”
“Just a show,” I informed him.
“The condoms you made me wear?”
“Just a precaution too. I had to make me not wanting to get pregnant believable. The fact of the matter was I couldn’t get pregnant. Doctors can make a man a woman, but he can’t give men a womb. Only God can do that.”
“Wow,” was all he said.
“Yeah, I feel the same way you do.”
“Instead of teachers, maybe we both could have been lawyers, because we both have mastered lying to others and ourselves.” I let out a slight chuckle and so did he.
“So where do we go from here?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I really didn’t think you would call me after all that we have been through. I wouldn‘t have blamed you anyway.”
“I feel you.” He spoke softly.
“Well, tell you what. Let’s keep all of this to ourselves and the few people that know about it. The school doesn’t need to know about it. It will be our little secret.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “But are we still gonna live together as husband and wife?”
“No, I don’t think that is a good idea.”
“You can come back home for a little while, but I think since you have your mother’s house that it would be best for us to slowly start to live apart. We can still be married on paper for the sake of our jobs and all. But realistically, I don’t think we can be together and successfully get the help we need.”
“Okay.” I had to admit I was not completely
happy with being alone on my own, but he was right. It was the best thing for both of us.
“So, I’ll see you in a couple of days.” My voice cracked up a little bit. “Give us both some time to get used to moving on separately.”
“See you in a couple of days.” He hung up the phone.
I laid back on the bed for a little while longer before I went downstairs to talk to my aunt to fill her in on all that went down. Not once did she judge me or say “I told you so.” She just sat there and listened as I told her every detail of what was going on in my life in the last few months. I left out the business about Ashley, because I had to get some info from Ashley before I said anything to her about it. After my aunt and I talked she fixed me dinner and I went back upstairs to my room. I called Ashley’s phone but it went straight to voice mail. I didn’t leave her message, because I wanted to discuss what I had to ask her face-to-face.
Chapter 40
Alex
The Truth Is…
May 23rd 9:35 P.M.
“Hey, you want to come in and rest for a minute?” I asked Wallace as we pulled up to me and Ashley‘s apartment. I had driven us back to East Los Angeles, since he had gotten very little sleep. All I had to do was put in my address and the car spoke the directions through the speakers every step of the way. I was tired too. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow.
“Sure, let me get a small nap in before I go home.” Wallace looked exhausted.
He parked the car and I noticed that there was a car that I didn’t recognize in the spot where Ashley usually parks. And Ashley’s car was nowhere to be found. I had not seen Ashley the whole weekend. And here it is Monday and she still not home.
I put my thumb onto the fingerprint reader on the front door panel and the door buzzed to let us into the building. I did the same thing when I went to go into my apartment. I got the surprise of my life when I opened the door and walked in.
