Both Sides Of The Fence 3: Loose Ends

by Pope, M. T.

  I found out from a personal conversation with Mama Jones all I wanted to know about James. The conversation we had over the phone a couple of days after we left her seventieth birthday celebration gave me some very good insight into James’s past: his early years.

  “Good morning, Ms. Jones.” I spoke in a mild tone. I was sitting in my room in a corner with a picture of James in one hand and the phone in another. “Do you have a couple of minutes to talk?” It was a Saturday morning and I was off from work. I still had on my boxers and socks. I hadn’t even cooked anything to eat. I had a dream about James last night. It was like he was telling me to call his mother and get the truth from her. I knew what other people had told me about him, but as the saying goes, “Mama knows best.” I am sure she knew him better than anybody.

  “Yes, baby. I have some time to talk.” Her tone was just as pleasant as it was when I first met her. “You want to know about James I figure?”

  “Yes ... yes, ma’am.”

  “What is it that you want to know about Jerry?” She livened up a little.

  “Well, Ms. Jones.” All types of questions were flooding my brain. The one that would be first wasn’t an easy pick.

  “Call me Mama.”

  Mama? That threw me a little. I wasn’t expecting that. I knew that she was a Christian woman and most Christians didn’t condone homosexuality or the marriage of two men. She never judged me though. So I’m assuming that it was for the love of God and her son that she treating me with such love.

  “Okay ... Mama. Did James have anger problems as a child or a destructive nature?”

  “Wallace, Jerry evolved over time. Like I told everyone else, and I’ll tell you the same. Jerry was a mild-mannered child as a kid. He was giving, loving and playful. He was very affectionate as well. But, I noticed early on that he was passive-aggressive, something I am myself. He had his bouts of anger, but you had to push him to it. It was never something he just did. Most of the time he would get teased in school because he was so quiet. We would talk about it, when I got the chance, but Jerry would always be the bigger person and try to befriend people in spite of the negativity they pushed his way. Now he was no angel, let me say that. He had a smart mouth on him and that didn’t help. But he was honest and considerate. Son, what I am trying to say is that you knew Jerry as you knew Jerry. Yes, he hid some things from us all. But, one thing is sure. He loved and lived. He didn‘t have a picture- perfect ending. That doesn‘t mean that he didn‘t touch lives. He touched yours. It‘s not one’s beginning, middle, or end that defines the life of a person. But if you can say that you loved with everything in you and fell, but got back up to love again, than you are blessed. Wallace, don‘t mourn for my son any longer. His life is an example. Take from it what you will. But you can‘t discount the love. He chose to let God love on him through another individual. Enjoy your memories of him. Never let anyone dilute them. You understand?”

  “Yes, ma’am. I understand.”

  “Good, son. Now get yourself in church and live your life. Let God’s love reign in your heart still. It’s the only thing that is worth anything. Love is the blood of your soul and spirit. It keeps you warm when this world gets oh so cold.”

  “Yes, ma’am. I agree.”

  “Good, now Mama got to get off this phone and head on out. Keep in touch, son.”

  “Good day, Mama.” I hung up that phone so refreshed and enlightened. I finally can move on with my life and live.

  Tap ... tap ... tap.

  I was broken out of my daze by the Mexican guy that was installing my signage.

  “All done.” He smiled at me. I smiled back as I got out my car and looked up at the bright red letters. I pulled out my phone and took a few pictures to send out to family and friends.

  I walked up to the door and used my thumb on the finger reader to open the door and I flicked on the lights and the place lit up like stars shining at night. It wasn’t huge, but it was mine. All mines. You see, after my father passed away and was buried, we found out in his will he left us all some money. I used my inheritance to do what I want to do all my life: Open my own restaurant. It was really ironic that he tried to make me do what he wanted me to do, but him dying brought it to fruition anyhow. It just taught me that dreams of a true believer can be deferred a little, but if they hold on long enough it will come to pass.

  After I secured the doors to my new establishment, I made my way over to the graveyard to have a talk with my father. It was a talk that we should have had when he was alive, but he pushed me away thinking it was for my good.

  It was breezy day and the wind pushed me around a little as I made my way through the cemetery toward his plot.

  “Wassup, Pop.” I played it cool, like I wanted to do when he was alive. I always wanted a good relationship with my father. A father-and-son bond is what all boys dream of. I didn’t get it, but I decided against being bitter about it toward him now, standing in front of his burial plot.

  “How’s it going?” I knew there wouldn’t be an answer back, but I did it anyway.

  My mom had put a real picture of him on his headstone. It was a picture of our family. We looked happy. I thought we were.

  “Dad, I’m opening up my restaurant soon. I know it’s not what you wanted for me, or maybe it was. From what I was told you were trying to save me from being like you, but I guess I will never understand that. I forgive you. I really do. You did the best you could with what you had. I see that now.”

  I breathed out and looked around at all the leaves and loose debris the wind was blowing around. It was nice to be alive. It was nice to have a family again, minus my father. I missed James, but that too will pass. They say it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. That was so true. In this case, I didn’t lose. I actually got my family back looking for what I lost.

  I walked slowly back to my car, whistling the whole way. I was a happy man indeed. I felt so free ... so alive.

  Ashley’s Epilogue

  The Promise

  As the plane taxied down the runway and lifted off of the ground into the air, I thought about the last couple of years. It was a mess. I was a mess and I barely made it out with my life. I looked over at Alex who had this huge smile on his face. He was still goofy, but I loved his butt. He was my right-hand man. I treated him some kind of terrible. I was a real piece of work. But that was then, this is now. I am changed. It wasn’t an overnight process I tell you. It took lots of prayer, from my three grandmothers, me and, I know, my parents as well. I was done with women. Yeah, most people don’t think it’s possible to change up, but I am a living witness to it. God can do anything, as long as you are willling to give it over to him. He not gonna take something you want to hold on to. You got to want to let it go. And sure enough, I did. It wasn’t the lifestyle for me. It wasn’t a lifestyle period. It was hell. One bad situation to the next. Being with a man ain’t easy, but put two women in a relationship together and it is mass chaos.

  Almost losing my life wasn’t the only factor that changed my attitude and mindset. It was the conversation by grandmother had with me days before she died that persuaded me to get my act together and fly right, permanently.

  “Baby girl, you got to promise me you not end up like your father. Bitter toward people for the wrong they did to ya. You got to let it go. You got to take the chance that God has given you and make something of it. Make me proud. Make Jerry proud. Make your parents proud. But most of all ... make you proud. Hold your head up, baby. You special and don‘t let nobody tell ya different. God chastises those that he loves. Baby, that little scar on your head is God’s love on ya. It’s not a reminder of the gunshot wound. It‘s a reminder of His love. Just for you. You understand?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I smiled as she reached over and rubbed my head right where the scar was located. Her touch was so gentle. “I understand.”

  “Now baby, I’m not no judge or no jury, but you know you need to leave that f
oolish lifestyle behind ya. God got some blessings with your name on it. That wonderful voice you got there is gonna be an instrument for Him. I have seen what it did to the people in the church. God don’t make no junk or mistakes. You got to use it honey. God don’t take stuff back, so you have no choice but to use it. Don’t let the devil lie to you and tell you different. You healed of your sins. You got the blessings in your belly. Use them, baby. Use them. Your voice is your weapon. I am so glad God brought me you two. I thought I lost my only son, just to find out that God had triple the blessings in store for me. I wish it wasn’t so late in my life, but God is God.

  “Ashley, baby.” She paused and softly wiped her thumb across my cheek. She gazed deep in my eyes and I in hers. I felt a connection so deep. It was pure love. It was God’s love. I knew it. It radiated like none other. It pierced my heart and tears flooded my eyes. “Repent and turn away. Never look back. Never.”

  “I won’t, Grandma. I won’t.” She pulled me into her arms. “I promise.”

  I laid there in her arms for at least an hour. It was a promise that I was going to keep. No looking back.

  I really didn’t have a clue as to what I was going to do career-wise when I got off of this plane, but I knew one thing. I was going to keep my promise to her, but not just for her but for the people counting on me and my testimony.

  “I promise!” I whispered to myself as I placed the headphones on that the airline gives you. I put my head back and smiled, because I knew I was blessed to have made it this far. The sky is the limit for me and with God, I will supersede that as well.

  Grace’s Epilogue

  I’m Doing Me

  I sat on the deck of my mother’s house, but it was mines now. I thought that I would be an absolute crazy person right now. Who would have thought that I was still hanging in there? I have been here in this house for a year now and I am loving it. I have been through counseling and I am working on me. I am so happy about it too. I am still at the same school as David, but now I am a dean. My life is moving in the right direction and I can’t stop smiling. Yes, sometimes I get a glimpse of my past when I dwell on the past, but I am getting over that as well. David calls and checks up on me and I am glad that we are still friends even after all of this mess. I even helped him adopt a sweet little girl. He is such a good father. You can tell that he was made to be one too. He so in love with her and she is enamored with him. At times I want to get jealous because I still feel a little cheated out of a regular life. A normal family, but it is what it is. God still loves me and I know that. I have no doubt in my mind.

  I still have my bestfriend, Rebecca and we are closer than ever. In fact, she decided to move in with me so that we can be close to one another. We do everything together. Rebecca and I learning to be up-front about identities, with ourselves and others. She had a new man now and he knew all about her and loved her for her. I was just hoping to find the same one day. But for now I was happy with me doing just me. Nobody else’s extra baggage. I had tons of my own that I was still unloading. I will know when it is time to start another relationship, but until then, I’m doing me.

  David’s Epilogue

  We are Family

  “There you go, Amiyah.” My adopted daughter and I were in my backyard playing with the Hula Hoops that we brought from Wal-Mart today. She was five years old and she consumed most of my time. But it was worth it. It was what I dreamed of all my life. A family of my own. And even though I didn’t have a wife to share it with I was content with just me and her.

  “I got it Daddy! ... I got it!” She twirled and twirled. She was growing up so fast. I was so excited to have her here in my life.

  “I see ... I see.” A smile plastered my face. I can’t say I don’t have any depressing days but I do notice some good changes in me. I am more honest with myself and I am more honest with people.

  Two years have passed and Grace and I are officially separated. I can’t say that I don’t miss her. We did share a house and a life for over thirty years together and one just doesn’t get over being with someone for so long just because they split apart or broke up. I have been doing the counseling thing for the last past two years as well and I am getting a fresh start. I know what you are saying, why bring a child into my life when I still have some issues. The truth is, she’s helping me and she doesn’t even know it. She my anchor. She keeps me focused. Children keep parents focused, most of the time.

  Parents know they have a responsibility to that child or children and they have to push to make a home for them all. That is what I plan on doing; making a home for the both of us.

  Grace and I talk periodically about what is going on in our life and what we are learning in our sessions. It’s a part of the healing process for us both. And our agreement still stands at work; we are still married, but just on paper. I know what you are thinking, it’s still lying. But you have to understand that people just wouldn’t understand or tolerate it for all that matters. People are still prejudiced against gays and even though they may not show it, it is still present, just like any other prejudice.

  My mom, my brothers, and I have bond as a family as well. We have dinner together several times a month. We are stronger than ever. My mom loves being a grandmother. She can’t get enough of Amiyah.

  A couple of years ago, I didn’t think it would end up like this. You know, happy. But with God and family, anything is possible. Anything. The love I have for myself and my family transcends all of my prior and present issues.

  Shawn’s Epilogue

  Home Again

  I sat in my seat at the gate where Ashley and Alex’s plane would be landing. BWI airport was bustling so waiting for Ashley and Alex’s flight to arrive was a breeze. Mona decided to stay home with the kids, while I picked them up. I was kind of glad to come alone. I can say I was an extremely proud father. I had successfully raised two brilliant children. They both made me really proud. I am learning that raising children isn’t a science. There is no one book that can tell you how to handle certain situations when it comes to raising them. I learned understanding, love, and patience is the key. I also learned that they are going to have to go through some things no matter what I do to shield them from it.

  Mistakes and mess-ups were a part of life and everybody gets their turn. Ashley and Alex sure did get theirs, but they both were better for it now. They didn’t share their entire experience away from home with me and some things I know need not be said. It was lessons for them and their lives. I just hoped that they learned from them. I’m glad that I still get to be Dad to them.

  I sat in my chair with my iPod on listening to some gospel music. I was in good spirits and I loved being that way. My own practice, a loving wife, two graduates, and two more teens and a little one. I had a full life.

  A half hour later, I noticed Ashley and Alex coming off of the plane. I have to admit I got a little misty- eyed seeing my two babies coming toward me. If Mona was standing next to me, I knew she would have run up to them and squeezed them with all of her might. I was a real man now and that is what I did I ran up to my children and squeezed them with all that I could. I was a blubbering mess. I cried so hard it was hard to see. They were successful, even with all of me and their mother’s slipups and all of the drama. I cried so hard I trembled.

  “I love you guys so much.” I kissed both of them on the cheek right there in the middle of everything that was going on. You would have thought that they had just come home from war. It in fact was war they had come home from. It was one they had on the inside. I’ve learned that we all have personal wars going on inside of us. And that we need to have each others’ backs in these personal wars. “I am so proud of you two. So proud.”

  “We know, Dad.” As usual they looked around a little embarrassed at this display of emotion that was going on in front of the world. But little did they know that they too would have even more tests and drama in their life that would teach them to be them regardless of where they are. This
was the beginning of their lives. I prayed that they learned from the drama they survived back in California, but I know that life is about the expected and unexpected. I raised them the best I could and I know that God is with them and cares for them far more than I ever could. I was just temporary.

  We made our way toward the baggage claim, picked up their bags and jumped on the shuttle to get to our car.

  I let Ashley drive home.

  “So what are you guys going to do tomorrow?” I asked curiously.

  “Sleep in.” They both chimed in together and laughed. I totally understood. Everyone needed a break after finishing college, even if it was only for a few days.

  “Well, you guys know that you will have to share rooms. And you guys might not like what your brother and sister have done in your absence.” I laughed as we drove.

  When we pulled up to the house it was a little dark, but I could see the lights on in the living room. As soon as I opened the door, Ashley and Alex were bombarded with kisses and hugs from Mona, my mom, her mom and their brothers and sisters.

  “My babies are home,” Mona exclaimed with tears in her eyes. My baby still looks good. I was definitely hitting that tonight. We were closer than ever and we couldn’t get enough of each other.

  Everybody gathered together in the dining room, where there was a huge spread of delicious food that Mona, my mother, and her mother took time to cook.

  I prayed over the food and we ate ’til we were all stuffed. It was a great time indeed. We talked and danced and sang karaoke. None of us knew what tomorrow would hold. But I am sure we can handle it. We’ve been through much and yet we are still here, by the grace of God.

  A Closing Letter to the Reader