HIS OBSESSION-To Load

by Beck, J. L.

  Fuck! I swore internally to myself. I wasn’t strong enough to withstand his charm apparently, hence the naked state of my body. Sucking in a deep breath, I shrugged Jake’s hand off my arm, praying he wouldn’t wake up from the slight movement. There was a dull ache behind my eyes that was throbbing with every single breath I took and I was certain that I looked like a hot mess. I felt like a dog turd that had been laying in the midday sun in the hottest July on record after it had been run over a few times by a ten year old’s bike.

  Shit! What time was it? I needed to be at the bakery baking, not rolling around in bed with Jake Mathews.

  I forced my half-dead body out of the bed and winced at the pounding pain in my head. I felt like I was going to hurl. I held my breath a moment and it passed. Ok, let’s try this again. This time just not so fast. Ugh, tequila and wine. What was I thinking?

  “We really should talk.”

  Jakes’ groggy voice echoed over towards me. Shit. I had one foot in the bathroom. I didn’t need this. I just wanted to quietly brush my teeth, run a comb through my hair, and run to the bakery. There I’d be able to zone out and push all thoughts of Jake Mathews about as far away from my side of the galaxy as possible.

  I groaned and lifted a hand to my head pressing two fingers to the side of my temple. I didn’t need to talk. I just needed to get a large pot of coffee in me and forget about the mistake I had made last night by crawling into bed with him.

  “I don’t really think we need to talk…” I retorted, hoping he wouldn’t push the issue but knowing he would.

  “Really? Because after what you told me last night I’m one hundred percent sure we should be discussing us, or at the very least our daughter. Lola.”

  I almost dumped the contents of last night’s binge onto the bedroom floor. What just happened?

  I twisted around at the sound of Lola’s name, anxiety bubbling to the surface at what he had just said. I blinked. Did he just say what I think he said?

  “Did you just say our daughter?” I was shocked. I was terrified. But more than all of that, I was confused because I didn’t remember anywhere in my blurry memory telling him that Lola was his daughter. Jesus Christ! How drunk was I?

  Jake tilted his head at me staring me downward with a dark look in his eyes, his blue eyes narrowing further as he took in my shocked expression.

  Should I tell him that it’s true? That he really is Lola’s father. If I had already done so last night, then it wouldn’t really hurt anything, minus the fact that we really would have to talk about everything.

  “I’ve known you all my life Mia so I know when you’re lying, probably better than anyone else. Do not lie to me about our daughter. If I knew about it, you know I would’ve been here…”

  I tilted my head back, my eyes going to the ceiling as I tried to blink away the tears that threatened to fall. “Well, I lied about her for four years and you didn’t pick up on it, so…”

  “You think this is funny?” Jake yelled.

  Oh. The pain in my head… please, no loud noises…

  There was no going back in time. There were no changing things that couldn’t be changed. Yes, Jake had a right to his daughter, but that didn’t mean that he had a right to me or my heart. And knowing Jake the two were one in the same. He was relentless. Especially, when he had an angle. With an angle like this one, there would be no deterring him.

  “I don’t remember telling you anything about Lola last night.” I blurted out before I could come up with something better to say.

  “That’s because you were half asleep…. You begged me to fuck you and then right before you rolled over to go to sleep you told me….”

  I squinted my eyes hard. I had to keep it together. I would not cry in front of him. A moment passed. Once I was sure I had the tears at bay, I directed my eyes back to Jake’s.

  He was staring at me with this primal need to make things right. He wanted the whole wife, three kids, and a big white house.

  I was past that. I just wanted to breathe without feeling my heart aching in my chest. “Well, there you have it…” I threw my hands up in the air, heading in the direction of my closet. “Lola’s yours. Are you happy?” I yelled pulling on a pair of yoga pants that were hanging on a hanger in the closet. I grabbed a bra next, and then a t-shirt. I didn’t care about…

  “Am I happy?” Jake growled. He was suddenly on his feet and standing very close to me, his large chest pushing against my back forcing the air from my lungs. “You hid my daughter from me? You hid your pregnancy from me?” I could feel the anger rolling off of him and slamming into me, each wave of rage threatening to pull me under.

  “What did you expect?” I shoved against him, trying to get him to move off of me. My chest was pressed against the wall, and there was no escaping this man’s touch.

  “I expected you to tell me. Write me a letter. Reach out to me on social media. Something?” Hot breath fanned against my ear, as tingles ran down my spine. He was angry as he had a reason to be, but just like him, I was protecting myself.

  “It wouldn’t have changed anything….” I whispered, the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

  “It would’ve changed everything. Every. Single. Thing!”

  I could feel the anger in his words, and I turned around, my body rubbing against his as I did so. I wanted to kiss him hard, to make him feel the pain I was feeling right now. He wasn’t alone in feeling the way he felt but I was doing what I needed to do.

  “You didn’t want me, Jake…. So you wouldn’t have wanted Lola. I wasn’t going to give her that kind of life. The kind of life you had…”

  “She’s mine too…” I could hear the grinding of his molars and wondered how long it was going to take for him to snap. My eyes drifted to the wood floor. I couldn’t look at him. I felt bad enough hiding Lola from him, but now he was placing it all on me as if he didn’t do anything wrong.

  “She is, but you weren’t here and I wasn’t going to be the one to end your military career. You wanted to travel the world….”

  “None of that would’ve mattered Mia!” He lifted a fist, slamming it into the wall alongside my head. “If I knew… If I fucking knew… I would’ve moved mountains to be here with you. I thought I was saving you… clearly, I was wrong…” Frustration laced his words. His meaty fists shook in the air and I thought for a moment he might slip over the edge and hit me. After a moment, he stepped back, suddenly aware of his threatening behavior.

  Now I was pissed.

  Anger mounted deep inside me threatening to expel out all over him. I clenched my fists at my sides willing myself to keep quiet, and not drag this out but I couldn’t stop the words spewing forth from my mouth like vomit.

  “I did it all on my own. I did it all Jake” I righted myself, looking him straight in the eyes. Every emotion I ever imagined him feeling reflected back at me. It almost felt good. I wanted to laugh for a moment. How did he like, it? How did he like feeling betrayed and everything he knew or thought he knew being yanked out from under him. This was what it felt like to have your world collapse. Good. I was glad.

  I continued my rant. I wanted him to hear everything. It was time for it to come out, “I never told anyone that she was yours, because I didn’t want them to tell you and make you come rushing back into my life, when you didn’t want to be in my life…” I bit my lip, stifling the cry that wanted to rip from my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes and my entire body started to shake and quiver rapidly. Maybe I couldn’t do this.

  “Mia….” His voice cracked and with it so did my heart all over again.

  Dammit. Just when I was feeling good about his grief finally. I was too kind hearted. Even someone who had hurt me the way he had didn’t really deserve this. I felt ashamed in that moment. I felt so ashamed.

  “I… I can’t do this right now Jake. You think you’re the only one that was hurt, but you weren’t.” I shoved past him, barely escaping his hand that reached out to stop me. I ne
eded to get to work. I needed space, time, or maybe even a drink.

  I went straight into the kitchen, grabbing my car keys and wallet off the counter. Jake’s heavy footfalls sounded behind me spurring me to move faster.

  “Where are you going? We aren’t done here, Mia!” The authority in his voice nearly had me laughing. He was in no position to give me orders. God, the arrogance. He would never change, would he?

  “To bake. I can’t be around you right now. I need space. Time. Air. Whatever. I just can’t be this close to you right now. You don’t understand the pain, the anger, the things I’ve done…” I was headed down the road of mayhem again.

  Jake stared at me for a long second before nodding his head as if he understood. “Okay…. I’ll give you some time… but I’ll tell you this…” He quickly crossed the short space that separated us, his rough hand cupping my cheek. “You and Lola are mine and I’ll do whatever I can to make things right between us again…. I promise.”

  Fear of the unknown coursed through my veins as my anxiety mounted. Before I could pull away from his touch, his lips were on mine, sealing his words with a kiss. He made a promise in that kiss. I felt it with the stroke of his lips on mine, and that promise shattered every single wall I had built up in the last four years.

  It destroyed me just like I knew it always would.

  “I have to go…” I pushed away, heading towards the door, my lips tingling for more, and my body begging me to turn around and run back into his arms. I knew this would happen, one day. I guess I just never expected for it to happen so soon.

  I was at the bakery before the tears finally stopped.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Jake

  I scrubbed a hand down my face in frustration. Knowing Lola was now mine changed everything. It made me want to make things right between Mia and I that much more. This changed everything. It wasn’t just about getting back together with Mia, rekindling what we once had. It was about putting our family together the way it was supposed to be. Our family. The words brought tears to my eyes. I was not a man who cried easily, but knowing that wonderful little girl was my own flesh and blood broke my heart every single time the thought popped into my head.

  And every time my heart broke, a wave of rage came behind it. How dare Mia do this to me? What I did was wrong, but no man deserved this. And even If I did deserve it, Lola did not. She was innocent. Our daughter had done nothing wrong. But because her mother was mad at me she punished her by making her think she didn’t have a daddy/ That wasn’t right. Mia knew it. She just needed time to adjust to everything and then we would start piecing together the mistakes of the past. We’d both been wrong and soon we would make it all right.

  Yes. It would all be just fine. Mia and I would make it work. Tonight we would talk, but right now, I had something I needed to do. I gathered up all my stuff and put back on the clothes that I had been wearing last night. I needed to go over to the main house, shower, and change my clothes. I didn’t smell so fresh. And that wouldn’t do. I had to get cleaned up.

  Then I needed to take my daughter out to get to know her better.

  There was only one problem: Mia’s parents. I doubted they would let me take Lola without a real reason, and if what Mia said was true, they didn’t know I was the father and I wasn’t ready to break the news to everyone just yet.

  “Morning…” I groaned walking into the house, my eyes going straight to Lola. She was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with Mia’s mother. My little girl. I grunted to choke back the tears. I had to put on a happy, normal face.

  “Morning sunshine! How did you sleep?” Jen asked, getting up from the table to pour me a cup of coffee. It was something she had always done, even when I was in High School like I should’ve been drinking coffee then or something.

  “I’m going to go take a shower and then I want to take Lola to the park if that’s okay?” I asked casually.

  Jen placed the coffee cup she had just filled on the counter before looking back at me. “Sure…” She seemed a little unsure. It was an odd request and it hung in the air awkwardly, but I just went with it and made it seem natural.

  “I just want to take her to the park and then I’m going to take her to see Mia at the bakery. I thought Lola would enjoy it. ”.

  Jen’s eyes lit up as soon as I said something about meeting up with Mia. She put on one of those famous toothy Jen smiles that lit up the room. Everyone in Mia’s family wanted us to be together again. They loved me. The only person who fought it was Mia. Maybe that was the problem. If I were the boyfriend that the family hated then Mia would have been obsessed. It was cliché, but it was invariably true.

  “Oh, that will be great! Mia would love that. Sure, go ahead and take a shower and I’ll have Lola ready when you get out.” I looked down at my daughter my heart beating so hard I was sure it would beat right out of my chest.

  She was smiling widely.

  “Is that what you want Sweetheart? Do you want to go to the park with me?” I crossed the space that separated us, dropping down onto one knee so that I was the same height as her. She watched me curiously before giving me another toothy grin that all but said yes.

  “Grandma I want to go to the park with Jake!” Lola announced. The sweet shriek of excitement in her voice made my heart sing. I never would’ve thought in a million years that I would be this excited over something as simple as a little girl's smile, but things changed, I changed, and now that I knew what my future held, I was going to enjoy every single second of my time with her.

  “I want to go to the park with you too, so I’m going to go shower and then we can leave okay?” I spoke softly watching her eyes twinkle with excitement as I spoke. My little girl.

  I wanted her to call me Daddy, to hold my hand, and ask me to give her treats when Mommy said no. I wanted her snuggles and kisses. I wanted to play Barbies and have tea parties and play dress up with her. I was going to do all the goofy dad stuff. I wanted it all.

  “Okay…” She responded quietly, still looking at me though she went back to eating her breakfast. I stood, hoping Jen hadn’t caught onto to my feelings towards Lola. It wasn’t that I wanted to hide the truth; it was that I needed to make amends with Mia because when everyone found out the truth, it was going to be from the two of us, together.

  ***

  I loaded Lola up in the back seat of my jeep, buckling her in, and checking the seatbelt twice for good measure. Dear Lord, I was turning into Jen.

  “Can we go to Shultz Park? Momma always takes me to Shultz Park.” Lola questioned from the backseat. My hands shook as I gripped the steering wheel before starting the car.

  It was hitting me all at once, the fact that Lola was mine, that I was a father, and that I would have to do whatever I could to keep us all together. The weight all settled onto my shoulders.

  “And then we go for ice cream and I get one with sprinkles and chocolate syrup. What kind do you like?” Lola continued. I sucked in a deep breath, letting the air filter into my lungs before answering her.

  “I like Strawberry darlin’. It’s my favorite; it’s also your Mommy’s favorite,” I added, remembering all the times Mia and I had gone for ice cream the summer before I left. I found it quite funny that Mia brought Lola to the park we had frequented the most.

  “How do you know?” I could see the resilience in her eyes, as she tried to see if I really knew her Momma like I thought I did.

  “Your Mommy and I go way back.” I shifted the Jeep to drive and headed off in the direction of the park. It was a few minutes’ drive, and Lola continued to pepper me with questions in regards to her Mother.

  “Do you like my Mommy because I think you do…?” I couldn’t help but smile at her remark as I pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine. Kids were so observant. You couldn’t sneak anything past them. I always wondered why people treated them like they were stupid.

  I got out of the Jeep and opened her door, looking at her, re
alizing she was the perfect mixture of her Momma and me. She wore a bright smile that could’ve melted even the coldest of hearts. It had already melted mine about twenty times over.

  “I don’t like your Mommy Darlin’…” I started and a pout formed on her face, causing a tiny bit of muffled laughter to come out of me. Then I smiled widely and leaned forward to whisper, “I love her….”

  Lola unbuckled herself and stood up, placing her hands on her hips as she did so. “That sure was mean. I’m going to tell my Momma you said that!” All I could think as she jumped from the car and ran to the playground was how perfect it would be for her to tell her Momma that. Mia knew I loved her with my whole heart and soul, but it would be a totally different experience hearing it from our daughter.

  “Hey now, wait up for me….” I hollered following behind her. The sun shined overhead as we played on the slides and swings. I hadn’t smiled or laughed this hard in my entire life. Everything about Lola was magical and the more I watched her play, the more I grew attached to her.

  Yes, she was mine, but she also wasn’t mine. My name wasn’t on the birth certificate and I had no way of proving that I was her father until a DNA test was done. The fear of losing her because Mia and I didn’t work was starting to become a reality. That could really happen, couldn’t it? Mia was as stubborn as they came and she wasn’t going to make this easy for me. But I was prepared for whatever fight she wanted to put up. Whatever I had to do to show her I loved her and that I wanted us, our family, I was prepared to do it. I would fight tooth and nail to show her that.

  I shoved those anxiety-induced thoughts to the back of mind as I plucked Lola up off the ground and threw her over my shoulder, listening to her laughter fill my ears. I had yet another reason to live.

  “Should we get your Momma some ice cream?” I asked Lola placing her back on her feet. She stared up at me astonishment in her eyes.