Pyramid Scheme

by Eric Flint

  * * *

  The waiting had been the worst part. Jerry had never thought he'd be so grateful for a rock that nearly brained him. They all retreated hastily. It soon became obvious that the cord was not getting all the way down. Eventually, Throttler flew up and fetched it, from a good four hundred feet up.

  "Anything that can go wrong, will," murmured Prometheus. Then he turned to the assembled group. "Who is in the basket first?"

  "Me," said Jerry stepping forward.

  "And me," said Arachne and Medea together.

  "I must secure the tunnel," said Arachne.

  "Right. Jerry and Arachne first," said Prometheus. "You see that you keep warm, Arachne."

  They went up, unwinding the huge spool of spider-web tube. Every hundred feet or so Prometheus paused to allow Arachne to secure the tube with sticky threads. It was a sickening, bumpy process, as the basket dragged against the cliff wall. It all nearly ended in disaster, too.

  They could see the summit. And the basket hooked. And Prometheus just kept on pulling. Somehow, as the basket tipped, Jerry managed to grab the remains of the spool while clinging to the handle. Then the basket sprang free, leaping on rope stretched at least twenty feet. Jerry lost his grip on the handle. And fell.

  He landed back in the bouncing basket, with a pulse rate of about two hundred.

  But there was worse to come. When they finally arrived at the top, there was Bes. McKenna. Cruz.

  No Liz. Jerry's heart nearly stopped. "Wh—where's Liz?" he stammered out, his voice high-pitched.

  "She's having a scout around," said Cruz. "Just back that way. Be careful. Bes found this interesting hole. We nearly lost him down it."

  Jerry set off hastily and found Liz some thirty yards off. She was on hands and knees, peering at Bes' "interesting hole." Jerry restrained a strong and irrational inclination to kick her down it for frightening him so.

  She looked up and smiled. He forgave her instantly. "I've solved the mystery of Olympus' pleasant climate. Feel the air coming out of there. It's a geothermal vent."

  "They always say necessity is the mother of invention," he said cheerily, his heart full of lightness.

  She groaned. "Jerry, I could kill you. Punning at this stage."

  "Well, it was that or give you a hug," he said bravely.

  "That's what I call unfair persuasion," she said, giving him the hug instead. "I must stink. Can't be nice to be near."

  Jerry grinned. "The joys of civilization. Cigarettes, coffee and deodorant."

  Liz grinned back. "I could use the last two. But do you know it's been nearly two whole weeks since I had a smoke?"

  Bes wandered over. "The first spiders have come up."

  * * *

  Prometheus, he who had stolen fire from the gods and taught man its use, tended this fire with great care. It must produce an even, steady heat. Enough to inflate a long, tubular and insulated chimney. The little spider parachutists entered it in a steady stream higher up. Then with silken thread parachutes they drifted up to the heights of Olympus. The tube had been designed to retain heat. It was still a long, long way. And the balance between too much heat and too little was tricky. There were several million spiders to do the trip.

  * * *

  Up on the plateau the spiders, under Arachne's direction, began to weave silken coverlets for Athena. This particular piece of weaving showed in magnificent detail the ill doings, debaucheries and philanderings of the gods.

  Athena wouldn't be tearing this one up in a hurry, though.

  Throughout the marble halls of the gods, covers were spun. Soft as down. Strong as steel. It was all going according to plan . . .

  Except for Hermes. The rest of Olympus might be sleeping off their labors against the balloon fleet, but Hermes was occupied in taking advantage of Poseidon's wife, Amphitrite. Free, those two could wreak havoc. Hermes was definitely part of the pyramid's schemes. And they were pursuing their pastime with godlike vigor and stamina, showing no sign of giving it a rest.

  "We need to do something!" whispered Liz to Jerry.

  "Uh. Film it and make a fortune in the porno industry. I didn't think that position was possible!" Jerry couldn't help staring.

  She suppressed a snort. "I meant to capture them. Voyeur."

  Jerry looked thoughtful. "Hmm. Arachne. Could your spiders sew a sort of bag or trap at the window? I could scare them into it."

  Liz chuckled. "What? By saying boo?"

  "More or less," he said. "Can you do it, Arachne?"

  "My spider-sisters are already busy, Doc." She'd picked up her manner of address from McKenna.

  "Right. Tell me when you're ready."

  They didn't have long to wait. When it was ready Jerry started giving orders. "Cruz. You've got the deepest voice here. That's blue-eyed Amphitrite, wife of Poseidon, on the job there with Hermes. Poseidon is infamous for his bad temper. I want you to bellow `Amphitrite' at the door."

  "That'll never work, Doc!" protested Cruz.

  "It will when I add Pan's panic spell to it," said Jerry calmly. "Just you watch."

  Cruz shrugged. "All right. I wish like hell Prometheus was here. But he's got to deal with the guards on the way up."

  "I did that!" growled Bes, in an injured tone.

  "Great! So why did we risk our necks on spider-web parachutes?" demanded Mac.

  The dwarf shrugged in his turn. "Well, Prometheus and I thought it was crazy. But you seemed so set on it that we didn't have the heart to stop you." Bes' tone was apologetic. "Anyway, Prometheus said something about you being `backup.' "

  "Here, dear. My sisters have brought Poseidon's trident. When Cruz calls out, stick that in through the doorway."

  "Okay, on the count of three."

  "One, two, three . . . AMPHITRITE!!!"

  The result of Cruz's shout, coupled with Pan's spell, fulfilled all of Jerry's hopes.

  Poseidon's reputation was particularly foul. Amphitrite shrieked. Hermes, assisted by panic, was not going to be caught. Clutching Amphitrite, he dove through the window. Into the spider-web bag. The sticky spider-web bag. Soon the two were safely bundled up.

  Just then Prometheus arrived, slightly out of breath.

  "Not having any trouble, are we? Everything gone according to plan?" He turned, pointing. "I brought us some company. This is Gaea's last child, Typhoeus."

  Everyone tried not to flinch. Typhoeus made Medea's dragons look like earthworms. He had three heads and at least a hundred ever-working hands. Vipers sprouted from his back.

  " 'Ullo," he croaked. "Seen that little bastard Zeus anywhere?"

  "He's back there." Lamont pointed. "But don't you think you'd better deal with the watchman on the pinnacle? Sooner or later he'll come down. Spider webs can be cut, y'know."

  Prometheus chuckled. "Very well. Will you guide us then, Lamont?"

  * * *

  Liz sighed. "Well . . . we should be able to get home. Did you see that Hermes was also wearing a pyramid pendant?"

  "No. I didn't notice," admitted Jerry.

  "Distracted, were you?" Liz teased.

  "Um. The light was bad."

  Liz pointed at the sky. "Well, it'll be morning soon. The moon is nearly down."

  Something about that troubled Jerry. "It's a beautiful moon," he said.

  "Don't you mean—romantic?" asked Liz mischievously.

  Jerry slapped his forehead. "Selene!"

  "Selene?"

  "The moon goddess! She's out at night!"

  * * *

  And so she was, just touching down with her moon-bearing mule. Any moment now there was going to be trouble—as soon as she'd tied up her mule.

  They watched in horror as Selene tied the mule to a post and then began walking towards the mansions of the gods.

  "Get Prometheus! I'll distract her!" Liz darted forward. She pulled the huge white mule's reins free and leapt up onto its pannier, and thence its back. She dug her heels in, hard. "Giddyup!!!" she yelled.

  * * *<
br />
  The mule took off into the night sky like a venturi-less rocket.

  Selene turned and shrieked, and took off through the sky after her mule and its clinging rider. The moon goddess normally flew across the sky, leading her mule. But even with her divine powers, Selene wasn't catching up with the wildly bucking animal.

  * * *

  Liz clung desperately to the saddle panniers. She could ride well. But there were no stirrups, and the mule paid no attention to her frantic hauling at the reins. It alternated between bucking and twisting with wild headlong gallops. They were also moving at a phenomenal speed. It felt as if the mule was doing its best to make up for the lack of a Concorde in this Ur-universe.

  48

  Picking up fallen women.

  Jerry Lukacs' entire life experience on horseback consisted of one ride on a led pony at a children's petting farm. He thrust that idle thought aside and ran for Throttler. He jumped onto her back.

  "Follow that moon!" he yelled. He was vaguely aware of someone jumping up behind him.

  * * *

  Lamont, returning with Prometheus and Typhoeus from watching a guard give a highly instructive lesson in how not to fly down the face of Mount Olympus, saw the moon, Selene, Jerry and Throttler race up into the night sky.

  "What's that?" he shouted.

  "I don't know, but let's get to Zeus fast," said Prometheus grimly. Typhoeus was already racing towards the sleeping place of the master of the Olympians.

  Lamont met up with Cruz and McKenna, who had come in hasty search.

  "What happened?"

  Cruz looked grim. "Some goddess arrived with the moon, on that gigantic donkey thing."

  "It's a mule," interjected McKenna.

  Cruz shrugged. "Whatever. Anyway, Liz stole her mule to distract her. It worked all right, but the animal is out of control. Mac and I both got arrows into the goddess. They've got Medea's dope on them. But the stuff takes quite some time to work."

  "And Liz?" asked Lamont.

  "Jerry and Bes have gone after her on Throttler. But look at how fast that damn thing is going!"

  "I think `Sir' has bitten off more than she can chew this time," scowled Mac.

  There were shouts from the resting place of Zeus. "Come on, Mac," said Cruz. "Let's get Medea and go and prick all these guys with the dope. Lamont, you know the most about these gods except for Jerry. It sounds like Typhoeus is having some trouble with Zeus. Go and check it out. Take the dragons."

  Zeus was indeed the most powerful of the Olympians. He'd somehow managed to start a tear in the spider-web coverlet. Incandescently angry, he'd half sat up . . . to find that Typhoeus, who had once defeated and imprisoned him, was wrapping dragonish coils around him.

  Prometheus seized his arms. That would have been folly for the Titan but for the monstrous strength of Typhoeus. Lamont arrived just in time to see the Titan being flung across the room. And Typhoeus slapping an enormous coil around Zeus' chest. Typhoeus snatched the thunderbolt hand in one of his mouths.

  Another set of Typhoeus' teeth took Zeus through the nose. "Behave!" said the third head. "Mother is very cross with you."

  * * *

  Liz knew that she was in dire trouble. Extremely dire trouble. Trouble that could only end in falling. Only the panniers had saved her so far. Whatever drove the tides of the Ur-Mythworld, it wasn't the gravitational influence of the moon. That must be negligible. And the moon must be reachable here, as it was not very big. It must actually travel quite close to the earth to be seen. But, from the way things were shaping up, it didn't travel as close to the earth as she was soon going to be.

  * * *

  Jerry leaned over Throttler's neck. "GO FASTER!"

  "I can't!" shouted the sphinx.

  "Use the power to move between sphinx images to get closer!"

  "At this speed?! Hold tight. Asia Minor here we come!"

  There was a zipping of air.

  "We're ahead," growled Bes. "If the damned thing doesn't change direction!"

  Jerry just had time to see Liz, with her eyes shut and hair streaming back, when Selene's mule did just that. She nearly fell. They were losing ground again when the sphinx did her zip trick.

  This time the mule saw them and gave an extra spurt of speed. The chase went on.

  "I'm tiring," said Throttler.

  "One more jump. Please?" begged Jerry. "Let's try and get well ahead and above them."

  "That will take us to the delta," said Throttler. "There is a shortage of sphinx images around here."

  "That seems to be the way the beast is going, anyway. Let's try it."

  So they did. Below lay the Nile delta. Throttler struggled to gain height. The moon, Liz and Selene's mule were still coming towards them.

  * * *

  Lamont pointed to the pyramid on the table. "I want some answers."

  "I am a god, mortal," snarled Zeus. "Not answerable to you or anyone. You cannot make me do anything!"

  Lamont snarled right back. "How would you like to become a mortal, shithead?"

  "No one can kill me! Eventually, I will be free, and then you are going to die. Very slowly."

  Typhoeus squeezed. "Mother said to teach you some manners."

  Zeus squealed.

  Lamont leaned into the god's personal space. "How would you like a trip to Egypt, Zeus? Ur-Egypt. Using the sphinx, we transported an Egyptian god here. He isn't capable of godlike powers here. So we can take you there. And we've got quite some skills at Egyptian magic. With that we can even compel their gods. You'll be a pushover."

  Zeus' eyes bulged. Then he wilted. The threat obviously cowed him. "What do you want from me?" The voice changed. There was a certain atonal quality to it.

  "Some answers about a certain pyramid you were wearing around your neck. Where did it come from? And some answers about how we can get home."

  Zeus tried to shake his head. "Wormhole travel, from thousands of light-years away. A probe—what you call Artificial Intelligence. You are in a collapsing Ur-universe, the remnants of which we have revived. You can travel to other Ur-universes that share elements of common belief, but there is no way of escaping from the Ur-universe, except for a cessation of meme-carrier function. You have to die."

  "I think you're lying, but I'll come back to that. So, tell me who you are," said Lamont, almost conversationally.

  "I am Zeus, Lord of the Olympians, mortal. Quail . . . "

  "Bullshit. Egypt, here we come! You're something to do with that pyramid that appeared in Chicago. Like this one, but bigger." Lamont held the pyramid pendant from the table in front of Zeus' face.

  Silence.

  "Talk, punk. Or it's trouble time." The very matter-of-factness of Lamont's statement made it hard to doubt.

  The captive god was red in the face. Almost puce.

  Typhoeus nodded. "Mother said something was going on. That the little monster wasn't himself. Mother is always right."

  The horrible-looking creature gave Zeus a good shake. "What's gotten into you, anyway? You always were a poisonous little creep, sure, bullying mortals just to prove you were the boss. But Mother says you've gone crazy. Killing everything. And hurting everything. Mother says the whole place is full of pain-feelings. She doesn't like it. You'd better listen. She's getting mad."

  "Your threats do not cow me!" said Zeus with bravado.

  "They'd better," said Typhoeus grimly. "When Mother gets mad, she's likely to make your going to Egypt the easy option."

  "I am beyond Gaea's control. I am Krim. We are the lords of the universe!" yelled Zeus, straining to get free.

  Lamont snorted. "You're about to be the ex-lord. Why are you snatching people, Krim? Talk!"

  "My servant collects local gullible sentients with high anger quotients for us. We need them. We need lots of them. It breathes new life into the Ur-universe. We come to take the reins of power once all is prepared. As soon as there is sufficient energy, we come . . . "

  "What for?" demanded Lamont. />
  Zeus-Krim looked puzzled. "Because we are Krim. We find intelligent species and do this. We always have."

  Typhoeus loosened a coil slightly. "They like power. Like little Zeus. That's probably why the toad got involved with this Krim stuff in the first place. Only these ones like pain and misery even more than Zeus did."

  Typhoeus had slackened his grip on Zeus' hand for an instant. And Zeus-Krim ripped his hand through the teeth, tearing through the flesh, regardless of the damage. He did not fling thunderbolts. Instead he snatched up the pyramid.

  "You cannot hold the Krim!" he shrieked.

  There was a brief purple discharge. The Krim device in the god's hand suddenly disappeared. The change in Zeus was immediately apparent.

  * * *

  Zeus seemed to crumple. He looked older. Looser in flesh and possessed of bloodshot eyes streaming tears.

  "Thank you," he said weakly. "I was disappearing into it. It's terrible! It feeds on pain. And it loved having a body. That's what those Krim are doing here. It's their main form of entertainment."

  Typhoeus looked at Zeus. "You are in dire trouble with Mother Gaea."

  Zeus began to sob again. "I just wanted to have fun!"

  * * *

  Liz was exhausted. What was worse, her mount was showing no sign of exhaustion. And they must have traveled hundreds of miles in the huge bounds and at the terrific speeds they were doing.

  Weird. She could have sworn that she had caught sight of Jerry and that sphinx earlier. She was going to fall. And she was going to die. It was a pity she'd not have a chance to see what might happen with Jerry. It could—just maybe—have worked out better than her past choices.