Love of a Rockstar

by Nicole Simone

  “Are you busy?” I asked.

  “Not really. I needed to take a break from studying.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “Oh my god, the cute barista…you know, with the swoopy hair? He just started his shift.”

  Normally, I would love to hear about Camille’s latest crush, but I couldn’t keep my secret in any longer. “Luke is here,” I blurted out. A long pause stretched out on the other end of the phone line. “Earth to Camille,” I said.

  “Sorry, you threw me off guard. Where is he exactly?”

  “In my hotel. He was about to approach me but I freaked out and ran to the bathroom .” My cheeks turned crimson red at my reaction.

  Camille laughed. “You always run to pee when you’re uncomfortable.”

  “I didn’t have to pee, thank you very much. The ladies’ restroom was the only visible exit in sight,” I huffed.

  She paused. “So, where are you now?”

  I looked down at the white ceramic tiles, surrounding the toilet. She would never let me live it down if I told her I was in a bathroom stall.

  “Don’t tell me. You’re still in the bathroom.”

  My silence confirmed her suspicions, which made her break into peals of laughter. She gulped, catching her breath. “It’s our junior year all over again.”

  In high school, I had an anxiety attack every time I stepped into Mr. Levy’s math class. Something about brain stretching math formulas set my nerves on edge. My solution was to hide in the bathroom for the hour-long class period. It ended in the only F I ever received on a report card. However, now wasn’t the time to reflect on the past. Even though, it was waiting for me in the lobby in the form of a man who I couldn’t shake.

  I sighed and rested my head in my hands. “I can’t go back out there.”

  “Sweetie, you can’t hide forever.”

  “Oh yeah?” I said. “Watch me.”

  I imagined the ways I could set up the stall as a home. Years of fort building as a child prepared me for this very moment. All I needed were a few blankets from the housekeeping department.

  “What about Nil?” she asked.

  My sweet daughter thankfully got the best parts of Luke and me. She was the one good thing that came out of this mess. “I’m scared,” I whispered.

  “Of what?”

  Camille posed a good question. What was I scared of? The naïve girl Luke once knew didn’t exist anymore. She disappeared the day she saw the two pink lines on a pregnancy stick.

  I sorted through my feelings and came up with an answer. “I guess sometimes I forget I’m not seventeen anymore,” I said. “He was my whole world back then, and after three years together, he left.”

  “You’re afraid you’ll get hurt again.”

  She pinpointed the problem when I myself had no idea. This was why Camille and I would be best friends till the day I died. “Yeah, and now it’s no longer about us. Nil’s involved. The stakes are higher.”

  “Sweetie, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If he wants to see Nil, you can say no. And talking to him doesn’t mean you’ll automatically end up naked in bed with him.”

  “Well…,” I hedged.

  Camille laughed. “I take that back. Resist his charms!” she yelled. “Resist!”

  Luke was famous because of his magnetic personality. The first time I saw him he was onstage, singing and it seemed as if the spotlight had been invented for him. By the last song, I had fallen head over in heels in love. When the set finished, Luke jumped off the stage and asked me out. According to him, my beauty blinded him to every other girl in the room.

  “If anybody needs that advice, it’s his fans. They were practically throwing themselves at him,” I grumbled

  “That’s his life now. Do you know why he’s here?”

  “Why else would he be in town? He’s on tour”

  “And you know this how?” she questioned, suspicious. When I didn’t respond, she got her answer. “You still check his blog, don’t you?”

  “Not very often. Once a week max.” I could feel her judgment over the phone. “He’s Nil’s father, I have a right to know what he’s up to.”

  “He’s famous which means his life is broadcast all over the world. You don’t need to read his blog to find out what’s going on in his life. The rag sheets do that for you.

  I was about to inject my two cents when she barreled on. “Besides, it’s not fair to Finn.”

  Finn was my kind of, sort of, boyfriend. As an accountant at a big law firm in Seattle, he was the kind of guy you wanted to take home to your parents. The problem was he didn’t make my pulse skyrocket, which was why he belonged in the kind of, sort of, category.

  “I know it’s not,” I said.

  “So, what are you going to do?” she asked in pep talk mode. “You’re going to throw back your shoulders, leave the bathroom, and put Luke Anderson behind you.” Camille paused. “Wait, that sounded dirty. You know what I meant though. He belongs in your memories, not in your present life. His world isn’t cohesive to raising a child. Both you and I know that.”

  Her speech gave me the clarity I needed. Getting off the toilet, I faced the door to exit. “I can do this.”

  “I believe in you,” Camille said. “Good luck, sweetie.”

  I pocketed my cell phone and took a deep breath. It was time to face my past head on.

  IT WAS DEAD quiet when I stepped out of the bathroom into the hotel lobby. I glanced at the clock above the elevators. To my horror, the hands revealed I’d been hiding for almost thirty minutes. Hopefully, Josie stuck to her word and covered for me. I couldn’t lose this job. From the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of Luke, deep in a conversation with a silvered haired gentleman. The animated way he moved his hands told me he was displeased. Funny how Luke’s appearance could change but his mannerisms stayed the same. I sensed it wasn’t a good time to interrupt, and returned to the front desk.

  Josie glanced up from the computer screen. “Hey, you’re back.”

  “I am. Did Robert come by?” I asked, referring to our boss.

  She shook her head. “Nope. You’re in luck. But if you don’t mind, it’s an hour past my lunchtime.”

  Guilt churned my stomach. It was irresponsible for me to run off without thinking about how it would affect Josie. She deserved a chocolate cake with thick fudge frosting for her kindness.

  “Of course. Again, I am so sorry,” I said.

  Her shoulders hit her ears in a nonchalant shrug. “No worries. You’d do the same for me.”

  She opened the door to the break room and left me to fend for myself. The next ten minutes or so, I buried myself in my work while I tried to pretend as if Luke wasn’t three feet away from me.

  “I love when you wear red.”

  My head snapped up at the sound of Finn’s voice. His perfectly tousled blonde hair matched his pressed suit. The guy was the reincarnation of a Ken doll, which annoyed the crap out of me sometimes.

  “What are you doing here?” I squeaked out.

  He cockily leaned against the counter. “I thought I would swing by on my lunch break and see my favorite girl.”

  I snuck a glance at Luke over Finn’s shoulder. No longer distracted by the silver haired gentleman, Luke’s eyes were riveted on me. Unable to look away, time seemed to slow down as I drank him in. How was it possible to hate somebody so much, yet feel as if your soul was on fire when you saw him?

  Finn followed my gaze. “Hey, isn’t that Luke?”

  I nodded.

  “That guy is a class A asshole for what he did.”

  Overlooking his insult, because it was true, I said, “He’s in town for a couple of days.”

  Finn clutched his hands at his sides, ready to fight for my honor. When Luke skipped town, my inner circle of friends heard about it and swore if Luke ever showed his face again, he’d leave Seattle minus his testicles. Finn, the all around popular guy, headed the angry mob. Now, four years later, he had his chance to make g
ood on his threat. However, I couldn’t risk the bad publicity the hotel might receive if Luke Anderson got maimed in the lobby.

  “Back down there, Tonto,” I said to Finn.

  He nodded in Luke’s direction. “That guy deserves to get punched for what he did to you.”

  Luke overhead what Finn said and strolled over. It was like witnessing the devil about to strike.

  “Hey Finney boy, how you doing?” Luke asked. It took a lot more than an empty threat to ruffle Luke’s feathers. However, I wouldn’t say the same for Finn. The mere presence of Luke made him take a step back. Fight for my honor, my ass. Finn would be on the ground in two seconds flat if they got in a scuffle.

  “How am I doing?” Finn sputtered “A lot better if you left this hotel”

  Luke turned his cool gaze in my direction. “Do you want me to leave?”

  I thought my running away from him said it all. The longer he stared at me though, the further my resolve weakened. Luke wasn’t fit to be a full time parent, but who was I to yank away the little time he had with Nil? She deserved to have her father in her life.

  “Of course she does,” Finn answered for me. “Don’t you, sweetie?”

  A flash of surprise registered over Luke’s face when he realized Finn and I were together. If ever there was time I wanted Finn to stop with the cutesy words, it was now. Besides, I wasn’t stupid. I knew Finn did it to stake his territory. Dog’s pee, and men use terms of endearment,. It’s all part of the game.

  “Don’t speak for her,” Luke growled at Finn.

  The air smelled of a fight as the two men postured, shoulders back, nostrils flaring, eyebrows furrowed in anger. This was ridiculous. I was about to step in when Finn’s cell phone ringer cut the tension. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and snapped it open.

  Turning his back to us, he answered. “Hello?”

  A quick muffled conversation ensued and ended on a “Be there in a jiffy.” As he turned back around, I noticed his face was lined with stress.

  “I’m sorry, I have to go. I’m late for a meeting.” He shot a disgruntled look at Luke. “Don’t be an asshole,” he growled.

  It was the sweetest thing Finn could have said which jogged my memory why I liked him. Luke silently held up his hands in defense.

  Finn leaned over the counter and gave me kiss on the cheek. “Call you tonight.” He flew out the door, his jacket flapping against his thighs.

  Luke looked after him with a look of pure distaste. “I can’t believe you’re dating him.”

  Back when Luke and I were together, my outfit of choice was a ratty pair of Converse and jeans that consisted of more holes than material. My parents figured it was a phase, until I brought Luke home. He was their worst nightmare, which subsequently started them on a ‘find Marlene a suitable boyfriend jag. The three years I dated Luke, he was all but ignored by my family. Instead, they pushed other potential suitors on me as if I needed to be rescued. My mom liked Finn the best since he lived in the most exclusive neighborhood in Seattle called The Highlands. Luke never said anything about it, but I knew it bothered him. Once he skipped town, Finn patiently waited around until I was ready to date again. Three months ago, I finally agreed to go out with him.

  “Yes I am,” I said.

  He gave me a sad-eyed looked. “What happened to you?”

  My hands balled at my sides as rage hummed through my veins.

  “What happened to me?” I laughed manically. “I had a baby. Your baby.”

  People’s heads turned at my off kilter voice.

  “I’m sorry, keep it down, will ya?” Luke said, nervously.

  I was tired of being shushed. It was time he took responsibility for his actions. “No!” I yelled. “You can’t just come in here and pretend everything is the same.” Tears filled my eyes. “Where were you when Nil got an allergic reaction and almost died? Or when she discovered music for the first time?” I gestured to life outside the window. “You were fucking groupies in the back of your tour bus while I was here in the same town you left me in, taking care of our daughter. What happened to me is that I grew up, Luke,” I spit out. “I suggest you do the same.”

  He looked at me wide-eyed. The old me would have held her tongue.

  After a moment, Luke spoke. “I’m sorry, I…”

  The silver haired gentleman from earlier tapped Luke on the shoulder, interrupting what he was about to say. I quickly glanced away and wiped the tears from my eyes.

  “You need to get ready for the party tonight,” he said.

  “Great, give me a second.” Irritation coated Luke’s voice

  “You had a minute two minutes ago. Now you’re pushing on being late.”

  I awkwardly watched the exchange between them. Whoever this man was, he was as hardheaded as Luke. Tension for the second time that day hung in the air, and I’d had enough of it.

  “Hi, I’m Marlene,” I said, sticking out my hand.

  He took it in a hearty handshake. “Sebastian, Luke’s manager.”

  At the mention of Sebastian’s name, I recalled it being used in an argument with Luke a month before he left. It was a scorching Saturday night in the middle of a heat wave. I remember this because eight months into the pregnancy, Nil’s feet were constantly kicking against my ribs and sleep was hard to come by. The hours ticked by as I waited for Luke to return home from one of his shows.

  At three in the morning, he stumbled in glossy-eyed. When I asked how the show went, he told me a man named Sebastian told him he had great talent and could be a big star someday. Sarcasm dripped out of my mouth when I questioned if it would pay for the diapers. Luke got defensive and shouted he didn’t want to have to choose his career over family. I should have known in the end, there was never a choice. Music would always be his number one priority.

  Sebastian glanced down at his watch and grimaced. “We really have to go.”

  “Fine. Just give me half a second.” When Sebastian didn’t budge, Luke gave him a pointed look. “Alone.”

  We watched Sebastian walk away in a huff to the lounge area. As I studied Luke’s face, I noticed bags underneath his eyes. A fierce protectiveness for Luke replaced the anger I felt toward him moments ago. Screw the party; he needed a bed and a full nine hours of uninterrupted sleep.

  “You seem tired,” I said.

  He grinned. “Touring will do that to you.” Regret flickered in his eyes. “I wish I hadn’t stayed away for so long, though. I tried to call, but you never answered.”

  It was true. On several occasions, I had received calls from numbers I didn’t recognize but in my heart, I knew they were from Luke calling from various hotels around the world. However, I never answered because I didn’t know what I would have said. Come home, your daughter needs you? I need you. What if he said no? My heart would have shattered, something I couldn’t have handled a second time. I figured it was best to secretly cruise his blog instead.

  Luke searched my face. “I also sent you a check in the mail every month, but you never cashed them. Why?”

  “Money doesn’t replace you.”

  A heavy sadness filled the void between us. I wished I could turn back the clock to when Luke and I first met. When I was the jelly to his jelly donut. When it never crossed my mind he would one day leave.

  “You were always too good for me,” Luke whispered.

  Watching him wallow in regret wasn’t enough. I wanted to dig the knife in deeper for all the nights I cried myself to sleep. “I should’ve known you would have ended up exactly like your father.”

  He took a staggering step back as if my words mortally wounded him. He stared at the ground before meeting my gaze. “I deserve that.”

  “Your half a second is up. Come on,” Sebastian hollered from across the room.

  Luke gave me a determined look. “I am going to fix this.”

  “Yeah, just you try,” I scoffed as he jogged to meet Sebastian at the elevators.

  It was going to take a miracle
for Luke to repair the broken relationships he left behind. He skittered into the elevator as it was about to close and jammed his hand in front of the doors. They pinged back open. “I will. And I won’t stop until you forgive me,” he said.

  Before I could tell him not to bother, the doors closed shut.

  THE LOW HANGING half-moon was visible through the kitchen window. With a wooden spoon, I stood over a double boiler, stirring a bar of chocolate into a stick of butter. I closed my eyes and breathed in the aromatic scents wafting up. When I told Josie I would make her a chocolate cake, she insisted it be miniature. Like every other girl in this world, she was on a diet. I turned off the heat and let the mixture cool on the stove while I went to work on the batter. The stress of today melted off me as I whisked the eggs into the sugar.

  “Mommy.”

  Nil stood in the doorway wide awake. Light bounced off her blonde curls, taking my breath away. I had to thank Luke for giving me such a beautiful child, but I knew I’d be cursing him someday when boys chased Nil in droves. I set the mixing bowl on the counter and knelt in front of her.

  “Can’t sleep?” I asked.

  She wrapped her chubby arms around my neck. I rubbed circles on her back to soothe whatever was ailing her. The Parkers were the kind of people who confessed their problems in due time. You couldn’t poke and prod them to tell you. So, I patiently held my position and waited.

  Finally, Nil spoke. “I drew a picture in class today.”

  “Can I see it?”

  She ran off to her bedroom, returning a moment later with a piece of white paper clasped in her hands. “Can you hang it on the fridge?”

  Our fridge was dedicated to Nil’s artistic renderings. Her latest obsession was horses, which I suspected were on the paper. To my surprise, three bears with the names mommy, daddy and Nil were written above their heads in blue crayon. I traced my finger over a shape that looked like a shoe flying over the sun.

  I pointed to it. “What’s that?”

  “A bus.”

  A small smile turned up the corner of my lips. Around the time Nil turned four, she started asking about Luke and no answer satisfied her. That was until I told her that her father was on a magical mystery tour. It had worked. She’d dropped the subject by the wayside—until today.