Hidden Heart

by Camelia Miron Skiba

  Shock paralyzed Octavia. Her sister had gone mad, why would she do such a terrible thing?

  “There, done,” Tessa said, standing and looking down at her own grave. She brushed the sweat on her forehead, then wiped off her nose on her sleeve. She looked sideways at her sister and continued, “I woke up this morning with the need to say goodbye to my old identity. I no longer own the first thirty years of my life. I have a long way to find myself, to find out who I really am, but I can’t carry such a load if I want to move forward.”

  Tessa picked the shovel and stopped in front of Octavia.

  Octavia looked amazed at the transformation of her sister; for the first time since the attack, her eyes sparked again with such intensity, they looked like emeralds on fire. Her skin glowed, her cheeks pink and her pouty mouth lifted in a faint smile. The short hair, all tousled and wavy framed her face, giving her an innocent air.

  “Come, now we can go,” Tessa said. She lifted her palm to embrace Octavia’s shoulders, reached for her, then curled her fingers in a fist. She tried again and again she failed. She took a big breath, opened her palm one more time and swallowing hard she touched Octavia’s elbow. The touch made her quiver, but she didn’t let go. Instead, a triumphant smile appeared on her face as they began walking side by side towards the house.

  Octavia didn’t argue, too shocked to say anything. She kept looking from time to time at Tessa’s profile; she no longer walked with her head bowed, no longer dragged her feet. Even her grip on her elbow felt alive; strength radiated from her cold fingers.

  “Where did you find her?” Alessandro asked the minute he saw them walking into the house. He was fully dressed, coat and boots on and ready to dart out to look for Tessa. His face full of dread began relaxing at the sight of her.

  “She was out… digging a hole,” Octavia answered, averting her eyes. She took off her coat and walked into the kitchen where Chiara had just started the coffee machine.

  Alessandro and Tessa remained in the hall entry, face-to-face, staring at each other. Months ago, she’d jump into his arms and bury her face in his scent, in his chest. Months ago, he’d welcome her into his arms, hugging her, kissing her. Today, they seemed to have lost that. Instead, an uncomfortable emptiness and silence replaced the intimacy and the belonging feeling, leaving them two strangers under the same roof.

  For too long he’d waited for her to acknowledge his presence. For too long he’d been waiting for her to talk to him, tell him something—anything.

  Alessandro took a step closer, lifted his palm, but dropped it before he touched her face. He saw her face sparkling again and for a second he forgot Tessa wouldn’t welcome his touch anymore. Being alone around her seemed harder and harder to endure, his desire for her making it that much more difficult. He didn’t allow himself to think about the way she made him feel inside and out, what impact she had on his senses. He didn’t even let himself mourn the baby they’d lost, and about whose existence he had no idea until the doctor told him; instead he told himself whenever she regained her strength, they’d talk about it and mourn together.

  Tessa pulled at her scarf and bowed her head, then walked into the living room. She looked around the room and for the first time in months, the place felt hers again. As if a curtain had been removed from her eyes, everything looked familiar; the colorful books covering an entire wall, the sofa and matching chairs with the yellow and green flower pattern fabric, the rustic coffee table and the heavy dark green draperies. She stopped near the fireplace and ran her fingers on the stone shelf above it. It felt warm and rough.

  She closed her eyes, feeling Alessandro close by; his scent and proximity made it hard to concentrate, to get out the words she’d rehearsed since she woke up that morning. She knew her words would stab at his heart, but if there was a single thing she was sure about these days, it was letting him go on with his life.

  “Alessandro…” His name felt like a balm on her lips. She turned half his way, but couldn’t muster the courage to look into his eyes. “Listen, Alessandro…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I just want to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

  He took a step closer and that threw her off balance. She gripped the stone shelf, backed against the wall and shook her head in denial.

  He stopped. His shoulder slumped and his head bowed. He brushed his hand through his hair.

  “I need you to go…I need you to go and never look back…I can’t…I can’t be with you. I need my space, I need to find who I am…” She fought to swallow the lump that formed in her throat. “Tessa, the woman you knew…she doesn’t exist anymore…she’s dead…please, set me free.”

  It hurt to say it, but she had to. She held her scarf with both hands and squeezed it tight, so tight her fingernails dug into her palms. Her heart hammered and the wave of tears threatened to spill on her face.

  He looked confused, like she spoke a foreign language, a language he didn’t understand.

  “What? Why? Why don’t you let me stay and take care of you?”

  “Because it’s wrong; us…it was wrong all along and I…it’s better this way, trust me,” she whispered.

  “But why?” his raised voice resonated into the house.

  Octavia and Chiara hurried into the room, looking concerned.

  “I need to talk to her,” Alessandro said without even glancing at them. His demeanor was stiff, his voice convincing, his eyes locked on Tessa. Tessa nodded at her sisters and they retreated to the kitchen.

  “Look, I know it has been hard on you, but I don’t want you to waste more time.” She put a hand on her upper chest, pressed hard, then made a half circle with her arm. “I have nothing to give you and I’d be selfish to want you to stay with me when I am not who you need. It’s been a lie all along, so please go!”

  She felt the urge to run—run away from him, run away from the pain she’d caused him. She tried to rush out of the room, but he stopped her. His imposing stature overwhelmed her and forced her to take a step back. She felt his breath on her face, his smoldering eyes drowning in tears.

  His voice cracked to a whisper, “If this is what you really, really want, then I will not stop you. Just promise me, when you find what you are looking for, you’ll let me know. I’ll be waiting.”

  She didn’t mean it, did she? She needs me…I need her. I can’t just walk away like this…is she losing her mind? Alessandro felt as if something kicked him below the belt and a claw entrapped his heart, squeezing it, making it bleed. He collapsed on the couch, rested his elbows on his knees and grabbed fistfuls of hair at the side of his head.

  He couldn’t comprehend what Tessa just told him. Her words kept pounding in his ears, each one of them sending arrows to his heart. After all this time he had lived in her shadow, being at her side throughout this dark, uncertain period of her existence, breathed the air around her day and night, the woman he dreamed he’d spend the rest of his life with, told him she needed space.

  “No, no, no, it can’t be true,” he kept whispering to himself, shaking his head in denial.

  How am I supposed to live without her? I’ve moved to a different country, changed my job, started fresh just to be with her, near her and now? What am I supposed to do?

  Someone’s hand shook his shoulder. It was Octavia with Chiara right next to her, wringing her hands. He jerked at the touch and struggled to understand what Octavia said, yet he couldn’t make out the sound of her voice.

  “What?” he finally articulated.

  “Are you okay?” Octavia said, raising her voice and saying each word clearer.

  He rubbed his palms against his thighs, then stood. “No, I am not.” He walked to the fireplace, bent and threw two more logs into the fire, then stabbed at it with the poker. He then put it down, rubbed his palms and finally looked at the two sisters.

  “She wants me gone,” he said, his voice sounding as empty as a crystal ball.

  “What?” Octavia and Chiara s
aid at the same time.

  “I guess she doesn’t need me, doesn’t want me to waste my time around her.” He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, then walked to the coffee table and began packing his laptop. His hands trembled as he wrapped the mouse and inserted the laptop in its case. Then he picked up several papers, and placed them on top of the laptop case.

  “And you believed her?” Chiara said, frowning. “You’re packing already?”

  Alessandro walked about the room and picked up his belongings; books, CD’s, several movies, a sweater and piled everything on the coffee table in the middle of the room.

  “What do you want me to do, Chiara?” He raised both arms then dropped them. “I am not going to force her to be with me. She said it very clear; she needs space. I’d never force a woman to be with me, so what else can I do?”

  Chiara stepped in front of him and placed both palms on her waist, a dismayed look on her face. He recognized that body position—arguing time.

  “Aren’t you going to fight for her? Giving up so easily?”

  Octavia came to his rescue. “Leave him alone. It’s not about fighting or giving up on her. She is making sense to some extent. She’s struggled for too many months. Think about it. At least she is not a walking ghost just waiting for the next day to come.

  “When I found her this morning…she was digging a grave. Her own, she told me. A photo of herself is now at the bottom of that pit,” Octavia said, then sighed and picked up one of Alessandro’s books from the shelf above the fireplace and handed it to him. “Thank you for all your help. I hope she’ll find who she really is, one day soon. And I hope you’ll find in your heart the strength to forgive her.” Octavia hugged Alessandro and patted him on the back. When she pulled out of his hug, tears ran down her cheeks, yet she tried to smile.

  Chapter 16

  “What do you want to do next?” Octavia asked. All three of them bunked on Tessa’s bed, sipping tea, ready for bed. It began snowing in the morning, but by late afternoon it stopped. Everything looked frozen, covered under a white mantel, an angry wind crackling tree branches, which made the area look that much more sinister.

  A week had passed since Alessandro had left the cabin and the place seemed strange without him. Tessa had cried and cried for days and her sisters feared she’d fall back into depression. When they asked her to call him back, she was adamant about not doing that, saying she wasn’t what he needed nor did she have anything to offer him. Losing him for good now seemed unbearable, but still, she didn’t want to contact him.

  “Have you thought about coming with one of us? Maybe you’d like to start fresh. You speak English and German; you could find work and stay with us for a while,” Chiara said. “With no one to keep you tied to this country, you don’t have to remain here. You could do so much better and we’d be closer.”

  “I want to go back to Bucharest,” Tessa replied, running her finger along the mug’s rim. “But I don’t want to live in my own apartment anymore; I doubt I’ll ever be able to enter that place,” she continued, shrugging.

  “Well, if you don’t want to leave the country, you could stay at Mama’s house. It’s an option,” Chiara offered, exchanging quick looks with Octavia. “It’s not the most modern place or in the best shape, but you could arrange it the way you want.”

  Tessa took a sip of her tea, then said, “I thought about it and I wanted to ask both of you if…what would you think if I buy your share of it and make it my own? My apartment should sell for a pretty good price because of its location. With the money that I get for it I could pay you for your part of the house. I’ll figure out how to pay you the difference. It will take me some time because I’d like to renovate it.”

  The idea came to her when she realized earlier that it would be impossible to return to her apartment—ever. She couldn’t remain hiding in the mountains either. But she needed a place to live. She really liked her parents’ house, although it would require a lot of work. She had so much time on her hands now until she figured what to do with her life, time she could use to remodel the house. It was bigger than her apartment, but that suited her future plans anyway. And she hoped that time and space would help her heal and find her true identity.

  “We all grew up there and I used to feel safe and happy in our parents’ house. I’d hate to let it go if we sold it to some strangers,” Tessa added.

  “I think this is a great idea, Tessa,” Octavia said. “I thought of buying it myself and keeping it as a vacation house for all of us. If Chiara or I decide to come and spend more time in Bucharest, why stay at a hotel when we can keep the house?”

  “I thought about it too, but I couldn’t afford to buy it,” Chiara said, then stood and poured more tea in her cup.

  “Well, then we all agree to keep the house; Tessa will remodel and transform it as she pleases. I don’t need you to pay me more than what you can from the sale of your place. Just promise me that I can stay with you whenever we plan on vacationing in Romania. It will not happen very often, but probably once a year we’ll come and invade your house,” Octavia said, cheerfully.

  Her little sister seemed able to make some sound decisions about her new life and she was comforted to see her trying to move on and figure out her future. Chiara too consented to the keeping of the house. All they needed was to go to a notary and sign documents attesting to their agreement.

  They talked until well after midnight, making plans about what the house needed replaced, where it needed improvements and what they would like to keep from the old furniture. The old wood floors—as old as the house—were in dire need of replacement; the tile in both bathrooms and kitchen called for a change. A new AC system for the entire house would cost a small fortune, but it was necessary. The whole project would take months, but Tessa said she had all the time in the world until she figured out which way to go. She had no job, though Victor had told her to come back whenever she wanted. Maybe she’d start her own little company, but couldn’t decide for sure in what field. She shared that with her sisters too and they both liked the idea and encouraged her.

  Before they said goodnight Tessa said, “I know the last couple of months must’ve been very hard on both of you. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everything and how much I love both of you. Thank you for being here for me, supporting me and believing in me. Thank you for being my sisters.”

  ***

  Since her return to Bucharest two weeks ago Tessa had moved into her parents’ house. She had not once stepped into her apartment, nor did she want anything from that place. She hired a good friend of hers, a realtor, to put her apartment up for sale. Before her sisters left Romania, they went and boxed all her clothes, jewelry, shoes, and books. Then she hired a moving company to move the furniture and all other belongings to a storage unit until she decided what to do next. She kept documents and bank papers and began slowly to get involved with her finances. The rentals still brought her a great deal of money and her account looked more than decent.

  Tessa struggled with the insurance for her totally wrecked car, damage caused by Daniel, but for which the insurance company refused to pay, their reasoning being that she wasn’t the driver at the time the accident happened. She threatened to bring in the media and expose the company for dirty business until the insurance finally agreed to pay on her policy. Triumphant, she left their office and went from one car dealer to another, looking at various models, prices and specifications; in the end she chose a red Toyota Camry she fell in love with the minute she saw it. She had to reach deep in her account for the payment, but she had no regrets. This was the first thing she felt in control of in months and it sure felt good.

  Victor had visited her, renewing his offer for her to come and work with him, but she refused it. The contract with R.O.C.A. had been signed and the repairs to the DN1 Road began sometime in October. Nothing happened with the notary’s accounts and the farmers still didn’t get their money back. As sad as it was, corruption and blackm
ail still governed their society and judicial system.

  She met Eva for lunch once, although she felt apprehensive about seeing her old friend. It wasn’t because she hadn’t seen her in so long, but because she knew Eva worked with Alessandro and, obviously, she’d talk about him.

  Tessa made numerous attempts during their lunch to change the subject, but Eva always brought Alessandro back into their discussion. Forty minutes later, she still had to listen to Eva’s singing his praises.

  “He’s always punctual and so handsome, he could be a model,” Eva said, tipping her head theatrically. “He works long hours, sometimes I get there at seven-thirty and he is already in his office. I once forgot my cell and I returned to work and it was after eight in the evening and he was still there. He’s so polite and charming. I just love working with him.”

  “Okay, okay, Eva, I get it. You like working with him, I’m happy for you. But, how about you tell me how your daughter likes going to kindergarten? Does little Iulia still cry every morning when you drop her off?"

  “Oh, it’s such a nightmare every morning. I decided she is a drama queen. She asks for kisses and hugs every single morning, over and over again, and ten minutes later I still hold her and I still give her kisses, then I get up to leave and she calls me and I feel bad leaving her and I go back and the ritual starts all over again. Then of course, I arrive late at work, but Alessandro is such a nice guy; he never makes any comments. I apologize and he says, “It’s okay.” I have to do what I have to do to take care of my daughter and then he asks me how she is doing and we end up talking and talking.