About Face (Wolf Within)

by Amy Lee Burgess

  He stopped short, and I would have fallen if not for his fingers dug into my arm.

  “I don’t want it to hurt,” I begged. “I want it to be over quickly. Please. As my Alpha, please don’t make it hurt.”

  “Get going,” he said again.

  He never let go of my arm, even when we got on the bus filled with early-morning commuters on their way to work. We sat in the back, me by the window, and as the bus chugged through its route, I looked out at the River Liffey and the baskets of blooming flowers hung from lamp posts and beneath building windows. I was so far from home, and everything was different and unfamiliar.

  The stench of Others on the bus polluted my nostrils. Everything I looked at was all wrong and unfamiliar. Their Irish accents blended into a cacophony of scary noise. I didn’t belong here. I didn’t want to die so far from home. My ashes would not be scattered in a New England forest but somewhere here in Ireland. Would my restless spirit walk because I wasn’t where I belonged?

  I thought about screaming but didn’t. What would Others do for me? Since I’d been a child, I’d been trained not to appeal to them, not to make eye contact unless I had to. They surely couldn’t save me from my own pack unless I wanted to risk exposure. My life was not more important than the Pack’s safety.

  So I sat beside Paddy on the bus and wiped my bloody palms on my yoga pants so they left smears of red while Paddy held on to my arm as if we were boyfriend and girlfriend out to see the sights.

  Paddy was my Alpha, and it was ingrained in me to follow his lead. I had never been the blindly obedient pack member some people were, but I always tried to follow my Alpha’s lead—even Jonathan’s, and I had never respected him. I did respect Paddy, or least I had until I’d seen him give that old man money. Even now I struggled to try to understand why he’d throw his lot in with the conspiracy. How could he be such a ruthless killer and such a gentle, understanding man at the same time?

  Why weren’t things black-and-white? Why did they always end up such an alarming shade of gray?

  It was an overcast day, and sporadic raindrops splattered against the bus window. I tried to make peace with myself, but I couldn’t help but tremble and wish I’d never woken up in time to hear Paddy’s phone call.

  Colm, the red-haired giant, was not in front of the pub’s green door. A Closed sign hung in the window, but Paddy led me to the alleyway and the fire escape.

  He pulled down the ladder so it touched the cobblestones and gestured for me to climb it and then take the stairs to the door that led to his office. I could see a light from the office window. Whoever waited there must have had a key. Would it be Mick Shaughnessy? Fiona? Declan Byrne? Someone I didn’t know yet from Mac Tire?

  “It’ll be open,” Paddy called from just behind me. Maybe I could bring myself to push him over the edge of the railing and make a break for it, but before I could, Paddy reached around me and opened the door himself.

  He shoved me forward, and I stumbled inside, my gaze fixed to my feet so I wouldn’t trip and fall.

  Paddy stepped in behind me and shut the door.

  When I looked up, my heart stopped.

  Chapter 9

  “Murphy,” I whispered.

  He’d grown a goatee in the months since I’d last seen him. A charcoal-gray crewneck t-shirt with long sleeves and a pair of off-black jeans fitted him like a second skin. He’d let his hair grow out, and he looked edgy, dangerous and sexy as all hell.

  At first his face lit up when he saw me, but then he took in the blood on my pants and Paddy’s no doubt dire expression and froze.

  He was propped against the wall behind Paddy’s rolltop desk, and now he moved around it with his quick, smooth grace, and the way the muscles bunched beneath his shirt flashed me back to so many memories of walking, driving, and making love together.

  It both hurt and thrilled me, and yet above everything was the horrible realization Liam Murphy was a traitor and everything I thought I’d known about him was a black and filthy lie. This was a hundred times worse than Paddy. The enormity of it threatened to collapse my legs from beneath me. How could I have been so wrong about him?

  “She saw me giving money to Mick in a back alley,” Paddy confessed, and Murphy’s whole face tightened, his eyes darker than I’d ever seen them even in the throes of passion.

  “She thinks I brought her here so we could kill her.” Paddy stepped past me, and I saw the grief and fury on his face before he stalked to the rolltop desk and kicked one of the legs right out from under it.

  The crack of the breaking leg made me jump and the desk crashed to the ground. Papers flew everywhere. Paddy kicked them, too and stomped them to pieces. His breath came in sobbing gasps. Rooted to the spot, I couldn’t tear my gaze away and watched him destroy the desk until it was nothing but broken pieces.

  Murphy stared too. He stepped protectively close to me as if to shield me from flying pieces of wood.

  When Paddy’s rampage ended, the desk completely obliterated, he doubled over out of breath, and sweat and tears poured down his face.

  Bent over, he rasped, “Now, for the love of God, Liam, will you tell her the truth of it like I asked you to four months ago? I can’t do this anymore…I can’t.”

  “You can,” Murphy said, and his voice sent a shiver of recognition through my body. God, I’d missed him so much, it wasn’t fair. “You’ve come this far with it, Paddy. You can finish it.”

  Paddy shook his head and sucked in a deep breath before he straightened. He pointed a finger at Murphy’s chest.

  “Tell her.” The desk chair had somehow escaped his wrath, and he staggered over and collapsed in it.

  Murphy turned to me. He was so close I could see his eyelashes and the silk-screen print of his shirt. He smelled of his signature cologne and something uniquely him that reminded me of autumn leaves on a crisp October day. His scent triggered a wave of longing within me that I tried in vain to smother. He was a liar and traitor. Everything we’d shared had been a lie.

  His gaze traveled over the length of my body and back to my face, and I was sucked forward against my will, drawn by the power I’d given him over me. My heartbeat went crazy. I’d missed him so much.

  “First off, we’re not gonna kill you.”

  I spat at his feet and, shocked, he looked up from the floor to my eyes. I’d surprised even myself with my reaction. Fury, unreasonable and hot, flooded my system. After four months all he could say to me, in a condescending tone was First off, we’re not gonna kill you? Epic fail, Liam Murphy.

  “If you’re not going to kill me, excuse me while I go call Allerton. Fuck you both.” I wheeled for the door, but his next words stopped me in my tracks.

  “Don’t you even want to hear our side of it? What are you going to tell Allerton?”

  “What am I going to tell him?” I turned back, incredulous, and tried to smother all the love I’d ever felt for him, but some of it refused to be killed. “For starters, that you’re a double-crossing, traitorous sonofabitch and the Alpha of Mac Tire is a part of the conspiracy. Then I’m gonna sit at your tribunal, Liam Murphy, and watch you crash and burn. You couldn’t be bothered to attend mine, but you won’t be able to pay me to keep away from yours.”

  His eyes flickered, and I swore I saw hurt flash across his face.

  I wrapped my arms across my chest. So cold. I was so damn cold.

  “It’s a long story, you might want to sit down.” He gestured toward one of the armchairs and I curled my lip at him. More hurt flashed across his features.

  “He gave that old man money. The one who killed Sorcha. And you know all about it and support it.”

  “There’s a reason why we’re doing the things we do. Please sit down, Stanzie. Hear us out, and then call Allerton if you have to. We won’t stop you, but we need you to listen to us first. Give us a chance.” His dark eyes were compelling as he stared at me. I’d seen his beloved face in my dreams and daytime fantasies for months. I’d missed hi
m. Could I have fallen in love with a traitor? I knew he was stubborn and dedicated and protective. Secretive sometimes.

  “You don’t want me to call Allerton,” I accused as a sickening sensation of free fall made me want to puke. “Not now and not after you explain. Do you? Because he has no goddamn idea what you’re doing, does he?”

  “Not exactly,” Murphy confessed, and tears clogged my throat.

  “He sent me here to try to convince you to tone it down because you’re too conspicuous, but that’s exactly what you’re trying to be, right? You want them to come after you.”

  “It’s complicated, Stanzie.”

  “Fuck complicated, Murphy. Just tell me the goddamn truth. For once? You and Paddy are playing a lone hand because for some reason you don’t want Allerton involved which can only mean that you’re doing something stupid and dangerous. And if you think I want any part of it, think the fuck again. No. No way.”

  “It’s not stupid,” Murphy said, his eyes narrow with anger. “It’s Paddy’s life, don’t you get it? I’m not going to let anything happen to him, and I tried to keep you out of it, but now you’re in it and, damn you, he’s your Alpha, too. Stop arguing with me and listen to what I’m trying to tell you!”

  We glared at each other until I stalked to a chair and threw myself into it.

  Fear for him made me mean. “You have one minute to convince me you both aren’t being complete assholes.”

  His jaw tightened. “No. I’m not going let you put me on some frigging arbitrary time clock. You either listen or you don’t, but I’m not going to be rushed. There’s the door. Walk out now, call Allerton, and reap the consequences—or sit there, shut up and listen to me.”

  We glared at each other again until I rolled my eyes.

  “In case you hadn’t noticed, I shut the fuck up about a minute ago, and now I’m just sitting here waiting.” I gave him another baleful glare. “And I still reserve the right to call Allerton no matter what the fuck you say.”

  “Fine,” he snarled and raked his fingers through his hair. The bastard had never looked sexier to me, and I cursed myself. Why did he have to grow a goatee? They were so damn hot. It was as if he did things like that to torture me.

  “Look, let me tell her.” Paddy sat straight in his chair, and tears glittered in his eyes. “You’re all the time trying to clean up after all my mistakes, Liam, but let me tell this story.”

  Murphy looked at him for a moment and then abruptly glanced away. Tacit permission for Paddy to do what he wanted.

  Fee had told me that Murphy was their little group’s leader and how as kids, he and Paddy would cover for each other when they got into trouble. Mostly it had been Paddy who got into trouble and Murphy who took the blame for it. The dynamic had apparently not changed with the passage of time. Of course Murphy would protect and cover for his best friend. Paddy had been in his life since Murphy had been born. His loyalties to his Alpha and best friend would run deeper than his loyalties to a new bond mate he didn’t even love.

  Whatever Paddy was about to tell me, I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear, but this was why Allerton had sent me here. I was his Advisor and it was my job to listen to tales like the one Paddy was about to tell.

  Paddy leaned forward and stared at me until I gave in and met his gaze. When I did, he shook his head, and his mouth twisted in self-derision.

  “Five years ago my father came to me with a proposition. He was a man I’d respected and honored and tried to emulate all my life. He asked me to join him and a group of others within the Pack who had organized a movement geared toward preserving the old ways. They called themselves the Guardians. They’d formed in direct opposition of another group who called themselves Pack First.

  “You see, Pack First wanted to move the Pack out of the shadows and into the modern world with Others. They’d started by encouraging younger members to get college educations and go out and get decent, high-tech jobs. They wanted them placed in positions of power and prestige so when they revealed that the Pack existed, we’d be so influential that the revelation would be smooth. We’d be accepted into society and not be forced to live behind the Others. We could live beside them at first and then, gradually, step ahead.

  “We live longer, retain youth longer, heal faster, and we’re stronger, more resistant to certain diseases and immune to others still.

  “If we had the technology and the power base, we could take over. In theory. But my Da, he didn’t believe it would work. He thought it was a path to disaster. We’d stayed in the shadows all these millennia for a reason, and that’s because Others are violent by nature and distrustful and, above all, dominant.”

  I was frozen in my chair as I listened. Pack First? Guardians? The conspiracy was so much deeper than I’d ever suspected. Did Allerton know all this background? He must. Why hadn’t he told me? Who the hell was I supposed to be able to trust?

  Paddy stared at me for a moment as if he sensed my inner turmoil before he went on. “Why do you think the wolves were exterminated in Ireland all those centuries ago? Why do you think there’s such an atavistic hatred toward wolves from the Others even today? It’s because they knew about us once, knew what we were, and the only way they could tell us apart from them was by wolf form. So they killed wolves. They still kill them today, even though they don’t understand why. To protect their livestock they say now. Because they’re mean, nasty and vicious. That’s the tale they tell, even though wolves don’t attack humans and the weather kills more livestock than wolves do.

  “They kill wolves because they are still trying, instinctively, to kill us. The Others would never allow the Pack to knowingly coexist with them, much less gain control, and since there are way fewer of us than there are of them, we don’t stand a chance. We’ll be wiped out as a species before we even begin to fight back.”

  I shivered and he gave me a sympathetic look.

  He took a deep breath and said, “Kevin scared the shit out of me, Stanzie, because I could see it all unfolding just as he described it. There would be no halcyon period of Others and Pack coexisting. The Others would fight from the start, and our lives would be spent running and hiding. At least now we have places we can call home. We’ve perfected a system of blending in but never standing out. It’s taken us centuries to get what little we have, and these misguided idiots would throw it all away for us unless something is done.

  “The truth is, I still believe that. I still think coming out to the Others is the wrong thing to do, and I never joined the Guardians thinking we’d resort to killing our own kind. But people have been dying. Liam’s Sorcha, your bond mates, Grey and Elena—may they be safe in the otherworld.”

  “Jesus.” I rubbed my temples. My fucking head was going to explode. I hadn’t known the first thing about the conspiracy. Where could I even start to untangle all the layers and layers of deception so I could find the truth of it all? “You joined the Guardians five years ago. What the hell took you so long to tumble to the truth of what monsters they really were? And why didn’t you tell Murphy what you were doing?”

  “I wanted to tell him, but my Da swore me to secrecy. We’d recruit him later, he told me. Then Sorcha died, and before I knew it I was Alpha.”

  “Yeah, Alpha because your father put you there by having Sorcha killed.” My head was going to blow apart. I knew it. I put my hands to either side of my skull as if I could keep it from happening.

  “I won’t believe that. I won’t believe Kevin O’Reilly had a hand in cold-blooded murder. All I know for sure is Mick Shaughnessy arranged it, and I didn’t even know that until nine months ago when he came to me and demanded help to get him the hell out because his cover was blown. And after what he told me next, that’s when I realized that the Guardians weren’t all who I thought they were. All this time I’d thought I’d been doing something good for the Pack.” Paddy squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them wide.

  “Then Mick told me what he’d done to Sorcha. Told
me it was on Guardian orders and that he’d done it to make me Alpha. Do you know what the hell that felt like, Stanzie? That I’d been responsible for her death? I half killed the bastard in a fury, and I was going out of my mind not knowing what to do.”

  “Orders from who?” I asked. “Your father?”

  “My father’s dead.” Paddy’s mouth trembled, and my heart gave a lurch in my chest. What the fuck?

  “Dead?” I didn’t want to face the implications of that, but I had nowhere to turn. “How?”

  “The official story is a heart attack. But the man was only sixty-five. I suppose it could be true, but I have doubts.” Paddy’s answer made me gasp in outrage.

  “What are you saying? He was assassinated? By who? Mick Shaughnessy? The Guardians? Because he found out the real agenda and couldn’t go along with it?”

  “I don’t know.” Paddy’s voice was full of anguish. “That’s the whole problem, isn’t it, Stanzie? I don’t know who I can talk to. I know other Guardians, but how do I know they’re not in on it all? I can’t believe everyone in the Guardians is a lying, murdering bastard. I know I’m not! Mick got his orders from someone. He didn’t just decide to murder Sorcha to get me into the Alpha position. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been trying my damnedest to get that old bastard to tell me who he takes his orders from, but he won’t talk. He tells me what happened to Sorcha could happen to me if I don’t frigging cooperate. At this point I wouldn’t put it past them to go after Fee. I can’t risk it.”

  “Then you need to go to Pack First. Go to the Great Council,” I said.

  Why had I never questioned why people of the Pack would support what I’d called “the conspiracy”? I’d accepted a sort of half-assed belief that they rejected change. The idea of coming out to Others and then being exterminated for it had never crossed my mind. I didn’t want that, obviously. However, I drew the line at killing my own kind to attain the means to an end. That was never the answer. There were so few of us, we could ill afford to lose anyone before his or her time.