About Face (Wolf Within)

by Amy Lee Burgess

“You want everything given to you in a neat package, Stanzie, and I can’t give you that.”

  “There’s the Advisor, too. Ryan. Ryan Kelly. He could be in on it. Couldn’t he?”

  “Absolutely,” agreed Allerton. “We could be dealing with a Guardian who believes in murder to weaken the Pack First agenda or one who doesn’t and made a deliberate sacrifice of two who did.”

  I stopped in my tracks, and he halted, too.

  “Just toss Declan and Grandfather Mick away like garbage? Killing an Alpha? A Councilor who was a Guardian? How is that not murder, too?”

  Jason shook his head somberly. “Maybe no one was supposed to die and things went horribly wrong. Maybe they thought Paddy would kill Shaughnessy instead of the other way around. I don’t know.”

  “Was Paddy the real target, or were you?” I felt tears prick my eyes but wouldn’t let them fall.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t tell me you don’t know. You don’t seem to know anything! How can you know so much and yet not know anything about this? How am I supposed to take your word for it after all the shit you’ve led me to believe? I want answers, Jason. Real ones. True ones. Not this amorphous bullshit you’re trying to hand me tonight. My Alpha is dead. Dead. And somebody has to pay for that!”

  “Somebody will. Mick Shaughnessy already has and, thanks to you, Declan Byrne is not far behind.”

  “But the real power behind it will get away. We’ve got to bring down Etain Feehery or Glenn Murphy.”

  “In time, if either or both of them merit it, we will,” Jason assured me.

  “Time,” I spat. The word tasted foul in my mouth. “Why not now? Why not at Declan’s tribunal?”

  “The tribunal is convened against Declan Byrne. And both those Councilors will serve upon it. I will as well.”

  “How can you possibly serve? You were the one Shaughnessy attacked. You wouldn’t serve on my tribunal. Kathy Manning couldn’t serve on mine because I acted in her name, so how is it fair that you could serve on the tribunal which accuses a man of conspiring to assassinate you?”

  “Because the other serving members do not object. Because I have not recused myself from the panel. Because this is Guardian business and needs to be handled delicately.” Jason faced me in the moonlight. A cloud obscured the moon, and for a moment his face became indistinct and shadowed, and then the cloud passed, and he was revealed again.

  “This isn’t a real tribunal, is it? It’s some sort of fucking kangaroo court because you’re all scared to death to let this get out.” My mind reeled. I wanted the bastard condemned, but this seemed underhanded.

  “Stanzie, we judge by the evidence and facts presented. Those photographs have nailed his coffin shut.”

  “You can’t prove he’s part of the underground movement in the Guardians unless he admits it. Not unless the one behind him comes forward.”

  “Which isn’t likely to happen. But we’re not trying him on conspiracy charges. The assassination attempt on me and the murder of an Alpha are enough to sentence him to death.”

  “But the whole reason for the attempt is the conspiracy,” I whispered.

  “Not exactly true.” Ah, here it came. Another admission. One more lie of omission. How could I trust this man if he never told the basic facts?

  Jason’s blue eyes were wide in the moonlight as he faced me. “My former bond mate was Mick Shaughnessy’s granddaughter. He’s never forgiven me for taking her from Mac Tire and her family. For her going insane after our baby was stillborn. Declan Byrne was his great-nephew.”

  He waited for me to respond as I explored all the possibilities. The twisted family ties in this damn pack. Declan Byrne and Etain Feehery were cousins. Wouldn’t it make perfect sense for them to use Jason in their plot to murder Paddy because he wouldn’t stay join in with them or stay silent forever about his suspicions? That would work if Etain Feehery did believe in murder to further the Guardians’s agenda.

  I couldn’t forget that Etain was Jason’s first bond mate’s twin sister. That made her Mick’s great granddaughter. He was blood family. Had she been in league with him and once his complicity in Sorcha’s death had surfaced? What if she wasn’t part of the murderous movement within the Guardians? What if she’d merely tried to help her great grandfather by getting him money through Paddy? Maybe she wasn’t a part of his treachery but because he was family she’d tried to secretly support him?

  Was Etain rich? She’d dressed as if she had money and Grandfather Mick had gone through the money Paddy gave him almost as fast as he got it. Because he was used to having unlimited funds and had never lived on a budget?

  “You inherited all your money from your former bond mate, didn’t you?” My voice shook, and I struggled to control it.

  A flash of his teeth in the moonlight. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  A beat of silence.

  “Is that why you thought I stayed bonded with her? For money?” He looked wounded, or maybe it was a trick of the moonlight. “Stanzie, I loved her.”

  “It didn’t stop you from having a parade of mistresses. I also know you have history with Etain Feehery. I know she was your bond mate’s twin,” I said, but I was thrown. Why did the idea of his loving his dead bond mate surprise me so much? Why did I always believe whatever I was told?

  “I’m not going to discuss my reasons for the women I’ve known over the years. It is truly none of your business and not germane to the situation at hand.”

  “Of course not,” I said. “Anytime we ever get close to your personal life, your true feelings, you erect a wall a hundred feet high and hide behind it. But I’m supposed to trust you with my life and I’m supposed to do what you ask me to do simply because you ask me to do it. That’s not good enough anymore. I thought you were a great and powerful man. And you are. You’ve helped me more than once, but does that make me your slave? Do I have to pay off the debt of your gracious charity?

  “You’re asking me to be your dog, Jason. Am I supposed to be okay with it because you don’t ask me to lick your boots?”

  “I was lonely,” he said and the vulnerability in his expression hit me hard until I couldn’t seem to draw a deep breath. “All I ever had after Erin went insane was my position on the Regional and then the Great Council. I dedicated my life to the Great Pack and to upholding justice and honor, but it’s hard to sleep at night with justice and honor as bedmates. And it was never simply for carnal pleasure. Every woman I ever associated with was intelligent and sensitive and just for a little while my best friend.

  “People in my position have many allies, but damn few friends. Every mistress was my friend first, and quite a few of them, most of them, are still. And there weren’t as many as you obviously think. I can count all of them on both hands with fingers to spare. What have I left out? Do you want all their names? Testimonials from them? Will that make you happy? Tell me what you want of me, Stanzie, and I’ll get it for you. Maybe then you’ll stop looking at me as if I were a traitor. I’m not the enemy. I understand you’re angry and you want answers, but I’ve given you all that I can.

  “What will it take for you to believe that I don’t know whether Etain Feehery or Glenn Murphy had a hand in this or not? Do you think this is easy for me? I was once very fond of Etain Feehery, she was my bond mate’s twin, and the thought of her being a possible accessory to murder sickens me. Do you know how much it will take out of me to bring her down? I will if she deserves it, but you think I’m a bottomless well of resources, and I’m not. I’m just as weak as everybody else. Maybe more so because I have to be a Councilor every minute or people get upset.

  “I can’t be anything but a Councilor to you because that’s what you want of me, what you expect of me. That’s one of the things I treasure most about your mother. She doesn’t look at me and see Councilor Jason Allerton. She sees the man, not the image. I’ve tried to show you the man, but you won’t see. So if I seem distant and reluctant to share my p
ersonal life with you, maybe now you can understand why.” He stared at me for a moment and then hung his head, as if in shame.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to burden you with my problems. You’re in pain, and I’m only adding to it. Forgive me.” He turned away from me and gazed out over the gray lake.

  I stood rooted to the ground. So many different emotions slammed into me until I wanted to sink to the grass and cower until they left me alone.

  Chief among them was doubt of my own motives, my own grasp of the situation. I was such a fucked up mess, how could I interpret anything correctly?

  I wished I’d stay in wolf form longer. Had any of us ever stayed that way permanently? Or made that shape the primary and this the one they used only sometimes? That would be a hell of a lot easier. Wolves didn’t murder each other. There were no conspiracies in the grass or the trees or the wind in our fur.

  I took a step closer to Jason so our shoulders brushed. I waited for him to move away, but he didn’t. He continued to stare at the lake, which shone silver in the capricious moonlight.

  “Don’t you get it, Jason?” I fixed my gaze on the rocky shore and watched small waves lap over the stones then retreat. Waves were the heartbeat of a lake, I thought. Calm for the most part, but bring a storm overhead, and they would lash up into a froth of fury. Beat the stones and sand on the shore into dust.

  “You’re everything I ever most admired in my father without the pettiness, the autocratic posturing. But the thing is, I always wanted to please that man, and I never could. I try so hard to please you, but there’s this part of me that won’t trust you because you remind me so much of Paul. I try to brush aside those suspicions, but things keep happening, and I take your silence, your omissions, as a direct betrayal. I don’t know how to stop doing that, especially when it seems as if everyone in my life betrays me over and over again.

  “Bonding with Lauren, that really threw me. Of course she’d see the same things in you that I did. She loved Paul. Why wouldn’t she be attracted to someone with the same basic qualities? And now I’m just waiting for you to turn completely into him and ruin everything the way he did.” I clenched my fists until my nails dug into my flesh. “I can’t trust anyone. Every time I try, every time I forgive and tell myself I’m the problem, something else happens, and I have to start all over again. I’m sure you’ve figured all this out by now. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I always have.”

  “Your instincts about Paul were correct,” he told me after I’d all but given up the idea he would respond. “But I’m not Paul Benedict. I’m trying to help the Great Pack, not gather power to myself in the guise of pack protection.”

  “I want to believe that so much.” The moon went behind a cloud again, and the world was shrouded in darkness, but my night vision allowed me to watch the waves upon the sand.

  “I can’t make you believe in me. I can only continue to act in accordance with my conscience and will. You have to make the decision whether your conscience and will are in alignment with mine. Perhaps you’d prefer to simply be a pack member, Alpha someday so you can have a child, content to live the exact sort of life I’m trying so hard to preserve. Or perhaps instead of living that life, you want to dedicate yourself to the idea of it, so others can keep it, and others still to come can have it in their time.

  “That’s your choice. But know that if people like me fail, the life you idealize will cease to exist. There will be war, there will be death, and I am certain our Great Pack will be annihilated at worst, driven into hidden corners at best. Small, scattered packs, people existing always in fear and always on the run. Pack First is a deluded ideal doomed to failure.

  “Perhaps it won’t occur in your lifetime. Perhaps you have just enough time to seize the opportunity to be one of the last of this generation who can have this life. Or, maybe, you’re out of time and it will be ripped from under you anyway, no matter which route you choose. I can’t give you that answer either.”

  He began to walk toward the gravel path that wound its way back to the castle steps. I stood for a moment more and gazed out at the gray lake. It had no answers for me either.

  Murphy never called back that night.

  Chapter 16

  “Thought you might like a drink,” Ryan Kelly pressed a glass of whiskey into my hand and gave me a tentative smile. We were in a small, rectangular chamber off the massive entrance hall of the castle. I sat on the cushions of a window seat overlooking the sweep of the manicured gardens. In the distance to my right I could see the cool gleam of the lake beneath the summer sky.

  It was just after five in the afternoon, and we’d spent a grueling day. I’d delivered my story to Councilor Feehery while Jason arranged travel for one of the European Great Councilors who would join the tribunal.

  We were in the fact-gathering stage. Glenn Murphy and Ryan had just come back from Dublin, where they’d taken Murphy’s statement. They’d gone to him so Murphy could stay by Fee’s side. As an Advisor to the highest-ranking Great Councilor on the tribunal, that should have been my job, but I was also a witness and the accuser, so my role would be somewhat limited.

  I wanted to be allowed to leave once the tribunal got underway, but my hopes were not high.

  Glenn Murphy stood by one of the windows, seemingly lost in his own thoughts, and Ryan’s gaze never strayed far from his still figure.

  Ryan sat beside me with his own tumbler of whiskey. We were waiting for the arrival of the Great Councilor. Whoever he was, he was high enough in ranking that both Councilor Feehery and Jason had accompanied the driver to the airport to greet him.

  I suspected the Councilor was from England and the one Jason had flown overseas with, but I wasn’t sure. Whoever he was, he was no doubt one of the Guardians as well. I only hoped that one day no one would accuse us of railroading Declan Byrne.

  Would anyone do that? The death of an Alpha—no, the murder of an Alpha—was a serious thing. It cut to the heart of everything our society stood for. Even though Declan had not wielded the knife, it could be traced back to him. That was enough to create a debt demanding satisfaction. It would likely be enough to blot out any urge in the minds of Councilors on the tribunal to question the validity of how the proceedings were carried out. Still, it made me uneasy.

  I took a sip of the blisteringly stiff whiskey and suppressed a gag. Whiskey almost always tasted like paint thinner to me. Murphy said it was an acquired taste, but damn, how long would it take? Would Ryan be offended if I tossed it back like a shot? Before I could make up my mind, he said, “I really admire you, Stanzie.”

  Saved by the conversational bell.

  “My mother says Paddy thought the world of you.” When he spoke Paddy’s name we both winced. The dark scent of grief gushed from his pores and clogged my senses. I didn’t want to be premature, but I had begun to believe Ryan Kelly, at least, was not part of the underground movement within the Guardians. However, it didn’t preclude him from being a part of flushing out Declan and Mick.

  “Your mother?” Did I know her? I cast my mind back over everyone I’d met in Mac Tire so far and couldn’t even make an educated guess.

  “Etain,” he supplied when he noted the confusion on my face. “Councilor Feehery. She’s my mother.”

  Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I scrambled for a diplomatic answer. Could I trust him after all? Just because Mac Tire was a large pack, it didn’t make it unlike most packs – full of family connections. Could Etain have set up her own great grandfather and used Jason as bait so they could silence Paddy and move Declan in as Alpha? Maybe Glenn Murphy had orchestrated everything. But why? His pregnant daughter was Alpha, but if Paddy was poised to ruin everything, I guess he would have to strike fast and hard. Everything was so convoluted. Nothing made sense. Now Ryan turned out to be Etain’s son as well as Glenn’s Advisor? What role had he played in this drama? Did he have one or was he as confused as me?

  My head hurt. Maybe Jason’s theory that neither Councilor was involv
ed and it was all a bid for Declan to become Alpha was the correct one. But, again, how did Declan know to tell Mick to find Paddy at the safe house? Or had he? Perhaps Mick had simply followed Paddy there?

  How Mick had gotten past the guard had been explained. He was a member of Mac Tire, and the guard let him in. He hadn’t notified anyone because he’d had no idea Mick was Sorcha’s suspected murderer. Nobody did who wasn’t aware of Pack First and the Guardians.

  “I want to be more than just Alpha someday. First I want to be a Regional Councilor just like Glenn, and then I want to be a Great Councilor like Etain.” Real hero worship colored Ryan’s tone, and a stab of jealousy flooded through me. What was it like to have a parent worthy of such regard? And had she fucked that up by setting up Paddy’s murder?

  “You believe in everything she does?” I asked. Jason would probably have strangled me for being so blunt, but he wasn’t there.

  “About the Guardians, you mean?” Ryan was just as forthright, and I studied him for a moment to try to pinpoint his weaknesses.

  He was very attractive. Thick chestnut hair, sexy five o’clock shadow, soulful brown eyes full of grief and a smoldering anger. He would make a good weapon for someone else’s rhetoric. Just like me. It was a disconcerting thought.

  “What else?” I took another tentative sip of whiskey. Yep, still tasted like paint thinner.

  “I don’t believe we should come out in the open to the Others. I know you don’t.” Ryan’s face was full of passion, and he waved his whiskey glass around for emphasis.

  “How do you know that?” I regarded him steadily, and for a moment confusion washed over his expression.

  “Oh, come off it. You’re bloody Jason Allerton’s top Advisor. He’s the frigging leader of the Guardians. He started them, didn’t he? He wouldn’t have someone from Pack First working for him.”

  Jason had founded the Guardians? He was the leader? Icy prickles of shock jolted down my spine. How could I have been so fucking naive? No wonder he was after the murdering Guardians. They’d betrayed him.