The Lie

by Chad Kultgen

  She said, “Wouldn’t you? Not to toot my own horn, but I’m going to be a literal rocket scientist at some point. And I’m not horrible to look at, right?”

  She turned around and I looked at her. I’d thought Erin was cute from the first time I saw her—a little blonde with a round kind of face that made her look like she was always smiling even when she wasn’t. She probably weighed all of one hundred pounds, and she had really nice legs. She ran three miles a day before class.

  I said, “Not horrible at all.”

  She said, “You know, I don’t have any prospects at the moment either.”

  I said, “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  And at that moment I really had no idea what was about to happen. I guess I was always naive with girls, but Jesus fucking Christ, I probably could have been having sex with Erin a long time before we actually did, which wasn’t that night but was pretty soon after. That night she said, “Well, you’re right. It’s not entirely true. The one guy I kind of liked for a while always had a girlfriend, but I just found out not too long ago that he’s single. So I guess I kind of do have a prospect. But I don’t really know if he likes me.”

  Again, I had no idea at that point that she was even remotely talking about me. I know, I was a fucking idiot.

  I said, “Why don’t you just ask him?”

  She said, “Okay. Do you like me?”

  And I don’t know if it was because it was so late, or because I actually was suffering from some kind of a slight touch of Down syndrome, but I said, “Are you practicing on me, or am I the guy you’re talking about?”

  She said, “You’re the guy, you retard.”

  I said, “Oh, really? Why didn’t you say something sooner?”

  She said, “Uh, you had a girlfriend.”

  I said, “Right.”

  She said, “So…”

  And I thought about it with a little more depth than the occasional times I had jerked off while thinking about Erin. She was smart, pretty funny, very cute, not in a sorority; we shared a lot of similar interests.

  I said, “Yeah, I think I do like you.”

  She smiled and said, “Then I think you’re supposed to kiss me now.”

  I leaned in and kissed her. It started kind of slow. It was a weird experience to kiss Erin for the first time. We had been friends, and friends only, for so long that it seemed strange—not in a bad way. It was just very unexpected and the first few kisses were definitely feeling-out kisses, for me anyway. No tongue, just kind of seeing if this could actually work, and it did.

  After the first few seconds, she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me down on top of her, right there in the molecular genetics lab. Heather had a good body, but not like Erin’s. Erin was strong and athletic, which was something none of my other girlfriends were. Erin’s entire body was tight.

  We made out for fifteen minutes or so that first night and then she said, “Wait. Wait.”

  I pulled back a little and sat down in the chair in front of the table she was lying on.

  She said, “I really do like you. I have for a while now. But I don’t really want our first time to be in the molecular genetics lab. Is that okay?”

  Honestly, I didn’t really want that either. I didn’t know then what would happen between us in the months to come, but I had a feeling there was a possibility for some kind of relationship to happen, and I did want our first time to be a little more special than it was shaping up to be.

  I said, “How about this: Tomorrow night we go out to dinner, like a real date, and take it from there.”

  She said, “Okay,” with her cute little smile.

  I walked her back to her apartment, which was just a few blocks from campus, and we made out a little bit more on her front porch. Then I walked back to McElvaney, passing Heather’s sorority house on the way home. I honestly didn’t even give her a thought.

  chapter eleven

  By the time homecoming came our sophomore year, Brian and I had already been like an actual couple for almost a full month. I guess if I’m being honest, there were a few things I missed about Kyle, but only a few. I missed how good he was in bed and how he really like actually seemed to love going down on me, which Brian didn’t. And I guess every once in a while I missed how he liked to cuddle after sex, which Brian also didn’t. But other than that, Brian was seriously like way better as a boyfriend. I mean just the fact that he was in a frat made it way easier to see him all the time, and I never felt like I was ignoring him like I did with Kyle sometimes, when I had to do Kappa stuff or go to a party that he couldn’t come to.

  For homecoming that year, one of Brian’s friends, another Pike, got his older brother who was some kind of investment banker or something to book a bunch of us a ballroom at the Mansion on Turtle Creek, and then we all got a bunch of rooms too so we could just stay the night there. It was seriously the best party I had ever been to.

  I had never actually been to the Mansion, but I had heard it was supposed to be insane. I mean I knew it was like one of the most expensive hotels in Dallas, but I had no idea how amazing it was. The whole hotel was like in this super-old mansion, which I guess is why it’s called the Mansion. It was so pretty.

  Brian and I got there right on time, like twenty minutes late, so we weren’t the first ones there or anything but we didn’t miss anything. As soon as we got there, we met up with Cam and Brian bought a few hundred dollars worth of coke. I wanted some E, too, but he only got coke, which kind of sucked but it wasn’t that big of a deal. There were two open bars, and with the coke I knew I wouldn’t have any real trouble getting fucked up. I just wished I would have had some E, you know.

  Most of my sisters were at the party. Some of them ended up going to the ATO party instead, but not too many. It was supposed to be insane, too, at the Omni, but I knew Brett would probably be there and I had pretty much avoided him since breaking up with Kyle. I just really didn’t want to talk to him about the whole thing, even though I guess he probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it either. I mean I guess I just kind of put that whole part of my life behind me, and wanted to just focus on Brian and Kappa and move on, you know?

  And also a lot of the guys from Pike were at the party. One guy who was really good friends with Brian, named Josh Paulson, was hammered before we even got there. So when we showed up he came over to us, like seriously barely able to stand up, and he was like, “Dude, some serious fucking skanks up in this bitch. None as hot as your skank, though.”

  Then they fist-pumped each other and Josh walked off. I was like, “Um…thanks? You didn’t even stand up for me.”

  Brian was like, “For real, he was complimenting you. He said you were hot.”

  I was like, “He called me a skank.”

  Brian was like, “That’s just what Josh calls all girls.”

  I was like, “I’m not a skank.”

  Brian was like, “I know.”

  His friend Josh was so gross, and for as long as I’ve known him he’s always hit on me. I was having lunch with some of my sisters on campus and he came up to us and was like, “Heather, good to see you. How’s shit going with my bro?”

  I was like, “Good.”

  He was like, “Well, if things don’t work out and you’re looking for some hog on the side, let me know.” He called his dick a hog. Seriously, he was so gross and for some reason he was way into me.

  For the rest of the party I just danced and hung out with Brian. I talked to a few of my sisters about a party we were going to throw right at the end of the semester and also about rush week, which was only a couple of months away, and just about some other general Kappa things.

  Then the party started winding down and I was seriously excited to see what the room Brian and I had looked like. I mean, I guess I should also say at this point that I was seriously drunk and seriously high. So we went up to our room and it was the nicest hotel room I’ve ever been in in my entire life. I mean, seriously.
>
  It was so nice I wanted to have sex with Brian like immediately, to have like a really awesome memory of the night and everything. So I started taking off his shirt and he was like, “Hold up, babe. I think there might be some people coming by for a little after-party in our room.”

  That was cool with me. I was like, “Oh, cool. Who?”

  He was like, “Just Josh and some people.”

  I was like, “Oh. Whatever.”

  He was like, “Babe, I know you don’t like Josh, but he’s a cool guy. You just have to get used to him, that’s all.”

  I was like, “You know he told me if I wanted to cheat on you with him that I could have his hog.”

  Brian actually laughed and was like, “For real?”

  I was like, “Yeah, for fucking real.”

  Brian was like, “That’s just his way of joking.”

  I was like, “He wasn’t joking. He’s a gross asshole.”

  Brian was like, “Well, he’s my friend and my bro, so you have to find some way to be cool with him from time to time, okay?”

  I was like, “Okay.”

  Then there was a knock on the door and it was Josh, of course, and no one else. Josh was like, “Let’s get this party started pronto,” and he came in with two bottles of this vodka called Diaka or something that was supposed to be like the best in the world and that he said he stole from one of the open bars. And he also had some E, which I really wanted to do but didn’t want to do around him, so I turned him down when he offered.

  For pretty much the rest of the night we sat there, the three of us, watching pay-per-view porn because Josh put it on TV, and we drank. It wasn’t terrible, I guess, but I wished someone else would have shown up like Brian said they were going to.

  At some point I passed out and then was woken up by fucking Josh grabbing my ass. Brian was asleep across the room in a chair so I turned around and was like, “What in the fuck are you doing?”

  Josh said, “Just checking out your goods.”

  I was like, “Get the fuck away from me.”

  He was like, “Sorry. I’m drunk. I’m high. Don’t be pissed. Really, sorry. You’re just super fucking hot and…I’m sorry.”

  It seemed like he really was sorry, and even though Josh was like seriously fucking disgusting I felt kind of bad for being mean to him. I mean it was kind of a compliment that he thought I was so hot he couldn’t keep his hands off me I guess. He left after that and we found out the next morning he never made it to his own room but instead just passed out in the hall in front of our front door, where he also puked.

  I woke Brian up and got him into bed with me and told him the whole story of Josh grabbing my ass while I was sleeping.

  He was like, “That’s just Josh. He didn’t mean anything by it.”

  I was like, “I know. He apologized and I kind of felt bad for getting pissed at him.”

  Brian was like, “I’m sure he’s cool with it if he even remembers anything tomorrow morning. We should fuck.”

  I was like, “Okay.”

  And then he rolled me over and fucked me from behind, not doggy style but like laying on top of me, which is usually one of my favorite positions but it only lasted for like four or five minutes and it was kind of violent, like Brian fucked me a lot harder than normal. The thing I remember most about it was staring at this painting of three birds sitting in a tree that was hanging over the bed. I was too fucked up from the alcohol and the coke to cum, which I knew going into the whole thing, so I was happy to just look at the birds and let Brian get off, which he did right before he passed out.

  chapter twelve

  I was returning from a blood test that was mandatory every three months in order to continue to be a sperm donor the first time I met Erin. Kyle had called me the night prior to tell me that he had a new girlfriend whom he had been exclusive with for the better part of a week. She was his lab partner in a genetics class.

  I can’t say I was happy about the scenario. I had held on to the hope that Kyle would take the breakup with Heather and subsequent fucking of a meaningless slut in one of my guest bedrooms as the first step down a path that would lead him to the ultimate truth about whores. And it seemed to me at that time that he was very simply falling back into his old pattern, having gained no new knowledge from his first mistake, like a child who gets burned by the stove yet reaches to touch it again after the wound has healed.

  Nonetheless, he was my friend and I was interested to meet any slut he chose to call his girlfriend. If she was no different than Heather, I felt fairly certain that I would be able to convince him of their similarity, see the error in his choice, end their relationship, and return him to his exploration of understanding the true nature of sluts with me as his tutor.

  Of course we met at Chick-fil-A, which he claimed was his new girlfriend’s favorite place to eat as well. I was unsure whether this was truth, a lie on her part, or a self-told lie on Kyle’s part. In any case I found myself sitting across from Kyle and a cute blond girl, whom I personally found more attractive than Heather, as I ate nuggets.

  Erin was interested in many of the same things Kyle was, which was a marked improvement from Heather as well. She seemed smarter than most sluts in both common sense and academic intellect, which was a much better match for Kyle than Heather, and she seemed to have a decent sense of humor that complemented her open acceptance of vulgarity in common conversation very well. All in all, upon my first impression, I actually liked this girl. I searched deep and found only a very mild, almost imperceptible desire to ejaculate in her open eyes—usually an overwhelming urge upon my first meeting with any slut. She seemed happy with Kyle and he returned the happiness in kind.

  After lunch I invited them both back to my house. The invitation served a dual purpose for me, the first being the most obvious desire to spend time with my friend, and the second being to gauge Erin’s reaction upon realizing that her boyfriend was best friends with an abundantly wealthy person, a fact she did not indicate being aware of during lunch. I had difficulty deciding if this ignorance of my identity, and of the means that identity afforded me, was genuine or put on for the purpose of disarming me.

  Once at my house, Erin was very complimentary of many of the furnishings and the home itself, but not in the standard manner a regular slut would have been. She lacked the quality in her voice and demeanor that betrayed a secret envy to possess it all herself. Her compliments seemed honest, which was something I’d only witnessed in some of my father’s friends who had amassed fortunes approaching the value of his own, people who were beyond envy because they possessed assets similar in value. I wondered if she was extremely wealthy but reasoned once again that Kyle would have mentioned it if she had been. The only other alternative, one that seemed to be so unlikely it stood on the same ground as the existence of angels and God in my mind, was that she actually had no interest in wealth, in status, in material possessions, et cetera—that she existed with no pretense, with no trace of a lie.

  In the backyard we sat in the enclosed gazebo near the pool because it was too cold to actually sit outside. In all honesty the conversation couldn’t have been more boring for me. It consisted mainly of Kyle and Erin trying to explain the significance of nanotechnology as a technology that, along with robotics and genetics, would replace the current three most important technologies—atomic, chemical, and mechanical. These were things Kyle and I would talk about from time to time, but never in any great depth, and I realized in listening to their conversation that, in much the same way I had always viewed Kyle as being deficient or at least unable to share in one area of our friendship—sluts—I returned the inability to share in something that interested him on the same level. I was surprised at how well they seemed to complement each other, at least in that instance.

  I knew from previous conversations with Kyle that, although he found her more than adequate at sucking dick and fucking, he couldn’t help comparing her to Heather, and in that comparison she
fell short—only slightly, but short nonetheless. It was a shame that had to be the case. It seemed to me that Erin and Kyle had more than just a regular college relationship. They actually appeared to be friends, something I had never bothered to achieve with a girl. And, knowing the nature of men, I knew their relationship was doomed from the beginning. In all ways Erin was Kyle’s perfect woman, but she wasn’t as good as Heather in bed.

  I knew this would be a seed in Kyle’s mind that wouldn’t stop growing until one day he found himself fantasizing about Heather sucking his dick every time Erin had her lips around his cock or fantasizing about fucking Heather every time he found his cock buried in Erin’s cunt. This one thing would ruin his relationship with her.

  After meeting Erin and witnessing how truly happy they seemed together, I held back my prediction of their relationship’s end from Kyle, hoping he would be able to overlook the only flaw he had ever admitted seeing in her. And I wondered what it was about the way Heather fucked that made her better than Erin. Beyond the very well-known errors a slut can make when sucking a man’s dick—by using teeth or not taking as much of the shaft into her mouth as possible—the only thing I could think of was perhaps that Erin offered no enthusiasm when they fucked, that she lay perfectly still, forcing Kyle to do all the work. Or maybe her inexperience made her timid when Kyle favored an aggressive slut. Conjecture aside, the fact remained that as long as Kyle thought Heather was better at fucking, he would never be truly in love with Erin and that would lead to their demise.

  When they left my house I gave their relationship one last thought and truly did want it to last. Then I called a whore I had fucked a few times but only in the ass and invited her over. When she arrived I let her suck my dick and then I fucked her in the pussy for the first time, trying to very accurately rate her on both her fucking and dick-sucking ability. She came in somewhere around a 6.5 on dick-sucking and a 6 on fucking. Those figures might have been arbitrary, but they seemed correct. I let her know where she ranked on my scale and then watched her run out of my house in tears.