Louie closes the few steps that separate us and is in my face before I can even blink. “I dare you to say that again. Go on, Low, say it. Tell me again I’m not your daddy ’cause I’d love to put you across my knee and tan your ass.”
Having him this close to me again after all this time has my heart beating so loud I’d be surprised if he couldn’t hear it. Needing some space I try to back away, but for every step I take backwards he takes one forward.
Dani, bless her fucking heart, must sense that I’m almost to my breaking point with Louie, because she steps forward and pulls his attention off of me and onto her. “Zane is outside getting the kids out of the truck. Go out and help him for me.”
I almost don’t catch it when she says kids. What the fuck does she mean, kids? I know when I left she was pregnant, but did they have another baby while I was gone?
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with sadness thinking about it. Dani and I were becoming really good friends, like sisters almost, before I left. Feeling the gap between us now makes it seem like I’m staring across at her and all her perfection and happiness from the other side of the Grand fucking Canyon.
Louie doesn’t take his eyes off of me, but he does take a step back. Thank God!
Then, after a few tense moments of our stare off, he finally turns toward Dani. “Yeah, sis, I’ll go help with the rugrats,” he says before looking back and pointing at me. “But we ain’t done here and you ain’t leaving.” He doesn’t give me any time to comment before he’s out of the shop within seconds.
“Damn, girl, I thought you had his panties in a twist before you left, or fuck, even after you left he was a mess. But now. Shit, girl, he’s off the rocker completely.” She ends on a laugh, but I don’t see how she can think this is funny. I’m feeling completely fucked up the ass where Louie is concerned.
There’s no time for me to even come up with a response to what Dani just said before the door to the shop opens and two small children come barreling into the shop. Louie isn’t far behind—chasing them, playfully yelling at them, picking them up and tickling them. The children, who I can tell just by their looks belong to Dani and Blaze, are laughing and loving every minute of Louie’s attention. Watching him with these children almost softens me up enough to break out into a small smile, but it never comes. You’re broken, remember? Broken girls can’t smile or feel happiness.
Coming in more leisurely behind Louie, is Blaze. He has a huge smile on his face watching his children playing around and laughing. Even though it’s been years since I last saw Blaze, I can notice a difference in him. He’s not as hard, it seems. Before, he was always scowling or seeming pissed off about something. Dani and he were fighting more often than not. But looking at him now, he looks younger, happier. It’s a good look on him.
Actually, come to think of it, Dani seems different as well. She seems to have had the same changes as Blaze; she doesn’t look as hard or pissed at the world all the time now. People say that having kids ages you, but she looks younger too, just like her man. She doesn’t seem like she’s got a shield up anymore, as if she’s waiting for something bad to happen. I’m glad she’s happy and things seem to be going good for her now. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s Dani. She’s been through hell. It’s about time she’s got her piece of heaven. I just wish I could have a little slice as well. Too bad that will never happen.
Louie has changed since I last saw him too, though not the same ways as Dani and Blaze. He’s harder and more guarded than he was before, which is saying something. Louie was always rough around the edges, and had this hardness that seemed almost demonic at times. But now…now there is only anger inside him. His shoulders are stiff and he has this coldness in his eyes. I don’t know if this is just the way he is now, or if it’s because of me, but going by what Dani said just a few moments ago, this is how it’s been for a while now. Since I left. Too bad I can’t find it in myself to care. Not as much as I probably should, anyway.
“Well, Harlow and I have a lot to catch up on. We’ll be in my office,” Dani says as she grabs my arm and hauls me off behind her. I catch a warning look from Louie, but I’m not really sure what he’s warning me about. Not to leave again? Well, he can kiss my ass. I’ll leave if I want to, but I do really want to catch up with Dani, at least on her life since I’ve left. I don’t want to get into anything that I’ve been doing since then. I don’t want to talk about the pain. The anger. Where I’ve been all this time.
Once we’re in her office, she sits right down and waits till I’m sitting before she starts right in with telling me about what I’ve missed. Everything from her pregnancy, the birth, milestones from her kids, things about her and Blaze, and how Toby is now married. That is actually a little hard for me to believe. I mean, I knew Dani was pregnant when I left, so her telling me about that isn’t much of a surprise, although her having twins caught me a little off guard. But Toby married? Never thought that would happen.
After she’s done filling me in on all I missed, she sits there and just stares at me, probably waiting for me to tell her about me and what I’ve been up to. When I don’t say anything for a few minutes, Dani sighs.
“I won’t make you tell me where you were or why you haven’t called or anything in two years. I won’t ask what happened, but I will ask this. Are you leaving again or are you going to stick around?” Dani says.
It shouldn’t surprise me how forward she is, but it does. I’ve been away from Dani way too long and need to work back into the fact that she’s not afraid to say what she thinks. Though I am happy she isn’t going to push me, I have no idea how to answer her one question. Am I sticking around?
Dani must see my indecision, because she asks, “Why did you come back, Low? I mean, it’s not like I’m unhappy about it, but you seem like you want to run out of here right this second and never look back. So it just makes me wonder…why come back in the first place?”
And that, my friends, is the question of the hour. Why come back? Knowing I owe her something, I decide to just tell her the truth.
“I honestly have no idea why I’m back, Dani. I don’t even know if I made the conscious decision to make my way back here, it just sort of happened,” I whisper, feeling more confused now than ever.
I figured I would come back at some point in time after I left, but once I got where I was going and found out what called me back home, I just sort of lost myself and everything I once thought was just thrown in the trash. I no longer cared about anything, even myself. I became a drifter, going from one town to the next, just trying to stay afloat as much as possible.
“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Dani. I know deep down this is where I belong, this is my home, but at the same time, it’s like there’s this voice inside my head telling me that I should run and never looks back.” I don’t even realize I’ve said those words out loud until I feel Dani sit beside me and pull me into a hug.
“This is your home, Harlow, and you do belong here. I don’t know what happened, but I’m here for you. We’re all here for you,” she says as she holds me, rocking me back and I start to feel angry again. Angry at her and this perfect life she has. Angry that she thinks this is my home and they are there for me. But I don’t need them. None of them.
***
It’s been two weeks since I’ve been back and every day is worse than the last. I feel like I’m a caged animal, like my skin is itching and I can’t shake it. No matter where I’m at, who is with me, I feel alone and crowded at the same time. I can’t stand it! I just want to call a cab and get the fuck outta Dodge, but somehow Dani convinced me to stay. At least for a little while.
I’ve been staying in the apartment above the shop again, but it no longer feels like home. It feels like a prison cell.
Everyone has been good to me since I’ve been back—too good. Dani seems to pick our friendship up where we left it before my life was shattered. Louie has tried to pick our friendship up, but there’s this hidden anger toward
me with him too. Blaze barely notices me, but that’s nothing new. Toby is too consumed with his new wife, who seems shy and unsure around me, not like I blame her. I can tell that Sara and I would have been good friends if I would have met her before I got the life changing news and left. She’s quiet, but she also has this inner fire to her. Kind of like Dani did, but it’s not as subtle or as intense as Dani’s. And Mack and the other guys in the club have tried to talk to me, ask how I’m doing, and include me in things, but it seems forced. Or maybe it’s me that is feeling forced.
It’s so strange. Deep down, I know I care about these people. But since I’ve been back, I feel this deep-seated hatred and jealousy toward them. They have everything I want but don’t have. And will never have. Sure, they say they love me and that I’m their family, but I’m not. My family, my blood family, is gone. I have nothing and no one. I have me, that’s it. And sometimes, I don’t even feel like I have that. It’s fucked up and the joke’s on me.
Everything and everyone is getting to me. I hate how Louie hovers, I hate how everyone pretends like nothing happened, I hate how close everyone is, but I especially hate how much I hate myself and the life I have. I just wish it would all go away. I just want to fade into the background and not be anywhere anymore.
The bell over the shop door brings me out of my thoughts. I’ve been working a few hours here and there at the shop, doing my old job, but I have to share my hours and duties with Sara. It bothers me more than I know it should, but it’s like I’ve been replaced by Sara. And I hate her for it.
“Hey, Low, how are you doing?” Sara asks in her happy, sing-song voice. How the fuck can anyone be that happy? I mean, really.
“Fine,” I say, hoping she moves the fuck on fast instead of trying to talk to me more.
“Okay then, well, good. Maybe I won’t have such a busy night then and I can get that inventory done for Dani,” she says with a smile.
Her statement has me looking up at her in confusion. “You’re here to work?” I ask in an angry voice, though I do try to hide it. Okay, that’s a lie. I don’t care if she sees it.
Why can’t she just back off now that I’m back? I mean, it’s not like she really needs to work since she has Toby to take care of her. Me, I have no one to spend my spare time with or a man to support me. Not like I’d want that, but still. She has everything, while I have nothing. Zilch. Zero. Diddly-fucking-squat.
“Oh, ah, yeah, I thought it was my night to work,” she starts, and by the ongoing look of anger on my face, she starts to back up and stutter. “B-but, ah, i-if you would r-rather work it, t-that’s, I’m mean, I’m g-good with that. I can just go home.”
Standing up too fast that the chair practically slams into the wall behind me, I grab my things. “Forget it. I’ll just grab my shit and be gone,” I say with venom that shouldn’t be directed at her, but it is. And she can sense it considering she looks like she could cry.
If I had a heart, I’d care that I hurt her feelings. But it’s dead. Like everything else in my life.
Just then, Louie walks in the room and takes one look at Sara and rushes over. “Sar-Bear, you all right? What happened?” he asks, crouching a little so he can look her in the eyes, then glances over at me with a look of anger of his own.
“We got a problem here?” he grits out.
I don’t wait for Sara to comment, I just stand up and grab my things. “Nope, no problem, boss. Sara here is my replacement; in all areas, it seems.”
I hear Sara’s breath hitch and can practically feel the anger and frustration coming off of Louie in waves, but I ignore it all and walk right out the front door. No sense in going up to the apartment, it’s not mine anyway. It was once Dani’s before she found purpose and people to love her and take care of her. Then it was Sara’s, until she found the same thing. But it was never mine, and never will be.
Hailing a cab, I jump in and tell the driver to just drive, but don’t miss seeing Louie out of the corner of my eye storm out of the shop and rush over to the cab right before we drive away.
I should just have him take me to the nearest bus station or drive until he’s out of gas, but I know I won’t do that. What can I say, I’m a glutton for punishment. I live for the pain, it seems. Not like there is anything else in this life to live for. At least being here, I can make people feel some of the pain and anger I feel daily. It’s the little things, right?
Chapter 5
Louie
I have no idea what is going through Harlow’s fucking head anymore. Sometimes, it seems like she’s her old self again, smiling and talking with Dani and I, and then it’s like someone hits a switch and she turns into this raging bitch who couldn’t care less about the people around her. The people who fucking care about her, who are there for her if she would just give us the chance, if she would just talk to us and tell us what happened to her. We all know something happened, there was a reason why she left in the first place, but there’s more.
And that shit that she just pulled with Sara is whacked. She’s fucking lucky Toby wasn’t here to see how Harlow just treated her. Granted, I know she must feel weird around Sara, not knowing her and all, and I’m sure it’s an adjustment to be back and have to share a job that was solely hers in the first place, but what the hell does she expect? She’s the one that fucking up and left without so much as a “fuck you” or “kiss my ass.” Doesn’t she know that if she would have just told us why she had to leave or what was going on, that we would have stood beside her every step of the way? That we would have helped her?
“Did I do something wrong?” Sara whispers almost to herself.
Walking up to her, I pull her into a hug. She’s been through so much, she’s been hurt so badly, and it kills me to know that I was one of the people who did that to her. I may not have been the worst or the main cause of her pain, but I was a part of it. The things I said, how I acted, I know it cut her deep. But I’d also like to think that we’ve come a long way since then too. She’s one of my best friends now, like a sister to me.
“No. You didn’t do anything wrong. Harlow is just in a bad place right now. She’s hurting and the only thing that probably makes her feel even a sliver better, is to make others feel as miserable as she does. I’m sorry she acted that way toward you, Sara, but I promise, she didn’t mean it personally,” I say as I hold her, hoping I’m not telling a lie.
I shouldn’t promise that, especially since I have no idea what is going through Harlow’s head right now, but deep down, I know Harlow doesn’t mean anything by it. She really is just in pain and she’s acting out. Fuck, I know that feeling better than most. I lived it. Breathed it for the longest time. I just need to bring her out of it, get her to talk to me, tell me what’s going on or what happened. I can help her, I know I can. She just has to let me.
“Do you love her?” Sara asks as she pulls back and looks me in the eyes with tears in hers.
Her question throws me off for a minute. Love? Do I love Harlow? No, I don’t think so. I care about her and feel for her what I’ve never felt for anyone, even Dani, but I don’t love her. You can’t love someone who isn’t around, someone who leaves you and hurts you in ways that you can’t even describe.
Sara must see my thoughts painted all over my face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”
She tries to pull away, but instead, I pull her into one last hug. “You never have to apologize to me, Sar-Bear. It’s just, before she left, things were good. Like, real good. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t alone in this world anymore. I mean, I know I have the club and all my brothers, and Dani even, but sometimes, I still felt alone. But when she started working here, it was like none of that mattered, or maybe all those feelings just disappeared, I don’t know. But then things got complicated, and before I could figure it out or fix it, she left. She just walked away from all of us, with just a note saying she didn’t know if or when she’d be back. No explanations, no goodbyes. Just gone.”
; I think back to the way it made me feel when I saw that note. I remember thinking that it was no big deal, that maybe she just needed some time and would be back. Maybe not the next day or the next week, but she’d be back soon. But soon never came.
“And now she’s back and instead of feeling like all is right in the world, I feel like there’s still this dark hole inside me. What if what I was feeling before she left wasn’t real? What if it was just a cover? And this, this feeling of darkness, is the real me? I’ve always been dark, and when she was here, it was like I finally had this light shined on me. I’m sure you’ve heard all about Dani and me, and even if you didn’t, there’s no need to rehash it now, but I didn’t even feel that way with her. So, what if that light, that good feeling I had, was just a joke…a lie? I mean, if it wasn’t, shouldn’t I have that light back now that Harlow is here again?”
I hate having all these questions, all these unanswered what ifs or whys. I’ve never been the type of guy to question things or feelings. I just went with what I was feeling and let it take hold of me. But now…now I just feel lost. And angry.
Shaking my head of those thoughts, I look back at Sara. “So you asked if I loved Harlow. She’s inside of me, that’s for sure, but it’s not love.”
***
It’s been a week of pure hell. Things have not gotten better with Harlow; they are getting worse it seems like every second of every day. It’s feels like a race to see who the fuck is gonna snap first: me, Dani, Blaze, Toby, or Harlow. Everyone is at their breaking point. Me, because I have no idea what the fuck is going on with her and I’m pissed that she’s keeping me out. She barely even fucking talks to me these days, unless it’s one word answers, and even then you can tell she’d rather cut her own tongue out if it meant she wouldn’t have to talk to me. And let’s not forget the anger that never used to be there. She’s venomous to everyone around her, even the customers. I can’t figure out what happened to make her this way.
Defying Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC #3) Page 5
