Defying Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC #3)

by Shelly Morgan

  I swear, if I could shoot fire out of my mouth or lasers out of my eyes, I would have, that’s how fucking heated and pissed I am, though I’m taking it out on the wrong person. I know that—God, do I fucking know that, but it doesn’t stop me.

  “He was always my rock, my every-fucking-thing. He told me that I was better than this and to not throw my life away on any man. Not unless he deserved me. Hendrix always thought I was a good girl, and that no one would ever be worthy of me. But you know what? I’m the one who isn’t worthy and I did give it all away. I threw it all away for you. You! And because of that, I’m being punished. Because of that, he’s gone.”

  My breathing is rapid and my heart is racing so fast, you probably can’t even hear the separate beats anymore. It would sound like one long, loud beat that goes on forever.

  I can feel myself getting lightheaded and almost sick to my stomach thinking about what happened, but now I can’t stop. I can’t stop seeing his face, hearing his voice telling me I fucked up, and the last time I saw him and the vacant look in his eyes. He’s gone and I can’t fucking stand it, it hurts so bad it burns me from the inside out. Burns me with rage and despair.

  In my head, I see his face, and I can hear his laugh. He was so full of life and love for me. But it’s all gone. I’ll never see his smile or be able to listen to him tell me he loves me. I’ll never have the opportunity to hug him or tell him how much I love him or how much he meant to me. He’s just gone.

  I feel tears running down my face and it’s all too much. I can’t handle this. I just want it all to go away—the anger, the guilt, and the pain.

  Suddenly, Louie grabs my shoulders and shakes me—literally shakes me. “Harlow, what the fuck are you talking about?”

  There’s a hard edge to his voice and I let it fuel my rage. I let it breath inside of me to allow me to tell him what happened.

  “He’s dead,” I yell. “He’s gone and it’s all your fault!”

  I start to hit his chest with my fists, doing everything in my power to take it out on him. And he lets me.

  He’s the one who made me feel like I was worthy and that the feelings I felt for him were real. He’s the one who I wanted to give myself to and I wanted it. I wanted it! But all it left me with was emptiness. It left me alone.

  And I start to break inside. The pieces of concrete around my emotions start to falter that allows the tears to fall.

  Louie sees I’m breaking, and just when I think there will be nothing left of me, he wraps his strong arms around me and holds me together. But it’s so much more than just holding me together—it’s like he’s mending what’s broken, little by little, just by holding me.

  “He’s dead,” I say on a broken whisper.

  Instead of letting me go, shocked and uncertain, he continues to hold me, rubbing my back. “Who, Harlow?” he whispers back.

  Without thinking, I just let it all out. “My brother. My twin brother. That’s why I left. He’s dead.”

  There was a part of me that thought after saying the words out loud, the pain would go away. That it would help me to finally start healing, but it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse.

  Louie pulls back far enough so he can look down at me, but I can’t look at him. It will just add to the whirlwind of feelings that are tearing their way through my body. If I look at him, I’ll be pushed over the ledge and I don’t think I’ll be able to come back from that.

  “What happened?” he asks after a silent moment.

  His question forces me to finally look into his eyes. I see nothing but concern and pity, which pours more fuel on my anger. I don’t need his fucking pity. I don’t need anything from him!

  “You know what? I’m not doing this. Not with you, not with anyone,” I say, then struggle to release myself from his tight hold, but it’s no use. “Let me go!” I yell.

  “No. You’re going to tell me what happened. You need to let it out, Harlow. Keeping it all bottled up inside isn’t helping you. It will fester and boil until there’s nothing left. Do you understand me? There will be nothing left of you! And I won’t fucking let that happen.”

  “Why the fuck do you care so much about what happens to me? You have it all—you have the friends, the family, and the job. You have everything!” I spit, suddenly not only angry at my brother for what he did, but at Louie, at the world. For everything they could ever dream of having while I’m left with nothing.

  Louie shakes me again, this time hard enough that I can feel my teeth clash together. “I care because it’s you! I care because I can’t stand to see you in pain. And I can’t go another day without you in my life. Before you left, I finally felt like I did have everything. I felt I had that because of you. It didn’t matter if I had the club or my job, it only mattered that I got to see you every day. That I got to talk to you and make you laugh that beautiful laugh. And it only mattered when I had you in my arms. It killed me when you left. I had no idea where you were or when you’d be back, or if you even would come back. I didn’t know if it was because of me or if something happened. I died inside the day you left. Can’t you see? You matter. You mean more to me than anything has in a very long time.”

  His words break through the fog of anger and penetrate my shattered heart. They soothe my soul all at the same time. How is that? How can he just look at me and say a few meaningful words and make it seem like my world isn’t dark anymore? That my life isn’t over?

  I hit a breaking point, but it’s not the type of breaking point I once feared. This is something I never thought could happen. It feels like an outer shell has been cracked and is finally tumbling down, and what’s left inside is able to finally breathe after so long without air. I feel raw, but it feels sort of good. Like, if you’ve ever broken your arm or your leg and had to wear a cast for weeks, and then when it finally gets taken off your limb can breathe.

  After everything that’s happened in the past hour, I no longer have any strength left. My legs give out, but I don’t fall. Instead, Louie slowly lowers us both to the ground, with me cradled in his lap. He just holds me and rocks me back and forth, whispering over and over again that he’s got me and that he’s not going anywhere. He has no idea what that last sentence does to me, what it means to me, especially now.

  We sit there forever it seems, but when he finally stands with me still cocooned in his arms, I feel like not only is he lifting me, he’s lifting this weight that has weighed me down for so long. It makes me feel so free, that my eyelids start to close and sleep starts to take hold of me, but this time, I welcome it.

  Before I completely surrender to my sleep-deprived body, I let the words finally leave my mouth. Words that will hopefully free me for good.

  “He killed himself.”

  Chapter 7

  Louie

  Looking down, I see that Harlow is out like a light. I have no doubt that going through everything she did tonight took a lot out of her, but I’d also guess that she hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep since her brother died. No, since he killed himself.

  I’ve never known anyone who has been in a place who has either tried to or has committed suicide. I haven’t even known someone who knew someone who had that happen to someone they care about—until Harlow.

  I can’t imagine what she went through and how she must have felt. And fuck—the past two years having all that hate and anger inside. The only thing I can compare it to is the anger I felt when my dad died. Though, he didn’t just die either—he was taken. He was murdered in cold blood.

  Thinking about it still has that thing inside of me roaring and begging to come out. Each of us had someone taken from us, and neither were an accident—though my father didn’t choose to leave, where her brother did. That must burn her. She must have asked herself a million times “Why?” And from what it sounds like, she didn’t have anyone else. Her brother was all she had. So when she found out, she was alone to deal with it. Utterly and completely alone. At least when my father was murdered, I ha
d Mack to keep me together somewhat.

  I don’t know her whole story. Shit, I didn’t even know she had a brother, but from what she said, I think it’d be a pretty fair statement that she doesn’t have any other family.

  It cuts me deep that she never considered me, Dani, and my brothers her family, though. Since the day she started working at the shop, she became a part of us, just like Dani said. And even if she didn’t believe that then, what about when she and I got closer? Why didn’t she come to me, at least? You know why, dipshit. She thought her brother dying was punishment for her fucking you.

  There’s no point trying to figure out what she was thinking or wonder why she felt she couldn’t come back right now. She’s sleeping. She needs her rest, and then tomorrow I can get the answer I need. Maybe she’ll get the answers she needs too.

  Not wanting to wake her up, I decide that I’ll just carry her back to the shop. She’s been staying in the upstairs apartment, and I’m sure Dani is still at the shop. She’ll have a spare key and can let us in. Then, I can lay her down and keep watch over her.

  If she thinks for one minute I’m leaving her side and letting her go through this alone, she’s wrong. One thing I remember more than anything else is when my dad died, Mack was always there for me. Even when I didn’t want him to be. He may not have hovered, but he made sure that I knew he was there for anything I needed—even giving me the choice and opportunity to kill the bastard responsible for my dad’s death.

  It takes me a little longer to walk back to the shop, but I wanted to walk at a slower pace as to not jostle Harlow around and wake her up.

  When I walk in front of the door, I look in and see Dani already rushing toward us.

  Before she opens the door, she must realize that Harlow isn’t hurt, but sleeping because she slows her pace marginally and removes the bell from above the door before opening it so the noise doesn’t wake her.

  “What happened? Is she all right?” Dani whispers, but I can hear the worry in her voice. And I know Dani, when she’s worried, she better have an answer quick, because regardless if Harlow is sleeping, she’ll wake her ass up, poking and prodding her to make sure she’s all right.

  “She’s fine, just sleeping. Can you get the door to her apartment so I can lay her down?” I whisper back quickly. I know after I lay Harlow down, Dani will be relentless until I tell her what happened. You learn pretty fast that when it comes to Dani, you don’t really have a choice in matters. What she wants, she’d better get or there will be hell to pay.

  Dani nods and I follow her inside as she grabs the spare key. Then, I follow her out the back door and up the steps. She quietly opens the door but before going up, she turns to look over her shoulder. “Don’t think that you’re getting out of explaining. I expect answers as soon as you put our girl in bed.” She doesn’t wait for a reply because she doesn’t need one. Like I said, you better give her what she wants.

  While I head into the bedroom to lay Harlow down, Dani waits in the living room. I’m glad for that because if she saw me taking my sweet ass time making sure Harlow was lying in a comfortable position, made sure she was covered up, and then just stared at her sleeping peacefully for a minute, she would have slapped me upside the head and probably pulled me out of the room by my ear. Okay, that may be over exaggerating a little, but maybe not. This is Dani we’re talking about.

  By the time I turn the light off and close the door behind me, Dani is already pacing and biting her fingernails. That’s a new habit she picked up after the kids were born, though I can’t say I blame her. If I had kids, I’d probably have to do something extreme to get my frustrations and nervousness out too. Nail biting is a safe way to do that I guess.

  When she finally notices me, she storms over. “What happened?”

  I don’t want to give too much away, knowing Harlow wouldn’t want that. If she wants Dani to know the specifics, she’ll tell her in her own time.

  “I can’t tell you everything, but she finally got some things out about what happened while she was away. I think she’s going to be fine now, but we need to be there for her. She’s gonna need us now more than ever.” I pray that she doesn’t push me because it will just turn into a fight and Harlow needs her rest, not be woken up by Dani and I arguing.

  Dani’s quiet for a moment. I know it’s not what she wants—she wants to know specifically what happened, in detail—but I’m hoping she’ll take it for what it’s worth. Harlow opened up and that was the first step. Now, all we can do is be there for her if she needs us and let her set the pace.

  I can see tears gather in Dani’s eyes. She’s still fucking badass for a chick, but now she’s okay with showing her emotions. She no longer holds everything inside or puts on a show as if nothing fazes her. I’m actually relieved to see her this way.

  “I just want our girl back—for good. If that means I have to wait until she comes to me with this whenever she’s ready, then I’m okay with that. I’m just glad she told someone because I could tell something happened, and it was eating away at her.”

  I know what she means, but I think after tonight things will be better. Harlow still has a long way to go, but this is a new beginning, maybe for both of us. God knows I couldn’t handle it if she walked away from me again. I don’t know if I love her, but I know I care a lot for her and I want her to be happy. And that I need her in my life.

  “That’s all we can do. We just have to be there for her and show her we aren’t going away, no matter what happens. She may lash out and tell us she doesn’t need us, but she does. And when she’s ready, she’ll talk to you, I know she will.” I pull Dani in for a hug because I know this must be tearing her up inside. When Harlow and Sara came into her life, she finally found a connection I think she desperately needed. Sure, she has the boys and was happy, but there’s something about having another female companion that is so much better. But what the fuck do I know, I’m a dude, but that’s the way it seems to me.

  “Why don’t you head on home to your man and your little ones? Lord knows I’m sure Blaze is chomping at the bit because you aren’t home yet,” I say with a laugh. Blaze has loosened up quite a bit and even though they don’t fight as much anymore, he’s still very protective and domineering when it comes to Dani.

  She laughs and wipes a single tear that escaped her eye. “Yeah, I bet he is, but I’m sure a little strip tease will have him forget his worry real quick,” she says with a wink.

  Shaking my head, I gently push her toward the door. “I did not need to know that. Get outta here before I call Blaze and have him come carry your ass outta here caveman style.”

  Laughing, she moves her eyebrows up and down. “Don’t tease me with a good time. You know I love it when my man goes caveman on me.”

  “Get the fuck out, woman. You’re too much.”

  When she reaches the door, she turns around to face me and all the humor has left her face. “I know sometimes you don’t think it, but you are a good man, Louie. Harlow will come around, and when she does, she’ll know it again too. You’re good for each other, so don’t push her away, yeah?”

  Her words give me pause because there are so many times that I don’t feel like a good man—I feel like Lucifer himself. I know I tend to push people away when things get rough, but I’m hoping that this time I can change that. Maybe since I now know what it’s like not to have Harlow in my life, it will help stop me from pushing her away.

  Nodding, I give her a small smile to let her know I hear her and will do my best.

  “Night, Louie,” Dani says, and then she shuts the door quietly behind her.

  Letting out a long breath, trying to release the stress of the day, I walk back toward the bedroom. Harlow is still sound asleep and doesn’t seem to have moved even an inch.

  Stripping off my shirt and boots, I gently climb into bed beside her. I’m not one hundred percent sure this is a good idea, but I can’t seem to care. I need to feel her next to me, know that she’s really h
ere, and that she’s not going away.

  In her sleep, she rolls over and snuggles up right next to me. Fuck, I’ve missed her. Not only like this, but everything about the way we used to be. She came into my life when things were difficult with Dani, and even though we got past it and I could never replace the friendship we have, Harlow was like a soothing balm on my soul. She became my best friend.

  Closing my eyes, I fall into a deep sleep with a smile on my face. Things are going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it.

  ***

  I don’t know what time it is, but it feels like I just closed my eyes when I feel Harlow sit up suddenly before she starts sobbing so loud I can literally feel my heart break with every sound of pain that escapes her lips. Sitting up with her, I pull her into my arms and start to rock her.

  “Shh, it’s okay, baby, I’m here. I’ve got you,” I say in a soothing tone.

  We sit like that for a while—me rocking her and whispering words of assurance and her crying—until she finally settles down enough to speak.

  “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t m-mean to wake you,” she stutters around a few errant tears.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for,” I tell her. I know she still has a long, hard road ahead of her, and she doesn’t need to add to that. Plus, I’m glad I was here for her when she needed me. It makes me wonder how many nights she’s awoken like this and no one was there to hold her and tell her it would be all right. At least, I don’t think anyone was with her. Thinking of her in the arms of another man has my jaw clenching and a red haze drifting into my sight, but I tamp that shit down. She doesn’t need me questioning her right now or going on a rampage of misplaced jealousy.