Compounding Traumas (Artemis University Book 6)

by Erin R Flynn

  I nodded I heard him and stepped away. I couldn’t answer that for him, and not because he should figure it out on his own… But because I didn’t know the damn answers either.

  I really fucking wished I did.

  We were almost to the portal when Mel stopped me, nodding for the others to start going through. “I have one thing I need to say, and I’ll go back to quietly supporting you however you need.”

  “Okay,” I sighed, thinking that was fair, and she had been really great at keeping her opinions on this to herself… Something practically unheard of for Mel.

  “I’m rooting for you to forgive Darby and take him back.”

  Well that was not what I had expected, and I wondered if my jaw had touched the actual ground, or it simply felt like it.

  She nodded after giving me a few moments with that. “I am.”

  “I figured you would push for Hudson,” I admitted.

  She looked away, but not before I saw she wanted that too. “I can’t be objective on that. I love you both. I was there when he was born. It’s in my family’s DNA to do what’s best for the Vogels, and you are what’s best for him. But I love you too, and I don’t know he’s best for you. Darby is though.”

  “I can’t—”

  “Let me finish, because you’ve been ignoring stuff that you need to know to make the right decision.” She waited until I nodded. “He will blow his entire family apart when the chips land. It’s not just his dad and grandfather, but his brother. His uncles were part of it, any male Moore was groomed to be part of it. He fell apart and went on a bender after he learned that’s part of why there aren’t many Moores.”

  My eyes went wide, understanding she meant some fairies had won when they’d tried to abduct them, killing members of his family.

  She swallowed loudly. “Yeah, it wasn’t his grandfather or dad going rogue. It’s deep—sick—but deep in his bloodline. He’s convinced his grandma and mom had to know and… It’s been bad, but he’s doing it because it’s right. Yes, it’s because he loves you, but I absolutely believe he would have done this, even if he’d never met you. So do my cousins.”

  “That’s a lot to try and get over,” I rasped, my heart aching for him.

  “Yes, but he’s desperate for you guys to get over it together and heal.” She sighed when I simply bobbed my head. “There’s more to what he thought his family did. You should hear it from his lips, but my mom called me a few months ago when he was drunker than shit and blabbing all about it. I get taking a break and both of you trying to process and heal separately, but I think you need to at least talk to him.”

  I swallowed loudly. “Would you forgive him? Could you move forward with him? Really? We both lied and—”

  “Yes and yes,” she cut in, her tone firm.

  Shock rocked me. “How? Why?”

  “You both lied—though I’m not sure his was a lie, as he truly had no idea it was about fairies—to protect yourselves. And you weren’t at the stage of your relationship to tell all your secrets. That’s normal, Tams. You were going through something completely normal where you found out something bad about your partner you didn’t like. It’s just what it was, and how much it hurt you, that was so abnormal.”

  “I’ll think about it. I will, I promise. I might—he really went on a bender?”

  “Yeah, bad. He loves you with his soul, just like you do him. It’s killing him to lose you.”

  I glanced at her, not sure I had felt that deeply about him. Yes, I knew I had loved him, but I wasn’t sure it was that deep.

  Like it had been with Craftsman. I opened my mouth to ask about that, but I didn’t get the chance, Mel always able to tell where my head was.

  “No, I wouldn’t forgive Craftsman.” She frowned. “Yet. I think he can do what he needs to so you can, but right now, I’d push him off a cliff instead of pushing him towards you.”

  Okay then. Glad she was clear, as that actually helped.

  8

  The next morning I headed out for my run to get into my back-on-campus routine… Only to find someone ready to join me.

  Besides one of my guards.

  The funny part? I had half expected Lucca, since he used to run with me in bear form. It was our thing, and I had wondered if he would try, knowing I found his bear irresistible. But no, it wasn’t Lucca.

  It was Craftsman.

  He was standing there looking sexy as fuck in a tank top and basketball shorts, stretching as if passing the time. He froze when I came out, Zack walking around the building—since he knew the time I had planned on—and sighed as he realized we had an extra party.

  Yeah, I wanted to sigh too, but I went another way.

  I glanced down at my iPhone and changed from the playlist I was about to start to Lady A’s “All For Love.” I took off at my warm-up jog and kept his gaze as I sang the first half, the guy’s part where he was saying walking away—no matter the reason—is never about love.

  Craftsman flinched, clearly knowing the song, and fell in step with me, even as I kept singing. My warm-up was done after that minute or so, and I picked up the pace to my new routine I’d been on all summer.

  Which was way faster than he was used to last year. He had no chance of keeping up and sure enough, he was left in my dust, Zack’s amusement making me feel like I wasn’t being petty.

  My phone beeped with a message from a number I didn’t know. I frowned and checked it, wondering how anyone had gotten the number since it was unlisted and protected from all the bullshit robocaller lists.

  Curiosity won out when I saw it was a link to YouTube and tapped it. My eyes went wide when it was Lady A’s “Need You Now.”

  “Oh, he’s good,” Zack bitched from my left.

  I glanced at him and nodded, understanding what was going on. Craftsman had either changed his phone or gotten a burner just to talk to me because I’d blocked his number. Too bad it hadn’t been months and months ago, or when I’d been desperate to hear from him.

  Still, I listened to the song, the words gorgeous, but the message not doing a damn thing.

  “Two can play this game,” I grumbled. I sent him the link to Kameron Marlowe’s “Giving You Up.” It was perfect, talking about how his partner walked away, and it changed him for the better, making him someone who would never accept her back.

  Perfectly applicable.

  It was a few minutes later, the next message came, making me think he’d actually listened to the song. I almost smiled when it was a link to Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time.” I watched it and burst out laughing.

  “What?” Zack asked when I had to stop.

  “My mind is a scary place.”

  He snorted. “Not just yours, but what’s so funny?”

  “I’m having a flash of him in this outfit Cher’s wearing, strutting around on a destroyer in heels with cheering sailors.”

  Zack blinked at me, and his loud laugh echoed in the quiet forest.

  Yeah, I was special. I responded with Avril Lavigne’s “Let Me Go.”

  “Wait, doesn’t she change the words at the end to ‘don’t let me go?’”

  “Shit,” I groaned, but then shook my head. “It’s not literal.”

  “Still, might be time not to keep playing, as it seems like you’re open to him trying,” he suggested.

  Fair enough. Part of me wanted to let Craftsman try. I missed him—all of them. Blocking them, cutting myself off from them, had killed part of my soul. All I had wanted was for things to work out with two of them, things maybe progressing with one, and… I honestly didn’t know what I had wanted with Lucca, but he had mattered to me more than I’d wanted to admit.

  I sniffled, wiping away errant tears as I realized maybe that was a subconscious slip, as I had been so desperate for Craftsman to not let me go, and maybe I still was. Maybe I wanted him to fight for me even after he had abandoned me.

  Oh fuck it, I didn’t know what I wanted. Especially when I caved and clicked on what c
ame in next.

  Bryan Adams’s “Please Forgive Me.” The tears came freely as I picked up the pace, as the ballad talked about the intensity of their love and how the physical was so much more than physical. We had had that. I had felt that with Craftsman. He was the man who showed me that making love wasn’t simply words, but something that changed a person.

  “I hate him,” I rasped as I ran faster.

  After I finished the obstacle courses and was heading back, he sent me a message with a link to Adele’s “Hello.” It was another apology song, and I was seconds from demanding if he’d looked up a list or something.

  Zack snagged my phone after I’d listened to the song and pulled something up, handing it back.

  I gave him a quick glance and saw he was smirking. Oh good.

  And it was. He gave me great ammo. There were many reasons I liked him and his cousin after all.

  Craftsman came into view, and I restarted the song Zack had opened, singing One Republic’s “Apologize.” I smirked as I did because the whole song was about it being too late to apologize. Too much had happened, too much time had passed—it was simply not an option.

  Fitting.

  Craftsman grabbed my arm as I went past him, yanking out my earbud as well. “No, it’s not too late. It’s never too late. I love you.”

  I snorted as I yanked my arm away. “Yeah, sure you did. What’s this really about, Julian? You done with your latest project and want to get laid?” I stood my ground when his eyes went wide that I would say that in front of Zack, glancing at the wolf as if saying he didn’t want the man to hear this. He was the one who had pushed this. I turned to leave, but he blocked me again.

  “I never—”

  “Do you need crystals?” I asked, studying him closely. “Is that what this is? You ran out of the crystals I gave you and found more interesting than the woman you bullshitted that you loved?”

  He flinched at what he saw in my aura. “You—how can you really think that?”

  “That’s what you showed me,” I sneered, hating when people turned things around as if I was the problem. “Whatever. We’re over. I don’t love you anymore. I’m over you.”

  Relief filled his eyes at what he saw in my aura, but was kind enough not to bust me.

  I ground my jaw and pulled back my shoulders, squaring off with him. “I don’t want to want you or trust you enough to give you another chance. I will get over you.”

  That made him flinch, as it was the absolute truth. “Don’t say that, my sweet—” He reached for me, but I dodged him.

  “You don’t deserve me or another chance,” I rasped. “I was abducted, branded, and someone planned to use me as a blood cow—and my children—forever, and you were working. You were busy. What kind of idiot forgives that?” I let out a bitter chuckle when tears filled his eyes. “And yet I was going to. I was going to see if you came home after finals and figured your shit out so maybe we could be okay.”

  “I was going to and—”

  “Except you didn’t do a damn thing after my final and seeing how much pain I was in,” I cut in, my voice cracking. “Except I realized we were over and things had gone too far. Everything happened with the party, I was in deep shit, and it never crossed my mind to call you. That’s over. That’s—it wasn’t what you promised it was. I wasn’t what you thought I was, and you just bailed.”

  “No, no, I didn’t,” he argued, grabbing my arm and trying to pull me closer.

  I didn’t want him to touch me like last night when my body had ached for him, so I broke his hold… And clocked him. I stared from Craftsman on the ground, to my fist, and back to Craftsman in shock. I had done it so fast, in a panic he might make me cave that I hadn’t even realized it was happening.

  “Don’t be upset, love,” he groaned as he pushed to stand. “I deserved that.” He nodded when I blinked at him. “I can see it in your aura that you’re horrified you just hit me. I shouldn’t have put my hands on you. It’s okay, Tamsin. I’m not a teacher right now.”

  Except that had been part of why he hadn’t wanted me. My eyes filled with tears and I backed away from him.

  “I’m not walking away,” he promised, holding his injured face.

  I shrugged. “I just have to hold out until something more interesting comes along, and then you’ll forget all about me again. You’ll get excited about magic, and I won’t matter. How much you’re hurting me won’t matter.” I froze, giving him a horrified look. “It’s the traps. You want the traps. That’s why you’re back.”

  He reacted as if I’d punched him again. “No. No, I don’t want your bloody traps. I want you, Tamsin.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I whispered, backing away again. “You had me, totally and completely, and you just disappeared. You didn’t even have the respect for me to dump me, just you needed some time to think.”

  “I did need it. I did think,” he argued, moving closer.

  “Well, I’m not a fucking doormat for men to walk all over!” I screeched, shocking all three of us I would react like that.

  Which was why I turned and fled. I didn’t stop sprinting until I reached the dorm, and then it was just to open the door. I raced upstairs and to our room, plopping on my bed when I was inside, and curling up in a ball. It was the worst thing to do after running six miles, but I really, really didn’t care right then.

  I spun out, my mind and thoughts all over the place. I needed good. I needed happy. I needed some fucking progress. I knew there was lots of it, but I was always at the eye of the storm, and the good happened from the ripples of the stones I threw.

  That wasn’t what I needed. I used to be involved through the ripples and see it through to the end. I had that closure with issues, that satisfaction of seeing the good of what I’d done.

  That was what I craved; my soul needed to heal.

  And I knew how to get it.

  I went over to my desk and pulled out the map of Australia that I was using to track the movements of Chief and his pack. They had been scouring the continent to find hobgoblins trapped with other species besides dragons. While others had been debating what to do and pushing it back, I was done waiting.

  Izzy was still sleeping, so I went in my closet and opened a portal, focusing my magic on Chief and hoping I could get close to him since he was sworn to me. Then, I walked through, knowing I could go right back if it wasn’t a good spot. I mentally pumped my fist when I saw the pack racing towards me.

  My magic really was so cool.

  Chief stopped before me and plopped on his butt, offering me his paw. I squatted down and took it, smiling at how much he had to tell me.

  “You’ve all done very well,” I praised. “And we start getting them out now. No more of this bullshit of letting our people suffer. I want you to head to the ones we will get out today.” I went over my plan with him and smiled when he licked my face before they took off.

  Good. We could do this.

  Even better? I had planned it out so we had the cover to do this. People would point all the fingers at me and those who stood with me first, so the time difference from Kansas to Australia actually worked in our favor for this. I would be at lunch when it was the middle of the night in Australia.

  The perfect time to get the hobgoblins out and to the sanctuary.

  I opened a portal to the Recast Wardrobes estate and found Keya working in the office. “I need your help.”

  She dipped her head to me. “Always. You always have my help and loyalty, Tamsin. What can I do for you?”

  “Not for me,” I clarified. “For our people.” I smiled at her. “No more waiting to save hobgoblins. It’s time to start going on.” I went over what I was plotting and she smiled, knowing exactly what I needed.

  Hobgoblin magic. I couldn’t leave a message that others could find, and leaving something in Faerie would scream a fairy was alive or behind it. We needed to be smarter, as the moment we made a move, others would be on alert.

  Wh
ich Keya mentioned and asked to speak with her mate, Mourn, about maybe also focusing on other areas. If we jumped around, it was easier to trip people up.

  “True, but it also gives people time to hide them away and lock them up so we can’t find them again. Or we can get them, but not their stuff.”

  She smirked at me, her skin changing to red as the idea of that angered her. “Oh, I’m sure the fae dogs wouldn’t like that and would make a show of collecting the belongings of our people. They’ve been very happy with us now that we tend to them as we used to in Faerie, now that we have places to, thanks to you.”

  “I’m doing what I can.”

  “We all know that, child. You are a miracle, and we wish you would do more for yourself. It’s why we spoil you so much. We see how hard this is on you, and still you fight for so many. You deserve nothing but the best and all the love we can give to remind you that you are not alone.”

  That explained so much, and I could finally accept the over-the-top behavior of the hobgoblins without any guilt. I nodded I heard her and then picked her up, bringing us through a portal to where Chief and the pack had stopped. We were cloaked, so no one saw us as I brought us over to the wall of the large estate.

  I was about to climb up when she assured me there was no need. I felt magic, but it was some I couldn’t even see as a fairy. I didn’t ask, waiting until she was done before nodding at Chief that we needed to go.

  He shook his head and I frowned, hugging Keya to me and jogging after the pack about two city blocks until we were at another estate. He went right to the wall and put his front paws up on it.

  I nodded I understood and let Keya do her thing again as I flipped on my telepathy, mentally rolling my eyes at myself for not having already done that. He explained there were ten well-off hawk shifter families that lived close together in their kettle and all had hobgoblins they wouldn’t leave.

  And they were some of the worst abusers.

  And the pack was not happy about that.

  Neither was I.

  I debated what to do about that as we moved between the estates and Keya sent up a magical message only hobgoblins could see… Or so her thoughts told me. Part of me wanted the fae dogs to do damage to their estates in retribution, but someone could get hurt in the fires, and that would start more problems. Plus, the environment was hurting enough.