Hard

by S. R. Jones

  A date? I scrub my hand through my hair. I don’t do dating. I don’t do busy places on the weekend. It’s my idea of hell, and there’s nothing more likely to set my head off than a busy bar or restaurant.

  I’d accepted the invite to Maggie and Laura’s place as an excuse to fuck with Cara, and because it would only be a casual meal, but it hadn’t happened anyhow due to Cara getting sick. But a real, dress-up, and go into town, date? Yup, my idea of hell.

  But I’ll do it for a chance to get into Cara’s body. And her mind. To take her apart and break down her barriers. Because fair’s fair, she’s been messing with my mind enough these past weeks. I want to make her as crazy as she’s made me.

  I blow out an annoyed breath and type a reply before I make my head explode with over thinking. I’ll turn into her at this rate.

  You don’t owe me anything. But a meal sounds great. I’ll see you at class. Luka.

  Fuck it. I’m done here. I can’t think, my head’s splitting, and Ethan is watching me like a hawk, the bastard. I push my chair back and stand up.

  “I’m heading home. Done all I can for now.”

  “Hey.” Ethan’s voice stops me. “Do you want to come over Saturday night? Have a bite to eat?”

  I shoot him a shit eating grin. “Love to, mate, but I can’t. I’ve got a date.”

  His expression is priceless as I head out the door.

  I arrive home to find the smell of food wafting out of the kitchen and lots of shouting from Poppy.

  “I won’t eat it! I won’t, it looks like worms!”

  Poppy’s plaintive cry carries from the kitchen, along with an exasperated sigh from Sally.

  “But you like spaghetti on toast. It’s your favorite.”

  I enter the warm kitchen in time to see Poppy dig her fork into her bowl and fling bright orange spaghetti loops all over the kitchen wall.

  “Hey.” I nod at my sis who looks about ready to explode, then turn my attention to Poppy. “How’s my favorite Poppy Poppet today?”

  “Mummy wants me to eat worms.” Poppy starts to cry and Sally swears under her breath as she scrubs food from the wall.

  “All the coolest things eat worms.” I hunker down until I can look Poppy in the eye.

  “No worms!”

  “Okay. Can I have them then?”

  She nods, her bright blue eyes still swimming with tears. I pull around a chair and sit close to Poppy. Taking her spoon, I scoop some spaghetti hoops onto it and taste them. I hide my shudder at the soft mush, and instead smile.

  “These are great! I’m so happy Poppy doesn’t like them anymore.” I say this loudly to Sally.

  She turns away but not before I catch the twitch of a smile.

  Poppy, for some unknown reason, worships the ground I walk on. Deluded kid. Whatever I do, Poppy wants to do.

  When I do my work out at home, she tries to copy me, little limbs getting all tangled up. What I eat, she wants to eat. And she’s even said she wants to be a soldier when she grows up, and yeah, we’ll be having talks about that if she doesn’t change her mind on it!

  “Mmmm.” I take another mouthful. “I’m so hungry and I was going to have to cook something, but now you don’t like worms anymore, I can eat all your tea.”

  I lean in close and ruffle her hair. “They’re not real worms, you know, Poppet. They’re tasty Tomato Worms.”

  “Tato Worms.” Poppy murmurs.

  “Yeah, that’s a good name actually. Tasty Tato Worms.”

  “Poppy wants.”

  “No. Poppy doesn’t like Tasty Tato Worms.” I scoop some more into my mouth and lick my lips.

  “Poppy want.” She kicks her highchair and I push the bowl towards her.

  “Okay. But are you going to eat them like a good girl? No more throwing them over the walls, okay?”

  “I’ll be good.”

  “Yeah, you do that.” I kiss her cheek and hand her the spoon back.

  Poppy begins to dig into her worms with relish, and Sally mouths a silent ‘thank you’ at me from across the kitchen.

  I walk over to her. “Can you do me a favor?”

  “After that? Anything.”

  “Can you come with me to find something suitable to wear for a date?”

  Sally squeals in delight and throws her arms around me. Poppy squeals, too, from her chair, kicking her chubby legs.

  “You’re going on a date? For real?”

  Oh, fuck. Are those tears shining in her eyes? Jesus, how worried about me has she been?

  “Yeah for real. It’s with a woman I work with on the teaching course. She’s actually kind of my tutor.”

  “Oh.” Her face twists as she regards me. “Is that a good idea?”

  “Probably not, on more than one level.”

  “What do you mean?” She crosses to the fridge and grabs a bottle of wine. Pouring us both a glass, she heads over to the table. I follow and we sit down.

  Poppy glances up at us for a moment, then goes back to demolishing her tea. Her lips and chin are stained a bright orange from the sauce.

  “Not only is she my tutor but she’s also a bit insufferable. She’s got these strong opinions on things. First couple of times I met her I…” I pause. Fuck, this talking about shit is hard. “I found some of her views kind of triggering. You know how angry I got when I first got home? She made me feel like that again.”

  “Oh, Luka.” Her face falls further.

  “But it’s different now…somehow. She still spouts off about her beliefs sometimes, but I like it, in a weird way.” I can’t stop my lips twitching up in a smile. I do kind of like her self-righteousness. It’s sort of charming.

  “What beliefs?” Sally takes a sip of her wine and gives a small moan of appreciation.

  “She’s a big anti-war protestor. Member of the Green Party. Pacifist.” I take a sip of my own drink, but I won’t have more. I want to go for a run later.

  “Wow. Talk about opposites attracting.” Sally laughs.

  “Yeah. And like I say, at first her attitude pissed me off. But somehow, she’s grown on me. For some reason, I like her.”

  I trace a pattern in the condensation left by my wine glass, not wanting to look at my sis right now. Feeling a bit too exposed to be comfortable.

  “Luka. I love you.” Sally’s soft voice reaches across the space between us. “More than anyone on this Earth, other than Poppy. So, I say this with love, but you’ve been locked away in a shell ever since you came back. Unreachable, in many ways. Yes, you’re great with Poppy. You’d do anything for us, and I love you for it, but when I look at you, your eyes, they’re always empty.”

  She sighs and takes another drink before carrying on. “You sit in your room night after night, or stare at the TV and hardly say a word. And when you’re not doing that, you’re tiring yourself out physically so you don’t have to think or feel. If this woman has managed to get through to you, even if she’s done so by being a royal pain in the arse – I’m simply glad.”

  “Ah…okay.” I have no idea what to say to this impassioned outburst, so I go back to playing with the tiny pool of moisture on the table top.

  “But long term? Down the line, how will you feel if she believes everything you stand for, everything you are is wrong?”

  “Sals, I’m not looking for long term. You know as much. I want to get myself qualified, to get Liam off my back. Do the bits of training I need to do for him. Get involved more in the protection side. The stuff I know I’m good at…and maybe get a dog, which is about the level of commitment I can handle right now.”

  I don’t mention the other stuff; the new stuff Liam’s company is doing. It will only worry her. And right now, I’m not involved in any of this clandestine shit, and not sure if I will be, or want to be. “He’s paying me well, so my focus is going to be on work. Then we can afford to extend the house, or move. Make a great home for you and Poppy.”

  “This is a great home,” she says.

  “Yeah, but
I’m going to be earning stupid money, with what I’ve already got. We could live somewhere fantastic.”

  “We? We’re not your responsibility.” Her eyes dart around the room, looking everywhere but me as she speaks.

  “Like hell you’re not, you are my family.”

  “And you are ours. But Luka…what if one day I meet someone?”

  The heat floods my face as her words sink in. Fucking hell, does she see me as some sort of liability? And here I was thinking I’m helping out, and she’s worrying about how to get rid of me if some bloke comes on the scene.

  “Christ, Sally. Don’t worry. I’ll know when my welcome is up.”

  I stand abruptly. Tempering my movements when Poppy turns huge, worried eyes in my direction. Stalking from the room, I head into the lounge, where I plop down on the sofa, the springs groaning as I let my weight fall on the cushions without any finesse.

  “God, Luka. What the hell? Hear me out before you go storming from the room, okay?” Sally appears in the doorway, her face a grim mask.

  I don’t reply. I watch her and wait, but keep my mouth shut. In this moment, I don’t trust myself not to say something harsh or nasty. Sally doesn’t deserve as much. In fact, she deserves to meet someone, to find love and happiness at last. The thought of being without her and Poppy though…

  “You will always be welcome here. Or wherever Poppy and I might be. Any guy I meet who doesn’t get that isn’t someone I’d want to be involved with. And anyway, this is your house more than it is mine. You pay for it over and above.”

  My muscles coil as the whole conversation has me itching. Fuck who pays for the house. I’ve been seeing it as our home, and she clearly hasn’t. It’s stupid, but it hurts. I know she’s my sister, and at some point, we’ll go our separate ways, but for some reason, right now. Today. This conversation is making me feel all raw.

  Sally moves into the room, sits on the floor in front of me, and takes one of my hands in both her own. And I am angry now. I’m not some fucking kid.

  “Don’t go getting all ragey on me.” She smiles, the same dimples she’d possessed as a three-year-old kid popping either side of her mouth. The same dimples I too possess, the ones we inherited from mum.

  “This is our home. Me, you, and Poppy. You gave up everything for us, and I will never forget that. And even if you hadn’t, we’d have wanted you here. Most siblings can’t stand one another. I realize how lucky we are to have each other.” She sighs. “My concern isn’t that you’ll be in my way, it’s how you’d feel if one day I did meet someone. You’d still be a huge part of my life, of Poppy’s life, but things would change, and I’d hate for you to have spent years sacrificing all your own chances of happiness for us. You deserve your own life, Luka. You came back from that hellhole, and don’t think I didn’t know how badly affected you at first. And then you were plunged straight into dealing with Mum’s death, and me and Poppy. Because, frankly, I was useless at the time. You took it all on your shoulders. This isn’t about me wanting you out of my life. It’s about me wanting you to have a life.”

  With a soft sigh, I stand and pull her into my arms. I can’t stay mad at her when she’s saying shit like this. I suppose I have taken them on as my responsibility, and I realise something. I needed to in a way. It was looking after them that stopped me from imploding when I got home. When after the utter horror we went through out there, I got home to Mum dying.

  I’d been scared I’d lose my mind at one point, but there were two people in a worse state than me, so I stepped up. Maybe I’m scared if I don’t have to step up any longer, I’ll finally crumble?

  Maybe I need people to look after to keep me sane? And I’m terrified of the day someone else gets to call them his responsibility? But at the same time, I don’t feel I deserve to have them in my life. I failed those girls in Afghanistan. I’ll probably fail Poppy and Sally eventually. Better they move on before that happens.

  “Promise me.” An elbow digs me in the ribs, jolting me out of my maudlin thoughts.

  “Promise me you’ll start to live a little. You’ll go on your date.”

  I chuckle into her hair. “I promise.”

  Before the date though, I’ve got to get through a class with Cara.

  Chapter Nine

  Cara

  I’m so nervous my mouth is dry, and I’m regretting my impromptu decision to ask Luka on a date.

  Before we get to go out at the weekend, we’ve this week’s class to get through together, and I’m feeling all kinds of vulnerable for putting myself out there. What if he changes his mind and tells me today?

  None of the students are here yet, as I wanted to get here early and prepare. I need to get my head back into the right place for teaching. One of the guards at the door opens it and pokes his head around. He’s called Dave, and he’s a lovely bloke.

  “Hey, Cara. You’ve got a new one joining today. Arrived two days ago, and signed up for as much stuff as he could. His name is Clive Leeson and he’s in for dealing. His file should have been sent down for you but the office hasn’t done it yet. Thought I’d give you a heads up. He seems okay, for one of our guests at any rate.” He rolls his eyes.

  “Thanks for letting me know, Dave.” I add the new guy’s name to the bottom of my register.

  “Hi, Luka,” Dave smiles and moves to one side to let Luka past.

  I look up at the man who is taking up far too much real estate in my brain, and hate the flush I can feel spreading over my cheeks. I put on foundation today, something I don’t normally do, to try and hide any blushing, but I doubt it’s working.

  “Hey, Cara.” Luka’s greeting is easy, casual. “You feeling any better?” He gives me a blinding smile and pulls a chair up, and his friendly demeanor relaxes me.

  “Yes, I am. And thanks so much for taking care of me. You didn’t have to.”

  “What are friends for?” But he says the word ‘friends’ with a strange emphasis, and his eyes do a quick flick up and down my body.

  I squirm a little in my seat.

  “So, where are you taking me for this slap-up meal?”

  The place I’ve chosen is lovely and serves damn fine Italian food. But nothing on the menu can match the mouthwatering vision in front of me. Luka isn’t wearing dark trousers today, he’s got on a pair of worn jeans and a rugby shirt, and he looks amazing.

  “It’s a small and cozy Italian in town. Nothing too flash or anything, but the food is gorgeous.”

  “I like small and cozy,” he says. “Don’t do too well with big, noisy places.”

  “Oh?”

  “I get migraines from a head injury I sustained out in the field. Noisy places can set it off. As can overly bright lights, and that kind of thing.”

  “Must be a bit of a pain.”

  “Not really.” He sighs and stretches his legs out. “I mean, it is when I get one as they’re bloody debilitating, but I’m fine about not being able to go to noisy, crowded places. They’re not something I want to do these days.”

  “Your clubbing days are over?” I smile at him, and his eyes meet mine. For a moment, something passes between us. Something unguarded and open. It’s more than the simmering attraction we have—it feels like friendship. Real, warm friendship. I look away first and mess with papers.

  “Oh,” I add, “there’s a new guy starting today. It happens, because obviously the prison takes new people all the time. Sometimes they aren’t allowed to join classes until the new term starts. But because he’s only missed a couple of lessons, they’ve obviously allowed him to. Name’s Clive Leeson. In for dealing drugs.”

  Luka nods and makes a note of the newbie’s name on one of his files. “No worries.”

  The door swings open and noise hits as the men start filing in. My heart picks up, but I’m okay. A little nervous, but glad Luka is by my side as I get used to being back in the swing of things.

  Mike comes in, and instead of doing his usual sitting at the front creeping me out routine
, he takes a seat towards the back. I glance at him, and must have frowned or something because Luka leans in.

  “We decided Mike should change seats while you were off. He’s cool with it and helps keep an eye on the group. He’s alright, you know.”

  Part of me wants to have a go at him for taking that decision. Part of me wants to thank him. And another part of me warms as the realization he did this purely for me, to take care of me, sinks in.

  I’ve not had anyone take care of me for the longest time. Tristan tries, but it always makes me feel suffocated, not cared for, with the way he does it. Like the text he sent this morning. “Doll, let me know when I can come and stay. I’ll be able to swing a few weeks off work. I’ll help you start to get things back on track. T”

  Not if he can come and stay, but when.

  Thing is, Luka pulls similar shit. The way he strolled into my house with stuff when I was sick, but with Luka I know if I told him to stop, or go away, he would. Tristan simply keeps on pushing.

  When you lose your parents young, you become an orphan before you’re truly an adult, and you must take care of yourself. I think it’s left me vulnerable because I swing between pushing people away, and letting them boss me around. For some reason, with Luka, I can stand my ground. Fight back, and not worry he will get all butthurt like Tristan does, or that he’ll go into worry mode like Laura. It’s refreshing. He’s domineering, but he is up front, straightforward and one of the few people I feel I could tell to butt out if I wanted to.

  The men are sitting down and larking about as we wait for the room to fill. I look down to today’s lesson plan, and smile. This is the first day they’ll get to write some fiction. I always love reading what the men produce. Sometimes you find real talent in these classes. One ex-student, now on release, has had a book of poetry published.

  I glance up as the door opens again, to see a man led in by Dave. Must be the new guy. I look to my sheet to tick him off, and look back up as he takes his seat.

  The universe tilts on its axis as I stare at the man shuffling about in the cheap plastic chair three rows down.