Twisted Paths

by L. L. Collins

  She turns, and I see them. Tears. Streaming down her face like the last day I’d laid eyes on her. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and take them away, but she’s not mine anymore. I’m not sure that I have that right. We haven’t been friends in so many years, I don’t know if I’m welcome. “It’s been a really hard week,” she answers. It’s not lost on me that she doesn’t really give me any information, and I know I deserve that. She doesn’t know me. Not anymore.

  Sighing, I run my hand through my hair. “I want you to know something,” I begin. She stares at me, waiting. “I was married.” Her eyes widen and she lets out a slight gasp before catching herself.

  “Was?”

  I nod, sitting down in the cool sand. She follows, leaving too much space in between us. “Her name’s Melinda. She’s a teacher. We were married for five years.” I’m not sure why I’m choosing this information to share with her first, but there isn’t any way to decide which information is the most important to divulge to her. She deserves to know everything, but I’m not sure that I should be the one to give it all to her.

  “What happened?” her voice is shaky, and I know she’s still fighting emotion. I want to know if that emotion has anything to do with me, but I don’t want the answer.

  “I never loved her,” I answer matter-of-factly. “She’s a great person. Too good for me. But, I could never love her the right way. So I let her go.”

  Her mouth opens, but she doesn’t say anything. Her only movement is her eyelashes blinking. I’ve shocked her. “D-do you have any kids?” I want to know that answer also, but we aren’t talking about her.

  “No. We never had any. We were young and it just didn’t work out. Though Melinda is remarried now and has twins, a boy and a girl.” She looks surprised that I know this. “We’re still friends. Our divorce was the best thing that ever happened to either of us.”

  She looks away again, and I see the telltale sign of her shoulders shaking. She’s crying. For me? I’m not sad about it anymore. Melinda and I haven’t been married in over five years. I really like her new husband, and we’re all friends. Her kids are adorable and give me a distraction from life regularly. She knows the reasons why I hadn’t been a good husband, and she forgave me for them. I’d been young and hurt, and she’d been a great friend to me. We’d dated two years before getting engaged, then had been engaged for two years. All in all, she’d been a part of my life since I was twenty two years old, and I was thankful for her. She’d saved me from myself when everything had been a downward spiral. If it hadn’t been for her, who knows where I’d be right now.

  “I want to help, whatever it is,” I say. “No matter what, I want to be your friend. We were friends before… we’ve always been friends. So if you want to talk, I’m here.”

  She takes a deep breath. “I haven’t seen you in years, Blake,” she says, her voice strained. “I’m not sure being friends as kids classifies us as friends now.” She’s right, but damn if it doesn’t hurt to hear her say it. But how can I blame her? I deserve that reaction.

  “I know,” I answer. “But I’d like to start over. Do you think we could? You were such an important part of my life. Now that I’ve seen you again, I don’t want to say goodbye.”

  She stands abruptly. “You don’t want to say goodbye? It’s been nineteen years. I never said goodbye to you, Blake! You gave up on me! Where were you? Why did you do that? After everything!” Now she is crying because of me, and I wish she would kick or hit me. It would hurt less than seeing her tears. “I loved you, Blake. It wasn’t just a summer thing for me. I can’t do this right now.” She walks off, leaving me on the beach. I stare after her for only a few seconds before running after her. I can’t let her walk away. Not this time.

  “Liane,” I call. She doesn’t stop, her legs practically running away from me. “Please. Liane. Stop.” I’m surprised when she actually stops, but she doesn’t turn around.

  “I want to tell you everything,” I say to her back. “But I’m not sure that tonight is the right time. You’re upset, and while I know I have no right to know why, I want to be here for you. As a friend. Even if you decide later that you want nothing more to do with me, at least let me be a friend for now. I’m a good listener. Please, don’t walk away like this. Not when we’ve just seen each other for the first time in such a long time. Please, Liane.”

  She’s quiet for so long I expect her to continue walking away from me at any moment, but she doesn’t. While she doesn’t turn back to look at me, she doesn’t leave, either. “He left me,” she answers finally. I’m not sure I hear her right, because it’s the scenario my mind has been conjuring up ever since I realized she was upset about something else. I’m afraid to say anything in response for fear she will stop talking. “I got home from taking our son to college and he left me.”

  I close my eyes. Her son is starting college. Her son. He’s now the age that we were the last time we saw each other. The same rage I’d felt for that asshole, Ronan, floods through my body again. He’d left her? Then again, what did I expect? The man had no character. I have no idea what to say to that, because everything coming to mind would only alienate her further.

  “He left me a letter, Blake. Please tell me you didn’t do that when you split from your ex-wife.”

  “No,” I say, still looking at her back. I wish she would turn around, but I’m not going to push her. As long as she’s still out here and talking to me, there’s hope. “Melinda and I decided together that it wasn’t right for us to stay married. That’s why we’re still friends. We’re better that way.” I clench my fists, glad she isn’t looking at me. The urge to go and find Ronan floods through me. The temporary relief I’d gotten breaking his nose years ago was long gone. Figures that the idiot left her a letter. He wasn’t one thousandth of the man she deserved. Apparently time hadn’t changed that.

  “Everyone leaves me,” she whispers, and I swear that I can hear her heart shattering. She’s not just talking about Ronan, and I know it. “I gave him everything, Blake. My whole life. Me, at all times. And he threw me out like yesterday’s garbage.”

  “Do your children know?” I hate myself for asking it, but I have to know.

  “Carter’s our only child,” she answers, and I detest myself for feeling relieved. She didn’t have any other children with the asshole. Good. “I always wanted more, but…”

  I know she’s not trying to hurt me, but her words are like knives hurtled into my heart. I instantly remember our conversation on the beach all those years ago about us having a time share here to bring our kids to every year. Yet another dream of ours that didn’t come true. “Does Carter know?” I force myself to say the words.

  She shakes her head no. “I had to get out of there,” she whispers. “This was the only place I could think to come. I’ve tried to stay away from here for so many years. The memories, the pain were just too great. But when he… drove away and didn’t let me finish talking to him… I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go but here.”

  I can’t stand there for one more second and listen to this. I turn, pacing back and forth in the sand. What in the hell is this guy’s problem? He didn’t even have the decency to let her talk to him? He drove away from his wife of eighteen years? The mother of his child? Oh, all I need to hear now is that he has a mistress. No. I can’t hear that. All this time, I’ve lived my life without her, knowing that I did the right thing in letting her get on with her life, be a parent to her child. But after everything, after all that he did to make sure she ended up with him, he threw her away.

  I’m beyond angry. I’m actually scaring myself at my reaction. I feel her turn and walk up to me. I stop, my chest heaving with the effort it’s taking to reign in the rage I’m feeling for Ronan. “I didn’t tell you that to make you angry,” she whispers. “I’m sorry.”

  I shake my head. Now she’s apologizing to me. What had he done to her to make her think that she was the one that needed to apologize? �
�Liane, don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m furious. I want to drive to wherever you live and beat him until he can’t get up. I want to kill him. I’ve never wanted to take someone’s life before. You don’t deserve any of this. You should be treated like the special person you are. You should be treasured. Do not let him make you think you’re worth less than you are. Don’t give him that power. I would’ve never…” I stop talking, realizing what I’m about to say is crossing a line.

  I see the look of panic that crosses her face before she quickly masks it. “I should go in,” she answers. “I’m a mess, and not good company.” She gives me a thin smile. “Want to walk back with me?”

  I nod, not trusting my voice still. I’m still shaking with rage, my mind swirling with the possibilities of how anyone could possibly treat a woman that way. I take her hand without thinking. I just need to touch her, to somehow try to tell her through my touch that she’s going to be okay. We get back to our condos way too fast. I’m not ready to say goodnight to her yet, but I know she’s exhausted. And I can’t invite myself into her place; not tonight. She needs time to think and we need to take this slow and figure out where we stand with each other.

  “Thanks, Blake,” she says, shaking me out of my thoughts. Her hand is on the doorknob. “I’m glad I got to see you.” She sounds like she’s not planning to see me again. I won’t let that happen.

  “Liane.” She turns back to look at me. I want to call her Li. It’s what my mouth wants to form when I look at her. But I’m scared. Calling her Li is like opening myself up again. Because Li is the girl I love. Liane is the woman in front of me. And right now, I can’t make them the same person.

  There’s so much I want to say right now, but I just can’t make myself. “Goodnight. Get some rest. Things will be better in the morning.”

  She nods, opening the door. I stand there watching as she pulls the door shut behind her, her eyes looking into mine the whole time. I wish for the millionth time in my life that everything hadn’t gone to hell. As I walk back to my condo, I allow myself a moment to play the what-if game again. What if she was my wife? What if we’d just taken our son to college? And what if we had the rest of our kids here at the beach with us right now? What if we’d just said goodnight to all of them and retired to our own room, both of us ready to show each other how much we love each other?

  Sighing, I enter the condo alone and shut the door, leaning back against it. I don’t even bother turning on the lights. If she was mine right now, I’d pull her into the shower and wash every part of that beautiful body. The thought makes me remember the one and only time I got to shower with her. I wonder if Ronan ever appreciated anything about her, or if he always took advantage of who she was. I know very little about who this new Liane is. She’s been through so much since the last time we’ve seen each other; we both have. But I know just from being with her tonight that she’s still the same person I once loved. Just a lot more sad than she should ever need to be.

  I SWING MY legs over the side of the bed, sleep evading me. My mind won’t shut off, and it’s alternating between Blake and Ronan as usual. Just hours ago, I wished with all of my might for Ronan to show up here. Hell, I’d even wanted Mia to find me lingerie for when he arrived. I’d wanted my husband back like nothing I’d wanted in a long time. But then, just like before, Blake had appeared and changed everything. Just the mere sight of him had rattled me beyond belief, and had me realizing for the second time in my life that maybe I want something more than I have.

  Staring out the sliding glass doors, it’s dark but I just barely make out the waves lapping the shore. I find myself wondering if Blake is awake and thinking of me like I am him. There’s so much we haven’t talked about; so much we need to say. I wonder if that’s really feasible. Can two people that have spent an entire lifetime apart really rebuild a friendship? I have so many questions that I don’t know if I really want the answers to. Like why did he just drop out of my life, and why did he send me those awful pictures of him with a girl instead of just telling me he didn’t want me anymore? Why didn’t he answer my calls and my letters? He’d been married, but he had no children. And he and his ex-wife are friends. It seemed like a rather peculiar situation, but then again, who am I to judge? I’d been a teen mom with a husband while most kids my age went to parties and only worried about getting enough sleep to go to class the next day.

  Shaking my head, I push myself out of bed. I need to stop this. There are some things that just need to be left alone. I’m so glad to have gotten to see him again here. He’d made no promises when we had walked away from each other tonight; I have no idea if I will see him again, and I can’t expect anything more. We’re essentially strangers now. Strangers with a past.

  I slip on a pair of shorts and a tank top, careful not to make too much noise. I don’t want to wake Mia. When I’d come back from talking to Blake, I’d fallen apart on her again. I wonder sometimes why she even wants to talk to me. All I am is a broken record. I’d told her about Blake being married before and him being so angry about Ronan. She said that man is still in love with me and has been his entire life, which is why he can’t be married to anyone else. I’d told her that she isn’t right, but she insisted that all she needed was to see him look at me at the pool to know. I refuse to believe that for even a second. He doesn’t even know me anymore.

  I open the slider and step out, the warm air instantly soothing me. To me, there’s nothing better than the smell and feel of the beach. Living in Florida right on the beach had kept me sane when things were crazy. I’d like to fool myself by saying I’m just walking, that I don’t have a destination in mind, but I’d be lying. I know exactly where I’m going. After what seems like mere seconds but I know has been at least a mile, I stop, my breath catching at the sight of the place I’d carefully avoided since arriving here last week. But after seeing Blake and feeling him touching me tonight, I can’t stay away any longer. Tears invade my eyes as the movie plays in my mind of the night we spent here together. Ah, to be back there again, when life was so simple. To feel the love he had shown me and the things we had said to each other in that time. Both of us just barely eighteen, I’d give anything to feel that way again. But life had happened to both of us, and I don’t know the rest of Blake’s story, but I know mine hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. Heck, he knows that too, now. He knows about Ronan. Isn’t that the way it has always been: me talking to Blake about Ronan. Some things never change.

  I’m now a woman whose husband doesn’t want her, whose child is grown up, and whose best friend just reappeared in her life after a lifetime of hurt feelings. I’m not sure what to do with all of that, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Maybe Ronan was right all of these years and this place isn’t good for me. Every time I come, it just ends in sadness.

  I have no idea how long I stand there, my eyes trained on every spot inside that alcove. I can almost feel him touching me, caressing me.

  “I come here every year,” a voice comes from behind me. I jump, startled, but I know who it is. That voice, despite the difference in age, I would recognize anywhere. Whether it has been seconds or years, I know him. “I’ve never forgotten, either.”

  I know I need to turn around, but I’m afraid if I do, he’ll see everything on my face. All of the regret, pain, and sadness that seeing him again has stirred up churns inside me. I fight the urge to start crying and demanding to know why he left me. I know that it shouldn’t matter anymore. Plus, I’d had a baby and married Ronan. How can I blame him for not contacting me?

  “Turn around, Liane,” he demands, his voice like a silk sheet caressing my skin. I shut my eyes against the sensation; it feels like he’s touched me. What is he doing out here? I hesitate for a moment too long, and I feel him step closer to me. That’s when my body starts shaking without any warning. I can’t do this. Between the emotional overload of Ronan and seeing Blake again tonight, I can’t process it. I squeeze my eyes shut, wish
ing simultaneously that he’ll go away and that he’ll take me into his arms and make this all go away.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, his breath floating over my neck. Goosebumps break out on my skin, but I know I’m not cold. I want to ask him what he’s sorry for, but I’m afraid to know. He wraps his arms around me from behind, resting his head against my shoulder and leaning his face into my neck. The motion is so familiar, so intimate that I can’t help but bring my hands up and hold onto his arms as my head tilts to rest on his. I feel the slight stubble he has because it’s the end of the day, and I realize I can’t remember if he had facial hair the last time I’d seen him. We stand like this in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. It’s one of those moments when you think back and start saying what-if.

  “Seeing you here, it’s made me feel so many things,” he admits, straightening up and turning me so I have to look at him. He doesn’t let go, clasping his hands behind my back. “I couldn’t come here for about four years after that summer,” he admits. My heart squeezes at his admission. “But after that, I had to come. Being here, it just reminded me of you. I could sit here in this alcove and remember. I didn’t want to be with my family or yours. I was here, but not really. For the last few years, I’ve been here alone. I could never bring… I could never have anyone here. It was the one time a year I allowed myself to think of you.”

  It’s my turn now. “I’m sorry, Blake.” I step back, needing a separation between us so I can breathe. My brain is screaming at me, wanting to ask the questions. But I can’t. What he just said makes me feel like a knife has just been turned in my heart. Why is he here thinking of me? If he had been that sad over me, why had he let me go without a word? “I don’t really know what to say, since I don’t know what happened. You just… stopped talking to me.”

  Blake looks away, and I stare at his profile in the moonlight. He’s even more handsome than I could’ve imagined. For just a moment, I think about what my life could’ve been like if I’d never had a baby and married Ronan, or if Blake hadn’t left me without a word. I wonder what our married life would’ve been like if the baby would’ve been his; where we would’ve lived, if we would’ve had more children. When he looks back at me, tears glisten in his eyes. I’ve only ever seen him look like that one other time in our lives.