“This is way before selfies,” I hear Blake say, and they both laugh. “We didn’t have digital cameras or any of that. We had to actually take the film and develop it. I remember the days after we got back from Sanibel, waiting for the film to come back. When I got the photos, I looked at them for so long I think I fell asleep holding them. I missed her so much. But little did I know that it would be the last time I’d see her in so many years…”
“How do you do it?”
“How do I do what?” Blake asks.
“How are you and Mom so positive about this? Your whole life was ruined because of my dad… Ronan.”
“I don’t mind that you call him Dad,” he says.
“Well, I do,” Carter answers. “But I’m so confused.”
“To answer your question, we’ve decided to move past it because it doesn’t help to keep rehashing the things we’ve lost. We both have a lot of pain that we carried around for a long time, but all it was doing was weighing us down. But I’ll tell you one thing.”
“What’s that?” Seeing Carter look up into Blake’s face makes my heart stutter.
“There hasn’t been a single moment since your mom reappeared in my life that I haven’t been thankful for every second I’ve had with her. You never know how long you have left with someone. We learned that about you too, Carter. The fact that you survived and have done so well in your recovery is a miracle. We could’ve lost you, and I would’ve never gotten to know you.”
“Tell me more,” Carter says, and I watch as he fluffs his pillows and settles back against them. “I’ve never been in love. I’ve really never had a girlfriend. I’ve liked some girls, but my dad always wanted me to focus on doing well in school, and I took his advice.”
Blake scoots back, his gaze shifting down to the box in his lap. “Well,” he says, lifting out what looks like a letter. “All I can say to you is this, son. Does that bother you?”
“What?”
“That I call you son?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Okay. Well, when you’re in love, it’s like a feeling that’s very hard to describe until you feel it. But you’ll know, Carter. You will. Because after I lost your mom, I was a mess. And while people kept saying that I needed to get over it and move on, I just couldn’t. I’ve spent my life wishing I’d done things differently, Carter. So believe me when I tell you this. If you find someone you can’t breathe without, don’t let anything get in between you. Be a man.”
“You mean, be the opposite of the man that said he was my father,” Carter says. I hear the anger in his voice, and it makes me sad. I hate that he has to think that way of the man that’s loved him his whole life, even if it is true.
“Carter, I know you’re angry,” Blake says. “But he’s taken good care of you.”
“How can you defend him?”
“I’m not. Believe me. I got arrested showing your dad exactly what I thought of him and his devious actions. I also know I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if it wasn’t for him. So we have to give him some credit. He did do the right thing, albeit years too late.”
I hear Carter sigh. I want nothing more than to go in and sit on the bed with them, but I don’t feel that’s my place right now. They need this time, and I’m going to give it to them. “What’s that in your hand?”
Blake smiles, the one that makes me weak in the knees. I can see the little boy in him when he looks like that. And it’s our son that’s making him look like that right now. “It’s a letter I wrote to your mom the day she got married, the day I found out that you were coming.”
“Wait. You wrote it to her?”
“Yes. I never sent it. I knew nothing good would come of it, but I had to do it anyway. I was a mess, Carter. I was in a place I’d never, ever want you to be. So I want you to know something else. If you ever feel so upset, about any of this or anything that comes up later and you feel like turning to something destructive, please talk to me. I almost died once because I never dealt with the way I felt about losing my chance at happiness.”
“Okay,” Carter says. “Can you read it?”
Blake nods, and I know I should walk away. I’m not sure I can listen to this, but I know that my legs aren’t going to move because I have to hear what he was trying to say to me the day he couldn’t see me. I promise myself that I’ll walk away right after I hear this. I know that I’ll run away and go cry in our bed.
“Li,” he begins. “I’m writing you this because I know I’ll never, ever give it to you. I have to move on, and let you do the same. But I feel like if I don’t get these words out, even on paper that I’ll just explode. This has always been our thing, writing each other letters. We have so many of those. The bike rides, alcove, the fancy restaurant and then hotel, the Bean. So many more that I just can’t list, because I can barely see the paper through my tears. I was there today, Li. I had to go see why you were marrying him. I had all these grand plans about bursting in there and you running away with me, your dress billowing behind you as you jump into my car and we speed off. But that’s not what happened. At all. Because you’re pregnant. I think it would’ve hurt less if you would’ve shot me directly in the heart. I can make up for walking away from you, for not talking to you, but what I can’t do is make that baby mine. Oh god, if I could, I would. I wish I could erase that you ever knew Ronan Collier. I wish I would’ve come to Kentucky and made you be my girlfriend when I was sixteen years old and missing you like crazy. Then you would’ve never gotten involved with him. But I didn’t, and now I let you go and I can’t do anything about it.
I’ll never forget our dreams, Li. Because no matter that you are married and now are going to have a baby, that won’t change the vision I have for what our life would’ve been like. I’m going to pretend that you died, because I think that’s easier. I can’t think about you waking up next to him, having his baby, and him getting to have the life I should’ve had. I want to die, Li. I know that sounds silly, because I have plenty of reason to go ahead with the rest of my dreams. But the thing about that is, you made all my dreams a little brighter. I wanted to achieve all those things because of you. Now I have to do all of them in memory of you.
I’ll always love you. Until the day I take my last breath, you will be my one great love. I might be young, but I don’t need to be an old man to know what love feels like. I hope you have the life you deserve. Maybe someday we’ll come across each other and I can see that you’re happy and feel like this wasn’t all for nothing. But no matter what, I’ll always wish that you would’ve been Mrs. Blake McIntyre, and that we’d have a few rugrats carrying our names. Your forever love, Blake.”
I rest my forehead against the doorjamb, tears dripping off my face and hitting the hardwood floors. I know he doesn’t know I’m listening, but god do I feel like I’m right back there, standing in front of the mirror wishing my life was headed in a different direction and I could love Blake forever.
“Wow,” Carter finally says. “That’s so powerful. I knew before that you loved her. But I could feel every emotion on that page. Are you going to share that with her?”
“I don’t know,” Blake says. “We’re trying to move forward, but I’ve kept this entire box of things from us. I have every letter she’s written me in here, tons of photos, mementos. What do you think? Would she want to hear that?”
“I think she would,” Carter answers, and I beam. He knows his mother well. That comes from spending twenty-four/seven with me. “Thanks for sharing all this with me. Can we do it again soon? I’m tired.”
“Anytime,” Blake says, shifting so he can get off the bed. I turn and make my way quickly back to our bedroom, sliding under the cool sheets to wait for him. That man. He sure as hell knows just how to turn my insides to mush.
I MUST’VE DOZED off because the next thing I know, Blake is waking me up kissing my neck. “Hmmm…” I murmur. Everything he said about me to our son floods through my mind again, and I smile. He doesn�
��t know I heard him, of course.
“Someone must’ve been sleepy,” Blake nibbles my ear. “Do you think I could make you less sleepy?”
“Hmmm,” I murmur again, turning so I can nuzzle his neck. He smooths back my hair, and his eyes meet mine in the moonlight.
“I had a great conversation with Carter,” he admits, tracing my lips with his finger. His voice catches right at the end of Carter’s name. “I love him so much, Li. He’s such a great kid. Thank you.”
“What are you thanking me for?” I ask, touching his face.
“For raising him to be the kind of man he already is. I know that’s you, Li. It’s all you.”
“I poured my whole soul into him,” I admit. “I always wanted him to know how much I loved him, despite me being such a young mom.” I don’t want to say Ronan’s name in this moment, but who Carter is can be attributed partially to him. He’s spent a lot more time with him as a teenager than he did as a kid, even if he was working almost round the clock. But Carter’s determination and drive definitely came from Ronan.
“Will you do something for me?” Blake asks, pulling my body closer so I fit right into his.
“Of course. Anything. You know that.”
“Will you come to an AA meeting with me? I’d love for you to meet my sponsor.”
He wants me to come with him to a meeting? “Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay,” he says. “I have no desire to drink, at all. But that doesn’t mean we stop going to meetings. Plus, I’m a sponsor also so I go to give support as well. Adam knows so much about you, and I’ve been filling him in on things since everything with Carter happened, but I haven’t been able to go to a meeting. I’d love it if you came with me.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I whisper, pulling his face to mine. Just before our lips meet, I smile. “I’ll do anything for you, Blake. Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”
“Let’s go tomorrow night. We can both come home and have dinner, then go. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” I say. “That’ll give me time to get Carter settled.” He rolls over and pulls me with him, and we stop talking.
“ADAM, THIS IS my girlfriend, Liane.” Adam reaches out his large hand and grasps mine. He’s a portly guy probably in his mid 50’s with long gray hair that he has in a ponytail.
“Beautiful,” he says, winking at me. “Nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.”
I want to say that I just heard of him last night, but I don’t. “Nice to meet you too, Adam. Thank you, for being there for Blake all these years.”
He claps Blake’s shoulder, and I see the reverence they have for each other. “He’s special to me. I’ve waited a long time for him to get the happiness he deserves. I’m so glad to see that he finally has.” He looks pointedly at Blake. “You’ve had a rough go of it lately. How are you holding up?”
Blake squeezes my hand. “I’m great, Adam. Never better. Ever since the moment Li stepped back into my life, I haven’t wanted to drink at all. Even through all the stress we’ve gone through, I don’t even think about it.”
“That’s wonderful,” Adam says, looking over at me. “You know that you can’t put your sobriety in the hands of someone else.”
“I’m not,” Blake says, tightening his hold on my fingers. “I’m sober because I’m choosing to be, and I’m happy. Liane isn’t making me stay sober; I’m choosing to stay sober.”
He smiles. “Great to hear. I see that Scott just walked in. Why don’t you go say hello. I’ll catch you later. I have a new member starting tonight I need to find. Nice to meet you, Liane.” I smile back at him, scanning the room for who could be Scott. There are at least thirty people in this room, some men, and some women of all ages, classes, and ethnic groups. They all mingle around, eating cookies and sipping lemonade or tea from the table. I’ve never been to anything like this before, but to me it just seems like a bunch of friends getting together.
“Come with me,” Blake says, pulling my hand. I follow him wordlessly across the room until he stops in front of a young guy not much older than Carter.
“Scott,” he says, letting go of my hand to hug him tightly. “I’m so glad to see you. How’ve you been? This is my girlfriend, Liane.”
Scott peers at me, his blue eyes questioning. “Hi,” he says shyly. I wonder if he’s embarrassed that Blake introduced me to him, but he has nothing to fear from me. I realize that he’s not much younger than Blake was when he started this journey of sobriety, and I can’t help but wonder what his story is. What happened to him to make him turn to alcohol? I can now see why Blake likes being a sponsor. It’s almost like he’s a teacher like me, just in a different way. Maybe even in a more important way. He’s potentially saving this child’s life.
“You can talk in front of her,” Blake says. “She’s cool.”
Scott nods. “It’s been a really hard month,” he admits. “But I didn’t touch any.”
“I’m so proud of you, man. I’m so sorry I haven’t been to the meetings for you. Has Adam helped you out?”
“Yes. Thank you for all the phone calls, Blake. You have no idea how many times you saved me from going to get that drink.”
“I’m always here for you, you know that,” Blake answers. Just then, another man steps up to the podium and calls for the attention of the crowd. They start making their way to the seats that are facing the front, and Blake pulls me in that direction. I turn, seeing that Scott is following right behind us.
As the meeting begins and everyone goes around the room and states their name, I watch in awe as everyone supports each other. When it gets to Blake, he lifts my hand and kisses it.
“Hi, my name is Blake, and I’m an alcoholic.” I’ve never been more proud of the man he is than right now, but I also wish that it had never happened. I know we’re trying to keep out of the past and only move forward, but I can’t help but think how different it could’ve been had Blake never had to turn to alcohol to cope with losing me, because he never should’ve lost me in the first place. A gentle squeeze of his hand puts me back in the present, where I belong. I can’t let the what-if’s make me crazy. We’re here, and that’s all that matters.
“LIANE, MR. GRAHAM WANTS to see you in the office for a minute,” Melinda says. “I’ll keep an eye on the kids for you. He says it should only be a few minutes.”
“What? Why?” There’s nothing worse than being called to the office by an administrator. I look out at my students running around the playground.
“I don’t know,” she says. “But you’re the world’s best teacher, so maybe it’s for some sort of award or something,” she laughs.
“Right,” I say, butterflies taking flight in my stomach. “Okay then. I’ll be right back I guess.”
I walk towards the office, trying to keep my mind off why he would want to see me. It has been a month since Carter had gotten out of the hospital, and he’s doing great. He can’t wait to go back to college after the holidays. He and Blake have really bonded, and I’m so grateful for that. Carter hasn’t talked to Ronan at all since the day he left him at our house, but I’m not pushing him. Blake and I are wonderful and getting stronger every day. We’re still seeing Mia once a week, and sometimes with Carter, too. My parents and his are both coming to our house for the holidays this year, as well as my sister, his siblings, and their spouses and kids. It’s going to be a full house, and I can’t wait.
I step into the office, looking around for Mr. Graham. I see his secretary Shellie. “Shellie? Mr. Graham wanted to see me?”
“Yes,” she smiles. Smiling is good, right? “Go on in. He’s waiting for you.”
I knock on the closed door and hear his booming voice say to come in. He’s always been very nice to me, but he’s never called me to his office before. “Hi Liane. Great to see you. Please sit.”
I sit, crossing my legs and willing them not to jiggle like I often do when nervous.
“You know you were hi
red for a temporary position while the other teacher dealt with personal matters. Well, we’d like to officially offer you a permanent position here.”
Relief flows through me, and I laugh. “Oh thank goodness,” I ask. “I thought I’d done something wrong.”
“You’re one of the best teachers we’ve ever had,” he says. “We’d love you to stay with us.”
“I’d love to,” I say. “Thank you so much.”
He reaches across and shakes my hand. “Welcome to our family, Liane.”
I step out of the office feeling like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders. I don’t know why I’d been so worried, but man had I thought the worst case scenario. I turn to head back to the playground, hoping my kids hadn’t panicked that I’d left or something. As I get closer, I don’t hear the screams of kids playing. In fact, I don’t even see them at all. Where did Melinda take them? I quicken my step, looking at my watch. We still have fifteen minutes until lunch. Did something happen?
I sigh in relief when I see them, all sitting nicely in the grass in a circle, Melinda behind them. She must be playing some game with them or something. I wave, and she smiles back. “What are you guys doing?”
She nods at one of my little girls, Sadie, who stands up, picking up a poster I hadn’t seen on the ground behind her and holding it in front of her. It says “Will”. I look at Melinda, wondering what kind of game she’s playing with them. I’d think maybe sight words, but they’re too old to need to practice the word ‘will’. Sadie grins at me and runs in front of the circle, still holding the sign. Next, one of my little boys Gabriel stands up and does the same, running a little ways down from her with the word “Him” on the poster.
Before I can ask Melinda what game this is, another student, Ayden, stands up and runs next to Sadie, the word “You” on his poster. Melinda’s class is sitting nicely, grinning like they’re in on some big secret. I’ve never seen my class be so quiet, so whatever she’s doing with them must be very fun. Jennifer, the all star cheerleader in my class, stands up and does a flip backwards before she picks up her poster and runs next to Gabe with a question mark on her sign. Following right behind her is Skylar, who runs in between Ayden and Gabe, her sign still facing downward. I look to Melinda to see if she’s going to tell her to put up her sign, but she just smiles, indicating for Madelyn to get up next. She runs next to Jennifer and lifts her sign at the same time Skylar does.
Twisted Paths Page 23
