Rachel's Folly

by Bruno, Monica

  Elena and Jack stood up as Rachel and Edward approached the warm wood finished table.

  “Hi guys,” Elena said, smiling broadly and putting her arms out to hug Rachel. She hugged her back tightly. It was then that Rachel realized just how much she had missed her. Edward and Jack shook hands, and then Rachel held her breath and gave Jack a quick hug and said hello without looking at him directly.

  “It’s so great to see you guys again. We were beginning to think you were avoiding us,” Jack said playfully.

  “No, no, we’ve just been really busy lately,” Rachel shot back nervously.

  “We hardly get out anymore,” Edward said, pulling the chair out for his wife.

  They all sat down at the square table. Rachel made sure to sit next to Elena and Edward, but unfortunately this put her directly across from Jack, which made it hard to avoid him. As she suspected, he appeared as lighthearted and cheerful as he had at the rehearsal dinner and wedding.

  “Before I forget, I brought you something,” Elena said to Rachel, reaching into her purse. She pulled out a small, red box and handed it to her. “Here.”

  “Elena, why?” Rachel asked, taking the box and opening it. Inside, she found a pair of exquisite Spanish earrings. They were champagne gold with black diamond accents. “Oh, wow, these are gorgeous. Seriously, you shouldn’t have.”

  “They’re antique. I found them while we were sightseeing in Granada. They were hanging on a mannequin head in this little jewelry store off the beaten path.”

  “That was one creepy mannequin,” Jack said. “Just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies.” He shuddered.

  Elena laughed. “It wasn’t creepy. It was vintage, silly.” She turned from Jack and looked back at Rachel. “I immediately thought of you when I saw them. I had to get them. Put ‘em on.” Rachel took off her diamond studs and tried on her new earrings.

  “They’re perfect,” Elena said cheerfully.

  “I hope you don’t mind, we ordered a bottle of our favorite French wine for the table to get us started,” Jack said and nodded to the waiter who quickly came over and proceeded to pour everyone a glass of Chablis Grand Cru.

  “None for me, thank you,” Elena said to the waiter, signaling with her hand over her wine glass.

  The next half hour was unbearable. Rachel was extremely self-conscious, trying hard to act as natural as possible. She smiled politely at Elena as she recounted their time in Europe and her crazy work schedule since their return. Rachel tried not to appear interested in Jack as he talked to Edward. The men laughed loudly a couple of times at some jokes Jack was making. She noticed he would sometimes place his hand on Edward’s shoulder while they spoke, which she figured was an attempt at camaraderie. She repeatedly had to force herself to focus solely on Elena to avoid any interaction with Jack.

  When the sushi was brought out, they all marveled at how delicious it looked. Running so many miles made Rachel hungry all the time and she had only been able to squeeze in a quick lunch that day. She had been starving when they drove out to the restaurant, but now she could barely touch her food. Being with Elena and Jack was just too uncomfortable. She ate what she could and just played with the rest. No one seemed to notice, except for the waiter who asked if her meal was up to her expectations.

  Occasionally, she couldn’t help but glance over at Jack. She couldn’t believe how calm and blasé he was. If she hadn’t known for herself what had happened between them, she would have never believed it judging by his completely nonchalant demeanor. She wondered if, like her, there was a storm raging underneath his cool exterior, although she seriously doubted it. He seemed to have simply brushed it all away like a bad dream. She wondered if what had happened between them was a unique event, or if she was just one of many women he had seduced while he was engaged to Elena. She suspected the latter. But then she began to think of how she was any different from him. She was just as guilty. Actually, her infidelity was worse. She was the one that was married at the time; Elena was her best friend; it had happened in her house. She realized that she was probably just trying to demonize Jack to make herself feel better. It wasn’t working.

  “You’re not drinking?” Edward asked Elena.

  “Well, no.” Elena paused and looked at Rachel with a mischievous smile. “You wouldn’t want me to.”

  Rachel looked at her, confused.

  “We have an announcement,” Elena said, reaching for Jack’s hand. Rachel stopped drinking her wine. She knew what that meant.

  Pregnant.

  “Oh, wow, that’s great. Congratulations,” Edward said, lifting his glass. “To the new brood!”

  Elena was smiling at Rachel, waiting for her to say something. She quickly put her hand to her face to hide her slightly gaping mouth. After a moment, she forced a few words out. “That’s wonderful, El. Congratulations.”

  “You sure did take your dad’s advice to heart,” Edward said, smiling widely.

  “Oh, he’s over the moon,” Elena said. “I honestly have never seen him as happy as he was when we told him.”

  And then, for the first time since that fateful night in May, Jack looked directly at Rachel and searched for her eyes. When their eyes met, he held her gaze and clenched his jaw, then smiled at her warmly. Time stood still. What he meant to say with that smile, Rachel had no clue.

  * * *

  They had great seats at the opera thanks to Dr. Wilkinson’s season tickets. He was on the board of the Opera House and had been a longtime donor. But in actuality, the new opera house really had no bad seats. Even if you happened to be up in the nosebleed section, the view was still very good. The entire seating area was unobstructed, and there was a large screen overhead that projected the stage and included English subtitles for the foreign language operas. The acoustics were pitch-perfect and could be heard clearly from any seat in the house.

  Act One. The curtains rose. The stage was bursting with color and elaborate costumes. The brindisi began, with its beautiful, lively lyrics that encouraged the drinking of wine.

  Rachel sat between Edward and Elena. As lovely as the opera was, Rachel’s mind was elsewhere. She wondered if there would ever be a time when they could all be together the way they used to, when what had happened would drift so far away it would barely be there at all, when the guilt would no longer dominate her thoughts.

  They were having a baby. On the one hand, she was truly happy for Elena, who she knew would be an amazing mother. The pregnancy symbolized a turning of the page, a new chapter in their lives, and anything that helped turn a page was a good thing. On the other hand, it added another layer of fraud. Like building a house of glass, another floor added more weight to the fragile foundation that could easily come crashing down. What if Elena were to ask Rachel and Edward to be the baby’s godparents? More weight. She felt ill.

  Act One ended and the lights came on. Elena turned to Rachel and asked if she would accompany her to the ladies room. As they waited in line, Rachel skimmed her program and tried her best to push her thoughts about Jack out of her mind. The lobby was occupied by a diverse group of people waiting for a restroom, admiring the artwork on the walls or standing in line at the bar. Some were in formal attire; some dressed down in jeans. Most were somewhere in between. They stood in line for a few minutes without saying anything.

  “Thanks for bringing us to the opera. It’s so beautiful,” Rachel said, attempting to make small talk.

  “Rachel.” Elena frowned and reached to hold Rachel’s hand. She looked into her eyes with concern. “Are you okay?”

  Rachel accepted her hand, but avoided looking directly at her. “Yes,” she sighed. “I’m sorry. I know I’ve been kind of spacey. I really am happy for you and Jack,” she said, making her best effort to sound sincere.

  “You know, I feel like you haven’t really been yourself for a while now. You seem so distant. Ever since the wedding, I’ve noticed you’ve been detached. You look so thin. You hardly touched your dinner tonig
ht. I hope everything is alright … You would tell me if something was wrong, right?” Elena asked, then she lowered her voice to a whisper. “I mean, if I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect you were depressed.”

  Oh, I just slept with your husband. It’s no big deal, really, is what ran through Rachel’s head, but she only sighed and said, “I know. I guess it’s just … it’s just …” She was at a loss for words. She noticed the woman in line ahead of them glance back.

  “Is it Dish?” Elena asked.

  “Dish?” Rachel repeated.

  “I asked Ed if you were okay after the wedding. He told me you were probably just worried about a new client you were seeing named Dish.”

  Rachel never used her clients’ real names when speaking about them to her friends or family. Edward knew Sara Dishner only as Dish.

  Rachel hesitated. It was the perfect excuse. “Well, you know I don’t like to talk about my clients, but I do worry about her. She’s young and impressionable. Her parents went through a pretty ugly divorce and she hasn’t been coping very well,” she said. You’re such a coward. You’re lying.

  “Well, I can’t blame you for that. I’m always worried about the people I work with at the clinic. It’s hard not to. I guess it’s just the way it is for people with jobs like ours. But remember, she’s lucky to have you. So many kids go through these things and much worse with no one to turn to.” Elena paused. It was almost their turn to step into the restroom. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. With all the new stuff, I guess I’ve been too wrapped up in myself.”

  “Thanks, Elena. It’s okay, I’ll be fine. I just have to let it go.”

  “Do you want me to call in a prescription of Lexapro for you?” Elena asked. “It’s for mild depression. It should help.”

  “No, no, it’s okay. I still have some benzos Ben gave me to help me sleep. Forget it. Really, I’ll be fine.” She tried to change the subject. “Hey, so how far along are you, anyway?”

  “Almost eight weeks. The baby’s due in February.”

  “That was fast,” Rachel said, forcing herself to smile.

  “To be honest, it’s a miracle I didn’t get pregnant before then. We had been so careless for months before we got married. I was so into him. I didn’t care if it happened. I almost wanted it to. I was so crazy in love, and now it’s still just as intense. It’s … it’s just so wonderful,” Elena gushed.

  Rachel was relieved when they finally made it into the restroom. “That’s great. We better finish up here and get back to our seats before they turn down the lights.”

  As Rachel closed the stall door, she saw Elena touching up her makeup in the mirror. She locked the door, closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen her friend so incredibly happy.

  * * *

  Later that night, while Rachel was taking off her new earrings and getting ready to wash her face, she noticed Edward in the mirror behind her. He rubbed his eyes as he walked into the bathroom, headed towards the closet. She thought about how he hardly made any sexual advances anymore, probably because he was tired of being rejected, and she didn’t blame him. Even on the one occasion that she had agreed to it, it wasn’t very good. As much as she tried to hide it, it was obvious that she wasn’t into it. Edward told her afterwards that it had felt mechanical and obligatory. That had been over a month ago and he hadn’t tried to approach her again since.

  Before she slept with Jack, Edward and Rachel had enjoyed a fairly decent sex life. Even though he worked long hours, they managed to sneak in time together at least once, sometimes two times a week. Now, they hardly touched each other and she could sense the void growing between them. She sighed, turned the water on and waited for it to warm. She felt bad for Edward and was angry at herself. Jack certainly wasn’t letting what happened bother him in the slightest. He and Elena were reveling in pre-baby bliss. Why couldn’t she just let things go? Why should she distance herself from her husband who had done nothing wrong? He deserved so much more than she was giving him. She turned the water off with purpose.

  She went over to where Edward was standing inside the large walk-in closet. His back was to her; he was busy taking off his shirt. She moved forward and wrapped her arms around him from behind. He immediately tensed up. Then she turned him around to face her. He looked down at her with a quizzical expression. She closed her eyes and kissed him. He kissed her back and held her closer. She tugged his shirt off of his arm and threw it to the side. Then she pulled him down to lie on the carpeted floor beneath them.

  “Shouldn’t we go to the bed?” he asked.

  “Shhhhh,” she said and guided him to lie on his back. He lay down but held his shoulders off the floor by propping himself up on his elbows. She straddled his body and began to kiss his chest, taking her time as she made her way down to his midsection. She unfastened his belt and carefully unzipped his pants. Then she wedged herself in between his legs and pulled them down. She gently caressed him, watching him close his eyes and drop his head back. Then she leaned in and put her mouth over him. She could hear his breathing getting harder.

  Just then, Jack popped into the forefront of her mind. She thought about how he had looked at her when they locked eyes at the restaurant earlier that night. She had pretended not to notice when he reached to hold Elena’s hand at the opera, hold her with the same hands that had glided over Rachel’s thighs before he picked her up and carried her to the couch. She thought about his chest, his full lips and the electricity that ran through her body when they first kissed.

  Stop it. She made herself turn her attention back to Edward and focus on being there with him. After a few minutes, she heard him moan and could tell he was about to climax. Once she felt his body clench and then slowly relax, she released him and then gently moved up and laid her head on his chest.

  They lay in silence on the closet floor for a few moments before he asked, “Where did that come from?”

  “It just came over me,” she said, staring blankly at her shoes tucked away in the shoe rack directly in front of her. She could hear his heart beating rapidly, the taste of him still in her mouth. It had been years since she had done that, and not since they were dating had she done it with such intensity. It had never been her favorite sexual act and Edward was well aware of that. She wanted to prove that she could still please him. Or, that she even wanted to please him, when her mind kept returning to Jack. Why couldn’t she just stop thinking about him? It was so irrational. She wondered if she was going mad.

  “Hey,” Edward said. “Did you hear me?”

  Rachel raised her head and looked at him. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “I said, I love you.” He looked at her intently and put his arms around her.

  She put her head back on his chest. “I love you, too,” she whispered.

  FOUR

  THE LONG SUMMER CAME TO AN END. It was almost Thanksgiving. The days were getting shorter and colder. The temperature danced around fifty degrees in the afternoon and dipped into the lower forties at night. Rachel felt like she was turning a corner, starting to feel like her old self again. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would probably never get over what she had done, but she also decided to take Ben’s advice and use it as a learning experience. She vowed to never again put herself in such a precarious situation. She would have more compassion for her clients who confided their sins to her. Instead of feeling like a fraud, she was now an expert. She could counsel her clients from experience. She vowed to be a more dedicated wife, a better mother and better friend. She was still running, but she was cutting back on her miles. The constant burning need was slowly subsiding.

  She was looking forward to the holidays. Edward would be off for the long weekend and they had decided to take Jacob to the beach on Friday. A getaway to the sand and sea was all Rachel could think about. She tried to bring her mind back to her work as she let Lisa Garza into her office for their regularly scheduled Mon
day mid-morning session.

  Lisa sat on Rachel’s couch, chewing her gum and staring out the window. She shook her head. “I don’t know what he’s waiting for. I don’t think he’s ever going to leave his wife. Every time I try to talk about our future, he just gets irritated.”

  “Irritated how?” Rachel asked.

  “He thinks I’m being pushy, keeps reminding me his wife just recovered from cancer. Even though she’s been in remission for almost a year, he says he still needs more time. He says he can’t break her heart right now. I know it sounds bad, but what about me?” She looked directly at Rachel. “Am I just a plaything? What about my feelings? What about my family? They’re going to be hurt, too. There never really is a good time to bring up these kinds of things, right?”

  Rachel took the tip of her pen out of her mouth and looked at Lisa directly. “Lisa, have you really stopped to think about what your life would be like with Keith?” She placed her hand on top of her notepad that was sitting in her lap. “It’s obvious you two are attracted to each other. But just because you have chemistry with someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. You know it takes more than good sex to sustain a healthy relationship, right?”

  Lisa’s face and shoulders fell. She turned her attention back out the window.

  “I don’t know … I told him we either need to move forward, or stop kidding ourselves and just call it off.” She paused and squinted her eyes, looking pensive. “And I might as well just tell Henry what’s going on. I’m sure he suspects something anyway.”

  Surprised, Rachel raised her eyebrow and asked, “Why do you want to tell Henry?”

  “Are you kidding me? This whole thing is eating me up. I just can’t live like this anymore. I have to tell him. Only someone with no conscience at all could go on lying this way.”