Rachel's Folly

by Bruno, Monica

  Ben missed his father every day. Now Rachel was gone, too. He turned his attention back to the window and tried to hide his face as the tears streamed down.

  When he landed in Austin, he used a phone at the customer service desk to check in on Homer. He told Janelle what had happened and asked her to overnight his dark suit, tie, shoes and cell phone charger to Edward’s house. Then he flagged a cab. En route, he remembered the last time he had taken a taxi to Rachel’s house: it was the morning after they had gone dancing, the morning he mischievously snuck into her house and scared her when she was making coffee. He sat up and arched his back peering out the car window, towards the ever changing city skyline as they drove along Highway 290. He tried to see if he could spot the building Elena lived in, but it was too far off.

  After he paid the cab fare, Ben held his suitcase and stood motionless in the driveway, staring blankly at the house. It looked so ominous to him now. It was Rachel’s house, but Rachel would not be in it. He took a deep breath, climbed the front steps, and rang the doorbell. He heard footsteps coming from inside. Edward’s mother, Agnes, opened the door and immediately stretched out her arms to embrace him. Ben held on tight and tried to hold back his tears. She didn’t say anything; she just held him tightly for a few moments and then released him. He grabbed his things and went inside. The house was dim. Most of the blinds were closed. There was a lamp on in the living room. It looked like Agnes had been knitting on the couch.

  She was a stylish woman, wearing red-rimmed glasses and a very short, shiny, straight, silver bob. The house smelled of pot roast and homemade bread.

  “Are you hungry?” she asked, standing by the leather ottoman.

  “No. Thank you. Is Edward here?”

  “No, dear. He went to work for a little while. It’s hard for him to be here.”

  “How’s Jacob?” Ben looked around and noticed Rachel’s running jacket hanging on the back of one of the breakfast chairs.

  “He’s taking a nap right now. He still doesn’t know. Edward tried to tell him last night but I couldn’t contain myself. I just had to leave the room. He ended up losing his nerve. I guess I’m not helping the situation.”

  “Maybe if we’re all here, we can do it together. We need to be strong for him,” Ben said.

  She walked over to him. “And how are you?” She looked at him and gently brushed his hair away from his brow. It was the first time she had ever interacted with him like that, but he found it extremely comforting.

  “I don’t know. I’m so confused.” He looked into her eyes anxiously. “Do you know what happened?”

  Her gaze fell down to his chest. “Well, they say she went to Elena’s condo. No one was there; she apparently had a key and let herself in. They found a chair pushed up against the railing on the back terrace and her purse lying next to it. A woman walking her dog found her.” She paused and frowned. “Her body was lying between the building and a metal dumpster.”

  “No one saw her jump?” Ben asked incredulously.

  “That’s what the police say. The balcony was on the back side of the building facing the water and evidently surrounded by trees. I really can’t believe it myself.” She paused again and sighed. “You look tired. Why don’t you take a shower? See if you can get some rest. It’s probably going to be rough around here for the next few days.”

  “I will, but …” He hesitated. “Did she seem depressed to you?”

  Agnes sat down on the couch and Ben cleared one of Jacob’s toys so he could sit next to her. “You know, at first I thought it had to be a mistake. I was sure they must have mixed up her identity with somebody else’s. But after a while, I began to think about some things that had been bothering me about Rachel over the last few months. There were signs. She seemed to be preoccupied by something.” Ben raised an eyebrow, and she continued. “She was distant and I could tell she wasn’t eating because she was losing so much weight. Elena said she noticed the same things. She had actually suspected Rachel was depressed.”

  “I just can’t believe she would do that to Jacob,” Ben said defiantly.

  “Yes, I know. That’s the saddest part.” She put her hand over his.

  “No note?” Ben was just unwilling to accept that Rachel was capable of taking her life.

  “No, but she did call Elena several times before it happened.”

  “It’s just not possible. I keep waiting for someone to jump out and say it’s all just some kind of sick joke.” He put his head into his big hands and moaned softly.

  “I’m so sorry, Ben,” was all she said.

  * * *

  It was Saturday. Ben drove to the funeral home with Edward in Rachel’s SUV. Her sunglasses were still sitting in the holder by the console and there was a tube of lipstick in one of the cup holders that kept rattling from the vibration of the car’s motor. It was the only sound in the car. Ben grabbed the lipstick and put it in his coat pocket.

  The day was gray and damp. The parlor was on the southwest side of town nestled between a local bank and a small gas station. As Ben walked towards the entrance, he noticed a large red tent assembled in the parking lot across the street. It was being used as a makeshift store for Christmas trees. Cars were driving away with pine trees secured to their roofs with straw twine. Christmas. Was it true that more suicides happened during the holidays? he wondered.

  When Ben walked inside the funeral home, he was struck by the abundance of fragrant bouquets of cream and pink roses. They nearly filled the room. His heart ached when he saw the polished, dark wood casket which was closed and surrounded by more bouquets and wreaths of flowers. Ben noticed someone had left a brown teddy bear sitting on the floor, propped up against one of the larger flower arrangements. Balanced on an easel next to the casket was a portrait of Rachel. The picture had been taken about a year after Jacob was born. She was sitting on a porch with Jacob in her lap. It appeared the photographer had caught her off guard. She looked directly at the camera. Her smile was big and genuine. Jacob was looking at her adoringly. From the corner of the room, an inconspicuous string quartet softly played Beethoven’s Symphony No. 3 in E-flat major.

  Ben wanted to go stand in the back of the parlor, in a corner all by himself. He didn’t feel like talking to anybody—he just wanted to cry—but he forced himself to follow Edward to the front of the room.

  Ben could feel the weight of people’s eyes on him as he and Edward took their places in the front pew. The minister came over to speak with Edward for a few moments as the mourners quietly began to fill the room. The mood in the parlor was somber and quiet. Many people looked genuinely moved. Ben heard people whispering their condolences, and a few were weeping. But the mood suddenly changed when Barbara Mosley walked in. Edward and Ben were listening to the minister’s instructions when Ben heard his mother’s voice and turned around to look at her. She was wearing a bright yellow pantsuit and plum-colored, patent leather pumps. She stood out from the relatively small crowd of family, friends and coworkers like a brilliant cockatiel in a gloomy pigeon coop.

  Ben closed his eyes. “Oh dear God, here we go,” Ben said under his breath.

  “Benjamin, Benjamin, come here child,” Barbara said in a loud, scratchy voice, walking towards him with her plump arms outstretched, ready to embrace him. Nearly everyone in the parlor turned to look at her as she made her way up the aisle. She had on thick makeup with dark, drawn-on, pencil-thin eyebrows, and her fine lips were stained with bright, ruby red lipstick. Her hair was short and wavy and dyed a brassy yellow-blond. “Come here, child, and give your mother a hug. How long have you been in town?” Ben didn’t respond. “Don’t look so glum, my son. It’s not a time to mourn.” She stood back and grabbed his arms. She looked at him and in a louder voice said, “It’s time to rejoice, for your sister is now in Heaven dancing with the angels. We should celebrate her life.”

  Ben hugged his mother and noticed that people were watching them. He suddenly felt feverish and resisted the urge to tell
her that she was making a complete spectacle of herself. He wanted to tell her he thought it was in very poor taste to come barging into a funeral home in brightly colored clothing, singing praises, crying out to be the center of attention at her own daughter’s memorial service. He wanted to tell her how ridiculous she was. He wanted to ask her how it was possible that his father was damned to eternal Hell for taking his life, but somehow Rachel was now dancing with the angels for doing the same thing. He wanted to say all of these things, but he didn’t. He held his tongue because, as angry as he was at that particular moment, he also felt sorry for her. He thought, perhaps in her disturbed brain, this was her way of coping with the loss.

  Barbara turned her attention to Edward. “Edward, where’s my beautiful grandson?”

  “At my mother’s. I really don’t think he’s ready for this.” Edward’s voice was detached and monotone.

  Ben remembered how Jacob had completely broken down the night before when they finally told him his mother had died. It was one of the hardest things Ben had ever witnessed. The child screamed and called Edward a liar. He kept calling out for his mommy and cried himself to sleep. When he woke the next morning and realized she wasn’t coming back, he cried again.

  “But, my dear Edward, death is part of life! It’s what makes life worth living. If we didn’t die, we would just keep going round and round on this carousel. We would have no purpose, no direction. Our real life begins when we die and ascend to the Lord’s side. You can’t keep that from a child.” She turned and looked around the room. “Oh, there’s Dr. Wilkinson. He probably wants to see me. I’ll be back,” she said and walked away.

  Ben looked at Edward apologetically and scratched his head. “I know I’ve said this before, but I really do think she’s finally gone over the edge.”

  “Yep,” Edward replied softly and soberly as he stared at the casket in front of him.

  Ben looked back to see his mother talking to Dr. Wilkinson. Ben was surprised; she seemed even more removed from reality than he had previously imagined. He frowned and hoped she wouldn’t make more of a scene than she already had.

  Just then, Elena and Jack walked into the funeral home. Elena was wearing dark sunglasses. Her black coat was open, exposing her pregnant belly, which protruded only slightly. Jack wore a classic tailored black suit and a glum expression. When Elena spotted Ben, she took off her glasses and quickly made her way over to him, Jack following closely behind. Ben and Elena held each other as tight as they could and she began to sob. Jack lowered his head and stood quietly at Elena’s side. After a few minutes, they let go of each other and wiped their faces.

  Jack went to hug Ben. “I am so sorry for your loss. She was such a special person. Like I told Edward, if there’s anything we can do, please let us know.”

  Ben cleared his throat. “Thank you, Jack.”

  “I just don’t understand why such a beautiful person with so much to live for would do something like this. It’s so, so very …”

  “Thank you, Jack,” Ben repeated tersely as he turned away.

  Edward was sitting now, staring straight ahead with no expression on his face. Elena quickly sat down next to him. Ben moved over to sit on Edward’s left, to avoid sitting by Jack.

  “Is everything alright?” Elena asked Edward. She cleared her throat. “What I mean is, do you like the way the service turned out?”

  Edward continued staring at the casket and did not reply.

  “Edward?”

  “Yeah?” He turned his head slowly and looked at her.

  “Do you like the way the service turned out?”

  “It’s fine, Elena. Everything’s fine.”

  It was then that Ben saw his mother walking up to the podium. When she got there, she adjusted the microphone to reach her mouth.

  “Oh no, no, no,” Ben said as his stomach dropped.

  Barbara tapped the microphone. “Is this on? Hello? Yes? Good afternoon, everyone,” she said with a slight smile and tilt of her head, which Ben assumed was an attempt at looking reassuring. “I’m Barbara Mosley, Rachel’s mother.” She paused for a moment and looked around the room. “And I just want to say a few words.”

  Edward and Elena simultaneously turned their heads to look at Ben. He noticed a few people in the pew beside him also glance in his direction. Even the minister looked over at him with a worried expression. Ben was mortified. All he could do was shake his head in disbelief.

  “I know many of you don’t know me, but let me say that no one here knew Rachel the way I did. Well, I am her mother, after all, so I’ve known her longer than anyone else.” She stopped and smiled again. “Let me tell you, she was suffering. Yes, suffering. She didn’t know how to handle all the evils in the world, but I’m here to tell you not to be sad, because now she’s dancing with the angels. She’s dancing and looking at all of us and wants us to be dancing, too, for she is with the Lord. It just goes to show you, no matter how good people seem to have it on the outside, if you don’t live for Jesus Christ, your life just doesn’t seem to be worth living.”

  Ben put his hand over his mouth in astonishment. He wanted to disappear.

  “My poor baby was weak, just like her father.” She nodded her head. “Yes, her father was weak, too. He took his life years ago. I’ve been through all this before. You know, the Devil can smell weakness like a hungry dog and throw you into the darkness, but only Jesus can bring light into your life. Young people think they know all the answers, right, Dr. Wilkinson?” She looked at him directly and waited for him to respond. He was noticeably uncomfortable, but gave a small nod in acknowledgement. “But you don’t know anything at all. Nothing. There is evil everywhere. Only Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And don’t be fooled by false prophets, Buddha or Mohammad or yoga or whatever. Only Jesus can save you.“

  Ben was now appalled. His sister’s dead body only a few feet away, his mother dressed like a clown in her canary-yellow outfit, giving this crazy speech—it was all so surreal. He was about to go up there and pull her off the microphone, but stopped himself, fearing she would resist and make a bigger scene.

  “So don’t make the same mistake. Accept Jesus into your life now, before it’s too late, and you will dance with Rachel one day. If you really care about her, then you have to live for Jesus.” She raised her arms towards the ceiling. “Be happy and live for Jesus. Thank you, that’s all I want to say. Rejoice, and God bless you.” She looked out at the people sitting in front of her, seemed satisfied, and proceeded to walk to the back of the parlor. The room was completely still and silent. You could hear each footstep she took in her purple shoes as she made her way to the back.

  Ben sunk low in his seat and slowly looked around the room to survey the damage. He saw people staring down at their shoes; some looking at each other with expressions that asked what was that all about?; and others glancing in his direction, obviously wondering how Rachel’s family was reacting. Edward grimaced, shaking his head while looking down at the floor. Ben was completely humiliated. He considered going up and saying something, anything to make up for what was undoubtedly the most bizarre eulogy anyone had ever heard. But then, to his relief, the funeral director stood and signaled the musicians to play a song.

  * * *

  After the service, Ben drove with Edward back to the house where some of the funeral attendees would meet. Edward drove in silence for nearly the entire trip. Ben was bewildered, dying for a drink and still recoiling at the thought of his mother’s speech. He couldn’t believe how unfair life was. He wondered how it was possible that someone like his mother could live such an uncompromising and resolved life while someone like Rachel could become so desperate as to take her own. His mother, whom he had admired as a small child but couldn’t stand once he was old enough to know better, was nothing but an embarrassment to him now. He silently wished that his mother was in Rachel’s place.

  When they walked inside the house, he noticed that Elena and Jack were busy hosting the gathering, pass
ing out coffee and pastries. Ben went directly to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine from the rack above the refrigerator. He helped himself to a full glass of pinot noir. He gulped down the contents and quickly refilled the glass. He pushed his fingers through his hair and loosened his tie as he dragged himself into the living room.

  Jack caught his eye. Ben observed him making his way through the small crowd with a grief-struck look, stopping occasionally to console a mourner. He watched him move around the house, speaking softly, saying things like, “Yes, it’s so tragic. She was such a beautiful woman with so much to live for,” or “Yes, she did take her life at our home. It’s crazy. Elena and I are thinking about moving.” The more Ben watched Jack, the more he felt like confronting him, telling him to stop this charade. Ben wanted Jack to know that he knew about what he and Rachel did and that it might have been what drove Rachel to take her life. He watched Jack with more and more contempt until he finished off his wine and went back into the kitchen to refill his glass again. He had nearly emptied the bottle.

  For a moment, Ben wondered if it would be rude to just leave now and come back once everyone was gone. Instead, he walked around the house and accepted condolences from various guests by nodding his head and smiling politely. He stopped and spoke with an old childhood friend he hadn’t seen in years. He kept the conversation short, a few hugs and hellos, then excused himself after just a few minutes. He needed some fresh air. Jack was standing by the back door talking to Edward, so Ben decided to try the side door. He walked through the dining room with his wine glass in one hand and the nearly empty bottle in the other. And that’s when he saw her.

  Barbara was standing by the antique dining table, looking at Rachel’s family pictures hanging on the wall. She had her Bible tucked under one arm. She turned to look at Ben as he walked into the room.