Just Between Us

by Cathy Kelly

  ‘Mum.’ There was utter astonishment in Holly’s face.

  ‘Hello, love, I was up doing some shopping and I thought I’d surprise you,’ said Rose.

  ‘You have. Mum, this is Bunny, my friend. Bunny, this is my mother.’

  ‘Hello, Mrs Miller,’ said Bunny. ‘I’ve got to say, you two really look alike.’

  She gazed from mother to daughter. Holly’s wide-spaced eyes were shyer than her mother’s, but otherwise, they were the image of each other.

  Rose beamed. ‘Thank you for the compliment,’ she said. ‘I don’t suppose we could have lunch, Holly?’

  ‘I’m not due to go for another half an hour,’ Holly said, looking at Bunny who nodded, ‘but Bunny will cover for me.’

  ‘They’ve really changed the store,’ remarked Rose as the two of them took the escalator to the ground floor. ‘I haven’t been here for so long, I hardly recognised the place.’

  ‘You need to visit more often,’ Holly replied lightly.

  They walked out of the store and Holly led the way to a small coffee shop. ‘Is there something wrong, Mum?’ she asked as they sat down at a tiny table in the window.

  Rose sighed. ‘I deserve that,’ she said. ‘If I came to see you more often, you wouldn’t automatically assume there was some tragedy if I do turn up.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant,’ Holly said quickly. ‘It’s just…’

  ‘That I never come to see you. I’m sorry. That’s why I’m here: to sort out this problem between the two of us.’

  Holly’s eyes grew wary. ‘What problem?’

  ‘Holly, we know it exists and it’s my fault. I want to make it right.’

  ‘D’yawanna order?’ A gum-chewing waitress stood over them, boredom dripping from every pore.

  Rose could see that Holly was too startled to speak. ‘Two tuna sandwiches on brown?’ She looked to Holly for approval. Holly smiled weakly.

  ‘Two mineral waters, one still, one sparkling,’ continued Rose. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘D’wanteaorcoffee?’

  ‘Not now,’ said Rose firmly.

  The waitress shuffled off.

  ‘Is tuna fish all right for you?’ Rose asked.

  Holly smiled again. Rose didn’t know how she was going to do this but she had to. She ploughed on: ‘I’m making amends, you see. Freddie and I were talking about your father and I was so angry for what he’d done and then Freddie, quite rightly, asked me if I’d ever hurt anyone. She was trying to show me that we all make mistakes but we have to move on. And,’ Rose found she couldn’t bear to look into her daughter’s huge dark eyes any more and she stared down at her hands which she realised she was clasping and unclasping. ‘I said I’d hurt you because of the post-natal depression I went through when you were born.’

  ‘What? I never knew you had that.’ Holly was incredulous. ‘Nobody told me.’

  ‘Nobody knew,’ Rose admitted. ‘It was my big secret but it affected you and I never told you. I’m so sorry, love.’

  She reached across the table and held Holly’s unprotesting hands.

  She could see the tears swell up in her daughter’s eyes, could see Holly battling with them so they wouldn’t fall.

  ‘I thought it was because you’d wanted a little boy instead of me,’ she said finally.

  ‘Never,’ cried Rose. ‘I was so happy to have you. Midway through the pregnancy, the doctor told us you were a boy at first, but that wasn’t it at all. Oh, Holly, it’s so hard to explain. It was nothing to do with you, the problem was me.’

  ‘Tell me, then. We have lots of time,’ said Holly.

  Rose cast her mind back twenty-eight years.

  She’d been so excited in the early stages of pregnancy but towards the end, Rose had felt so tired all the time. Stella was a self-reliant little girl of nine, but Tara was a demanding five-year-old who needed a lot of attention and who didn’t understand that her heavily-pregnant mother wasn’t able to rush around after her. By the time the baby was due, Rose thought she’d never give birth. Instead of being eager for her baby to be born, as she had been with Stella and Tara, she was eager for the whole procedure to be over. But even that proved to be complicated. After an agonising thirty-three-hour labour, Holly was born by caesarean.

  Rose could still remember lying exhausted in the hospital bed, feeling that dull ache deep in her belly and the rush of nausea from the morphine. A screaming Holly lay beside her in the hospital cot and the kind, rushed-off-their-feet nurses didn’t have time to do more than pick Holly up and place her gently in Rose’s arms.

  ‘You’ve two other little girls, haven’t you? So you’re an old hand at this,’ they smiled at Rose.

  The pain and the misery overwhelmed Rose and she felt as if she couldn’t possibly cope with this new baby, a baby who never seemed to stop crying. How could such a tiny creature make so much noise? Surely Stella and Tara hadn’t cried so much? Glancing round the ward, she saw other mothers joyfully holding their new-born babies and Rose envied them for their happiness and their ability to cope.

  The trail of delighted family members who visited all adored little Holly and told Rose, by now forcing herself to smile, how lucky she was. If only she felt lucky.

  Everything would be better when she was home from hospital, she told herself. Being stuck in a busy ward and listening to other crying children, that was the problem. In the comfort of her own home, both she and Holly would settle. But when she got home, things got worse. Hugh did his best and Angela was great for taking care of Tara and Stella so that Rose had time to spend on Holly. But nothing Rose did seemed to help her new baby settle down, and exhaustion and misery engulfed Rose like a tidal wave of darkness. She told nobody how she felt because how could she? Covering up this shameful secret seemed to be the only option. What sort of person felt a sinking misery in her heart when she heard her baby cry? What type of mother wanted it all to go away so she could crawl into her bed until the despair and unhappiness receded?

  She felt an unnatural mother, as if nobody else had ever felt that way. How could she not love Holly? What was wrong with her?

  ‘Looking back, I don’t know why I kept it to myself,’ Rose said quietly. ‘I think Angela guessed but I pushed her away. I refused to let anyone in, I didn’t want anyone to know that I’d gone through this. Pride is a terrible thing.’

  ‘You were depressed,’ cried Holly, ‘you weren’t up to making decisions. Don’t be so hard on yourself.’

  Dear Holly, she was so kind and forgiving, Rose thought. ‘Pride was part of it in the years after,’ she said. ‘If only I’d told you what I’d gone through, then you might have understood. I felt such huge guilt that I wasn’t a very good mother for probably the first nine months of your life. And when you were a teenager and we weren’t getting on, I felt as if it was all my fault for how I’d behaved when you were a baby. I thought you somehow knew and blamed me.’

  ‘That wasn’t it,’ Holly admitted. ‘I honestly thought you’d wanted a boy instead of me. You see, Adele told me you’d had a name picked out and everything, and after that, I felt so unwanted. It sounds so ridiculous to say it but…’

  Rose could have cried. ‘Blast Adele,’ she said vehemently. ‘We had lots of names and when we thought you were going to be a boy, we liked Emlyn for some reason. God knows why, it’s not a name I’d pick now, but, Holly, you must never imagine that we didn’t want you. Please believe me. I went through post-natal depression, I wasn’t myself. It was nothing to do with you.’

  The waitress thumped two sandwiches and two glasses of water onto the table.

  Rose was too distraught now to even say thank you, so Holly did. Then, she stared firmly at her mother. ‘Now listen, Mum, stop getting upset. It was a bit of a mix-up and I should have known better than to listen to Adele.’

  ‘I still can’t believe that you spent years thinking we wanted a boy instead of you, Holly. That’s terrible.’ Bitterness at those wasted years welled up in Rose’s heart. S
he had failed Holly. She should have seen what was wrong and fixed it instead of letting the misery fester like an open wound. ‘Please forgive me, please tell me we can start again.’

  ‘Of course we can.’ This time, it was as if Holly was the mother, the one who nurtured and protected. ‘I can’t believe I ever thought that,’ Holly said ruefully. ‘I should have known better but I felt so insecure and that seemed like the reason. I suppose I wanted something to blame for how I felt.’

  ‘And I was the one to blame all along,’ said her mother sadly.

  ‘You weren’t,’ insisted Holly. ‘I wanted there to be a reason for me feeling insecure and shy, I wanted something to blame. It’s easier to blame something or someone than to face up to yourself. I am what I am and changing that is down to me.’

  ‘But I’m your mother and I should have helped, I should have understood your insecurity.’

  ‘You did help and you’re helping now.’ Holly spoke so genuinely that Rose felt the first vestiges of comfort. ‘I love you, Mum, and I know you love me, isn’t that all that matters? Let’s put everything else behind us?’

  Tears fell onto Rose’s sandwich but she didn’t mind. Who needed food at such a moment?

  ‘We’ve got to eat up,’ Holly said apologetically. ‘I’ve only got another fifteen minutes for lunch.’

  Holly wolfed down her sandwich, while Rose nibbled hers. ‘During Freddie’s lecture, she told me I wasn’t entirely blameless over the matter of your father’s affairs,’ she said.

  Holly listened wide-eyed as she ate.

  ‘I knew for years and I went along with it. I should have confronted him and told him he was damaging our marriage. I honestly don’t think he knew what it would do to me. For him, it was diversion, a bit of fun.’

  ‘He’s sorry now,’ Holly said. ‘He’s shattered that you left him, Mum, and he’s so sorry. He’d do anything to turn back the clock.’

  ‘You’re a good daughter,’ Rose smiled. ‘You took care of him.’

  ‘He needed looking after,’ Holly said simply. ‘It wasn’t a matter of choosing sides. But he needed me most.’ She hesitated before asking the question she most wanted to know the answer to. ‘Do you think there’s any hope you’ll make it up?’

  ‘I don’t know. I needed to resolve this between us before I thought about your father,’ Rose pointed out. ‘This was more important.’

  Despite her constant worry about Hugh, Holly felt a burst of pride at the knowledge that she was the most important thing on her mother’s mind. ‘He loves you,’ she said quickly. She had to stand up for her dad.

  ‘I know,’ Rose said. ‘I know. I just have to decide what to do. I’ve made such a mess of things, haven’t I? Hurting you and not dealing with the problems in my marriage.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ said Holly, feeling guilty for having said the wrong thing. ‘I’m the one with the disastrous love life,’ she added.

  ‘You never tell me about your boyfriends,’ Rose said quietly.

  ‘There’s never been much to tell,’ Holly joked. ‘When I fell in love with Richie Murdoch, I started a long line of hopeless romances.’

  ‘You never told me what went wrong with Richie, either.’

  Holly winced. ‘I wanted you to guess, to be honest. He dumped me and I didn’t want anyone to know.’

  ‘I knew what he’d done all right, the little pig, but I got the impression you didn’t want sympathy from me. Your father told me that you’d talked to him about Richie. I felt like a terrible mother at that point, because it was clear that you preferred to talk to your father about having your heart broken. Stella and Tara both told me their problems and you didn’t.’

  ‘Oh, Mum,’ Holly said sadly. ‘I never knew. I thought you didn’t have a clue about Richie.’

  Rose shrugged gracefully. ‘Your father and I did talk, you know,’ she said. ‘You confided more in him than in me.’

  ‘I met Richie at the ruby wedding party,’ Holly said, suddenly grinning.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ Rose interrupted. ‘His mother begged, she had nobody else to drive her and I meant to warn you that he was coming…’

  ‘It was OK, really,’ Holly said. ‘He was flirting like mad with me but I was very cool and collected. He even wanted my phone number.’

  ‘I hope you didn’t give it to him.’ Rose was enraged at the cheek of him.

  ‘I implied that I didn’t believe in revisiting old ground,’ Holly said proudly.

  ‘What about new ground?’ asked her mother shyly.

  Holly waved at the waitress to ask for a coffee and then began the story of Tom.

  ‘I’m over him,’ she said at the end. ‘It seemed a bit stupid to long for a man who was engaged to someone else.’

  ‘He cheated on her with you?’ said Rose dubiously.

  Holly shook her head. ‘Nothing so scandalous, I’m afraid. Ours was the most innocent relationship in the history of Windmill Terrace. The two little old ladies in the basement probably have wilder sex lives than I do. We talked, and laughed, and…’ Holly closed her eyes and remembered all the things they’d done. Saying it out loud, her relationship with Tom sounded as thrilling as a one-person party, but it had been thrilling. Her entire being had come alive when she was with him. How did you put that into words? ‘I could talk to him. I’ve never been much good at talking to men. Kenny doesn’t count, but you know what I mean. Tom was my friend. Perhaps that was the problem.’ Holly looked exasperated with herself. ‘The first man I can talk to and I think it’s the passion of the century.’

  ‘He liked you too, though?’

  Holly nodded. ‘I suppose I was waiting for him to make the first move and he didn’t, and then his girlfriend came on the scene. Tara says forget him.’ She looked to her mother to see if Rose agreed with this piece of advice.

  ‘Tara’s Tara, and you’re you, Holly. Is he worth fighting for?’

  ‘There’s no point any more,’ Holly explained. ‘He’s engaged, Caroline has the wedding of the century planned, probably complete with the London Philharmonic playing something to symbolise her true love for Tom as she walks up the aisle in a wedding gown trimmed with a thousand rosebuds, with a dove in her hand.’

  ‘That sounds a bit over the top,’ said Rose, who was as romantic as the next person.

  ‘Yeah, Caroline believes in romance with a big W. Womance.’

  Rose screwed up her nose fastidiously. ‘She sounds awful. You should save him from her.’

  ‘That was Kenny’s plan. He dragged in three beautiful male models to flirt with Caroline and let her see that the world was her oyster, and why tie herself down with marriage just yet.’ Holly smiled. ‘Kenny should never have got satellite television. He’s been watching too many romantic comedies where that type of thing happens with great regularity.’

  ‘Like where the Julia Roberts character gets Rupert Everett to pretend to be her boyfriend and it makes her ex jealous?’

  ‘I love that film,’ sighed Holly. ‘Funnily enough, she doesn’t get the man at the end, either! But, she doesn’t mind; she’s happy without him. If only real life was as simple as it is in films.’

  ‘It could be,’ said her mother. ‘You should tell Tom how you feel.’

  Holly shook her head. ‘Tom’s the past. It’s over. That’s why I walked out of his engagement party. What was the point of driving myself insane by trying to remain friends with him? I don’t want to be friends with him. I’m crazy about him. Was crazy about him,’ she amended. ‘I needed a clean break. You can’t just be friends if you really fancy someone.’

  ‘When Harry Met Sally!’ smiled her mother.

  ‘Exactly. So Tom is in the past and I have a good future ahead of me.’ Holly spoke firmly. ‘Secondly, I’m going for the job in the international fashion department. Gabriella’s leaving and I know I can do it. I’m not afraid of it any more.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you,’ said Rose, her voice quivering with emotion.

  Holly’
s smile was sweet as she leaned across the empty plates and stroked her mother’s hand. ‘I know,’ she said.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  ‘Oh Mummy, it was great and Daddy came too but he said he was scared! I wasn’t.’ Amelia was gleeful at the notion that she hadn’t minded the scary bit of the Snow White train journey in Euro Disney, but her father had.

  Stella smiled at the phone, happy that Amelia was enjoying her holiday but miserable because she’d have loved to have been the one taking darling Amelia to Disney. Well, her and Nick. They’d talked about it often enough but now, it was hardly an option. So when Glenn had suggested that he take their daughter to the theme park as part of his two-week holiday with her in June, Stella hadn’t felt able to disagree. It was important that Glenn had a good relationship with Amelia and Stella now knew enough about fractured families to know that she didn’t want to use Amelia in some sort of divorced parents’ power struggle. Time spent with Glenn was for Amelia’s good and Stella had told Glenn that it was vital he kept in touch with Amelia more regularly.

  ‘She needs to grow up knowing you’re a part of her life, and that she’s a part of yours,’ Stella had said.

  ‘Yeah, I worry that she’ll forget about me,’ Glenn said. ‘I try to keep in touch but you know what I’m like. I’ve never been good at birthdays and stuff.’

  ‘I know,’ Stella replied crisply. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t let you forget in future. This is for Amelia.’

  ‘Bye, Mummy, miss you,’ said Amelia, sounding plaintive for the first time in her excited monologue about Disney.

  ‘I miss you too, darling, but you’ll be home soon and you’ve got lots of exciting things to do,’ Stella said cheerily, not wanting to upset Amelia by letting her know just how much she missed her.

  ‘ ‘kay,’ said Amelia. ‘Bye.’

  Stella hung up and went back into the kitchen where she was making cheese on toast for her dinner. With Amelia gone, and Nick more or less out of her life, Stella didn’t feel like bothering with proper food.