Rock the Cradle of Love

by Jen FitzGerald

  The three-and-a-half-hour drive to Big Spring is not conducive to his nerves at all. There’s too much time to ponder all the things that could go wrong. He pushes those thoughts aside, though, and thinks about Taylor instead. About this past week and the time they’ve spent together. It’s been domestic bliss mostly. They hang out, care for Emma, cook together, and sleep together—mainly in the slumber sense of the word. They’ve made out just about every night, but Taylor’s kept his word and hasn’t pushed Noah into doing anything he hasn’t been ready to do. Last night, though, Noah’d wanted to go a bit farther, to do something for Taylor, to reward his patience, and had ended up giving Taylor a hand job. Wringing that kind of pleasure from Taylor had been surprising and satisfying in a way he’d never imagined he could feel.

  Noah’s one lukewarm sexual encounter where both parties had climaxed paled in comparison to Taylor’s intense orgasm at Noah’s hand. His stuttered breathing, the writhing, his obscenity-laced speech. Noah’d never seen someone enjoy arousal so much. Not that he had any experience except movies and television and even those’re tame in comparison to a real live moment. The encounter was amazing and a little bit overwhelming, to be honest. And Taylor’d been so appreciative of the warm washcloth Noah’d brought to clean him up with, as if no one’d ever done that for him before. Turns out, no one had. They’d cuddled afterward and Noah fell asleep feeling wanted and cherished in a way he never thought possible.

  Thoughts of Taylor led to thoughts of hockey and Noah wonders how acquiring a boyfriend and a baby are going to affect training and playing next season. But nothing has to be figured out right now. The buildings of Big Spring come into view and thoughts of Emma and his suit for paternity return full force. The only thing that matters right now is making sure he gets to keep Emma. His blood thrums in his veins and his fingers drum nervously on the steering wheel until he pulls into the parking lot of Ms. Padget’s firm.

  * * *

  Noah takes a seat in a banquette at one of his and his mother’s favorite sit-down restaurants. He sees her enter and waves. A moment later, she’s walking his way. He stands up to hug her, dwarfing her in his embrace. They haven’t seen one another in months, but she looks the same. Battleship gray hair in a messy bun held together by jade green chopsticks; pale blue eyes; few wrinkles in spite of her fifty-seven years. She’s wearing her usual hippie-cum-eccentric-professor outfit consisting of a long flowing denim skirt and a loosely crocheted shawl thing in variegated blues over a white tee shirt.

  “Mom, hi, I missed you.”

  “I missed you, too, sweetheart,” she says as they both take their seats. “How are you doing? I’m sorry you didn’t make it into the playoffs.”

  He shrugs. “Eh…I’m disappointed, of course, but it turned out for the best.” So much has happened in his life in the last few weeks; everyone else seems to be dwelling on their miss more than he is.

  “Right. We haven’t really talked about Julia and Emma either. Brenda’s called me several times, accusing you of brainwashing Julia. I had no idea what to say.”

  “What? You’re kidding?” Noah’s fists clench and his shoulders tighten up. Why would Brenda ever think that? Cripes, she was his babysitter for how many years? “That’s a load of horse crap, and you know it, Mom,” he says, snappier than he intended. He’s immediately contrite. “God, I’m sorry, but that’s just so ridiculous. Julia felt forced to keep Emma. She told me she’d planned on giving Emma up.”

  His mother’s eyebrows rise, but she says, “Noah, that’s between the two of them.”

  “It should have been,” he agrees and nods, “but Julia’s an adult. She should have been able to make the decision. She felt like she had to accede to her mother’s wishes because Brenda’s paying for school.”

  “Noah, honey, you have to give the baby back.”

  He’s shaking his head before she finishes speaking. They’ll have to pry Emma’s precious little self from his arms. “That’s not going to happen, Mom. Julia and I have talked, and I just came from an appointment with a family law attorney.”

  Mom’s eyes go wide and her lips purse.

  “Julia doesn’t want to be a mom. Do you know how many times she called me in tears with Emma crying in the background?” Those phone calls had killed him. Especially when he’d been on a roadie and he’d have had to desert the team and catch a plane in order to get to her. He’d have done it though, if it had come right down to it.

  Mom’s eyes get even bigger. “No…”

  “At least weekly, Mom. Sometimes twice a week, there at the end. Emma has colic, Julia probably has post-partum depression. And as far as I know, Brenda did precious little to help, aside from watch Emma while Julia attended class.” Much as he appreciates all Brenda did for him when he was young, he could strangle her right now.

  Mom sighs, and she’s quiet for a moment, studying him. “Have you thought about how you’re going to juggle hockey and parenting?”

  The server brings two glasses of water, takes their drink requests, and leaves a couple of menus. “I’ll be back shortly to take your order.”

  Noah nods to the young woman and turns back to his mom. It’s Noah’s turn to sigh. “Some. A little. I’m not sure yet, but I’ll figure it out. I have a couple of months to sort things, and Emma and I are already bonding. I’m not giving her up unless I have to.” She’s the child he thought he’d never have, and he’s wanted a big family since living with Steve and Marisol. He’s got plenty of money, so he’s not really sweating a legal battle in and of itself. It’s Brenda’s influence on Julia that still worries him.

  “What do I tell Brenda?” Mom asks. “We’ve been friends a long time.”

  “Butt out?”

  “Noah.”

  “No. I know. Sorry.” He fiddles with his silverware bundle. “Um, I guess that custody of Emma is between Julia and me?”

  Mom looks surprised by his words, and he’s not sure why until she asks, “Is Emma yours?”

  Noah laughs. “No, Mom.” He and Julia are like cousins, almost like brother and sister. He could no more have sex with her than he could with, well, anyone. Except Taylor. The thought of being intimate with Taylor thrills him and terrifies him at the same time. Taylor’s been patient, but Noah knows he wants more. Of course, now’s definitely not the time to be thinking about that…not sitting in a public place with his mother.

  “Oh, okay…well, your last statement was a bit misleading.”

  “How so?”

  “Saying that custody of Emma is between you and Julia makes it sound as if you’re Emma’s father.”

  Noah frowns. “Nothing in that statement implies I’m Emma’s father.”

  Mom chuckles. “Technically, you’re correct, but people are going to make assumptions because you and Julia are such good friends, and because they won’t be able to fathom why else you’d want to take custody of a three-month-old if she’s not.

  “Where is Emma’s biological father in all this?”

  With a shake of his head, he says, “Not interested in fatherhood. He offered to pay for an abortion, but wanted nothing to do with a child.”

  Mom puts a hand to her mouth and shakes her head. “That’s honest, at least, if not sad and his loss.”

  “Right. His loss, my gain.”

  “Yeah. Noah, if you do this, it’s going to go public. Whether it’s going to be a big story or a little story, I have no idea. But you’d probably better give your PR and HR teams a heads up.”

  “Yeah, Coach mentioned that.”

  “Have you done it?”

  He nods and takes a drink of water.

  “Honey…” She sits back and gives him hard look. “Are you sure about this? Being a single parent isn’t easy.”

  She speaks from experience, having been artificially inseminated and raising him on her own.

  “I know, Mom, I do. But you and I both know that me finding someone to spend my life with is going to be difficult enough.” Except of cou
rse, he’s got Taylor now, whom he needs to mention at some point. “Trying to have kids will be a definite challenge, and this might be the only chance I’ll have.”

  “So many actors are adopting kids, you know. I don’t think it’s going to be as difficult as you think.”

  “Maybe not, but look, Julia needs to not be a mom, Emma needs a home, and I want a family.”

  “Plenty of families would take Emma.”

  “Mom—why are you trying so hard to talk me out of this? You’re the one who taught me to work hard and go after my dreams. You’re the one who taught me to never give up. You’re the one who taught me to always help others if I had the power to do so.”

  She sighs and fights a smile. “I did, didn’t I? It’s just…you’re so young. And single. And that baby needs a mother.”

  Noah’s eyebrows go up. Now it’s his turn to be surprised. “Why? Why does she need a mother specifically?”

  “Well, because.” Mom shrugs. “She just does.”

  “That’s not a good enough answer, Mom. I understand that studies show that stable two-parent homes are ideal, but the world just doesn’t work that way. I mean, you chose to have a kid at thirty-three without the benefit of marriage or even a special man in your life.

  “No one questioned that because you’re an educated woman, and you were able to provide for me. And I’m not complaining about our life at all. I’m not. There were plenty of men at the college and in my life as coaches and the dads of my teammates. And of course Steve. But I want to know why you think my daughter needs a mom over a dad—over me—who you know is going to love her and dote on her and give her everything she could possibly need. Why, Mom?”

  Mom’s eyes get watery and then she’s blinking away the tears. “You’re right, baby. I’m sorry. I grew up in a time that was biased toward motherhood, and fathers weren’t as hands on. You’ll be a great dad.”

  “I am a great dad, actually.” He can’t help the smile. “We’ve bonded and things are going really well finally.”

  “Finally?” One of Mom’s eyebrows arches.

  “The first three days were tough, I’ll admit. Emma cried a lot and I was so exhausted from the end of the season, I was barely keeping up with it all. Luckily, Taylor showed up and took care of Emma and me both.”

  “Well, thank him for me.”

  “I will.” And now that Taylor’s been brought into the conversation, Noah needs to segue into the fact that they’re seeing each other.

  “So tell me about Emma then,” his mother says. “I assume you’re taking pictures?”

  “Of course.”

  “Let me see her—this granddaughter-to-be of mine.”

  He finds his pictures and hands his phone over. His mother oohs and aahs over his baby girl, swiping through images. It’s not until her eyebrows draw together, that Noah’s stomach starts churning. He’s not sure what picture she’s seeing right now, but it’s one with Taylor, no doubt.

  Which is good. It’s the opening he needs.

  His mother turns the phone toward him.

  “Excuse me—aren’t you Noah Drinkwater?” asks a young boy. There’s a teenaged girl behind him. They’re both smiling widely.

  His mother sets his phone facedown on the table.

  Whatever conversation they’re going to have is on hold for a few minutes. He tucks his irritation away, plasters a smile on his face, and offers a hand. “Nice to meet you…?”

  “Seth Morgan,” says the boy, sliding his hand into Noah’s. His grin shows two missing teeth. “This is my sister, Stephanie.”

  “Nice to meet you guys. My mom can take a picture, if you like.” He nods to his mother, who’s now grinning delightedly. This is one of the few times he’s been approached by fans when he’s been with her.

  Stephanie hands her phone to his mom and steps in behind Noah. Seth is at his side.

  “Thanks so much, Mr. Drinkwater,” says Seth after Noah’s mom snaps a couple of pictures. “Sorry ‘bout the end of your season.”

  “Oh, thanks, Seth.” Noah’d forget they tanked if everyone would let him. He smiles at the boy. “Enjoy your meal.”

  “Well, that was interesting,” says his mom when the kids are out of hearing range. She’s still smiling.

  “One of the reasons I don’t go out all that often. We couldn’t do what we do without the fans, I know, but sometimes we like to be normal people too.”

  “Aw, honey…” She reaches across the table and curls a hand around his wrist.

  The server sets Noah’s water and his mom’s sweet tea on the table along with a basket of rolls and a couple of small plastic cups filled with whipped butter. “Are you ready to order?” she asks. They are, and they do.

  When the server leaves again, Mom taps the back of his phone. “So…?”

  He’s not sure what she saw, so he unlocks his phone to see an image of Taylor blowing raspberries on Emma’s stomach and Emma shrieking with laughter. He sighs a small sigh of relief that he still gets to tell his mother rather than explain after the fact. A ball of warmth glows inside him too, that he actually has something like this to tell her and his grin widens.

  An expression of expectation settles on her face.

  “That’s Taylor, my linemate. You’ve met him before. He was like a knight in shining armor. He and Emma bonded too.”

  Mom smiles. “So I see.”

  Noah slides through a handful of additional images to a selfie of him and Taylor. They’re cuddling on the couch, Taylor’s sitting in the vee of Noah’s legs and resting his head on Noah’s shoulder. Taylor’d turned and pressed a kiss to Noah’s jaw at the last moment. Noah fights the blush at the memory of their groping session that followed. He shifts in his seat and takes a little breath. He refocuses on the picture. Despite Taylor’s unexpected movement, the image came out clear. He hands the phone back to his mom. “Taylor and I bonded too.”

  Her gaze drops from his face to the phone and her smile fades. He can’t read her expression, and his hands go damp. She’s studying the picture. His stomach gurgles, and he swallows before taking a sip of water. He was sure she wouldn’t care. She knows about his asexuality, which doesn’t automatically mean he’d go for another man, but it does mean he’s different. And she’s taking an awful long time to react. He’s going to hyperventilate in a moment if she doesn’t.

  “Mom, God, say something.”

  She looks up, eyes shiny. “Oh, Noah.” She sniffles, and he doesn’t know if those are good tears or bad tears because her mouth is all scrunched up. “You look so happy, honey. I’m so pleased for you.”

  Noah lets out a whoosh of breath and grins brightly. She finally smiles too.

  Taking up her napkin, she dabs at her eyes. “How long have you two been together? Oh, and I expect some copies of a few of those, if you don’t mind. Of Emma, as well as that one of you and Taylor.”

  Noah goes into detail on how Taylor had shown up three days after Julia had dropped Emma off and how he’d gone into caretaker mode. “He’s sweet and kind-hearted, loves kids, and has a lot of patience with me.”

  “I’m glad, honey.”

  Their food arrives, and talk turns to Mom’s classes this semester and the new gardener she hired, and they discuss his visit with the family law attorney, and then make plans for Noah and Emma—and Taylor’s—summer visit. It’s mid-afternoon before he’s in the car headed home. Home. That has a much nicer connotation these days.

  Chapter Eight

  Noah makes it home shortly after dinnertime. He walks in to find Taylor on the floor with Emma lying on his torso. His arms are raised to box her in and there’s an Xbox controller is in his hands. Warmth curls through Noah’s chest at the sight of the two of them. This is a pleasant scene to come home to. He hopes it lasts, but he and Taylor still need to talk.

  Taylor pauses the game and drops the controller. Curling an arm around Emma, he rolls to his feet in a graceful move that belies the fact that he’s a two-hundred-pound righ
t winger. “Ems, Daddy’s home,” he sing-songs before kissing Noah sweetly.

  Emma grins widely and throws herself at Noah, arms outstretched.

  Noah swoops her up and kisses her head. “Hi, baby girl. Did you and Uncle Taylor have a good day?”

  “We did. She didn’t really have a crying jag today; just your normal fussy for feeding or changing.”

  “Yeah?”

  Taylor nods. “Yeah.”

  “That’s awesome, sweet pea.” Even though Taylor’s seen her at her worst already, Noah still worries that her crying will be too much.

  “So how’d it go with the attorney?”

  They take seats on the barstools, and Noah settles Emma in his lap, making her play patty cake. She kicks her legs in seeming delight.

  “Ms. Padget said there’s no issue. If Julia wants to give up Emma to me, there’s very little her mom can do to prevent that. I have the names of several other firms that handle family law and adoptions for Julia to call. This could be taken care of in weeks.”

  Taylor leans forward and kisses Noah’s mouth and then Emma’s head. “That’s…wow…that’s soon. It’s awesome.”

  Noah nods. He’s felt giddy all afternoon because of it. “I can hardly believe it. I just want it all to be over and done with so I don’t have to worry anymore.”

  “And your mom? Did you tell her about us? How’d she take it?” Taylor’s expression becomes questioning.

  Noah grins. “She’s happy for me, for us. Wants us to come visit this summer. She and I usually spend a week at her timeshare on Lake Tahoe, and she says you have to come too.”

  “I’d love that, Noah. And I know my family will want to meet you and Emma as well, so we’ll have to coordinate family vacations.”

  “Let’s get through the adoption first and then we can plan whatever you want. Right now though, I want to get out of this suit and spend the rest of the evening relaxing. You staying?”

  “If you want me to.”

  “I never thought I’d have this, Taylor. Of course, I want you to stay.”