by TJ Rudolph
I didn’t respond to that, I knew that he was wrong, no matter how well he thought he knew him, Chase made it clear that we were nothing more than friends.
“Sebastian, you and I are friends. I would hate for Chase to determine who I can and cannot be friends with, but I don’t want to complicate your friendship either. So if you want to leave, I won’t hold it against you.”
He shook his head. “I’ll speak to him tonight. You’re right, I like hanging out with you too.”
Great, I thought as I took the pizza out of the oven, I have another friend. Agatha would be so proud.
I tried to keep my mind of Chase as Sebastian and I dug into the pizza. I found out that evening that Sebastian was a really funny guy; he took a gap year and travelled abroad which also made him really interesting to listen to. We lost track of time when we heard laughter in the hallway. Sebastian looked at his watch, “I’d better get going,” he said.
I walked with him to the door and I was about to close it when Chase stumbled past me with a brown haired bombshell draped over his arm. He stopped for a moment to look at me and then grabbed the girl and pulled her back to the exit.
“Where are we going?” she asked in a sickening sweet voice which sounded like it didn’t belong to her.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said.
I slammed the door angrily and felt my heart sink. Chase Ryder was a lying drunk. How could that be the same guy who went home with mw just a few days ago? “Don’t do that, Grace,” I told myself, “you know what kind of guy he is and you are just friends.”
“Who are you just friends with?” I heard Aaron’s voice.
“Aaron,” I said as I tried to smile at him.
“Hey, what’s got you so upset?”
I went to sit down and dropped my head in my hands. “Guys are so complicated. I’m not well equipped to deal with them. I mean you were never like this.”
“It sounds to me as though you really like this guy.”
“I did…I don’t…I mean I don’t know. I am trying, Aaron, I want to let people in but with what happened in my past, with you. I don’t think I can, I don’t think that I can give my heart to another person on this planet.”
“Gracy,” he said as he reached over and let his hand linger on top of mine. “You have to stop. All this hurting, not trusting people it won’t end well.”
“But how do I know who to trust, Aaron, who do I let in?”
“You practically raised yourself, Grace, I have no doubt that you’ll figure it out. And hey, if you do trust the wrong person, just pick yourself up and learn from it. It’s not the worst thing that can happen. You holding onto the hurt because you think it’s keeping you close to what is real, but it’s not, Gracy. It’s damaging you.”
“As if I need to be more screwed up,” I snorted.
He shook his head, “you’re not screwed up, you just have to remember who you were before all of this. Before I left.”
There was a knock on the door and Aaron disappeared.
When I opened it up Bobby was standing outside. “Hey, girly, just checking to see if you’re okay?”
“Yes,” I smiled I am fine, “how was your date?”
She pursed her lips together. “It went better than I expected. He is smart and funny and amazing,” she gushed. He is waiting outside, apparently he has more surprises.”
“And you left him waiting to check on me, just go,” I said shoving her forward. I didn’t want her to look at me for too long incase her Bobby senses kicked in.
“I felt bad about leaving you hanging,” she told me.
“Go,” I said faking a huge smile, “and I want all the details tomorrow.”
“Okay, call me if you need me,” she hugged me.
I went back inside and felt somewhat better, Bobby was a good friend. I was lucky to have her. Aaron was right; it was time that I stopped pushing people away. I fell asleep shortly after that and my dreams were filled with horrific images of Chase’s lips on the brown haired girl.
The next morning, I was woken up by the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. I jumped up from my bed and warily walked to the kitchen. Chase was the only one with a key to my room, he insisted on getting his own one after what happened back home. He was standing with a cup in his hand when I walked in.
“Chase, what the hell are you doing here, have you completely lost your mind!”
“I think so,” was his response.
“What! What does that mean? You can’t just come into my room in the early hours of the morning when I am asleep. Especially after your eventful night out!” I felt a stab in my heart when I thought about where he was last night.
“Grace,” he said as he stared into my eyes. “I am so sorry. I know I fucked up and I have been saying that a lot lately, but I don’t know how to do this.”
“Do what, Chase?” I put my hands on my hips.
“I feel this need to protect you and I know I get out of control sometimes. If you like Sebastian,” I could hear him swallow. “Then…”
“Chase,” I interrupted him. “Sebastian and I are nothing more than friends and I will probably make a few while I am here. What? Are you going to run security checks on all of them?”
“I know and you’re right. I don’t know how to do this so please be patient with me.”
“Do what?” I asked
“Be friends with someone… like you.”
I didn’t want to get into what he meant by that. “Let’s just keep it simple,” I suggested. “If I need your help with guys or whoever, I will ask you.”
He contorted his face at that. “I have to get to band practice. Will I see you at the round house tonight?”
“That depends,” I told him.
“On what?” he asked me.
“On whether or not you are going to stop acting like my crazy friend and just be my friend. You can’t just come into my room whenever you feel like it either, that key is meant for emergencies.”
He walked toward me and looked sternly into my eyes. “Grace I’m sorry I’m acting like a mad man. I promise it will stop tonight. Please come.”
I nodded my head. “See you later,” I told him.
“And by the way, I didn’t do anything with the girl you saw me with last night, I couldn’t,” he said and walked out.
I stood staring at the door, wondering why he felt the need to tell me that.
Aaron was there as soon as Chase closed the door. “Did you sort it out?” he asked me.
“I just feel so confused. I don’t think I was exposed to people enough in my lifetime.”
He laughed, “What are you so confused about. Could the people you’re referring to be Chase?”
I nodded. “I think, I mean I know he is bad news, but I just can’t stay away from him. If I’m really honest I think that deep down I’m tired of being his friend.”
“And what makes you so sure he is bad news,” Aaron asked me.
“Well, all the women for starters and he seems crazy, I am not sure if I have actually forgiven him for last night yet,” I said.
“You remember when I first found you?” Aaron asked. “You were sitting in the school cafeteria alone, the bell for the first class had gone off a long time ago and I happened to walk past and saw you crying.
“How could I forget, you saved me,” I told him as the memory came with a wave of emotions.
“I was only able to help you once you broke down all those walls. You were so broken and hiding all those dark secrets. It took me months to get through to you.”
“What are you saying?” I asked him.
“I’m saying that maybe he needs saving too.”
The realization hit me hard; the thing that I was most drawn to about Chase was the fact that he was just as broken as I once was. Hidden behind a solid wall, hiding from everyone who he really was and too afraid to trust.
“Aaron, I need to…” I turned around but he was gone.
I pulled out my
black jeans and a red sweater and quickly headed out by the door. I walked nervously across the field, my head reeling. I couldn’t believe that I missed it, but I wanted to help him. I couldn’t stand the thought of knowing that someone was going through what I went through. It all made perfect sense now. That was probably one the reasons why he never spoke about his past, it must have been just as bad as mine. I was the one that was being a bad friend all along, he needed me and I was too selfish to see it.
I walked passed the crowd, grateful that the doorman recognized me and went inside. The lights were low and then I heard the strumming of a guitar. I looked up and saw Chase, he wasn’t looking at anyone in particular and then he started singing, Callum Scott’s Dancing On My Own. It was so raw that his voice was raspy and in that moment, I saw every inch of his pain. I felt it right down to my core. What was it that he was hiding that was so painful? When he finished the song, his eyes fell on my teary ones and I tried to blink them away.
He looked at me as if he knew that he had just shown me a part of himself that he didn’t want anyone to see. We stared at each other and for a moment it was as if everyone else in the room disappeared. It was only me and him. Then he suddenly changed the tempo and the band played deafening beats for the rest of the night. I sat by the bar and waited for him, drinking only water although I was tempted to get something stronger to calm my nerves. But I wanted to face Chase with a clear head; I wanted him to know that I wanted to help. When they were finally done, he came down and walked toward me.
“Hey,” he whispered in my ear over the noise.
“Hey,” I said, “do you wanna get out of here?” I asked bravely.
He nodded.
We walked back to our building, both saying nothing for a long time, knowing that something changed in our relationship tonight. “You were great tonight,” I said wanting to ease the tension.
“Thanks,” he said as he dug his hands into his black jeans.
When we arrived back at my room he walked me to my door and before I opened it I turned to him. He stared at me for the longest time like he wanted to tear down a part of that wall and tell me what he was hiding. But he didn’t, he whispered goodnight and left.
I walked into my kitchen, not sure what to do. Not sure how I was going to be a friend to him if he didn’t let me in. Then I thought about what Aaron did. He was honest. He told me what he thought was happening and how he knew I was hiding my true self from him. That he would still love me the same no matter what it was and that broke me.
I walked back out of my door and knocked on his. “Grace,” he said surprised. “You okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine but I need to talk to you.”
“Sure, come inside.” I walked into his immaculately clean living room, it looked different from the first time I saw it. The gray sofa was arranged in an L-shape and there was a glass table in a square shape in front of it. There was a flat screen TV mounted on the wall that I hadn’t noticed before and a hand shaped orange cushion in the corner. He motioned for me to sit down and he sat down next to me.
“Did Cherry contact you again?” he asked, concerned.
“It’s not about her,” I told him as I looked down. “It’s about you.”
He said nothing.
I looked at him, but he turned away from me. “Chase, I have been where you are. I have lived in your shielded world, where it hurts too much to let anyone in. But all you really want to do is for someone to pull you out of there, so that it’s not so hard to live or to love.”
He walked toward the window in the far corner of the room, folding his arms. I followed him; I knew this was not going to be easy.
“Chase, you said you want to be friends, so let me be. I want to help you and I can help you if you let me in. I don’t need all the details; I just need your guard down, for you to trust me. You have to start somewhere. I revealed the darkest part of my life to you, show me yours,” I said as I put my hand on his back.
He turned back around and grabbed my arms. “Grace, I am no good for you. I don’t want to hurt you; you don’t deserve to be around someone like me.”
“Sometimes life hands you a shitty deal, Chase, I get that but it doesn’t make you a bad guy.”
He shook his head, “I just wish that I can get you out of my head, but there is not even one second of the day that I don’t think about your beautiful face.”
My eyes went wide at his revelation. “What does that mean?” I asked him.
“I know that back at your house I told you I didn’t want anything more than friendship but that was a lie. I thought it would be better for you if we stayed friends, because I am not worthy of someone like you, Grace. But I can’t stand it anymore; I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. So maybe I should just tell you…”
He went quiet and searched my eyes.
I put my hands in his to encourage him to continue.
He took one of his hands and put it to my cheek. “For the first time in my life, I think I have fallen in love… with you!”
I was too shocked to say anything and I stood still as he leaned in and put his soft lips over mine. My mouth parted as he gently stroked my tongue with his. I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, letting him know that I felt the same way. In that moment, we fused our broken souls together, and I silently hoped that we were not making a mistake.
Chapter 9
It was the last week of school before our three-week holiday. The gossiping around WRC started immediately, everyone asking if it was true that the lead singer of The Bleeding Hearts was dating someone. Some of the girls in my class flat out asked me about it, but I ignored their questions, mainly because I didn’t have an answer. Chase and I shared one kiss, and yes he told me that he loved me and was always at my side, but we never put a label on it and I didn’t want to be presumptuous.
Bobby and Dean, on the other hand were getting serious fast. He was even going home with her for the holidays. I decided to stay; I didn’t want to do three weeks with Agatha and Chris. Not because I didn’t miss them, but because I needed more time away from that place, since my recent visit was so unpleasant.
After our final class on Friday, Bobby came over to my room to say goodbye and asked me for the hundredth time if I didn’t want to go home with her. Apparently, there was enough room in her house.
“I’ll be fine on my own, Bobby. Just call me when you get home safely.”
“And you call me if you need anything,” she said pulling me into a bear hug. For someone so tiny she had a strong pair of arms on her.
After she left there was a knock on the door, I opened it and saw Chase smiling at me.
“Hey,” he said. “Mind if I come in?”
“I don’t mind at all,” I told him. “I thought you were going home for the holidays?”
“Nothing to go home to,” he told me. He still had his wall up, but I was working on it.
“How about you?” he asked.
“Same here,” I said.
We stood in silence until I broke it. “Chase, what happened between us was that a mistake? I mean, you have been kind of distant since we kissed.”
He shook his head. “Grace, what I told you was the truth and I don’t want to mess things up with us. But I am afraid that I will, and I can’t lose you. Every day I think you going to walk out when you’re realize what I really am.”
