I pulled the covers up around me and curled a pillow into my arms. He's already said that you deserve someone who will help you through those times. Let him. I yawned. I'm not sure I know how to let someone help me. I've always relied on myself. Besides, Lance never helped me. I closed my eyes, trying to silence my thoughts, but it wasn't working. Lance was a prick, though. He made you believe he loved you when he really didn't. I sighed. And who's to say Josh won't do the same thing. I rolled to my other side. You do. You know deep inside that he won't hurt you. So what do you say? If he asks you to be his girlfriend, what are you going to say? I smiled. I'm going to say yes. I thought as I felt my eyelids grow heavy. The voices finally silencing themselves. It was amazing what you could work out with yourself when you really had an in-depth discussion with those demons that always tried to make you hate life.
Just before I began to doze off Josh's words rang in my head. "You're gonna make this distance thing hard." But I knew what he really meant, and I couldn't help but smile. I did love him, but I kind of hated him for having that conversation with me. Because now, the distance was becoming harder to handle for myself, and I didn't want to feel as though I was going insane.
Chapter 11
"So are you gonna tell him or am I?" Ashley asked.
I groaned. "It hasn't really come up Ash. And I ain't gonna be like 'So hey, mind if I come in for Thanksgivin'?' I ain't doin' that!"
"Then I'll tell him." My eyes filled with tears as I laid my head down in my arms. "I know you're trying not to cry. Just fly out with my parents and come to Thanksgiving here."
"Ash I don't know. I think I'm just gonna hang out here and watch Netflix."
"No, you're not. Even if I have to make Josh fly down there and kidnap you." she said, and the tears began to fall.
"Please just stop. I'll call ya later." I said and quickly hung up before the anxiety took over. I grabbed my hoodie, wallet and keys, but before I could make it to the door my phone began to ring. I groaned, wiping my eyes furiously. "Hello?" I asked, disgruntled.
"Whoa. Hey. You okay?" Josh's calm voice came over the phone.
"I'm fine."
"I don't think you are. In fact, I know you're not. Ashley called me."
The tears wouldn't stop. "I hate her. I'll talk to you later."
"Baby, don't hang up. I told you, I'm here to help. Yeah, I'm hundreds of miles away, but I'm still here. What's going on?"
My voice caught in my throat. He called you baby. "Nothin'." I lied.
"Jo."
I sighed. "She wants me to come out there for Thanksgivin'. I told her I just wanted to hang out and watch Netflix. One time alone never hurt nobody."
"Is that what you really want?" he asked.
I gasped. "No. I want my own family to celebrate holiday's with. Not other people's families."
"What about your brother?"
"What about him? I ain't talked to him since September. I ain't callin' nobody to see if I can find somewhere to go."
"Baby, I know your pride gets in the way, but come here. My parent's would love to see you again."
"Yeah, and when they ask why I'm not with my family? 'Yeah they died, I have a brother, but we don't talk.' Okay." I was getting frustrated. I threw my keys on the counter and went to the fridge.
"I'll explain it to them before you get here."
"Babe--." I caught myself.
"Yes?" he asked.
I couldn't help but smile. "Fine. You win. I'll be there the day before and leave the day after."
"You can come out two days before and leave the day after." he said, a smile in his voice.
"Nope."
"Yup."
"Grrr. Fine! You sir, drive a tough bargain." I said, shutting the fridge door.
"No, I just know what I want. And I want you here with me. I've got something important to talk to you about. I'll see you the twenty-fourth."
"Wait. What?" I asked.
He laughed. "I'll see you the twenty-fourth. I'll talk to you later. I may not call, I'm going to be super busy the next few days."
"Don't do this to me."
"I'll talk to you later Joanna." he said and hung up.
I was left standing there just staring at my phone. I sighed and grabbed my keys, this time, I actually got to leave, though.
I stepped off the plane as though I fit in here. I didn't, but my clothes suggested otherwise. I had dark red leather skinny jeans on, black pumps with a bow, a black lace long sleeved shirt and my hair was in a low, messy bun. I had minimal makeup on, a rose gold watch, black diamond earrings and an angel pendant necklace adorned my neck. I sent Josh a text saying to meet me at luggage claims.
When I finally made it over, he was standing there holding something behind his back. When he looked at me, there was something in his eyes I had never seen before. I walked up and threw my arms around him. His hand went to the small of my back, pulling me closer.
"You look amazing," he whispered.
I smiled as I pulled away. "Thank you. I had a meetin' this mornin'. I woulda so wore sweats if I hadn't."
"Well, you look really sexy. This is for you," he said, pulling a dark red rose from behind his back.
My eyes lit up as I looked up at him. "Thank you." I whispered.
"Let's get outta here. Do Ashley and Mike know you're in town?"
I shook my head. "Nope. Just like we talked about. We've got the next two days to ourselves." I replied. Nerves were playing racket ball in my stomach. I hadn't forgotten the fact that he had said he had something to talk to me about.
"Why so quiet?" he asked while we were on the road.
"Nerves," I replied quietly.
"Why because I said I had something to talk to you about?" I nodded, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Baby, look at me." I looked at him slowly. "It's not bad. I promise."
I nodded. "I know. I have a feelin' I know what you wanna talk to me about and that's the part that's gettin' to me."
"Why?"
"'Cause I'm afraid I ain't gonna be good enough. There's gorgeous girls out here, everywhere. We're over two thousand miles apart. How's that gonna work? Fly out every chance we get? I don't know how well I'm gonna be at this whole long distance thang."
"Are you turning me down before I've even asked you?" he asked, sounding hurt.
"I don't know."
"Let me tell you something. You are everything I've ever wanted. It may be hard to believe right now, and it may sound crazy, but it's the truth. The moment our eyes met that night you were laying in Ashley and Mikes front yard I knew I needed you. More than I had ever needed anyone in my life. So if you think you're the only scared one, you're wrong. I've never had a long distance relationship either, we'll figure it out as we go. And those gorgeous girls all have the help of plastic surgeons. I want real, not superficial. And you know what? You're the realest woman I've ever met. You have not once asked me for anything other than to build a fort with you. I'm in love with you and I'm not afraid to admit it. But if you don't want to try, I support that decision. If all we ever are is friends, well then I'd much rather be your friend than nothing at all."
"I don't know what I want. I want to be yours, only yours. At the same time, though, my past is holdin' me back. I don't want it to, God I don't want it to. I want to sit here next to you and say, 'Yes Josh. I want to be your girlfriend.' I just cain't. Every time I think of you I get this stupid smile on my face, and I think of all our conversations. The littlest things will make me think of you and I catch myself reading our texts. I love you, there's no doubt about it, but what happens when you can no longer handle me? Huh? What? Because I'm promisin' you I ain't easy to deal with. I get crazy, I throw stuff. I punch stuff. I cry, I yell and I scream. I spiral outta control, I drink way to much and sleep very little. When I get angry I have to walk away, I have to have my time so that I can talk things out. I do a good job hidin' what's really goin' on inside--"
He stopped me. "No, you don't. Believe it or not,
I can hear it in your voice when you aren't doing as great as you want me to believe. Like the day I called to tell you to fly here for Thanksgiving? Ashley had texted me, not called. Told me to call you, your voice gave it away. Let me ask you something. Do you really think you're too much to handle, or is that just what you were told by that asshole? Because I can assure you I've got ways to deal with your 'crazy'. Hell, you wanna break shit? Let's break shit. Wanna hit something? I'll buy you a punching bag and put it in that spare room. I am not a quitter, not unless the other person is too. And you know what I'm talking about."
I sat there, chewing on the inside of my lip the rest of the way to his house. I had nothing to say. The battle I was fighting was inside myself. My brain and heart were at war, and it was getting nasty. So finally, I shut them both up by listening to my gut. Something I hadn't done since I found Lance cheating on me.
When we pulled into his garage I turned to him. "I--."
He stopped me. "I haven't actually asked you yet. So don't answer until I do. We're going to dinner in an hour."
I smiled, stopping him by putting my hands on his chest. "So I don't get a say in that?" I asked.
He pulled me closer. "No. You don't. If it's the only date I take you on, then I'm going to make it a night to remember."
"Is that so?" I asked, quietly, leaning up and kissing him.
His hands slid to my hips, pulling me even closer. "Yeah, that is so," he whispered, looking into my eyes.
We were sitting at a dimly lit table. I had a dark red velvet dress on, with matching shoes. Josh wore a black button up shirt and gray slacks. He had ordered each of us a glass of red wine, and for his sake, I drank it. Sipping slowly. It wasn't half bad, but it still didn't make me like it anymore.
We were done with our food when Josh looked at me and took my hand. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as though they'd all just found themselves changed from caterpillars.
"Joanna, you know that in these last few months I've fallen in love with you. Now I want to know if you'll be my girlfriend."
I blushed, looking down at the table. Without fighting with myself or the voices, I looked back up at him. "Joshua, yes I'll be your girlfriend," I replied.
A smile spread across his face, touching the corners of his eyes. "Really?"
I smiled. "Really." I replied, and for once in almost three months I wasn't unsure of my decision.
He held his wine glass up and I followed suit. "To our first date, and to the many more to come. To all the nights I'm going to be the one you call when you need someone. To all the shit we're gonna break together in the future. I love you."
I giggled. "To all the nights I'm gonna wake you up 'cause I couldn't sleep. To all the times I'm gonna wanna make you smile just because I can. I love you."
We touched our glasses together and sipped our wine. "You're still not a fan are you?" he asked.
I laughed. "How'd you ever guess?"
"The look on your face says it all. How about we get out of here and drink something you like. See where the night leads."
I bit my bottom lip. "If we drink what I like I'm fairly certain I know where the night's gonna lead."
He laughed. "Well, it sounds like an adventure I'm more than willing to participate in."
"You sure?" I asked.
"I'm positive. Now let's get out of here and see just how amazing this night will end."
I nodded as I took a quick glance at my wine glass. Is that crap really givin' me liquid courage? Or am I really out of my mind tonight? I shook the thoughts from my head, grabbed my jacket and followed Josh out to hail a cab. Either way, Jo, I do have a feelin' tonight is gonna be somethin' you remember for a long, long time.
Chapter 12
I woke up smiling. Josh's arms wrapped around me, the sheet haphazardly covering us both. Last night had definitely made it into the record books, I thought to myself as I snuggled further into his arms.
"Good morning beautiful," he whispered against my neck.
My smile grew wider. "Good mornin' handsome. Ya know, I could get used to hearin' that every mornin'." I replied.
He was kissing my neck. "I'll remember that," he said, pulling me closer.
"Mmm, shower and breakfast. Then I should probably call Ashley."
"Nope, you're all mine until noon at least."
I laughed. "Fine, fine. I'm all yours as long as you want me."
"What if I said I wanted you forever?" he asked, rolling me onto my back so that he could look at me.
"Well then, I'd say I'm all yours, forever."
"You really mean that?"
"I really mean that, unless you didn't mean it," I replied, feeling really nervous about what I had just said.
"Oh, I meant it. And I meant everything last night too--," he trailed off, kissing my neck once more.
I closed my eyes slowly, running my fingers through his brown hair. "Babe, shower," I whispered.
I could feel him smile. "Fine," he replied, leaning up and kissing me on the forehead. "Shower." He rolled over and grabbed his phone. "Damn, I've only got you for another hour. That shower can wait." And with that he pulled me closer, sliding his hand gently down my side, and pulling the sheet over him.
I was left breathless once again. This time, though, I slid out of the bed with the sheet and walked to the bathroom. I let it slide down my body just before I shut and locked the door. I turned the water on, let it run a few minutes and stepped in. As soon as the hot water hit my skin I felt my body relax. I leaned against the wall, running my hands over my wet hair. You're in this for the long haul. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to get your heart broken again? I tried to shake the thoughts, but I couldn't. I hated myself for letting those thoughts take over.
When I opened my eyes, I began to panic. I poked my head out of the shower and sighed with relief. My bag with my soap and toothbrush was on the counter. I grabbed what I needed and finished my shower.
I turned the water off, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my body. I brushed my hair out, brushed my teeth and grabbed the sheet off the floor. When I walked back into the bedroom, the bed was made and I caught the smell of coffee wafting in from the kitchen. I quickly got dressed and followed that amazing aroma.
When I walked in I found Josh, freshly showered and in board shorts. "Have a nice shower?" he asked.
I smiled. "It was pretty good. Coulda been better." I said, winking at him and grabbing a coffee cup.
"Hey, you locked the door."
I laughed. "I know. Next time. So plans for today?"
He shook his head. "Don't have any. I thought you were gonna call Ashley?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Kinda wanna bask in the new relationship feelin's first."
He smiled and put his hands on my hips, resting his chin on my shoulder. "Think those feelings will go away?"
I placed my hands on top of his. "I sure hope not, but they always do."
"Well I won't let them," he replied, kissing me quickly on my cheek.
I bit my lip and turned to face him. "I want to believe you, and part of me does. But please be patient with me if I sometimes have a hard time with things you say."
He nodded. "I know baby. It's gonna take time for both of us. If at any time you regret any of this, please just tell me."
I closed my eyes and rested my head against his chest. "I'll never regret this. I'm just afraid my heart's gonna get broken again."
He wrapped his arms gently but tightly around me. "I have no intentions of ever, ever hurting you."
"I hope not," I whispered, basking in the soft pine scent of his skin.
I finally decided to get dressed, but it wasn't anything fancy. We were going to pick up pizza and I wanted to be lazy. I put on some Autumn inspired leggings, with a white slouchy t-shirt that said 'Y'ALL NEED JESUS' on the front. I grabbed my gray Uggs and my black skull sweater. I threw my hair in a messy bun. I didn't put much thought into it, but I knew I didn't look like a hot mess either. I
swiped some mascara on and stepped out into the living room.
"You know. You look damn good in high heels, and you look even better in a dress, but this? I think I just fell in love all over again."
I laughed. "Whatever. Let's go get pizza."
"Wanna drive?"
I shook my head. "No! I'll get us lost."
He grabbed me and kissed me passionately. "That's okay. We've got GPS on our phones, we wouldn't get too lost."
"You can drive. I come out here enough and I'll be drivin' before ya know it."
"God that accent is sexy. Come on," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. He opened it and motioned me ahead. I smiled, not really used to that, but knew I loved him for a reason. Just as I stepped through he slapped my butt and I turned to face him quickly.
He threw his hands up in defense. "Couldn't help myself."
I laughed, "There's gonna be a lot of that ain't there?"
He nodded, "Yeah I'll apologize now."
"No need," I replied, winking at him and heading to the truck.
We drove down to the beach with our pizza, while there Mike called Josh. I didn't catch much of the conversation because I had gone down close to the water. I was looking for sea shells, avoiding the water. It was too cold to even dare go in. I found a few, and a couple sand dollars. I stuck them in my pocket and began walking back towards where Josh was. When I got closer I realized he was no longer on the phone, but just watching me.
He motioned me over with his finger and I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes?" I asked.
California Sunshine Page 7
