So Fey: Queer Fairy Fiction

by Christopher Barzak

  The boy climbed out of bed and Rafe stuffed it with pillows that formed a small boy-shape under the blankets.

  "What are you doing?" the boy asked as he punched the numbers into the tiny phone.

  "I'm making a pretend you that can stay here and keep on sleeping." The words echoed for a long moment before Rafe remembered that he and Victor had to get moving.

  ---

  On the drive back, Rafe told Victor a story that his mother had told when he was little, about a king who fed a louse so well on royal blood that it swelled up so large that it no longer fit in the palace. The king had the louse slaughtered and its hide tanned to make a coat for his daughter, the princess, and told all her suitors that they had to guess what kind of skin she wore before their proposal could be accepted.

  Victor liked the part of the story where Rafe pretended to hop like a flea and bite his nephew. Rafe liked all fairy tales with tailors in them.

  "Come inside," his mother said. "You should have told us you were going to take the car. I needed to go to the store and get some--"

  She stopped, seeing Victor behind Rafael.

  Rafe's father stood up from the couch as they came in. Rafe tossed the keys and his father caught them.

  "Tough guy." His father grinned. "I hope you hit him."

  "Are you kidding? And hurt this delicate hand?" Rafe asked, holding it up as for inspection.

  He was surprised by his father's laugh.

  For the first time in almost fifteen years, Rafe spent the night. Stretching out on the lumpy couch, he turned the onyx ring again and again on his finger.

  Then, for the first time in more than ten years, he thumbed open the hidden compartment, ready to see Lyle's golden hair. Crumbled leaves fell onto his chest instead.

  Leaves. Not hair. Hair lasted; it should be there. Victorian mourning ornaments braided with the hair of the long-dead survived decades. Rafe had seen such a brooch on the scarf of a well-known playwright. The hair was dulled by time, perhaps, but it had hardly turned to leaves.

  He thought of the lump of bedclothes that had looked like Victor at first glance. A 'pretend me,' Victor had said. But Lyle's corpse wasn't pretend. He had seen it. He had cut off a lock of its hair.

  Rafe ran his fingers through the crushed leaves on his chest. Hope swelled inside of him, despite the senselessness of it. He didn't like to think about Faeryland lurking just over a hill or beneath a shallow river, as distant as a memory. But if he could believe that he could pass unscathed from the world of the city into the world of the suburban ghetto and back again, then couldn't he go further? Why couldn't he cross into the world of shining people with faces like stars that were the root of all his costumes?

  Marco had stolen Victor; but Rafe had stolen Victor back. Until that moment, Rafe hadn't considered he could steal Lyle back from Faeryland.

  Rafe kicked off the afghan.

  ---

  At the entrance to the woods, Rafe stopped and lit a cigarette. His feet knew the way to the river by heart.

  The mattress was filthier than he remembered, smeared with dirt and damp with dew. He sat, unthinking, and whispered Lyle's name. The forest was quiet and the thought of faeries seemed a little silly. Still, he felt close to Lyle here.

  "I went to New York, just like we planned," Rafe said, his hand stroking over the blades of grass as though they were hairs on a pelt. "I got a job in a theatrical rental place, full of these antiqued candelabras and musty old velvet curtains. Now I make stage clothes. I don't ever have to come back here again."

  He rested his head against the mattress, inhaled mold and leaves and earth. His face felt heavy, as though already sore with tears. "Do you remember Mary? Her husband hits her. I bet he hits my nephew too, but she wouldn't say." His eyes burned with unexpected tears. The guilt that twisted his gut was fresh and raw as it had been the day Lyle died. "I never knew why you did it. Why you had to die instead of come away with me. You never said either."

  "Lyle," he sighed, and his voice trailed off. He wasn't sure what he'd been about to say. "I just wish you were here, Lyle. I wish you were here to talk to."

  Rafe pressed his mouth to the mattress and closed his eyes for a moment before he rose and brushed the dirt off his slacks.

  He would just ask Mary what happened with Marco. If Victor was all right. If they wanted to live with him for a while. He would tell his parents that he slept with men. There would be no more secrets, no more assumptions. There was nothing he could do for Lyle now, but there was still something he could do for his nephew. He could say all the things he'd left unsaid and hope that others would too. As Rafe stood, lights sprung up from nothing, like matches catching in the dark.

  Around him, in the woods, faeries danced in a circle. They were bright and seemed almost weightless, hair flying behind them like smoke behind a sparkler. Among them, Rafe thought he saw a kid, so absorbed in dancing that he did not hear Rafe gasp or shout. He started forward, hand outstretched. At the center of the circle, a woman in a gown of green smiled a cold and terrible smile before the whole company disappeared.

  Rafe felt his heart beat hard against his chest. He was frightened as he had not been at fourteen, when magical things seemed like they could be ordinary and ordinary things were almost magical.

  On the way home, Rafe thought of all the other fairy tales he knew about tailors. He thought of the faery woman's plain green gown and about desire. When he got to the house, he pulled his sewing machine out of the closet and set it up on the kitchen table. Then he began to rummage through all the cloth and trims, beads, and fringe. He found crushed panne velvet that looked like liquid gold and sewed it into a frockcoat studded with bright buttons and appliquéd with blue flames that lapped up the sleeves. It was one of the most beautiful things he had ever made. He fell asleep cradling it and woke to his mother setting a cup of espresso mixed with condensed milk in front of him. He drank the coffee in one slug.

  It was easy to make a few phone calls and a few promises, change around meetings and explain to his bewildered parents that he needed to work from their kitchen for a day or two. Of course Clio would feed his cats. Of course his client understood that Rafe was working through a design problem. Of course the presentation could be rescheduled for the following Friday. Of course. Of course.

  His mother patted his shoulder. "You work too hard."

  He nodded, because it was easier than telling her he wasn't really working.

  "But you make beautiful things. You sew like your great-grandmother. I told you how people came from miles around to get their wedding dresses made by her."

  He smiled up at her and thought of all the gifts he had brought at the holidays--cashmere gloves and leather coats and bottles of perfume. He had never sewn a single thing for her. Making gifts had seemed cheap, like he was giving her a child's misshapen vase or a card colored with crayons. But the elegant, meaningless presents he had sent were cold, revealing nothing about him and even less about her. Imagining her in a silk dress the color of papayas--one he might sew himself--filled him with shame.

  ---

  He slept most of the day in the shadowed dark of his parent's bed with the shades drawn and the door closed. The buzz of cartoons in the background and the smell of cooking oil made him feel like a small child again. When he woke it was dark outside. His clothes had been cleaned and were folded at the foot of the bed. He put the golden coat on over them and walked to the river.

  There, he smoked cigarette after cigarette, dropping the filters into the water, listening for the hiss as the river smothered the flame and drowned the paper. Finally, the faeries came, dancing their endless dance, with the cold faery woman sitting in the middle.

  The woman saw him and walked through the circle. Her eyes were green as moss and, as she got close, he saw that her hair flowed behind her as though she were swimming through water or like ribbons whipped in a fierce wind. Where she stepped, tiny flowers bloomed.

  "Your coat is beautiful. It gl
ows like the sun," the faery said, reaching out to touch the fabric.

  "I would give it to you," said Rafe. "Just let me have Lyle."

  A smile twisted her mouth. "I will let you spend tonight with him. If he remembers you, he is free to go. Will that price suit?"

  Rafe nodded and removed the coat.

  The faery woman caught Lyle's hand as he spun past, pulling him out of the dance. He was laughing, still, as his bare feet touched the moss outside the circle and he aged. His chest grew broader, he became taller, his hair lengthened, and fine lines appeared around his mouth and eyes. He was no longer a teenager.

  "Leaving us, even for a time, has a price," the faery woman said. Standing on her toes, she bent Lyle's head to her lips. His eyelids drooped and she steered him to the moldering mattress. He never even looked in Rafe's direction; he just sank down into sleep.

  "Lyle," Rafe said, dropping down beside him, smoothing the tangle of hair back from his face. There were braids in it that knotted up with twigs and leaves and cords of thorny vines. A smudge of dirt highlighted one cheekbone. Leaves blew over him, but he did not stir.

  "Lyle," Rafe said again. Rafe was reminded of how Lyle's body had lain in the casket at the funeral, of how Lyle's skin had been pale and bluish as skim milk and smelled faintly of chemicals, of how his fingers were threaded together across his chest so tightly that when Rafe tried to take his hand, it was stiff as a mannequin's. Even now, the memory of that other, dead Lyle seemed more real than the one that slept beside him like a cursed prince in a fairy tale.

  "Please wake up," Rafe said. "Please. Wake up and tell me this is real."

  Lyle did not stir. Beneath the lids, his eyes moved as if he saw another landscape.

  Rafe shook him and then struck him, hard, across the face. "Get up," he shouted. He tugged on Lyle's arm and Lyle's body rolled toward him.

  Standing, he tried to lift Lyle, but he was used to only the weight of bolts of cloth. He settled for dragging him toward the street where Rafe could flag down a car or call for help. He pulled with both his hands, staining Lyle's shirt and face with grass, and scratching his side on a fallen branch. Rafe dropped his hand and bent over him in the quiet dark.

  "It's too far," Rafe said. "Far too far."

  He stretched out beside Lyle, pillowing his friend's head against his chest and resting on his own arm.

  When Rafe woke, Lyle no longer lay beside him, but the faery woman stood over the mattress. She wore the coat of fire and, in the light of the newly risen sun, she shone so brightly that Rafe had to shade his eyes with his hand. She laughed and her laugh sounded like ice cracking on a frozen lake.

  "You cheated me," Rafe said. "You made him sleep."

  "He heard you in his dreams," said the faery woman. "He preferred to remain dreaming."

  Rafe stood and brushed off his pants, but his jaw clenched so tightly that his teeth hurt.

  "Come with me," the faery said. "Join the dance. You are only jealous that you were left behind. Let that go. You can be forever young and you can make beautiful costumes forevermore. We will appreciate them as no mortal does and we will adore you."

  Rafe inhaled the leaf-mold and earth smells. Where Lyle had rested, a golden hair remained. He thought of his father laughing at his jokes, his mother admiring his sewing, his sister caring enough to ask him about boyfriends even in the middle of a crisis. Rafe wound the hair around his finger so tightly that it striped his skin white and red. "No," he told her.

  ---

  His mother was sitting in her robe in the kitchen. She got up when Rafe came in.

  "Where are you going? You are like a possessed man." She touched his hand and her skin felt so hot that he pulled back in surprise.

  "You're freezing! You have been at his grave."

  It was easier for Rafe to nod than explain.

  "There is a story about a woman who mourned too long and the specter of her lover rose up and dragged her down into death with him."

  He nodded again, thinking of the faery woman, of being dragged into the dance, of Lyle sleeping like death.

  She sighed exaggeratedly and made him a coffee. Rafe had already set up the sewing machine by the time she put the mug beside him.

  That day he made a coat of silver silk, pleated at the hips and embroidered with a tangle of thorny branches and lapels of downy white fur. He knew it was one of the most beautiful things he had ever made.

  "Who are you sewing that for?" Mary asked when she came in. "It's gorgeous."

  He rubbed his eyes and gave her a tired smile. "It's supposed to be the payment a mortal tailor used to win back a lover from Faeryland."

  "I haven't heard of that story," his sister said. "Will it be a musical?"

  "I don't know yet," said Rafe. "I don't think the cast can sing."

  His mother frowned and called Mary over to chop up a summer squash.

  "I want you and Victor to come live with me," Rafe said as his sister turned away from him.

  "Your place is too small," Rafe's mother told him.

  She had never seen his apartment. "We could move, then. Go to Queens. Brooklyn."

  "You won't want a little boy running around. And Mary has the cousins here. She should stay with us. Besides, the city is dangerous."

  "Marco is dangerous," Rafe said, his voice rising. "Why don't you let Mary make up her own mind?"

  Rafe's mother muttered under her breath as she chopped, Rafe sighed and bit his tongue and Mary gave him a sisterly roll of the eyes. It occurred to him that that had been the most normal conversation he had had with his mother in years.

  All day he worked on the coat and that night Rafe, wearing the silvery coat, went back to the woods and the river.

  The dancers were there as before and when Rafe got close, the faery woman left the circle of dancers.

  "Your coat is as lovely as the moon. Will you agree to the same terms?"

  Rafe thought of objecting, but he also thought of the faery woman's kiss and that he might be able to change the course of events. It would be better if he caught her off-guard. He shouldered off his coat. "I agree."

  As before, the faery woman pulled Lyle from the dance.

  "Lyle!" Rafe said, starting toward him before the faery could touch his brow with her lips.

  Lyle turned to him and his lips parted as though he were searching for a name to go with a distant memory, as if Lyle didn't recall him after all.

  The faery woman kissed him then, and Lyle staggered drowsily to the mattress. His drooping eyelashes nearly hid the gaze he gave Rafe. His mouth moved, but no sound escaped him and then he subsided into sleep.

  That night Rafe tried a different way of rousing Lyle. He pressed his mouth to Lyle's slack lips, to his forehead as the faery woman had done. He kissed the hollow of Lyle's throat, where the beat of his heart thrummed against his skin. He ran his hands over the Lyle's chest. He touched his lips to the smooth, unscarred expanse of Lyle's wrists. Again and again, he kissed Lyle, but it was as terrible as kissing a corpse.

  Before he slept, Rafe took the onyx and silver ring off his own pinkie, pulled out a strand of black hair from his own head and coiled it inside the hollow of the poison ring. Then he pushed the ring onto Lyle's pinkie.

  "Remember me. Please remember me," Rafe said. "I can't remember myself unless you remember me."

  But Lyle did not stir and Rafe woke alone on the mattress. He made his way home in the thin light of dawn.

  That day he sewed a coat from velvet as black as the night sky. He stitched tiny black crystals onto it and embroidered it with black roses, thicker at the hem and then thinning as they climbed. At the cuffs and neck, ripped ruffles of thin smoky purples and deep reds reminded him of sunsets. Across the back, he sewed on silver beads for stars. Stars like the faery woman's eyes. It was the most beautiful thing Rafael had ever created. He knew he would never make its equal.

  "Where do you get your ideas from?" his father asked as he shuffled out to the kitchen for an eveni
ng cup of decaf. "I've never been much of a creative person."

  Rafe opened his mouth to say that he got his ideas from everywhere, from things he'd seen and dreamed and felt, but then he thought of the other thing his father said. "You made that bumper for the old car out of wood," Rafe said. "That was pretty creative."

  Rafe's father grinned and added milk to his cup.

  That night Rafe donned the shimmering coat and walked to the woods. The faery woman waited for him. She sucked in her breath at the sight of the magnificent coat.

  "I must have it," she said. "You shall have him as before."

  Rafael nodded. Tonight if he could not rouse Lyle, he would have to say good-bye. Perhaps this was the life Lyle had chosen--a life of dancing and youth and painless memory--and he was wrong to try and take him away from it. But he wanted to spend one more night beside Lyle.

  She brought Lyle to him and he knelt on the mattress. The faery woman bent to kiss his forehead, but at the last moment, Lyle turned his head and the kiss fell on his hair.

  Scowling, she rose.

  Lyle blinked as though awakening from a long sleep, then touched the onyx ring on his finger. He turned toward Rafe and smiled tentatively.

  "Lyle?" Rafe asked. "Do you remember me?"

  "Rafael?" Lyle asked. He reached a hand toward Rafe's face, fingers skimming just above the skin. Rafe leaned into the heat, butting his head against Lyle's hand and sighing. Time seemed to flow backward and he felt like he was fourteen again and in love.

  "Come, Lyle," said the faery woman sharply.

  Lyle rose stiffly, his fingers ruffling Rafe's hair.

  "Wait," Rafe said. "He knows who I am. You said he would be free."

  "He's as free to come with me as he is to go with you," she said.

  Lyle looked down at Rafe. "I dreamed that we went to New York and that we performed in a circus. I danced with the bears and you trained fleas to jump through the eyes of needles."