by Mary Carter
She approached Roger’s door and knocked. He opened within seconds. “Good morning.”
He nodded and moved back. Yvette stepped inside and set his breakfast up at his card table. She saw ajar of coins and a deck of cards. She looked at him.
“Josh,” he said.
Yvette smiled. She felt tears coming to her eyes. Maybe she had been wrong about the extent of Roger’s damages all these years. Maybe he understood and remembered a lot more than she once thought. She sat down with him. He noted his surprise by the raise of an eyebrow.
“Thomas,” she said, trying it out. Roger didn’t move. His body stiffened. “Your girls are lovely.”
“Lovely,” he said.
“Your daughters,” Yvette pressed.
“My girls,” he said.
Oh God. He did know. Yvette trembled. She started to cry. After the accident he didn’t speak at all. The doctor said his brain was permanently damaged. There was no way of knowing what he remembered. He wouldn’t answer to Thomas. The only word he muttered was “Roger.” If she’d ask him to do something, he’d say, “Roger, Roger.” She eventually started calling him that. It was easier. This man was not her son. She still loved him, but he was not her son.
“I think you should tell them,” Yvette said. “Tell them your name is Thomas.”
Roger’s head snapped up and he looked stricken. “Roger,” he said.
“They’re still your girls,” she said. “They will love you.”
“No!” he said. He began to pace, smacking himself over and over on top of his head. “No, no, no, no.”
“Okay, okay.” Yvette hurried to her feet and waved her arms. “We won’t tell, we won’t tell.” She had to shout it and repeat it several times before he stopped. “Okay, okay,” she said. She took his arm and guided him back to the table. He sat, but his hands shook violently. She fetched his medicine from the cabinet and doled it out.
“Roger,” he said. “Roger.”
“I know,” Yvette said. “Roger.” Oh, the doctors they’d been to over the years. Even with all the advancements in medicine the brain was a strange and befuddling thing. Because he wasn’t completely himself, but there was a flicker of Thomas inside him. The girls had turned that flicker into a flame. But he didn’t want his girls to know. He knew enough to know that he wasn’t himself. He didn’t want them to know him like this. Or Carla. Yvette knew Roger still kept photos of Carla and the girls around the cabin. Bringing the girls here had been a risk that had paid off. She didn’t know how Roger was going to react, and it was better than she could have ever suspected. She’d hoped he would come around enough to tell them.
She wasn’t surprised they couldn’t recognize him. He even walked different since the accident, and twenty years had aged him considerably. And they’d been so little. They still saw young, handsome, standing-up-straight, clean-shaven, laughing, wild Thomas. But Carla had certainly recognized him. Even on video camera. She didn’t like the woman, but she had to grudgingly admit, she and her son had had quite the connection. Apparently they still did.
Despite that, Yvette didn’t want that woman anywhere near him. Roger wasn’t Thomas, couldn’t be a husband again in any sense of the word, and Yvette hated to think of what heartbreak he might incur by seeing her again. But she hadn’t been able to figure out a way to stop Carla from ever visiting. And yet Brittany said the foul woman was on her way here. She hoped it wasn’t true. If it was, she had to stop her from seeing Roger. In order to do that, she’d have to tell the girls the truth. And if she did that, she’d be betraying Roger. His entire life had been ruined with one accident. He’d lost absolutely everything, how could she deny him the only thing he’d ever asked of her? If he wanted her to keep her mouth shut, she was going to keep her mouth shut.
“Go now,” he said. Yvette nodded and stood to leave. She never got insulted when he spoke his mind. That was one thing about his brain injury, it had removed all social filters. Roger told you exactly what he wanted when he wanted it. She normally kissed him on the head before leaving, but he was still upset. She simply nodded and left.
* * *
Hope was in the kitchen drinking coffee when she looked out and saw Yvette returning from the cabin. She brought Roger most of his meals. Correction, she brought her son most of his meals. She wondered where the name Roger had come from. She was dying to say something to her grandmother, but Faith had made her swear on her grave that she wouldn’t confront anyone about this without her. Joy would be the first person they would tell. But now Faith was off with Charlie, and who knew when she’d be back. Hope was dying to say something to someone, anyone. Her mother still wasn’t answering her phone. Hope had left several messages, and in the last one even hinted she knew why her mother was coming, but begged her not to do or say anything until she had talked to them first. Hope still didn’t know what Roger did and did not understand, and Carla could be a hurricane. She certainly didn’t want her barreling through and upsetting everyone.
Faith and Charlie had gone to a hotel downtown last night. Faith said she’d be back before the kids were awake, but so far no sign of her. Then again the kids were known to sleep in. Hope missed that about being a teenager.
She and Joy had actually bonded last night, staying up another hour in Hope’s bed going over the bombshell.
“Did you ever think she was a lesbian?” Joy said.
“If anyone was going to go that way, I thought it would be you,” Hope admitted. “Just to be different.”
“I haven’t ruled out bisexuality,” Joy said. “But I never once thought Faith was that cool.”
“She was always good at sports,” Hope said. Then giggled. It was so surreal, and besides women could be straight and good at sports. “Do you think Stephen knows Charlie is a woman?”
“Uh, yes,” Joy said. “Faith said he caught them on the living room sofa, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“Imagine that moment.”
“I’d rather not.” Stephen might not have been her favorite brother-in-law, but he was her only one, and she certainly didn’t wish him any pain. He might not have been the man Hope envisioned for Faith, but he was a good father. And regardless of whether Charlie was a woman or a man, Hope knew this really had to hurt. She could see why Faith had been trying to hide it. And they hadn’t had any time at all to grill Faith or even get to know Charlie. Faith was dressed, packed, and out of there before Hope or Joy could get in a word.
Thank God for coffee. Life would be impossible to process without it. She laughed, remembering Joy’s ambition. Maybe Hope had been too quick to judge the coffee shop idea. Her sisters were living their lives. Going for what they wanted. Hope actually felt a bit of excitement for Faith. It must be a relief to realize who you are, or be honest about who you are, no matter what stage of life you were in. But how could she and Joy not know? Then again they hadn’t known Roger was their father either. Secrets. Families were filled with secrets. Hope was more than a little hurt Faith had hid something this huge from them. From now on, she wanted them to be the kind of sisters who told one another everything.
Like the fact that Roger is their father. For a second Hope could relate with how betrayed Joy was going to feel. Maybe they should just pretend they were finding out about it along with Joy. Or should Hope tell Joy right away? No. Faith would kill her. God, three was such a horrible number sometimes. And there was too much going on at once. The revelation of Roger. Yvette dying. And Charlie showing up at the door last night.
It was still going to be difficult on the kids and Stephen. But Hope had liked Charlie straightaway. She wanted Faith to be happy. She needed to lighten up, that was for sure.
She heard heavy footsteps above and soon Josh was thunking down the stairs.
“Where’s Mom?” he said before he’d even reached the first floor.
“She went into town,” Hope said.
“This early?”
“You know how people are around
Christmas time,” Hope said. “They’re full of surprises.” She hated herself the minute the lie was out of her mouth, but what choice did she have?
Josh squinted. “Are the shops even open this early?”
“It’s nine-thirty, sleepyhead. I’m sure some of them are open.” Josh settled himself onto a counter stool. He looked outside. “Did you have fun with Roger last night?” Hope tried to keep her voice casual, but it wasn’t easy. She wanted to know every single thing her father said and did.
Josh shrugged. “He knows how to play blackjack.” Hope laughed. Then bit her lip as tears came to her eyes. Josh narrowed his eyes and studied her. “Do you like Roger?”
“I do,” Hope said, hoping her voice wouldn’t betray her secret grief. “I like him a lot. I look forward to getting to know him a whole lot better.”
They heard the front door opening and minutes later Yvette came in from removing her coat and boots.
“Ah, we have two awake I see,” Yvette said. “It’s as if you’re all sleep-deprived.”
“Mom is in town,” Josh said.
“In town?” Yvette said. “At this hour?”
“That’s what I said,” Josh said.
“Christmas secrets,” Hope said. “My lips are sealed.” She only wished Charlie had come at another time. She didn’t like waiting to confront her grandmother about their father. Faith told her they’d waited twenty-four years, she could wait another day, but it wasn’t going to be easy. She had hoped to actually go with Yvette to deliver Roger’s breakfast, but Yvette had beat her to it.
Joy and Harrison tripped down the steps next. Hope wondered if their grandmother was suspicious about the fact that they often came down at the exact same time, but she’d never voiced a complaint.
“I’ll make us all breakfast,” Hope said. “Are you hungry, Yvette?”
“I’ll just have some toast,” Yvette said. “You can make whatever you want for the rest of them.”
“Do you think Roger would want to join us?” Hope said. She heard her voice crack. She’d better watch it or she was going to tell everyone what she suspected. Faith would kill her. Then again, why did Faith have to call the shots? Hope was the one who recognized him first.
“No, he’s already had his breakfast,” Yvette said.
“Do you have any idea how we could get him to come inside the house?” Hope asked.
“We could tell him we’re playing blackjack,” Josh said.
“Why are you suddenly so obsessed with him?” Joy asked.
“I’m not,” Hope said. Joy was more astute than Hope gave her credit for.
“Gawd,” Joy said, dropping onto a counter stool and waiting for Harrison to do the same. “I’m so freaking tired.”
“That’s because you and your sisters were up all night giggling like schoolgirls,” Harrison said.
“You were?” Josh said. “Mom too?”
“You’re lucky you didn’t hear them, little man. They were totally obnoxious. Your mom too.”
Joy gave Hope a look. “Where is our dear sister?” she said. Hope frowned. Joy knew perfectly well where Faith was. She just enjoyed stirring the pot.
“French toast, anyone?” Hope said. Joy loved French toast. Maybe if she had her mouth full she would keep it shut.
“Yum,” Joy said. “Should I go wake up Faith?”
“She’s in town,” Josh said. “It’s a secret.”
“You told him?” Joy said.
“Told me what?” Josh was on high alert.
“I told him Faith was up to some secret Christmas errands in town,” Hope said in a very measured voice. She was going to throttle Joy. This was exactly why they hadn’t shared their suspicions about Roger with her.
“Right,” Joy said. “Top-secret Christmas activities.”
“This early?” Harrison said.
Finally, Brittany emerged and made her way downstairs.
“Hello, Princess,” Yvette called.
“I’m making French toast,” Hope said.
“I love French toast,” Brittany said.
“Do you have potatoes, Granny?” Harrison said.
“I do,” Yvette said.
“I’ll make some of my famous hash browns,” Harrison said.
“Yummy,” Joy said.
“It’s snowing again!” Brittany said, running to the window. “Can we build a snowman today?”
“A snowman?” Hope said, looking outside. “With this much snow, we can build a fort.”
The door opened and Austin strode in. He stopped halfway as if surprised to see them all here. “Hello, everyone,” he said.
Hope felt her insides warm and she had to stop herself from jumping into his arms. She’d been meaning to call him but had held back, hoping he would contact her first instead.
“Glad you could make it,” Yvette said.
“You said you needed my help?”
Hope turned to her grandmother. She wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Whatever it is,” Hope said, “we’re all going to eat French toast and Harrison’s famous potatoes first.”
“Amen,” Harrison said.
“Brittany, Josh, would you help set the big table?”
“Should I set a place for Mom too?” he asked.
“Or two,” Joy said.
“Why two?” Josh said.
“Just a joke,” Joy said. Hope glared at her.
“I don’t get it,” Josh said.
“She eats a lot,” Joy said.
“No, she doesn’t,” Josh said.
“We can always add a place if she shows up,” Hope said. “Let’s assume for now she’s eating breakfast in town.”
“Indeed,” Joy said.
“I sure hope I don’t run out of French toast before you get yours,” Hope said to Joy. Joy stared at Hope, then mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key. If only.
CHAPTER 30
Austin helped Hope clear the breakfast plates. He had come to take Yvette to her doctor’s appointment, but Joy and Harrison had offered instead. Austin had asked Yvette if she was sure she didn’t want him to take her, and even now he was glancing at the door often, as if expecting her to come crashing through. Brittany and Josh were skating on the pond. Austin looked toward the door again.
“What is it?” Hope asked.
“The doctor is helping her with the exit plan today,” Austin said.
“The exit plan?”
“Medication for when it gets too bad,” Austin said. “That’s the only reason she agreed to go.”
“Oh.” Hope put the last of the dishes in the rack. There was a machine, but today she’d wanted the distraction so she’d washed them by hand. “Sometimes I forget she’s sick.”
“Your visit has really perked her up,” Austin said.
“No,” Hope said. “Our visit has perked Roger up, and that’s what perked Yvette up.” She could hear the bitterness in her own voice, only now it went much deeper. Yvette should have told them, should have told Carla, a long time ago what happened. Instead she let them wait and wonder all these years. Maybe there was something that could have been done. He was functioning, and talking, and on some level he recognized them. They could have had him back in their lives. She’d robbed them of the most important gift of all. The truth.
Hope wiped her hands on the towel and threw it down. “Are you okay?” Austin said.
“What happened to your brother?” Hope didn’t even know she was going to ask him that until the words were out of her mouth.
Austin looked at her, then leaned against the counter. “He was my half brother, although that’s neither here nor there. I didn’t grow up with him, but I did love him like a brother. He took his own life.”
“Oh my God.” Hope’s hands fluttered up to her mouth. “I’m so sorry.”
“He was sixteen. It was a few days before Christmas. And he had been staying with me.”
“Oh my God.”
“I didn’t recognize the signs. He’d been acting out wi
th my father and stepmother so they sent him to live with me for a while. I underestimated what he was going through.”
No wonder Austin hated Christmas. “Wait. Is that why you’ve been so worried about Josh?”
“Did you read the note I asked you to give him?”
“No,” Hope said. “I figured if you wanted me to, you would have directed me to read it.”
Austin gave her an appreciative look. “I like that about you,” he said softly. He sighed. “It was my phone number along with a number for the suicide hotline.”
“You think it’s that serious?” Panic fluttered in Hope’s stomach.
“I will never underestimate someone’s pain again.” Austin glanced toward the pond. “There’s more.”
“What?”
“I shouldn’t be telling you this.”
“Please.”
“He called me.”
“The hotline?”
“No, my cell. But he might have thought it was the hotline.”
“Why? What did he say?”
“The good news is that he didn’t have a plan to kill himself. But he is having thoughts of doing so.”
“Oh my God. When? When did he call?”
“A few days ago.”
“And you didn’t tell me? You didn’t tell Faith?”
“Hope. It’s confidential.”
“The hotline is confidential. But you said he called your cell.”
“I think it was a mistake. I think he meant to call the hotline.”
“But he didn’t.”
“Hope. I swear. He’s only in the early stages of contemplation. I’ve been keeping an eye on him.”
“When we went on our date? You knew then?” Austin looked at the ground. “I can’t believe this.” She was furious with him, but Josh was more important. “What do we do? We have to tell Faith.”
“I don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because you don’t want him to feel cornered. He won’t even talk to me in person. He’s waiting to see if I’ll betray his confidence. Which I just did.”
