Badass Zombie Road Trip

by Tonia Brown

  Dale ceased his lurch and growled at his father. “What do you want?”

  “The same thing you want. Redemption. Freedom. To finally be able to stop looking over my shoulder after all these years.”

  Jonah tried to get to his feet to help Candy, but found himself unable to rise. His knee was beyond hurting, well past painful. It screamed so badly with pain that his very eyeballs throbbed. There he remained, flat on his ass against his boulder, staring helplessly at the proceedings.

  “You sold my soul?” Dale asked.

  Mike nodded.

  “Your own son?” Jonah asked.

  “Why else would I father a brat in the first place?” Mike asked.

  “How could you?” Dale asked.

  With a shrug, Mike said, “I was surprised you didn’t mention it at my home. I thought that’s what you guys were there for. It took a little while for me to realize you must have had your memory wiped. Otherwise, you would never have come to see me in person.”

  “Why would you do that to me? I’m your son.”

  “Do you know how much power there is in the soul of a firstborn son?”

  “Bastard,” Candy hissed.

  Mike answered her remark by yanking more tightly on her hair and pressing down on the blade. “You have no idea, little girl. No fucking idea.”

  Candy grimaced as a small stream of crimson trickled down her neck.

  “So much power. So much potential.” The mad man lowered his nose to her hairline and drew a deep breath. A lascivious leer consumed his face. “I could have been anyone I wanted after that kind of offering. Had anyone I wanted. I could have had everything. I deserved everything. But it all went to waste when Kathy found out.”

  “Mom?” Dale asked, his voice dipping into a preteen whimper.

  “After she found out, she got in my way.” Mike yanked on Candy’s hair again before he said through gritted teeth, “And no one gets in my way.”

  Dale shook his head and stared at his dad, obviously having trouble understanding his father’s words. “Clare said mom hung herself.”

  “Oh, she hung herself, all right. At least that’s what the coroner’s report said. And considering I’ve known Bill since we were kids, that was real easy to fix.” Mike chuckled with a sound eerily similar to the Devil’s own laughter. “But it was all for shit in the end. Turns out the soul of a mouthy wife is no substitute for the soul of a mouthy son.”

  “Murderer!” Dale screamed.

  murder her… murder her… murder her …

  The zombie lurched forward again, only to stop at a pain-filled scream from Candy. Mike had whipped the blade across her collarbone, cutting her to the quick and leaving a wide gash. Jonah tried to rise again, but Lucifer took him by the shoulder and held him still.

  “Let them have their little father-son moment,” Satan whispered.

  “Next time it will be her throat!” Mike yelled as he positioned the blade under Candy’s chin again. “I swear it!”

  wear it… wear it… wear it …

  “Go ahead, hun,” Candy said. “I’d gladly give my life to see you kick this joker’s ass.”

  “Don’t tempt me,” Mike sneered.

  “You killed my mom,” Dale said. “You fucker.”

  “I hated to lose an asset like that,” Mike said. “She was good for my image. Smart, pretty face, nice body… that is, until you came along. But she didn’t agree with the way I did business, so I had to deal with her. What I didn’t plan on was her cunt of a sister stealing you out from under me during the funeral. After that, I was as good as fucked. And not in the nice way.”

  Jonah smirked. Way to go, Clare!

  “I’ve waited fifteen years for this moment,” Mike said. “Fifteen extra years to cash in on your damn soul. Fifteen years of trying not to die before you finally found me.”

  “Or you would have gone to Hell instead,” Jonah said.

  Mike nodded at Jonah. “Someone had to lose a soul, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be me.”

  And all at once, Jonah understood. This time, he understood everything. Well, almost everything. “The original contract required the soul of a firstborn son, which I’m guessing you are, as well?”

  “Yeah. Satan is right; you are clever.”

  “I don’t get it,” Dale said.

  “He renegotiated the terms of the contract,” Jonah said.

  “Being a lawyer does have its privileges,” Mike said.

  “Which is why I try not to work with them,” Satan said.

  Jonah ignored the comments and continued, explaining as much for his own benefit as for that of the soft-minded zombie. “Your father set a trap for you. The new deal declared that Lucifer couldn’t get his soul until he died naturally or you crossed the California state line, whichever came first. Then all he had to do was stay alive until you came looking for your estranged father. After which your soul would be forfeit, and he would be off the hook.”

  Shooting Satan a nasty look, Mike added, “But Clare found out. Someone warned her.”

  “So sue me,” Lucifer said. “Oh yeah, you already tried that. Didn’t you?”

  “Then you,” Mike said, throwing the word like a poison dart at Jonah. “You come along with your little sob story about your best fucking friend and go and make a new deal with his highness here. When he came and told me what was going on… how the rules had changed because of your little act of martyrdom… I thought I would—well, let’s just say it took a tremendous amount of restraint not to just slip some rat poison into your fucking coffee when you showed up on my doorstep.”

  In the midst of this drama, a loud beep sounded. An alarm. From the Devil’s timer.

  Jonah pressed the only button on the damned thing and announced, “Five minutes left.”

  “You still have time?” Mike asked. “What the fuck, Lucifer? You said they were done hours ago.”

  “Last time we talked, they were,” Satan said. “But Team Jonah added a new player and extended their innings.”

  Mike curled his hand in Candy’s hair, ever tighter, with a wince and grimace from her. “I see. Well, then. We will just sit here for the next five minutes and wait. Shall we? After all, no one has anywhere to go but down.”

  “I won’t let you take my friends,” Dale said.

  “And what are you going to do about it?”

  Dale turned and dropped on one knee in front of Lucifer, lowering his head in submission. “Just take me. I forfeit. I quit. Whatever. Just call this off.”

  Lucifer was impressed. “A soulless man with morals? This is new. Your little pal must have rubbed off on you.”

  “You wanted me from the beginning. This is all about me. Just take me and let them go.”

  But Jonah wouldn’t hear of it. “No. It’s my fault he came to California. Just take me.”

  Satan rolled his eyes. “Oh for shit’s sake. Not this again. Look, son, it wasn’t your fault. Okay?”

  “But I drove him there after he asked me—”

  “At my recommendation.” For the flash of an instant, Satan was replaced by the full-bodied waitress from the restaurant. The same waitress who convinced Jonah that helping Dale face his demons was a great idea. Then the image shifted back to Lucifer once more. “And I would like to point out that that little bit of manipulation occurred before our verbal contract. So don’t whine about breaking the rules to me, because you’re one to talk.”

  Just when Jonah thought he’d figured everything out, it seemed Satan still had a few aces up his devilish sleeves. “I’ll be damned.”

  “Soon enough, kid.” Lucifer winked. “Soon enough.”

  “I still deserve to go to Hell after I lied to Dale. I’ll forfeit and you can take just me.”

  “No,” Dale said. “Take me.”

  “Hey!” Mike cried. “No one is going anywhere until that fucking watch counts down to zero!”

  row… row… row …

  “Your boat, gently down the stream,” Luc
ifer sang, just under his breath, and with his signature smile sunnier than ever.

  “You shut up,” Mike demanded. “How much time is left?”

  “Two minutes, thirty seconds,” Jonah said.

  Mike threw Candy across the boardwalk. “Say your goodbyes to your shitty pals.”

  Candy tumbled into Dale’s arms, the zombie catching her before she could hit the ground. He hugged her tight, then the pair of them joined Jonah, including him in their last moment of group affection. In the cool of the caverns, under the watchful eye of the Devil, the three cowered together, waiting for the end.

  “I’m sorry we couldn’t find my soul, man,” Dale said.

  “It’s okay,” Jonah said. “I don’t think you were really using it.”

  “For what it’s worth,” Candy said. “I’m really glad I met you. Both of you.”

  “Yeah,” Dale said. “And I just got used to you and your fresh mouth.”

  “At least it’s not rotten.” Candy punched the zombie lightly on his arm.

  “Watch it,” Dale said. “I may be rotten but I’m still prime A beef, baby.”

  Candy turned to Jonah, lowering her eyes in a sudden bout of shyness. “Jonah, I know you wanted to wait for love next time, but I totally would have… you know. I mean, if you had wanted.”

  Jonah lifted her face by the chin and said, “I wanted.”

  She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss just on the edge of his mouth, and with it, Jonah knew he would die a happy man.

  “Go ahead then,” Dale said. “Don’t mind me.”

  “What?”

  “Make out. You have plenty of time to bone her.”

  Jonah glanced at the watch. “Dale, we have less than a minute left. I can’t make love to a woman in less than a minute.”

  The zombie, iniquitous to the end, smiled wide, showcasing his blackened molars and oozing bicuspids. “That’s not what I’ve heard.”

  All Jonah could do was shake his head and laugh.

  “That’s all very touching, but you still lose,” Mike said. “I win.”

  “No, you don’t,” Lucifer said. “I win.”

  Mike snorted. “Whatever. I’m erased from your list, that’s all that counts.”

  “If you say so.”

  Narrowing his eyes, Mike asked, “What does that mean?”

  Lucifer whistled and looked at his nails as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

  Mike advanced on Satan, brandishing his weapon as if it could damage the Lord of Darkness. “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “If you must know,” Satan said. “It means you are off my list.”

  “Damn right.”

  “But consider yourself crossed off. Not erased.”

  Jonah didn’t know what that meant, but it seemed to make all sorts of sense to Mike. The man began to tremble, though whether with rage or fear was hard to tell. He shook his head and jawed the air in silence for a moment before he managed to find his voice.

  “No,” he whispered. Then, louder, he said, “They didn’t find his soul. That was the deal. They lost, and now he stands in for me. That was our deal.”

  “Wrong again,” Lucifer said. “The deal with the boy was simple. All Jonah had to do was cart your son’s bag of bones to the place where his soul was hidden. That’s all.”

  Mike’s eyes went wide with panic. “That’s not what you told me!”

  me… me… me …

  Lucifer touched the tip of a long forefinger to the end of his chin. “I must have lied. Imagine that.”

  The watch alarmed.

  Beep! Beep! Beep!

  Jonah lowered his head in a cringe at the last sound he supposed he would ever hear. But the beeping of the watch wasn’t the last sound he would ever hear. Nor was the high-pitched scream of Dale’s father that quickly followed. Jonah snapped his eyes up just in time to see Satan resting his burning blue hands against Mike’s chest. The mortal shuddered and jerked and danced under the Devil’s clutch, jigging with electric jolts until he finally gave up the ghost.

  Literally.

  The man’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he went slack from head to toe. His body fell over the rail of the boardwalk and disappeared into the rushing waters beneath. Mike Jenkins was gone.

  “What to do with this?” Satan said. He looked around, searching for someplace to put the glowing, yellow orb that filled his right palm. Digging in his jacket for a moment, he pulled free a worn-out beer bottle. “Dang. This one is already full.” He held the thing out to the zombie. “Thirsty?”

  “Not really,” Dale said.

  “For fuck’s sake!” Jonah shouted. “Shut up and do it!”

  duet… duet … duet …

  “All right,” the zombie said. “Geesh. Keep your fucking panties on.” Dale snatched the bottle and turned it up. And as he drank, he changed.

  Gone was the sallow green color.

  Gone was the putrid scent.

  Gone were the rotten flesh and oozing discharge and milky eyes.

  His thumb even grew back.

  “Not bad,” Dale said, after a healthy burp. “I prefer dark ale, but that was okay.” As he spoke, there was something new to his voice, a quality and character that had been missing for the last few days. Not to mention the fact that he looked a heck of a lot more alive than he had for some time.

  “Dale?” Jonah asked.

  “Yeah?”

  “Is that you? I mean, really you?”

  Dale patted his chest and torso. “I think so. Oh, wait.” Awareness filled the man’s eyes, which were already bursting with life. “Yeah, I get it now. Yeah! I’m me again! I’m whole!”

  hole… hole… hole …

  A great whoop of success went up from the three of them. Candy and Dale hugged each other and punched the air and kicked the wooden walkway, and Jonah wanted to get up and dance a jig of joy for their victory, but his ruined knee left him sprawling on the boardwalk. Candy and Dale righted him with gentle laughter.

  “I take it you have all you need?” Satan asked.

  “How?” Jonah asked, quite out of breath from his victory fall.

  “Easy, I gave Dale’s soul to his father. He had it when you arrived four days ago. And, per the deal, you brought Dale’s body to the place where his soul was hidden, thus you won.”

  Candy and Dale cried out in joy again, but Jonah understood the full implication of it all. He hushed his friends and asked, “We won four days ago?”

  Satan nodded. “It would seem so. Yes.”

  “Then why put us through all of this? The last four days have been a nightmare.”

  “Because that wasn’t the whole deal. The deal was you come to me with a tale to tell and I put Dale’s soul back. What kind of story is a drive from Reno to Sacramento? Boring!”

  ring… ring… ring …

  “Who cares, Jonah?” Dale asked. “We won.”

  “Yeah, but don’t you see? This was never about you and me. This was all about snagging your dad.”

  “My dad …” Dale looked to the railing and fell quiet. “He killed my mother. He deserved what was coming to him.” Dale gave a soft sniffle. “Mom. He killed my mom.”

  Candy pulled him close, and the man broke down in her arms. “Hush, hun. It’s all said and done. Just let it go.”

  “Speaking of going,” Satan said. “It’s time I took my leave.” The Devil turned on his heel and started to walk away.

  “Wait,” Jonah said. “Can I ask one more thing?”

  “For my favorite human, sure.”

  Jonah limped to the Devil and, leaning on him, asked in a hushed voice, “Why do this? If Dale never planned on returning to California anyway, then why drag us all into this? You already had a contractual claim to Mike’s soul. Why not just wait for him to die naturally?”

  With that grin that Jonah had come to know so well, Satan proclaimed, “Now where’s the fun in that?”

  Jonah groaned. He should have expected the answe
r, but it rubbed him raw nonetheless.

  “And sorry about your knee, son,” Satan said. “I’m afraid I can’t help you with that.”

  “Don’t worry,” Jonah said. “I don’t want or need your kind of help anymore.”

  “Very well. And very wise.”

  “So that’s just it? We are all free?”

  “Free as the wind blows.” Satan gave Jonah one last wink. “You kids stay out of trouble. Hear me?”

  With that said, Satan disappeared, leaving Jonah without support. He grimaced as his injured leg took his full weight before he could stop it. After limping to the weeping form of his best friend, Jonah wrapped his arms around Dale and rested his ear against the sobbing man’s back. There he held his friends, closed his eyes and reveled in the sweetest sound he’d heard since this whole madness began.

  The steady thump of Dale’s beating heart.

  lublub… lublub… lublub …

  After some time, Jonah felt a light touch on his shoulder. He raised his head to greet Candy’s smile.

  “So this is the real Dale?” she asked softly.

  “Yeah,” Jonah said.

  “I like him.” She hugged the weeping man tighter as she kept her eyes on Jonah. “Almost as much as I like you.”