Raw

by Lydia Davies

  9 December 2011

  From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

  Dear Miss Davies,

  We have received a referral from Dr ***** ******, Consultant Psychiatrist, at the Eating Disorder Service in Newcastle. As confirmed on the phone this morning, I am writing with the following triage assessment appointment:

  Monday 12 December 2011 at 9 a.m.

  With ****** ***, Senior Dietitian

  Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about the appointment.

  Yours sincerely,

  ***** ***

  Medical Secretary

  On behalf of the Eating Disorder Service

  After my diagnosis I was in complete denial. I was so detached from reality that I could not differentiate between dreams and real-life events. I was clueless as to which was which.

  15 December 2011

  A note left for my mum

  hi MUM

  I have had such a positive day for myself today. I enjoyed most of the falafel starters + stuff.

  Then had a good SLOW supper INCLUDING carbs! + a second bit (small + early so don’t worry) of spag bol.

  I look forward to all the fun stuff we can do together when I am better.

  I love u very much + see you tomorrow.

  Lydia xo

  From this point on I used my phone notes religiously to record my thoughts and feelings, as well as many crazy ideas and dreams that I had. I felt enlightened. I was running on a mixture of adrenalin, starvation and nervous energy. Combined, these fuels made me feel alert, invincible, powerful and generally wired. I felt euphoric, as though I could achieve anything I wanted, and that I had the power to defy nature and survive on nothing. I wasn’t like any other person around me; I had some special force within, to stay completely in control of my body. To me, everyone else seemed so bland, so conforming to the ideas of society. They woke up, ate, got on with their day-to-day tasks. I was always awake, never ate and had a mind spilling with important epiphanies, a special knowledge and outlook on life that no one else could even imagine. I did not need anything, sometimes not even water. I did not need people telling me I was sick. How did I know THEY weren’t all sick? I was above all these people, floating in clouds and sparkles, on edge constantly, a beautiful nervousness and buzzing feeling that I could not describe.

  21 December 2011

  My blog post

  Been looking at loads of inspiring stuff recently to keep myself on the right track:

  -an old woman’s M&S jacket that I ordered

  -Bob Marley lyrics

  -Thin by Grace Bowman

  -the desire to pursue and achieve my goals

  That book, Thin, is more comforting than I can possibly describe. Once I have finished reading it I will review it on here. (But I would already recommend it to anyone and everyone as it really gives such an honest and true account and deep insight of what this illness is like. It is the most accurate explanation and portrayal of the thoughts and ways it all works that I have come across … It’s mad to read.)

  But more inspiring than anything is the love and support I have received and am continuing to receive from my absolutely incredible family and friends. I cannot begin to explain how grateful I am for the people I have around me. I feel so lucky for being a part of my family, as each and every one of them is just amazing. Their support inspires me. As does the support of my friends. Seeing some of the best the other night; although it was briefer than I would have liked, it inspired me and helped me gain further determination. I am eternally grateful for these people! XXO

  28 December 2011

  My blog post

  Christmas Day

  Woke up pure early, as per.

  Did stockings in Mum and Dad’s bed like babies.

  Prepared carrots and sprouts like good daughter.

  Drove to see the rest of the family in London. All of my dad’s side of the family were there so it was quite a big one. We drank champagne and had high spirits. It was really nice for everyone to be there actually, as that’s a fairly rare happening (especially as family live out in Cuba as well).

  Then there was the lunch. A 20lb turkey (which still looked huuuuuge by the end of the meal; they will be munching turkey for weeks!). I feasted on my own lunch but developed a taste for parsnips and decided they are genuinely amazing. Felt like a bit of a turning point actually. Very positive.

  Nap time/phone call time.

  Present time – some money, which I plan to spend on some kind of magazine subscription … (otherwise I will just waste it on unnecessary items).

  Drink more champagne and wine/be exhausted/want to get home/hurry up, Mum.

  Home and MULLED WINE. Too much mulled wine actually, but it’s so divine.

  SO. In conclusion I had an amazing Christmas this year. I look forward to next year when I can maybe skip the nap part, and enjoy and indulge on even more parsnips – and perhaps other items too. Everybody overdoes it on Christmas Day. So it made me feel a lot better … everyone should be and is allowed to do so. Accepting that it’s not wrong to indulge sometimes was a pretty powerful thought, I reckon. I hope everyone else had very neat Christmases and enjoyed their presents and parsnips as much as I did.

  Peace out.

  I felt very left out, which prompted me to make a very DRASTIC decision … I was going to try a parsnip. I picked one out of the bowl in the middle of the table and dropped it in to my Tupperware, examining the coating of honey and oil as precisely as I possibly could. I took a tiny bite, and OH MY GOD IT WAS INCREDIBLE. I ate the whole holy parsnip piece, and proceeded to pile another eight onto my plate. I genuinely had never tasted anything so amazing in my life as the sacred honey-glazed parsnip. I ate more and more of them, my family staring at me in both amazement and shock. I then asked for more and my father suggested that I might have had enough and should probably stop. I flew into a silent fury, ran upstairs and cried my eyes out, humiliated. I rang my boyfriend in tears for comfort, and then fell asleep for three hours from exhaustion, missing the present opening. It is a horrible feeling to have everyone begging and pleading with you to eat more constantly, only to have those same people tell you to stop eating when you are finally discovering the pleasure in food. It was both an infuriating and embarrassing concept to me. I understand that they guessed how bad I would feel after consuming so much, and they were probably trying to spare me from the painful emotions that would undoubtedly follow; but I just didn’t understand how they decided and assumed that they had the right to tell me NOT to eat after telling me to eat for so long! I was five fucking stone, for god’s sake, and all I ate was a few damn parsnips. They were all over double what I weighed, and had been stuffing their greedy gobs all day with piles of fatty foods. HOW DARE THEY? I would class this parsnip incident as my first binge, and there were many more to follow.

  29 December 2011

  My blog post

  Hours pass at a time as I drift between thought and sleep through the night.

  30 December 2011

  From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

  Dear Dr *******,

  Re: Lydia Davies. DOB 04.08.1991.

  Thank you for referring the above patient to the Eating Disorder Service. Lydia was seen by me for assessment on 12/12/11.

  Presenting problem:

  Lydia suffers with anorexia nervosa.

  Past history:

  Lydia describes the problem originating in depression. She has also become vegan as a bet with her brother at Easter 2010, and had started losing weight due to the change in her diet. This got worse in the summer after she was diagnosed with genital warts and found the diagnosis and treatment humiliating and felt unable to tell anyone about it. She spent a lot of time alone over the summer and said she spent too much time thinking, which made things worse. Her weight had dropped from around 60kg at Easter in 2010 to 47kg in the summer of 2011. Since returning to university in September her weight loss seems to have escalated and by
the beginning of December 2011 she was 37kg. She is aware that others think this is a problem and she is very underweight, but Lydia’s understanding of how serious this is appears to fluctuate somewhat.

  Current eating pattern:

  At assessment Lydia described following a vegan diet and avoids wheat as she believes she may be wheat intolerant. She doesn’t eat nuts as she doesn’t like them and tends to avoid carbohydrates.

  A typical day’s diet would be:

  Breakfast – two spoons of oats

  Lunch – salad with beans or tofu

  Dinner – soup with salad and some kidney beans

  In addition, she drinks 1 litre of chocolate soya milk daily and copious amounts of diet cola, tea and coffee.

  Weight and weight history:

  Weight on assessment was 37kg, height 1.677m, BMI 13.1.

  She said her normal weight has been around 60kg, which would be a BMI of 21.

  Bulimic behaviours:

  Lydia said she had vomited on a few occasions in September when she felt out of control but has never binged and has not vomited for some time.

  Cognitions:

  Lydia described being unhappy with her body as she knew she was too thin.

  Co-morbidity/risk factors:

  Lydia feels she has suffered with low mood off and on for some time. She was prescribed Citalopram for this, which she found helpful, but this was stopped due to possible cardiac side effects. She said she sometimes felt quite low but would not do anything to harm herself.

  Menstrual history:

  Her periods started around age 15 and were regular until September 2010 when they stopped.

  Family situation:

  Lydia has moved back home to live with her parents. Her mother Beverley is 53 and is a yoga and sports teacher. Her father Mark is 54 and is a property broker who works abroad during the week and spends the weekends with his family. She has a brother, Matthew, 23, who is living at home and works as a music producer, and a sister, Pascale, who is 17 and at boarding school in Eastbourne.

  Diagnosis:

  Anorexia nervosa.

  Summary:

  Lydia is a 20-year-old student of fashion communication at university in Newcastle. She has had difficulties with low mood for some time and has been losing weight since Easter 2010. Her weight loss has escalated in the last few months and she has returned home to live with her family. She has arranged to defer her final year at Newcastle in order to concentrate on recovery from her anorexia.

  She has been seen weekly at our service and has struggled to make any significant changes to her eating as yet. She has agreed to a referral being made to our day patient unit and if she has not been able to start gaining weight over the next three weeks would agree to start attending the day unit for refeeding.

  She has also been seeing a psychologist privately who she said she found helpful and has been helping her to remain mindful about her difficulties.

  Yours sincerely,

  ****** ***

  Clinical Specialist Dietitian

  2012

  2 January 2012

  My blog post

  New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Day. New Year’s Resolutions. New Year’s Me. New Year’s Eve was very neat. Lots and lots of prosecco with a few of my closest friends.

  Candle-lit dinner and nibbles with sparkling wine with some relaxing company was divine, before heading down to a chilled-out pub in Reigate for champagne and fireworks on TV.

  I managed to stay out till midnight, which was an achievement in itself, before heading home with my brother and friend to watch Bridesmaids (again) and drink even more (prosecco, Pimm’s, finishing with mulled wine. ERROR).

  New Year’s Day, I’ m pretty sure I was still drunk till at least 3 p.m. I felt fucking horrendous. So yesterday doesn’t count. My new year begins today and here are my resolutions:

  -First and foremost, recover. If you don’t have your health you can’t do a lot

  -French – an hour a day

  -Drink less alcohol

  -Secure internship as something to work towards

  -Be able to drive by Easter

  -Be able to work and start a course by Easter

  -Blog more frequently

  -Drink fewer fizzy drinks

  -Chew less gum

  -Take an interesting photograph each day

  Right, admittedly I’ve already broken most of these. But as general targets I hope they will help and encourage me to get better and make this year not like the last one. I hope to be where I want to be this time next year, and in order to do that I know what I have to do.

  2011 happened in rapid slow motion. A turbulent experience that was so fast and involved so many events and different emotions that it felt equivalent to years. 2012 happened in just slow motion. The road to recovery is time consuming, difficult and exhausting. It is a dull process in comparison to the excitement and thrill that the opposite route I was previously endeavouring to take gave me.

  6 January 2012

  My blog post

  Right.

  I can’t do this any more. I’ve gained a new level of determination now and I will not let it get away.

  I will move to Paris. I will have a future. There are too many amazing people, goals, opportunities and ideas to waste. I’ve regained the desire to enable and give myself the chance to be able to explore the world and experience life.

  Short, unexplained but necessary post.

  14 January 2012

  My blog post

  THE ONE

  Yesterday (yes, after a glass of prosecco – in vino veritas; I have become a strong believer of this, especially of the sparkling type), after a very negative and schizy few days, I had a positive change of mindset, which I am praying is THE ONE. It certainly feels like it could well be. I’ve even decided I like ketchup (not Heinz – you wanna get ‘Real Ketchup’, it’s Unreal, trust). Anyways, I followed this positivity on today, ensuring I’d maintain this mindful state I have re-entered. The fact that I still have it today and plan to continue to do so is too good, and extremely vital when time is of the essence. Which I know now it very much is (and especially seeing as it’s 2012 ’n’ that now, ha). I went to Brighton today.

  I appreciated and was so inspired by the colours, sounds, people, clothes, and the general atmosphere (although I was absolutely freezing, etc.). It is one of the places I have always loved the most and feel at home at. Getting a little flat there and working in a vegan shop is yet another thing I would love to do.

  Found some cool little pubs and vintage shops I’d not experienced before either, which I will definitely be returning to in the near future. I got a tattoo on my wrist at some place called Angelic Hell. The power I experienced from choosing something that I (as in the real me) wanted to do was an amazing feeling. It further enforced the FACT that I can turn all this around. If I focus on fact over feeling it is me that can do it. The pain of the tattoo across my bone was such a different type of pain from the kind I have experienced over this past year. It was inspiring, actually. I enjoyed the sense that it was a pain for a decision that I (Lydia) was making. Knowing it was a confirmed decision of something that I actually wanted to do to myself, rather than the act of something else causing / & that has caused me so much damage was just such a positive.

  Meaning: I want peace with myself. The two arguing mindsets at war must find peace … and in order for that to happen I must remain mindful and push towards the necessary change. Every time I see it I will remember I must be mindful, and in the future when I see it I can reflect just how important and amazing to my life it was to make that peace. Lastly, I’m dedicating this long, rambling post that I’m sure many will not follow, to my brother. Thank you, brother, cos although you might not realise it you have helped and inspired me a ridiculous amount; you’re like a good vice. And I appreciate it and your free-spirited self so much.

  I love you xxo

  17 January 2012

  From m
y psychiatrist

  Dear Lydia,

  I received a letter from Ms **** from the Eating Disorder Service on 10 January 2012 informing me that you have decided to defer your studies and concentrate on recovering from anorexia nervosa. I think you have made the right decision for you as it was clear that you struggled to make changes while you were still a student at Northumbria University. I am sure that with the support of your family and input from the local eating disorder service, you have a good chance of making a full recovery. I anticipate that they will be managing the clinical depression that you have developed at the same time, although it is difficult sometimes to treat this while the patient is of a low bodyweight.

  Can I ask you therefore to email us to confirm that we can discharge you, for the time being, from follow-up by our service? When the time is nearer to your return to Newcastle I would be grateful if the Eating Disorder Service could contact us to alert us to this so we can arrange to have a review with myself and a member of the local community mental health team to agree on a care plan that would meet your needs.

  Best wishes for your good health.

  Yours sincerely,

  Dr ***** ******

  Consultant Psychiatrist

  18 January 2012

  From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

  Dear Lydia,

  You have been invited to attend the Eating Disorder Unit for further appointments. These appointments are to continue the preparation process to determine whether day care is currently best to suit your needs and whether you might benefit from it. If these sessions indicate that day care is not the appropriate treatment option at this time, further recommendations will be made.

  Yours sincerely,