Raw

by Lydia Davies

  I have a strong feeling I should not post this because I sound genuinely mad. Fuck!

  But really I could not give a fuck.

  10 May 2012

  My blog post

  Refuse to admit defeat

  I FEEL completely defeated. But I am NOT completely defeated. Feelings are not real. Facts are real. And it is a fact that so much bad is happening in this world, people suffering in countless different ways, people in the worst imaginable situations; my problems cannot be that big.

  To me they can seem very big. Too big to face and to fight. But that would be so weak of me. Such a cop-out. If other people can get through this, and much worse things in life, then I can stop being such a pussy and deal with it. If there was a miracle cure I would take it in a second, but sadly there is not. Sadly it is all down to very, very, very hard work and perseverance. The support and attempted help I have received from those I love is incredible. I owe it to them to heal myself.

  13 May 2012

  My blog post

  You know what?

  Fuck them all. Fuck it.

  VENOMOUS & ANGRY.

  21 May 2012

  My blog post

  Never

  Been this unmotivated

  Or low.

  Broken and can’t be fixed.

  Something or someone needs to get in my life and CHANGE it.

  21 May 2012

  A letter from me to my mum

  Dear Mummy,

  Sorry I am such a disgrace. I am a fat, greedy pig. It’s disgusting. I am so embarrassed to be me, and I’m sure you are all equally (if not more) ashamed and disgusted by me.

  The thought of going to work right now/anyone seeing me is making me feel sick. I have eaten a ‘good lunch’. But it’s made me feel even more greedy. This is not going to go away. I am not anorexic. I am greedy. I had control over it before, but now I have none. I hate myself so much. I don’t feel content in any situation or place (apart from when I am asleep). I can’t fit in anywhere. I don’t feel happy or calm anywhere. I don’t belong in this family, and it becomes more and more obvious to me all the time. I am not like you. I am not happy, kind or caring. Like ALL of you are. I’m selfish, greedy and embarrassing. I want more than anything to end it all, but I don’t think I can because of what it might do to you.

  Please, though. No more mention that I’m ‘ill’. I’m not. And the constant labelling of me as ill just gives me some kind of excuse to carry on my unacceptable behaviour. Which isn’t what I want. I am going back to raw veganism. My choice. I need some guidance from something. I’m terrified of life. I’m scared no one will ever love me again. This makes me cry every night. I’m constantly scared I embarrass and disappoint you. I’m scared I will never be confident again. Or thin again. I don’t know how I will ever get a career. I worry that I can’t keep my room tidy. And that I watch time constantly. Basically I really just don’t like living. And I’m sorry for everything.

  But I just BEG of you. No more talk of illness. I can see the fat on me. I can see what my scales say. Don’t try to tell me I’m not fat. I’m huge. The number on the scale says it. I know what it says. So don’t try to convince me otherwise. Please!

  Sorry I’m your daughter. Not the daughter you probably wanted!

  Love from Lydia xo

  P.S. I cleaned your toilet. Sorry again. :(

  21 May 2012

  Email from a friend

  Hiya Lydia,

  Just seen a few of your posts on here and you seem really low; just wanted to send you a little message. At least on here you can either choose to delete or read anything and not have to listen to someone just talk at you. Want to urge you to keep your chin up and look back to your positive posts and artwork. When you feel dead shit and down remember what made you feel happy. Things are always gonna get rough but things get completely amazing too. You’re a cool girl with loads of talent and a cheeky personality which will take you far. There’s nothing not to like about you, Lydia; you’re sound as fuck, funny and got bags of style. You may be feeling rubbish at the moment when it’ll seem like your mates are finishing what you began with them and moving on to new and exciting things, but believe me, it’s not too late for you to do the same. Look at me: closer to 30 than 21 and I’ve almost finished a course I don’t want to do. So, fuck! I can do what I want, and so can you! Why not?! No one can ever say they’ve got or have done what they really completely want to do but you need to be happy with the good things you’ve got; really good things, like your family!

  I don’t want to sound like a patronising preacher and you can tell me to fuck off if you like, but I just wanted to let you know, cos people don’t tell the truth often enough or their feelings when they should be said.

  If you need someone just to listen or owt, give me a bell, pet …

  ***********

  x x

  23 May 2012

  My blog post

  Shit read

  As a child:

  I was extremely carefree, had a croaky voice and loved hugs.

  My fondest memory:

  There are too many. Water fight in the garden in Germany. France with Liv. Every special time with every special person. Laughing uncontrollably at the theatre with Jess. Being in the windmill.

  Travelling with the family. Just, loads.

  I am not jealous of:

  People who work hard to earn what they have.

  I believe:

  That we are atoms.

  The last time I cried:

  Yesterday. My bad.

  If I could change one thing:

  It would be my personality. I would make it not addictive.

  The nicest thing:

  Is being in Paris with my dada.

  The shittest thing:

  Is being stuck. Having nothing to do. Being let down. (And war.)

  To me the word ‘feminist’ means:

  Vote.

  The last time I felt truly happy:

  Was in Cuba.

  In ten years’ time:

  I hope to look back at the current situation and laugh (even though it’s not funny, ha ha). To be successful. Wouldn’t mind a mansion as well.

  My favourite meal of the day is:

  —

  When I was younger:

  I wanted to peg up people’s clothes for a living.

  My favourite night in:

  Must always include wine.

  My simplest pleasure:

  Is adding elderflower and a slice of cucumber to an icy cold glass of wine. Beautiful.

  Getting old:

  Is absolutely terrifying.

  I could not get through the day:

  Without nicotine or caffeine.

  When I look in the mirror:

  I try not to look in the mirror.

  The biggest influence on the way I dress:

  My mood. And cover-up, of course.

  On my bedside table:

  Are books that I don’t read but make me look clever. Water, always water.

  The person I spend most time with:

  Is my mother.

  The strangest thing:

  Is the human race. We are so fucking weird when you think about it.

  To me depression means:

  Shit days, shit thoughts.

  I’ve never had a crush on:

  Anyone – cos I refuse to associate myself with that cringe phrase.

  To escape:

  I sleep. Failing that, I play Jetman on my phone.

  I would like to say sorry:

  To so many people so many times.

  I have attempted suicide on several occasions in this state of mind. Trying to purge and not being able to is possibly the most heartbreaking and disappointing thing I can experience. Sometimes it gets so bad and I get so frustrated with my stupid body not being able to puke that I feel I have no option but to go to another drastic level of punishing myself and hurting my fat body. I have drunk cleaning product in an attempt to induce vom
iting (didn’t work), I have overdosed three times – partly in an attempt to make myself sick, partly because I feel so bad about my actions that I actually want to be dead – I have cut my arms and slashed my wrists, I have bitten and scratched myself and tried to suffocate myself. I even tried to drive the car on its roof, for god’s sake!

  25 May 2012

  From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

  Dear Dr *********,

  I reviewed Lydia in the clinic today. This was an urgent appointment arranged following contact with Lydia’s mother who was concerned about Lydia’s mood. Lydia has been really struggling with feelings of self-loathing and hatred and this is being exacerbated by the binge episodes she is experiencing. She left a suicide note for her parents and was found by her mother with a plastic bag over her head recently, prompting her mother to get in touch. She feels low all day, every day, and her concentration is poor, as is her volition. She feels death would be a good escape from the anorexic thoughts and from facing the aftermath of feelings following a binge. Lydia describes feeling quite low in mood without being able to see a future. She feels powerless to control the binge episodes and restricts the rest of the time. She struggles with sticking to the diet plan and feels her days are full of thinking about food. She is not driving and this restricts where and what she can do. She also has no structure to her day as many activities she had organised she either lost interest in or they fell through. She is also sad about the fact that she has not completed her degree because of the anorexia and today would have been the last day of her course.

  Yours sincerely,

  Dr ***** **

  Consultant Psychiatrist

  28 May 2012

  From the Eating Disorder Service, NHS

  Dear Dr *********,

  At her appointment with me today, Lydia reported persistence of the low mood. She said that the suicidal thoughts have abated somewhat over the past few days but are recurring intermittently. She said that when she wrote the suicide note last week and was found by her mother attempting to asphyxiate herself she did wish to die. She attributed this to intense feelings of guilt relating to having consumed her mother’s cereal as part of a binge episode. Lydia explained that for her this incident represented the ultimate loss of control and reinforced the felt sense of hopelessness; in particular that, as she perceives it, her life presently has no purpose and is the source of emotional upset for others. Consequently, and as Lydia found it difficult to identify any concrete protective factors, I discussed with her the possibility of a referral to the Home Treatment Team. Lydia declined the option of this support and was emphatic in asserting that she will not end her life and is willing to hold the optimism of trialling the planned intervention when I return from annual leave. Lydia also confirmed she has the contact details for the out of hours telephone crisis support line and can of course present at A&E if there is any sudden further deterioration in her mood state. Lydia said that if she is unable to independently instigate contact with any such emergency service her parents, with whom she lives, would be able to do so. She can, of course, also contact our service for additional support if required.

  With regards to the pattern of her eating, Lydia reports her subjective experience is that this remains relatively chaotic. The pattern is primarily characterised by dietary restriction interspersed with an average of four episodes of binge eating per week. Each of these binge episodes presently remains followed by purging in the form of self-induced vomiting.

  Lydia’s weight at her psychology appointment today was 43.3kg, which with a height of 166.9cm gives a body mass index of 15.52.

  Lydia reports no other impulsive features to her presentation and in particular, no recurrence of the previous isolated instance of cutting. It would be useful, however, if ****** ***, Senior Dietitian, who is presently meeting with Lydia, could kindly on a weekly basis further explore the current level of alcohol use with her.

  Treatment:

  Lydia was open in explaining to me that she chose to meet with me today as she felt her choices were limited to this outpatient appointment or the potential need to revisit the possibility of preparation for day care. She explained she cancelled her most recent appointment with Mr ****** as she was mindful that it is not good clinical practice for someone to be engaged in therapy with two different practitioners simultaneously.

  When I asked Lydia about her current motivation to undertake treatment, she explained she would like support with managing the current depression and anxiety and would also like to overcome the binge episodes. I explained to Lydia that it is not possible to treat the binge eating in isolation from the other disordered eating behaviours, in particular the dietary restriction, and she was seemingly accepting of this. I explained, though, that when there are concerns regarding mood state and the maintenance of safety that a precursor to the active treatment of the eating disorder is often an intervention designed to build adaptive coping and increase emotional resilience. We discussed how such an intervention would include the development of emotion regulation skills, distress tolerance skills, interpersonal effectiveness and consolidation of the core mindfulness undertaken with Dr ******. Lydia expressed interest in undertaking such an intervention.

  With best wishes,

  Yours sincerely,

  Dr ******* *****

  Although I was eating a lot more calories now, mainly in the form of binges, the voice in my head was stronger and more brutal than ever. There was a constant devil in my mind. I have never been bullied, but the bullying I was doing to myself was worse than any harsh comment anyone could say to me. I ripped my own self-esteem to shreds and had zero confidence. I was ashamed to be me, and I wanted desperately to wear a balaclava whenever I left the house so that no one would have to look at my hideous face, and I could hide my humiliation beneath it. I wrote diaries and notes to myself constantly. Well, actually I didn’t, the voice did. Reading them back the majority are in the third person, talking TO me, instructing and insulting me. By eating again and gaining weight the illness was absolutely furious. Anorexia hissed violent and messed-up things to me constantly.

  1 June 2012

  A letter from me to my parents

  Dear Mum and Dad,

  Firstly, again I am more sorry than you will ever know. I don’t mean for it to be like this, and seeing how sad and disappointed you are in me makes me feel awful. I love you all so much, and I know you say you love me too but I can see you don’t like me (and I don’t blame you). Thank you for all the things you do for me, and thank you for trying to help me. I know it’s not fair at all, and if I could help the pain it causes you I would.

  I don’t deserve the kindness you try to give me, and I was blessed to be given such amazing parents (and family). I dislike myself more than anyone! So I know how you must feel.

  I am sorry again. Hate that I spoil everything (and I know that I do).

  Loads of love from,

  Your Lydia

  XXO

  1 June 2012

  My blog post

  List of things I hate/fear:

  - the NHS

  - eyeballs

  - paper-cutting your eyeballs

  - veins, arteries, capillaries

  - spiders, eight-legged freaks of nature!

  - Being by myself

  - Missing out

  - The future

  - The sea (and getting munched by a shark)

  - Getting attacked

  - Carbohydrates

  - Stubbing my toe

  - The dietitian

  - Not getting to the car first on a dog walk

  - Not being able to sleep

  - Dairy

  - Big horses

  - Hospitals

  - Flapping pigeons

  31 July 2012

  My blog post

  The summer so far has been horrible and quite good. Driving is also a massive positive. I feel proper powerful zooming around with Above & Beyond at chav volume with the windows down
. It’s my favourite thing to do. Though I am an absolutely awful driver. But, but, but, this summer has been bad. Because finding a job is impossible. Recovery is still like hell. My plan to transfer uni ain’t happenin’. I can’t sleep. I get too easily bored. My room is the messiest it’s ever been (perhaps reflecting my head). Everything just seems impossible, and like nothing is going to work/happen/etc., etc. On top of that, I miss my uni friends, and uni/having a focus, my last summer, the sun, having money, blah, blah, blaaahhh.

  3 August 2012

  My blog post

  This time last year was SO much better than this time this year. All I can hope is that this time next year is better again.

  Peace & love. Xxo

  The next big commotion in my life was extremely dramatic. I had been drinking wine at my friend’s house. I had driven myself there and the plan was for me to stay the night. As we spoke and laughed in her kitchen together, into the late hours of the night, I became increasingly drunk. It was one of those situations where I was drinking for the sake of it, every time my glass became empty I felt empty, so I would top it up constantly. Molly likes a glass of wine, too, but that was the difference – she could enjoy just one glass slowly and feel content, while I downed glass after glass, feeling less and less content.

  As it got later, and I got drunk, my appetite increased, and I could feel a binge coming on. Generally speaking my binges only usually happen in the comfort of my own home, and there are only a handful of occasions where they have taken place either in other people’s houses, or in public – on a train for instance. Once Molly went to bed, I could not stop eating. I bought myself some things to munch, but as soon as they were gone I needed more. I ended up eating a stupid amount of food out of Molly’s family kitchen, and I am still so ashamed of myself to this day.