Little Lost Girl: The Complete Series

by Angelique S. Anderson

  At the funeral service, Star walked up to the mahogany coffin and peered over the top. Inside, she saw her grandmother, ash white and lifeless, her hands folded across her chest. Her face was expressionless, but her hair was done in soft chestnut curls that adorned her pale skin like a halo. Star thought she looked pretty in her pale blue pantsuit, holding a floral bouquet that seemed as fresh as if she had just picked the flowers herself and then laid down for a nap.

  Star reached up to touch her grandmother’s wrinkled hand, and the chill was something unexpected. She realized at that moment her grandmother would never wrap her in a warm embrace or smile at her with sparkling eyes. She was asleep forever, adding one more unhappy memory to the pile of sad recollections she wished she could forget.

  She’s Got Personalities

  Chapter 2

  Not long after the funeral, Star’s parents moved from their small apartment into a two-bedroom house in a better part of town. The move afforded the family more living space and a safer neighborhood, but it was disruptive for Star because the school year was nearly over, and she had to transfer to a different school.

  Despite the new surroundings and new peers, she was still treated like an outcast. If anything, she was treated worse because her new neighborhood was more upscale, and she felt even more out of place. Loneliness had become the one constant in her life she could depend on, and a deep sadness that had taken root years ago continued to grow, casting a shadow on her soul.

  Star was too young to understand why kids treated her badly. She didn’t realize that an acrid smell of cigarettes clung to everything she wore. It didn’t help that her parents were struggling financially to make ends meet, and her wardrobe consisted of well-worn, thrift store hand-me-downs. If she had understood that, she would have known why the other kids kept their distance.

  Shortly after the move, Star’s parents joined a local church. Star soon discovered church was the only place kids were nice to her. She loved hearing stories about Jesus, and she loved singing songs about him. Her parents attended church often, and although she could not find her place at school, church was different. There, people hugged her and told her they loved her.

  As suddenly as the churchgoing had started, it stopped. Life began to change in other ways as well. The two-bedroom home her parents had rented developed plumbing problems. First, the toilets stopped working. The landlord fixed them, but then the bathtub stopped draining.

  Eventually, they discovered the plumbing issues were caused by tree roots clogging the septic line. The plumbing problems angered Star’s parents, and one day, they packed their belongings and moved into a hotel room that was even smaller than her grandpa’s trailer.

  Star’s new life crammed into a hotel room with her parents was difficult from day one. She slept on a mat on the floor between the nightstand and the dresser. The queen-size bed took up a good portion of the living space. Next to the narrow dresser, a five-foot countertop held a mini-fridge, a microwave, and a plug-in burner. Star was able to use the burner to make chili and boil water for macaroni and cheese.

  Before long, Star’s father and stepmother returned to old, familiar habits. A beer or two a day escalated into her dad bringing home cases of beer, and Star often tripped over empty beer cans scattered across the floor when she came home from school. She would kick them aside, grab her kite or homework, and spend the rest of the afternoon outside.

  Up to that point, Star’s parents had always stayed home. She only remembered a short time when her father had worked. She couldn’t understand how they were able to stay home or buy things. One day, her dad explained that her stepmother was sick—so sick, in fact, that the state gave her money to stay home. She wasn't sick with a physical disease; rather, he said, her head was sick. She didn’t deal with things the way normal people did.

  Star asked questions, and her father patiently answered as she struggled to comprehend her stepmother’s illness from a child’s perspective. He said Betty’s illness was called multiple-personality disorder, and she would need to take medication for the rest of her life to control the symptoms. He explained that having multiple personality disorder was like having different people living inside your head who all wanted different things.

  After Star had asked a few questions, she stopped listening. She had begun to realize her parents did and said a lot of things for their own benefit. Usually, those things affected her in a negative way and caused the sadness weighing down her soul to grow.

  As her parents’ drinking escalated and a few cans of beer turned into many bottles and empty cases, things started happening that frightened Star. It was another day of binge drinking and chain smoking when her stepmother’s personalities became apparent to Star for the first time. She had finished her school homework, and she was getting ready for bed, while her parents talked and drank. Star turned down her blanket on the floor, ready to crawl in, when she heard a voice she didn’t recognize.

  “Who said that?” Star asked, jumping to her feet. She turned around, glancing from her father to her stepmother.

  “Hi. I'm Lily. Do you want to color with me?”

  Star stared at her stepmother, wide-eyed, realizing that the unfamiliar voice had come from her. Frightened, she asked, “Daddy what is happening?”

  Belligerent and drunk, her father laughed and replied,

  “For God’s sake, Star, just color with her. She won’t hurt you.”A few days later, Star was finishing her homework when her stepmother started speaking in a different language.

  “Mommy?” Star asked in a frightened voice. Betty continued speaking in an unknown language, her voice rising to an angry shout.

  “Why are you yelling at me, mommy?” Star asked meekly. She stared at the woman who was lying on the bed—she had the same blonde hair and brown eyes but didn’t sound or act like the woman Star called her stepmom. Betty continued yelling incomprehensible words, growing more agitated, and finally, Star’s father told her to go play outside.

  “Daddy? What’s wrong with mommy?” Star pleaded.

  “Go outside, Star!” her father repeated in an angry voice.

  Star grabbed her kite and ran outside. She ran across the gravel street and into a vacant field. She ran until she was surrounded by tall, dying grass, and then she dropped to the ground crying. She realized that she was totally alone. Her parents would never be there to care for her and protect her. They could not even take care of themselves. Star was alone in a terrifying world, with no one she could turn to and nowhere to go.

  That day, the child that lived in Star’s heart died. She knew she was on her own and vowed that she would look out for herself and not let her parents’ actions determine her life. But despite her resolve, at seven years old, Star had nowhere to go. Her clothes reeked of stale beer and cigarettes. No one talked to her. No one cared.

  After that day, Star’s life descended into a state of turmoil and fear. Betty’s personalities came out often. The only time Star had a playmate was when “Lily” came out to play. She was fun and loved to draw and color. It got to the point that, as her parents drank themselves into oblivion, Star began praying to someone named “Jesus” asking that Lily come out so she would have someone to talk to.

  Another of Betty’s personalities was a woman who couldn’t speak. Star’s father called this personality “No-name.” Some days, No-name was friendly; other times, Star’s mere presence in the room upset her immensely. When things were good between them, No-name and Star would write notes to each other. On bad days, No-name would scribble furiously and point to the door, signaling that she wanted Star to leave at once.

  The one thing her stepmother’s personalities all had in common was that they didn’t want Star around, so she spent a lot of time outdoors. She played alone in the vacant field, drew pictures, chased bugs, and watched clouds drift by, daydreaming and wishing that she were a million miles away.

  Betty’s true personality—the stepmother Star knew and loved—had been ove
rwhelmed by other, more dominant personalities and never surfaced anymore. Star didn’t expect to ever see her “real” stepmom again. Days turned into weeks, and she began to feel her life would always be full of fear and despair.

  Then one day, Star came home from school to a change. There were no beer cans or bottles on the floor. Her parents were stone sober and having a normal conversation. The relief that flooded over her was much like the feeling one gets at having witnessed a miracle.

  “Did something happen? Is grandpa okay?” Star asked, fearing something awful must have occurred to cause such a turnaround.

  “No, Star, everything is fine. We have decided to move,” her father announced.

  Star’s heart dropped to her feet, and she prepared herself for the news that she would be given away again. Instead, her father smiled and declared,

  “I am going to work at Puget Sound College as a math professor!”

  Star sat down on the floor, feeling dizzy. She stared at her parents, trying to make sense of the emotional roller coaster in her life. Every time her parents spoke, it was as if someone had waved a magic wand and dropped Star into a different life with new parents she had never met. She didn’t understand any of it.

  Within a few days, her parents packed up their few belongings, pulled Star out of school, and departed on the drive to Oregon.

  Daddy Is Sick

  Chapter 3

  After driving for nine hours and stopping just once at a gas station, Star’s parents were tired and irritable. As they reached the city limits of Tacoma, Washington, her father announced that they would be stopping at a friend’s house to rest. Robert explained that he hadn’t seen this friend for years, and he wanted to spend a few days visiting before driving south on the final leg of their journey and to his new life as a professor at Puget Sound College in Oregon. The friend’s name was Faith, and the “visit” turned into a living situation. Star ended up enrolling in third grade at a local elementary school.

  Faith was a Native American in her late thirties. Star liked her the moment they met and found her to be a gentle, peaceful woman. She was patient with Star and taught her many things about her Sioux background.

  With her bright blue eyes and platinum blonde hair, Star stood out from the dark-haired, brown-eyed children in her classes. Her first week in school was painful, and she was made to feel like an unwanted outsider. As the days went by, some of her classmates began telling her that they hated her. One girl made it a habit to remind her of that fact every day. When she would raise her hand to answer a question in class, kids would lean over and say,

  “Don’t talk, you’re too stupid!”

  It only took a few weeks for Star to learn to walk with her head down and talk to no one. She tried to be polite and stay out of everyone’s way. Eventually, she made a friend, but she spent so much time being afraid that she begged her parents to pull her out of school. Since the public school system in Tacoma was limited at the time, her stepmother began homeschooling her.

  Even at the young age of seven, Star knew that Betty’s efforts at homeschooling left much to be desired. She did math exercises and learned to type on the computer. She wrote reports on articles she read in National Geographic magazine, and that was the extent of her learning activities. Star didn’t mind; she was just happy that she wasn’t being taunted by other kids. Her parents stayed away from alcohol and even quit smoking. Life was looking brighter.

  Star spent most of her days writing papers, but when she finished her assignments, she wrote short stories. Sometimes, she wrote dark poems. Over time, she came to rely on writing as her escape.

  As always, after the dust had settled with her parents and Star was beginning to feel happy again, something always stirred it up. One morning, she woke up to her world turned upside down. Betty was crying and Faith was on the phone talking in an urgent tone. Faith’s husband was driving all over town looking for something, but Star had no idea what. The one person missing from the scene that morning was Star’s dad. She looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be found.

  “Where is my daddy?” Star asked. Her stepmother looked at her but said nothing. Star repeated the question with more urgency and a growing sense of dread. The third time, she yelled the question, and Betty stood up and left the room without a word. Faith finished her call and put down the phone, taking Star’s hand and leading her to the kitchen table.

  “Have a seat, honey,” Faith said, patting her on the head affectionately.

  Star did as she was told, but once she was sitting down, her emotions erupted and she rocked back and forth with tears streaming down her face, crying,

  “Where’s my daddy? I want my daddy!”

  Faith got on her knees in front of Star. Looking into her eyes with calm reassurance, she answered, “You don’t need to worry, honey. We will find your daddy. We don’t know why, but when we woke up today, your dad had gone missing. He didn’t take anything with him but his wallet and boots. The police are looking for him, and they’ll find him soon. It’s going to be okay.”

  “My daddy is missing? He wouldn’t leave! He wouldn’t just leave me like that!” Star’s voice rose to a frantic yell and she kicked back the chair, pushing away from Faith. She ran outdoors, calling out for her dad. Faith came up behind her and gave her a hug.

  Star broke into tears and dropped to the ground. Faith sat down next to her and held her for what seemed like an eternity. As evening approached and the sun dipped below the horizon, the phone began ringing nonstop. Faith went into the house to deal with the calls and questions while Star remained outside. She sat cross-legged in the grass, picking one tender blade at a time and tossing it. Her mind raced and her heart pounded in her chest as her sorrow turned to panic and a sense of dread. Why would her father just leave? Had she done something wrong to upset him? Had he stopped loving her?

  That night, Star tossed and turned in a fitful sleep. When she awoke the next morning and Faith told her that her father hadn’t been found, she fell into a dark depression that left her quiet and withdrawn. She had no words, and when she did, she broke into tears and couldn’t speak. All of the “normal” things in her life Star took for granted began to crumble.

  She wasn’t hungry, and she couldn’t think. She didn’t want to play. She began to feel numb, and the cloud of depression that engulfed her began to feel permanent.

  For the next two weeks, Star awoke every morning and asked Faith or her stepmom in a hopeful voice,

  “Has my daddy been found yet?” Every day, it was the same response: Robert had not been seen. Star retreated for the rest of the day into her cocoon of isolation, feeling unwanted and abandoned.

  One day, Star realized that she wasn’t the only one suffering. She noticed Faith reading a Bible, crying, and saying prayers out loud to God, asking Him to bring Star’s father home. Star didn’t understand the God in the sky that Faith prayed to, but she hoped He would hear Faith’s prayers. Sometimes, when Betty wasn’t crying or pacing back and forth outside, she sat next to Faith and they prayed together. Star went to sleep some nights with the sound of their prayers drifting into her room. In some way she didn’t understand, the voices were calming, reassuring, and helped Star fall asleep.

  After two weeks, it seemed that Star’s father had simply vanished into thin air. Then one morning, Star woke up to a different emotion and the sounds of bustling and happiness coming from the living room. She jumped out of bed and rushed into the room, expecting to see her dad standing there, smiling and with arms open to give her a hug. He wasn’t there, but Faith and Betty were crying happy tears, and they were smiling.

  “Where is my daddy? Is he back?” Star asked, afraid to get excited or feel hopeful, but hoping against hope for some good news.

  “Honey, your daddy has been found,” Faith said. “A policeman found him in a nearby town. It will be a few days before he is back. First, he needs medical attention.”

  “What does that mean?” Star asked, her eye
s growing wide with fear as she imagined a dozen terrible calamities that might have befallen her father.

  “Don’t worry, Star, your dad isn’t hurt,” Betty said. Despite the anxiety and exhaustion on her face, she managed a weak, almost cryptic smile and added, “When the police found him, he was talking to a pole.”

  “Talking to a pole? Mom, what does that mean?”

  “It means he needs to see a doctor before he can come home.”

  It was several days before Star’s father was moved back to Tacoma. When Faith and her stepmother went to visit him, Star wasn’t allowed to go. She would have to wait two months to see her father, and it would be in a dimly lit room with beige curtains and not enough sunlight.

  The day had started like any other, but when Star sat down to a bowl of cereal, Betty asked if she would like to visit her dad. Star could hardly contain her excitement. She dressed as nice as she could, and Faith brushed her hair, tying it in braids. They drove to a building that resembled a hospital, but inside, Star didn’t see doctors wearing white coats with stethoscopes around their necks. There were no nurses or patients on gurneys—only a check-in desk and a waiting room, where they spent more than an hour sitting around.

  As Star was dozing off from boredom, Betty explained,

  “Your dad is not well. We’ve always known he had issues, but we didn’t know it was this serious. Your dad has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. His mind isn’t well. Sometimes he imagines that he’s talking to people who aren’t there—or he imagines that events have happened when nothing has happened. He needs to stay here in the hospital until he gets better. Once he gets out, he won’t be well. He will need to take medicine for the rest of his life, and it will be our job to take care of him. Do you understand, Star?”