by Natalie Ward
It was all such a huge misunderstanding and you know what… I still miss you, baby. So fucking much.
I’m doing everything I can to try and find you, even though I have no idea how to even begin. I’ve been back to all the places you once were, but nothing…
I will though, because I really need to explain this to you. Even if you just listen and then walk away, as much as that will break my heart, I just want to you to understand that I didn’t do this. That I never did anything with her, but more than that, that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know I’m not that kind of guy.
I love you, Eva. Please remember that. Please hear these words, wherever you are. Hear them and find your way back to me.
I miss you like crazy.
Ben x
28 February 1998
Dear Evie,
God, it’s been two years now.
And I’m in agony here, Evie, seriously. And I know you’re hurting too, I get it, I really get it, ok? But baby, this is fucking killing me. I don’t know if you don’t remember me, you don’t want to see me or…god I can’t believe I’m even saying this, something has happened to you and for some reason, you can’t find me.
I can’t imagine going through life not knowing if something has happened to you. I can’t imagine not ever seeing you again. Paul keeps telling me to get over it, to let you go and to move on, but I just can’t do that. I can’t let you go because I’m not ready to give you up. He doesn’t get it anyway, and as much as I’d love to explain it all to him, tell him the real story, I know I can’t.
Aside from the fact he’d never in a million years believe me, I know it’s not my secret to tell. It’s yours and I guess it’s ours and I don’t want to share it with anyone until I know you’re ok with that too.
I miss you so much, Evie. So much it hurts. And it’s a hurt that isn’t ever going to go away. In fact, it’s only getting worse… Whoever said that time heals all wounds was full of shit. I’d like to punch that fucker in the face, because I can tell you now, time does not heal the wounds. It makes them worse…so much worse. I have no idea how to make any of this hurt go away, and to be honest, right now I don’t think I want to live without it.
Because my hurt, all the things I’m feeling right now, are my only proof that you really exist. This hurt is my proof that I really love you. I know that if I didn’t feel like this right now, then what we have together, how I feel about you, wouldn’t be real. People say that love is all about happiness and joy and blah, blah, blah. But you know what, if you take that all of that away, of course the only thing you can be left with is pain. If I don’t have the one thing that makes me happy, then I can’t possibly feel anything but pain.
And that’s all I’m feeling right now. Pain.
I really need you, Evie. I really need you to come back to me.
Ben x
P.S. I don’t know if you’ll ever read these. I really hope you do. You’re probably wondering why it’s been a year since I last wrote to you. I don’t have an answer for that…I started so many times, but they all ended up in the bin. Stupid, rambling words that never made any sense. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of this past year drunk, Evie, and anything I wrote down either didn’t make sense or only belonged in the bin. But just because I haven’t written, it doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten. I NEVER forget you Eva, never. And more than anything, I really just need you to remember me, baby. Please…
1:39 am - 1 March 2012
“God, this makes my heart hurt,” Evie says, dropping the latest letter. “You just sound so incredibly sad, Ben,” she says.
I smile at her. “I was, baby. Really sad.”
“All these letters,” she says, gesturing to the ones she’s just read. “All the questions from your parents, from Paul, from everyone. I don’t know how you did it, I don’t…”
She trails off as though she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t really know how I did it either and I think the only thing that stopped everyone interrogating me all the time, were my shitty moods. Most people couldn’t bear to be around me, so they avoided me. It suited me because not only did everyone leave me alone to wallow in my own self-pity, it also meant I avoided all of their annoying questions.
“I basically ignored everyone,” I say as I grab something from the second box. “And I also listened to a lot of shitty music too,” I say, holding up an old cassette tape.
“What’s this?” she asks, taking it from my hands.
“A mixed tape,” I tell her, grateful we don’t have a cassette player in the house anymore. “Something I made so I could drown my sorrows to music.”
“Oh, Ben,” she says, her reaching up to stroke my cheek, a look of sympathy on her face that only makes me feel even more pathetic.
“I know,” I say, realising just how pathetic I was back then. “And we are never, ever listening to that tape,” I say. “I think I made four or five copies of the fucking thing, I listened to it so much.”
“What’s on it?” Evie says, turning it over in her hands.
I groan, pulling her closer as I kiss her shoulder and pull the tape from her hand, throwing it back in the box. “God awful eighties power ballads. Shit I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to now, that’s for sure.”
Evie laughs a little. “I’m sorry,” she says, trying to stop herself. “I don’t mean to laugh at you, but really?”
Even I laugh, knowing it is bad. “Yeah, I know, baby. I was pathetic…a sulking, moaning, grumpy prick who didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wasn’t great to be around back then, that’s for sure. Ask Paul, he’ll tell you, poor bastard had to live me. In fact, it’s amazing we’re actually still friends.”
Evie nods as though she already knows what Paul would say if she asked him. “If it makes you feel any better,” she says. “I wasn’t exactly a barrel of laughs either. I mean I hardly ever went out, and I wasn’t really a nice person to be around most of the time.”
“Can’t have been that bad,” I say, the words slipping out before I can stop them. Evie turns so she’s facing me, her hand reaching out to brush the hair from my face. “I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “You didn’t deserve that.”
Evie shakes her head. “It’s okay,” she says, her eyes on mine. “And I probably did. I never really understood what he saw in me,” she continues. “God knows how he put up with me. I mean I wasn’t a good girlfriend, Ben. I never really even wanted to be with him. It was almost like I was just going through the motions, you know? And I certainly couldn’t ever bring myself to sleep with him, no matter how much he wanted it. I just knew it always felt…wrong.”
I have to force myself to swallow my words, my pleas for Evie not say anything more as I listen to her tell me all of this. I know the story. I know all about the guy she dated when we were apart. I believe her when she says nothing happened between them, nothing serious anyway. But it still doesn’t make it any easier for me to listen to. I fucking hate the idea of any guy who isn’t me, touching her. And even though I’d never tell her this, I am so fucking grateful that this prick never got to sleep with her.
As bad as it sounds, I just can’t stomach the thought of another guy having had her in that way. It’s hard enough picturing him with his hands and mouth on her, but sleeping with her. Fuck, I think if that had happened, I’d have to hunt the arsehole down and kill him.
“Ben,” Evie whispers, hesitation in her voice.
I force a smile onto my face as I look back at her, my hands in fists. I force them to open, unlocking my fingers as I lift my hand and brush her cheeks. “I know, baby, I know. It’s okay, really. And it’s not like I didn’t date anyone either,” I add, adding air quotes when I say the word date.
Although I wouldn’t exactly call the first time a date. More like a forced and extremely awkward set up. I know Paul figured he was just helping me out; that he was just trying to help me get over Evie and move on. But the thing is, no one ever knew the real truth about us. No one eve
r realised that maybe the reason Evie and I weren’t together was because she just didn’t remember I existed yet.
And a part of me, a very desperate part of me, was still hanging on to that. I just couldn’t let go of the fact that any day now, Evie could suddenly walk back into my life. And I knew that when that day came, I had to be ready for her. I knew that if I were to ever be given the opportunity to prove to her again just how much I loved her, it wasn’t going to be when I was dating some other girl.
“I know,” she whispers. “I understand.”
“You want to keep going?” I ask her, knowing she’s going to discover all about my so-called dates now.
Evie nods, so without another word, I reach over and grab the next couple of letters.
2 September 1998
Dear Evie,
There’s something I have to tell you… I went out on a date tonight. I know, I know, I told you I would wait and I will. I am. I promise you, I am.
But I also want to tell you about it because I don’t want to keep anything from you. I don’t want there to be any secrets or misunderstandings between us, baby. That’s what started all of this in the first place, me not being able to explain things to you. I have no idea if you’ll ever get to know about this anyway, but I have to try.
It was Paul’s idea actually and it wasn’t exactly a date, more like an ambush. I thought I was going for drinks with him and some of the guys from his work. Turns out it was just me, Paul’s girlfriend, Julia, and Julia’s friend, Tiffany.
I nearly bailed as soon as I got there and discovered this. If Julia hadn’t seen me and called out, I would’ve just turned and walked straight out the door. I didn’t want to be there and I most certainly did not want to date this girl. I’m sure she’s nice and all, but she’s not you. She’s not you, Evie, and if she’s not you, then I’m not fucking interested.
But Julia saw me and by then it was too late, so I had to stay. And you know what, it was fucking awful. I hated every second of it and in the end I left early. I’m so pissed off at Paul right now, but more than that, I’m pissed off at myself. Not just for staying out with them, but for putting myself in this situation in the first place. For somehow giving Paul the impression that it was ok for him to do this.
Fucking hell, Evie, it’s been so long. Where are you, baby? Do you even remember me?
I wish I knew where to find you, if only so I could know you are ok. I wish I knew what it was like for you not to remember me. I mean, do you remember anything at all? I actually hope you don’t, because that way you won’t remember what happened between us either. But at the same time, if you don’t remember, then you won’t remember I exist either, and I’m too scared to think about what could happen then.
This is really starting to scare me, Evie.
Please, please, just find your way back to me. Just let me explain things.
I love you,
Ben x
12 October 1998
Dear Evie,
Tiffany came to see me at work today. I have no idea how she knows where I work or why she thought she could just drop by. Actually, I do know…Paul. I just got off the phone with him, ripped him a new one about trying to set me up with someone when I’m still in love with you.
He got stuck into me though, about continuing to wait around for you when it was blatantly obvious you weren’t ever coming back. We kinda sound like a bunch of girls, don’t we? Sorry, no offence.
But ever since I hung up the phone, his words have been running around and around inside my head. Like an annoying recording that’s stuck on repeat, reminding me over and over and over again.
You’re never coming back. You’re never coming back. You’re never coming back.
Are you?
I mean are you ever going to come back to me, Evie? Is this seriously it for us? Is this all I get after everything we’ve shared, everything we’ve done? You just shut me out without even giving me a chance to explain. What is it you think happened that night? I mean do you seriously think I’m that kind of guy? The kind of guy who can be so in love with you MY ENTIRE LIFE and then throw it all away for some random slut who I don’t even like, much less care about?
Come on, Evie, really?
I don’t know what to think anymore…All I know is I’m hurting and I’m pissed and I’m lonely and I miss you like fucking crazy.
But I don’t know if you even miss me at all. I have no idea what’s going on with you.
I don’t know what to think anymore…
Ben.
1:59 am - 1 March 2012
“You’re really angry,” she whispers, staring at the letter in her hands. Her fingers trace over my name at the bottom. “No love Ben this time.”
Her words are filled with sadness and regret and I close my eyes and bury my face in her hair as she leans against my shoulder. I was angry, but more than anything, I was hurt. It felt like she’d let me go, wherever she was, she’d let me go. I had no idea if she remembered me, had no idea where she was, who she was with, or worse still, what she was doing. But for some reason, whether it was Paul’s words or this new girl he’d forced upon me, I just felt like I’d lost her.
I lift my head and press a kiss to Evie’s shoulder. “I was,” I whisper. “Angry and hurt.”
Evie turns to face me, presses a kiss to my lips. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her eyes open and watching me. “I’m so sorry.”
I nod at her, knowing she knows exactly how I felt. She watches me for a little longer before giving me a sad smile and picking up the next letter.
We need to move on, even though I know what’s coming.
1 January 1999
Dear Evie,
I kissed a woman tonight and yes, I’m so fucking mad at myself right now. I know I have no excuses either. I wish I could say it was because it was New Year’s Eve or that I was drunk. And these things are both true, but it’s also more than that.
I’m so lonely without you, Evie.
And it meant nothing, this kiss. I didn’t feel anything when it happened. I couldn’t tell you how long it lasted or what it was like or anything. I was trying to imagine it was you, but it didn’t even come close. It didn’t take away my loneliness either, and it didn’t stop me from missing you any more than I already do.
It made it worse.
And even though Paul finally thought I was ready to move on, accept that you and I were over, I wasn’t…I’m still not.
So I left and I came home and I sat down and I wrote this all down for you.
I’m going to bed now, alone. I’m drunk and pissed off and going to bed. Hopefully to dream about a day when you’ll come back to me.
God, I miss you so much, baby. More than you can possibly understand.
But I can’t live like this either, just missing you forever, Evie. It’s not enough for me and it’s killing me not knowing what’s going on with you.
Please just call me. Please…
Ben.
28 February 1999
Dear Evie,
Three years now.
Three whole fucking years.
This is the longest it’s ever been, you know.
I don’t even know why I’m writing these anymore. I don’t even know why I ever thought they’d make a difference. Nothing I do makes a difference. Nothing.
Because nothing fucking changes. You are still gone and I am still here and we are still apart. I’ve lost you, haven’t I?
Shit…
I have a date tonight, Evie. I don’t know why, but I do. Maybe this is what will bring you back to me? Maybe.
I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything…
Happy birthday, Eva…
Ben.
13 June 1999
Dear Evie,
Paul told me something today. He told me he was going to ask Julia to marry him. I was happy for him, but a part of me wanted to punch him too. I think he knew this was going to be hard for me because he took me out for a beer to do
it. Not sure if he thought he would be safer in public or if it was just better to have alcohol around or what.
After I told him I was happy for him, he smiled at me and said thanks. He loves this girl. You’d love her too, Evie, she’s really nice. Very funny and knows how to handle Paul. She’s good for him and he’s really happy with her and it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him this settled, this content.
It’s hard to watch them together though, and I think Paul notices that too.
I tried to apologise to him for being such a dick all this time, for never wanting to do anything, for not being able to have fun anymore. For not being able to let go of you like he’s asked me to do so many times.
I was trying to tell him that I…well, I was trying to apologise anyway when he stopped me. Then he just looked at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok, I get it now. I really do.” And I think what he meant was, he loves this girl Julia and he understands how I’m feeling, how I feel about you.
I think he finally gets why it’s so hard for me to let you go.
And I get it too, Evie. I get it and I don’t get it, all at the same time. But most of all, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about any of this anymore.
I don’t know if you’re wondering, or if you even care…but about that date I went on. We had a couple more, but in the end, it didn’t work out. She and I…well I think she knew that there was someone else, something else that I was still holding onto. “You’re never really here with me, Ben,” are the words I believe she used.
She was right, you know. Because at the end of the day, no matter what she did, I just knew she wasn’t you. And it didn’t matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t let that go. I still can’t let you go.
