by Natalie Ward
She ended it, although I think I was already halfway there. And if you’re curious, no, we never slept together. I haven’t, Evie…I just…I can’t…I crave you and I can’t let that go. But all this time, all these months and years we’ve spent apart, it makes me wonder about you. About what you’ve been up to all this time…
Ben.
2:14 am - 1 March 2012
Evie shuffles under the covers, pushing her body against mine as though she needs the contact, even though we’re already touching. My arm is still wrapped around her shoulder, not wanting to let her go as she reads about this time in our lives.
“I seriously can’t believe we both went so long without it,” she says, her voice quiet. “I mean not just without each other, but without…you know,” she says. “I can’t believe you waited like you did, even after everything that happened.”
I shift further down the bed so we are half lying down as I kiss her neck. “I know, and I’m not gonna lie, Evie, it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t easy,” I say. “And it’s definitely something I don’t ever want to have to do again.”
“How’d you get through it?” she asks. “I mean, I know what you told me, but you know…how did you survive that long?”
I can’t stop the smile as I remember exactly how I survived. I might have got her underwear back when I was a horny teenager, but I got something even better when I was a grown man. It wasn’t as good as having her around, but it certainly helped. And for all of my anger and frustration, my permanently shitty mood at having lost her, I knew that one look at these and I was done for. I wasn’t ever letting her go.
“Maybe I should just show you,” I say smiling.
She watches me rifle through the box and her eyes light up. “What have you got for me this time?” she asks.
I grin as I find what I’m looking for and bring them out to show her. “These,” I say, a bunch of photos now in my hand.
“What are they?” Evie asks, her eyes widening as she takes them from me and stares at them.
“Photos, baby,” I say quietly. “Photos of us.”
And they are. There are heaps of them, starting from when we were sixteen and going until she turned twenty and disappeared again. We’ve got more, obviously, but they are from our later years, when we were together and had a home again. They are all over our house and she’s never had to worry about losing those ones.
“Ben, shit,” she whispers, leafing through them as she takes it all in. “I thought I’d lost these.”
“I know,” I say, knowing she ran out that night with nothing but the clothes on her back. Not that it would have mattered, because she can never take anything like this with her. It’s only permanent things, things that are a part of Evie, that ever go with her. Things like Lucia and now her new wedding ring. “But I held onto them,” I continue. “They were all I had left of you after you’d gone. All I had to hang on to while we spent the next four years apart.”
Evie lifts her head, her eyes meeting mine. There are no tears now though, both of us finally understanding this is just a part of our life that happened. It might be something we wish we could change, or at the very least forget, but it no longer defines us. It’s no longer going to destroy us.
“And these are what got me through it,” I whisper.
“God, I’m so glad you kept them,” she says, smiling at me. “I’m so glad you still have them. There are a lot of great memories here.”
“I know,” I say, knowing exactly what memories are in this collection of photos. I pull her back against me so I can look at them with her. “There really are.”
Evie flicks through them all, the endless pictures of me and her together, of me playing football, her sitting laughing with Sarah. Pictures of the two of us with Paul and his then girlfriend, Lily. Pictures with Rachel, and even my mum and dad, all of my family as we celebrated birthdays and Christmases together, year after year.
These were some of the best years of my life. Or so I thought back then anyway. There were plenty more to come, I know that now. But I remember thinking at the time, as I got to be with Evie every single day, that I didn’t think life could ever get any better than this.
“Oh my god,” Evie breathes out as she finds what else I still have pictures of. My heart starts to pound in my chest now, knowing what’s coming, knowing she’ll finally understand how I did survive those four long years apart.
The first picture, the one she’s looking at right now, is a photo of her. She’s lying naked in my bed, on her stomach, only her face and the curve of her back in the frame. I took it just after we’d had sex and you can definitely tell. Her face is flushed, her lips swollen and her hair’s a mess. And she’s looking at me with such a sexy look; it makes my heart skip a beat even now.
“Ben…” she whispers. I feel her heart speed up, pounding against my arm as it rests around her shoulders and chest.
“Yeah?” I ask. Evie doesn’t say anything else, just stares at the photo as though she’s in another world, lost in the memory of what happened that day. “Do you remember what came next?” I murmur, kissing her neck, silently urging her to continue.
Evie nods, her eyes still on the image.
“Tell me,” I say, kissing her ear. Her fingers are frozen, her eyes locked on to this photo of her lying in our bed. “Tell me what came next, Evie.”
“We…um, we took more pictures,” she whispers, her voice husky. “We had…and we…we took more pictures.”
“We did,” I whisper, lifting my hand to her cheek so I can tilt her face to mine. “I always loved that about you,” I tell her, my eyes staring into hers. “I loved how unafraid you were, how willing you were to try all these things out.”
Evie smiles up at me. “I was never afraid of anything with you, Ben,” she whispers. “I trust you, I’ve always trusted you.”
“I know,” I whisper, kissing her nose. “And I love that about you too.”
“Do you still have those pictures too?” she asks, swallowing hard.
I grin. “Keep looking.”
She turns back to what’s in her hands, her fingers trembling slightly as she flicks to the next photo in the stack. Her hands start shaking now, just the tiniest amount and as her eyes lock onto the next photo, I hear her breath catch in her throat. “Oh god, Ben,” she says, her hands suddenly moving faster now, shuffling through the pile of pictures, desperate to look at all of them.
We sit in silence as she does, both of us taking them in. We were so young back then, but as in love as we are right now. It’s so obvious, even in these photos. Nothing has changed and both of us can see it.
“Still like them?” I ask, remembering how excited she’d been when we’d finally got the photos developed. No digital back in those days and developing them had been scary as fuck. Evie had made me drive to another town, just in case anyone we knew accidentally saw them.
“I love them,” she says, looking through them again. “Really love them.”
“Me too,” I say, pressing my lips against her skin. “And now you know how I got through those four years without you, baby.”
Evie’s head falls back against my shoulder as she finally tears her eyes away from the photos. “I can definitely see how these helped,” she says, her eyes dark and a look, just like the one from the photo, on her face now. “Definitely…”
I keep my eyes on her as I pull the photos from her hands, dropping them on to the bed beside us. Then I wrap my arms around her as I slide down, pulling her with me. Rolling on top of her, I cup her face in my hands, brushing her hair back so I can look into her eyes.
Evie smiles up at me, leans up to kiss my lips before turning to look at the photos. I watch as she reaches out with her hand and spreads them out beside us. All of the photos we’ve just looked at, all of the reasons why I wasn’t ever interested in being with any other woman in all those years we spent apart.
I turn to look at them with her, feel Evie’s body as it arches up into mine, as her leg wraps aro
und my hips and pulls me closer, silently urging me to do more. “I wish I could have had some of these with me,” she whispers, leaning up to kiss my neck.
I turn back to her as I lift my hips so I can slide inside her. “I wish I could have had you,” I breathe out before lowering my mouth to hers.
Evie lets out a low moan as our bodies connect in all the best ways. I feel her fingers as they trail a slow and torturous path from my neck, over my shoulders and all the way down my back to my arse. When she reaches it, she grips me tight, urging me deeper as her body lifts up to meet mine.
This time I don’t have to force myself to go slowly, I want to. Long, slow strokes as I move inside her, my mouth never leaving hers as our kiss deepens. One of my arms cradles Evie’s head, my other now sliding down the side of her body, my fingers trailing over her ribs to her hip where I hitch her leg higher.
“Ben…” she breathes out, her voice so husky I barely catch what she says.
I open my eyes and watch her beneath me, finally breaking our kiss so I can pull back a little and watch all of the ways her body reacts to my touch. She looks amazing, so fucking beautiful, but it’s still not enough.
Shifting, I pull out of her, watching as she opens her eyes as if to ask what I’m doing. I smile down at her, lean in and press another kiss to her lips before slowly making my way across her jaw and down her neck. I kiss all the way across her collarbone to her shoulder where I gently bite her skin, before kissing my way down her chest. Shifting even more, I continue down her body, over her hips and her thighs before settling myself between her legs.
“Ben…” she repeats, only this time her voice is even lower. I can hear the want in it, as well as the knowledge of what I’m about to do to her. And I fucking love it.
The second my mouth touches her she lets out a loud moan, the sound filling the silence of our room. I force myself to go slow though, teasing her with my tongue. I can tell she’s getting frustrated…and close, her legs shaking and her fingers gripping my hair. She’s pushing me closer, desperately wanting more, but just as I feel her about to fall apart, she pulls my head away, almost like she wants to prolong the agony, savour the moment a little longer.
And I let her do all of it.
Eventually, and almost like she doesn’t even expect it, it catches up with her. This time she doesn’t pull me away, the shaking in her legs increasing as she arches up off the bed, her head pushing back into the pillow as she moans, “Oh god, Ben…Ben…”
And then I feel it, I feel her come apart around me. I don’t stop, my tongue still teasing her and drawing it out for as long as possible. By the time I’m done, her body is a tangle of loose, sweaty limbs on the bed. I can’t help but smile as I lift my head and take in the sight of her. Then I slowly kiss my way back up her body until I reach her mouth and slide back inside her. She lets out another soft moan as she wraps her arms around me, pulling me closer.
“Thank you,” she breathes out, leaning up to kiss my lips. “Thank you…”
I grin against her mouth as I start to move again, slowly pushing my hips against hers. Her skin feels like it’s on fire, hot to my touch, and I slide my arms under her back, pulling her closer, wanting to be surrounded by her.
“You feel amazing, baby,” I whisper, my mouth at her ear. “So fucking good.”
Her fingers tighten on my back, nails digging into my skin. It turns me on, knowing she’s marking me like that, knowing she can’t get enough of this either. “Faster,” she whispers. “Harder.”
“No,” I say, kissing my way back to her mouth and silencing any more words. She groans in protest, but I just smile against her, keeping my movements slow and deliberate, my body rocking against hers in a way that’s both torturous and amazing.
I don’t ever want it to end. I feel like I could do this all night, despite how many times we’ve done it already or how late it now is. But even with all the control, I can still feel my body giving in, the tension building inside me as I move against her.
Evie’s legs wrap around my hips now, pulling me closer as we move slowly together, surrounded by all of the memories and images of having done this so many times before. Just the thought of all those photos, just knowing I could open my eyes and see all of those memories in vivid detail, almost undoes me. But I can’t stop myself from looking either and when my eyes open, I find Evie watching me, both of us turning to look at the pictures beside us.
And that’s when I lose it.
That’s when my body gives in, pushing into her one last time before all of the tension and longing and desire, explode inside her, both of us groaning at the release.
I collapse onto her, knowing I’m a heavy, sweaty weight that must be smothering her right now. I try to lift myself off, brace some of my weight on my arms so I don’t squash her, but Evie only pulls me closer.
“Stay,” she whispers, her mouth at my ear, her heels digging into my arse as she keeps her legs and arms locked around me.
I don’t know how long we lie like this for, but eventually I roll off her, collapsing beside her, exhausted, but completely satisfied. I feel Evie shifting beside me and then I hear the click of a camera. When I open my eyes, I see she’s holding her phone at me and I watch as she snaps another picture.
“Now I have one too,” she says, smiling as she drops the phone and leans in to kiss me.
I grin against her mouth. “You can have one anytime you like, babe,” I murmur. I feel like I can barely move, as though my whole body has turned to jelly.
I hear Evie gathering up the photos, shuffling them into a neat pile again before she puts them on the side table with her phone and props herself up on my chest, sliding her fingers under my neck “See,” she says. “Not so old after all.”
I laugh, tucking the hair behind her ears. “Nah, when it comes to you, baby, I’m like the energiser bunny. I just keep going and going and going.”
“Cheeky boy,” she says, smiling as she rolls her eyes at me. “And speaking of,” she adds, glancing at the clock. “Can we keep going too?”
The smile disappears from my face now, knowing everything we still have to get through. This was a great distraction from the pain of her twentieth birthday, of the years that followed, but there is still plenty more to come.
“We can,” I say, nodding as I reach for the box, find the next letter and hand it to her. Evie opens it, rests the paper on my chest and starts to read.
14 February 2000
Dear Evie,
It’s been ages since I’ve written to you, I know. I feel bad about that, but I just haven’t been able to. I think it’s mostly because I don’t know what to say anymore. I sit here sometimes, staring at a blank piece of paper and I can’t find the words to write anymore. None of it is going to reach you and more than anything, I just want to say it all to your face. I want you to stand in front of me when I talk to you instead of me imagining that by writing any of this down that it’s somehow going to make a difference. That it’s somehow going to get to you.
It won’t.
So I just stopped writing for a while.
Right now though, I’m sitting out on Mum and Dad’s back deck. I’m freezing my arse off as I sit here, looking up at the stars and thinking of you and everything that’s happened. I thought we’d have found each other by now, but it’s been so long. The longest it’s ever been.
The thing is though; I know you remember me now because I’ve spoken to Sarah. I gave her my number after you left 4 years ago, remember? I wanted to give you as many ways as possible to find me. I thought because I hadn’t heard from you that you just hadn’t remembered me yet, but I know that’s not true anymore.
She and I spoke at Christmas you know. So I know she’s seen you. I know you remember me because you can’t remember Sarah without remembering me. It’s always been me who brings back all of your memories, hasn’t it?
And you’ve remembered me for a while now, not just since Christmas, and that’s been hard, E
vie. Hard to understand and hard to deal with. Sarah told me. She won’t tell me where you are though, claims she doesn’t know, although I don’t believe that. I’m jealous as hell that she got to see you. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to think about the fact that you went to her instead of me. When I asked her this, she just told me to give you time. She said she’d seen you and that you were ok and that you missed me…and I just needed to give you time.
But the thing is, Evie, if you miss me, why haven’t you come and found me? You have my number now, I know Sarah gave it to you and you know where Mum and Dad live, so why haven’t you found me? And you know what, I really don’t know how much time I’m supposed to give you. It’s already been so long and time is about to run out again. Time is something I can’t give you, Evie. You know that.
Shit, I don’t know what to think. Right now, the only thing I can think of is you don’t want to find me. You meant what you said 4 years ago and you really don’t ever want to see me again, do you? I don’t even know what to say to that. What else can I say, but I’m sorry…again.
But why won’t you just give me a chance to say it, Evie? Why are you punishing me like this? We always used to talk to each other; we used to be able to say anything and everything to each other, remember? You trusted me with your secret and now, now you’re using it to shut me out. I get that you’re hurt, ok, I really do. But you know what, I’m hurting too. I’m hurting a lot, but the difference is there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it because you’re the one who can change things here. You’re the only one who can bring us back together again, Evie.
I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to let go or how I’m supposed to move on. I’ve tried, but I don’t want to do either even though you’ve made it pretty clear that’s exactly what you’ve done.
It’s less than a month till you disappear again, less than a month till you forget me all over again. I’m giving myself this long to wait, and after that, I don’t know, I guess I just have to try and accept things and let you go. Even though it’s the last thing I want to do.
