Pantheocide

by Stuart Slade

  “Thank you, Citizens.” Paschal looked at them curiously. “Please forgive the intrusion but, you are Americans?”

  “We were Colonel, but that was in our First Lives. We’re Romans now.”

  Temple of Ceaseless Compliance, Eternal City, Heaven

  “So just who dared to try and pull this off?” Michael-Lan winced slightly, the wound in his shoulder was healed, the one in his chest very nearly so but he still got a twinge if he moved too fast.

  “Humans?” Lemuel put the question tentatively. It was the only answer he dared think of.

  Michael-Lan almost snorted with laughter. “If this was human work, you’d be dead. The favorite expressions of humans where killing is concerned are ‘if some is good, more is better’, ‘nothing succeeds like excess’ and ‘more dakka’. If humans wanted to kill you, you wouldn’t just be dead, your body parts would be strewn over half the Eternal City. This wasn’t human work, this was somebody else.”

  Lemuel-Lan thought about it carefully. His body ached from the wounds suffered when rubble had fallen on him and he’d taken some Tylenol to ward off the pain. “It must be the First Conspiracy.” His voice had dropped so the words would not carry.

  “Not The Second Conspiracy?” Michael-Lan dropped his voice to match.

  “No, Most High One. I have infiltrated that group. There is heresy there, certainly, but it is well-intentioned. An excess of zeal has led the congregation of this Temple to use human products in order to serve Our Eternal Father more diligently. They have been led astray by good intentions and need only a little re-education to bring them back to the right path.”

  Michael-Lan nodded, making a note to reward the team who had worked here for a job well done. “Nevertheless, maintain your infiltration of the group and find out its extent. They may be well-intentioned but when we pick them up, we must arrest them all at once. No loose ends. Make sure you identify them all.” And that should act as your orders to take you into the club. “You think it is the First Conspiracy then?”

  “It must be, Noble Lord. I can think of none other. I would guess they have learned of our investigation into their organization and decided to strike. Perhaps a cell feared they were about to be discovered and wished to prevent that.”

  “It could be.” Michael-Lan was thoughtful. This whole situation didn’t make sense from most points of view. Rivalry between cliques of Angels were well-known but they never, never got to the point of assassination. At worst, blackening reputations in Yah-Yah’s eyes and causing loss of influence. That didn’t worry Michael, as the Great General, he was above such things and anyway, he was a past-master at such games. Had one of the other Chayot-Ha-Kodesh decided to break the rules of millennia and start playing for keeps? Michael-Lan ran through the names in his mind. Of the Chayot of the First Rank, only Azrael, Zadkiel and Chamuel were likely candidates. Were the Chayot of the Second Rank trying a powerplay? Sariel, Raguel, and Remiel could be ruled out, Sariel was already a member of the Montmartre club, Raguel was one of Yahweh’s most devoted followers and Remiel was a mindless nonentity. Jophiel and Haniel? They were possibilities certainly but Michael didn’t think they would have the initiative to try something this radical. That left Barchiel and Salaphael. Michael couldn’t help but run the last name over in his mind. He was in mild disfavor and filled with resentment because of it. And he had the originality to think up an assassination plot. It was, after all, originality that had got him into trouble in the first place. It was not a valuable trait to have when Yahweh was around.

  The simple fact that the attack on Lemuel had been tried was what worried Michael-Lan. It suggested that the First Conspiracy was moving closer to its goal of a take-over in Heaven. He knew enough to realize that any such effort would be a catastrophe, that it would result in a war at least as destructive as the Great Celestial War had been. Better the status-quo than fighting in the streets of the Eternal City. That would be casting the whole situation into the hands of the Humans. That thought made Michael-Lan stop cold. Could he be wrong? Was this a human strike at Heaven? He was going to great lengths to keep the humans on the defensive, to make sure their efforts were focussed on Earth while the sheer effort needed to support their war machine slowly exhausted them.

  But suppose they had found a way to infiltrate Heaven? He’d heard how they had started a rebellion in Hell itself and used it to assassinate the highest of the Daemonic hierarchy. They’d even dropped the hammer on Asmodeus, the Hellish equivalent of a Chayot-Ha-Kodesh. Assassinating people was right in their line. That just left the question, why was Lemuel still alive. Anyway, there were no traces of explosives around here. The human preference would have been for a bomb, a big one packed into a vehicle. This attack had used a trumpet blast. That had to be angelic. Unless the humans were using an angel as a front. Humans manipulating an Archangel. That would be one for the books. Once more, Michael found affection for humans rising in him. They made life so interesting.

  Then, another thought stopped Michael-Lan cold. Suppose, just suppose, it wasn’t angels or humans? Suppose another player had re-entered the game? One who hadn’t been part of it for millennia? It was possible that one of the others had seen the destruction of Hell, the death of Satan, seen the Humans fighting against Heaven, fending off the worst that could be thrown at them. The others might have decided that Heaven was so weakened by this war that it was time to strike back, to avenge the defeat that had driven them from Earth millennia ago. They might even see the opportunity of reasserting their domain over the Earth. If they did think that, Michael-Lan felt sorry for them for tackling the Humans head-on meant death.

  Despite his ingrained apprehension at the thought of the Others returning, Michael-Lan was entranced by the idea. It would certainly mean his plan needed revision but that’s what plans were for. He could use this development, use it very effectively.

  “Lemuel-Lan, continue here. I will look after the First Conspiracy. Return to your home.”

  “With respect, Most Noble One, I would prefer to go to my office. There is much to be done there.”

  Aha, you and Onniel are on the outs are you? Took long enough. Time to throw some more temptation your way. A little tender loving care should do. “As you wish, old friend. Your devotion to duty honors me.”

  Michael watched Lemuel limp off and turned to the temple staff inspecting the damage to the outer wall. “Don’t sweat that guys, I’ll get the master mason to deal with it. He owes me a few favors. Charmeine-Lan, how’s Maion doing?”

  “She’s settled into her new life Michael-Lan. Sometimes her resentment at selling herself surfaces but not so often now. And a little assistance goes far.”

  “Good. We’ll throw her at Lemuel soon. Once he’s a little more frustrated and resentful at the way Onniel is treating him, you can take him to the Club. Just warn me when so I’m not there when he is. Charmeine, tell Maion to dance for him and coo over him. Just pay him unconditional attention, that’ll do the trick. Once he’s gone with her, he’ll fall into line easily enough.

  Throne Room, The Ultimate Temple, The Eternal City, Heaven

  “Lord of All, I most humbly beg that your servant Uriel be excused from displaying the customary genuflections at your immaculate presence. His wounds suffered in carrying out your duty are crippling and render him unfit for such actions.” Michael-Lan was sprawled out on the floor of the throne room, his peerless lips pressed to the alabaster tiles. Around him, the strange creatures that kept Yahweh amused during the long hours he spent in this room drifted slowly away into the billowing clouds of incense. It was a conditioned reflex after the number of lightning storms that had occurred in this room since the war with the humans had started.

  “Uriel unable to pay due and proper respect?” The Voice of the Father of All echoed around the throne room, causing a rumble of thunder and a flicker of white lightning. In the background, the master mason made sure there was nobody between him and his bunker.

  “That is the c
ase One Above All Others, he fought valiantly at San Diego and was terribly wounded there. He received further injuries while fleeing from the pursuing humans and would have died.”

  “But for your rescue. My Wuffles did not flee from the humans even when their bombs tore at him.” The roll of thunder had a distinctly sorrowful note as Yahweh remembered his late pet.

  I’ll have to get the rest killed as soon as possible Michael-Lan thought. Yah-Yah thinks better when he’s mad with grief, leaves him only two eggs short of an omelet instead of three. “Indeed so, Immaculate Father Of Us All. But the humans fought with unusual cruelty even for them. Uriel’s condition is sorrowful indeed.”

  “Then let him enter.” Uriel-Lan made a sorrowful picture indeed as he staggered into the throne room. His wings were twisted and bent out of shape, he showed burns all down his body and his legs were malformed. Michael-Lan’s doctors had done their best and Uriel’s massive healing power had done more but he was still a critically wounded Archangel. Michael-Lan was actually quite surprised he had made it to this meeting. Up on the throne, Yahweh seemed shocked at the sight. “The humans have done this to my faithful servant?”

  The thunder cracked and a sheet of lightning rippled across the room, glancing off the walls and lighting the darker recesses of the antechambers. In the glare, Michael distinctly saw the Master mason vanishing into his bunker, his feet waving in the air before being hastily pulled to safety.

  “I beg your forgiveness, Eternal Lord of All.” Uriel’s voice was shaky and seemed to crack, as if he was forcing the words out through a throat half-closed. Which wasn’t too far from the truth, being too close to the blast of exploding missiles had more damaging effects than were obvious. “My attempts to bring my peace to the humans have failed, they discovered how to resist me and defy Your will.”

  To Michael’s great surprise, Yahweh didn’t incinerate Uriel on the spot. Better luck next time passed through his mind. Instead of throwing a tantrum Yahweh was nodding seriously. “How did the humans manage this?”

  “I do not know Greatest of All. They have missiles that never miss, they have weapons that burn and sear their enemies. They have a weapon I have never encountered before, that makes my skin burn and my flesh boil. All of these they have ringed around their cities… . . “

  “I do not care about such things.” The crack of thunder silenced Uriel. “Their weapons are of no concern to me. How is it that they defy My Will?”

  “They have barriers between their minds and the peace I bring them. It takes much effort to force through them and to get at the minds underneath. So much so that it is only possible to bring peace to a few at a time. By the time I have forced my way into their minds, their missiles are tearing at me and their weapons burn my flesh. Then, further attack becomes impossible. Greatest Father Of All, I swear to this with all my heart. For those who fly near a human city, death is certain. Each time I have tried, the humans grow more skilled at fighting me. The time I have to enforce my peace grows shorter.”

  “Then your task is impossible?” Yahweh’s voice was silky-smooth and the menace was unmistakeable.

  “No, Holiest of Holy Ones. One my injuries are healed I will try again. Perhaps this time success will attend me.”

  “Lord Above All.” Michael-Lan cut in with unsurpassed fervor. “Uriel’s courage is indeed an example to us all. We can all draw strength from his devotion to Your Immaculate Presence.” Just in case you were thinking of letting him off.

  “Indeed so. Uriel your courage is indeed notable. Consult with my treasured servant Michael to decide on your next target.”

  “Lord Above All, might this humble servant suggest a possible strategy? If we send Uriel in to make his attack at the same time as the Scarlet Beast and the Whore of Babylon attack Jerusalem, perhaps we can split the human defense and score a crushing victory.”

  “A cunning plan Greatest of my Generals. Make it so. Is there anything else?”

  “Most Immaculate Lord, the matter of treason we discussed earlier. There is reason to believe that it does not stem from inside Heaven but from outside. Today, an attempt was made to assassinate one of Your most faithful servants, an investigator of the League of the Holy Court. We must believe that there are those in this city who have linked their name to The Others.”

  Across the Eternal City, the thunderclouds roiled and spread, drenching the streets with the lurid glare of multi-colored lightning. Even the highest of the Host took cover inside buildings as hailstones the size of ostrich eggs pelted the streets, shattering on impact and crushing the more fragile of structures. The storm roared on, circling and recircling the Ultimate Temple. Eventually, it ebbed and terrified heads emerged from their hiding places to wonder at the destruction that they saw. Inside the throne room, Michael looked around the rubble where one of the curtain walls had collapsed, burying some of the exotic beasts that had taken cover behind them. In one corner, a hand emerged from the Master Mason’s bunker and started to clear the rubble away from the entrance. I must get myself one of those. Michael-Lan thought. This is getting hairy.

  “Arrest them!” Yahweh’s voice was a scream that was eerily reminiscent of his deceased brother. “Arrest them all.”

  “Thy will be done.” Michael-Lan genuflected and made his way out of the semi-destroyed throne room, picking his way between the piles of smoking rubble as he went.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  The Montmartre Club, Eternal City, Heaven

  “I suppose I have to thank you again Michael-Lan.” The Master Mason was stretched out on a couch with one of the female angels gently caressing him with her wings. “The idea of selling tickets to my bunker was a real money-spinner. I’m going to have to build another one just to hold all the applicants.”

  “Don’t get greedy, Zacharael-Lan. There’s a reason why greed is a deadly sin, the original list of deadly sins actually made a lot of sense. It took Yah-yah to bring the whole idea of deadly sins into disrepute. Greed’s a good example, more enterprises have been brought down by over-reaching greed than anything else. Look at it this way, the more bunker spaces you build, the less you’ll get for each of them. Keep them rare, keep them hard to get. That way you establish a loyal clientele.”

  “Just like you do with membership here?” Zacharael-Lan held out his glass and his angelic companion filled it for him.

  “Just like I do here.” Michael-Lan confirmed. “Except here, it’s a matter of practical necessity. All the goodies that make life in Heaven tolerable come from Earth. I’m working on changing that but for the meantime, its true. Going to Earth to restock with this war on is getting harder all the time and it’s never safe to mess around with humans. So we have to use the stocks we have carefully.”

  “How about those things I built for you. Greenhouses you called them although they don’t look green.”

  Michael-Lan laughed. “They do now. You should see them. Full to bursting point with various strains of Cannabis Sativa and Indica plants. Poor old Jesus is working hard sampling them all, trying to decide which ones give us the best high. Trouble is by the end of a test session, he’s so potted he forgets the results and has to start again.”

  Zacharael-Lan joined in Michael’s merriment. “That I should have such work to do. Instead of patching the holes in the walls after The Irascible One’s tantrums. The last one was a doozie, he managed to bring down two curtain walls and a load-bearing column. The palace roof is sagging at that point and the whole thing could fall in. You say your greenhouses are full?”

  “They are, we’re trying to keep the strains separate but I’ve got some more coming in and will need space to plant them. Or rather Jesus will, he loves working with plants. I’ve managed to get some White Widow seeds, they’re supposed to be really something. So, if you can get around to building a new greenhouse?”

  Zacharael-Lan made a mock motion of weighing things in his hands. “Hmm. Repairing The Irascible One’s palace and stopping it collapsing on one h
and or building you a new greenhouse for pot plants on the other. No real conflict there, I’ll be around with the supplies first thing. I’ll charge the materials off to the repairs on the Ultimate Palace. Nobody will notice, I’ve been delivering stuff there in the morning, taking it back at night and redelivering it again the next day for centuries. The Palace treasurer has probably paid for the same slabs of alabaster and jewels four or five times over. New greenhouse in the same place?”

  “Think so, even if the Unbearable Father starts to look, he’ll never think of starting with his own son’s palace. Umm, Zacharael-Lan, could you do me a big favor?”

  “Sure Michael-Lan. Name it.”

  “I’m going to be away for a few days again. I’ve got a big pick-up to make with the guys in Myanmar. They’re clearing their stocks out and want me to collect it. In exchange for large additions to their ‘retirement’ funds of course. My fault, I got them involved in what I thought would be a nasty, long-running border war and they went and lost in a few days. Humans learned to use portals for maneuvering faster than I thought possible. Anyway, it’s a get-it or lose-it situation. I’ve organized an attack on Los Angeles for Uriel and another by Dumah and the Scarlet Beast on Jerusalem to act as diversions.”

  “Good. Never liked Uriel, far too much of a cold fish for me and there always was something a bit strange about him. And as for Dumah and Fluffy, he leaves his droppings everywhere and she’s got altogether too high an opinion of herself. She’s just an Erelim like me but she spends her life looking down her nose at all of us. No respect that’s her trouble. Just because she gets on with that Scarlet Beast, she thinks she can get away with anything.”

  “Well, she has The Unbearable Father’s ear so she can.” And that’s why she has got to go along with that wretched pet. “For a while, anyway. Anyway, I won’t be here so could you front for me for a few days? Gabriel and Raphael will do all the actual work but we’ll be having an outsider coming in and I’d rather he didn’t know how high the leadership here really goes. Having an Erelim in charge would be perfect.”