If I Tell

by Janet Gurtler

  “Nothing. She took off for an exam. I haven’t seen her since.”

  Unsure of where to look or even which direction to walk in, I took a tentative step forward.

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” he told me.

  “Ashley? Um, yeah. I know.” I frowned.

  He laughed. “No. Carrie. She’s not my girlfriend.” He pushed a hand off his car and brushed back his long hair. “I broke up with her before I even moved to Tadita. It’s been over for a long time.”

  “But she said she was your girlfriend.”

  “I know. She wouldn’t let go. Carrie’s got some issues. I told her we were breaking up before I went to rehab, but she hung on. Then Grams and I moved right away, and Carrie still had some of my stuff, and I still had some of hers. She was calling me a lot, and I felt sorry for her because of some of the stuff that had happened when I was doing drugs. She showed up unannounced the night you were at my place. Grams wanted me to take it easy on her. I had some amends to make. Sometimes I was a jerk. I was a different person then.

  “She’s going to rehab, but she’s struggling and holding on to the past. I assured her we are over for good. I set her straight. Told her I was interested in someone else.” He stepped toward me. “I gave her back all her stuff, and she went home.”

  “Oh.”

  “You owe me an apology.”

  “I said I was sorry,” I said in a soft voice.

  “Yeah. About calling me a faker. What about calling me a druggie? I’m not dealing anymore. Just so you know. That pissed me off. I haven’t touched drugs since I left Whistler. I don’t do them, and I don’t deal them.”

  I groaned. “It’s just that you got so many calls, and I heard you saying you had the stuff. It seemed so obvious…”

  Jackson looked puzzled and then smacked his head with his hand. “Carrie. She was calling all the time using excuses like some CDs of hers I had and a couple of books. She used every excuse she could come up with to call. If I acted all mysterious and tried to cover it up, it was because I didn’t want you to think she was my girlfriend. I should have just told you the truth.”

  I took a deep breath. More secrets that we should have told each other. “I’m sorry. For what I said…” I stopped, blushing.

  Jackson grinned. “That I’m a stupid crush or a drug dealer? Or that I don’t deserve to be black?”

  “I can’t believe I said any of that. Funny how I’m like everyone else, jumping to conclusions based on appearance.”

  I started full-on babbling but stopped when I saw his smile.

  He took a step toward me. I clung to his hoodie and fought a desire to flee him and run to safety.

  “Let’s get one thing clear. You have never been just a friend to me.” He stepped closer. “You didn’t make a mistake when you kissed me. You surprised me, but I kissed you back with everything I had, and it was the best kiss of my life. It took all my friggin’ will to pull away. I only did because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself. I thought it wasn’t the right time for you.

  “I’ve been waiting for it to be right. I didn’t want to be, you know, a way of getting by, of coping with the bad stuff. I wanted to stay friends a while longer because you really needed one, and then I planned to bust out my moves later.” He grinned, but his smile faded quickly. “But not telling you the truth about Carrie, not trusting you to understand was stupid, especially after you talked to me about Simon.”

  “I should have asked you about the dealing, instead of assuming. I guess I have to learn to trust people too. And myself. Even Simon.”

  “Simon?”

  “I talked to him, and he did mess up that night like you said. He was embarrassed and guilty, and it was just a kiss, nothing more. I should have gone to him. Asked him about it.”

  He took another step and we faced each other, almost nose to nose. He leaned down and spoke right to my face. I smelled coffee on his breath but it was delicious. “You’ve intrigued me since the first time I saw you hauling around that guitar of yours at school. I mean, obviously I’m into guitars. And girls with guitars are a given. Especially since you’re okay to look at and all.” He grinned and reached out and pushed back a curl from my cheek. My stomach swooped.

  “I watched you distance yourself from everyone and wondered what made you that way. I mean, I could tell you were biracial like me and I heard about you living with your grandma, but there was more. From the first day I laid eyes on you, there were sparks.” He spread out his hand like each finger was a firecracker and fireworks were going off. “I couldn’t figure out how to get to know you better at school since you didn’t seem to talk to anyone, so I applied for a job at Grinds to meet you.”

  My mouth opened in surprise. “You did?”

  “I wanted to get to know you. I didn’t want to come on too strong or move too fast and scare you off. I didn’t want to be all ‘Hey, I’m biracial too, so let’s hook up.’ I wanted to tell you, but after I gave you a ride home that night, I saw you had a lot going on. I wanted you to get to know me and not the reputation. I have this messed-up past that follows me around now. I thought it might scare off a nice girl like you. And it did.”

  His phone rang and he cursed, but he pulled it from his pocket. He glanced at the number and smiled. “Oh, look. It’s my drug dealer.” He handed the phone to me. “Answer it.”

  I frowned, but he nodded and grinned. In a leap of faith, I clicked the phone on.

  “Hello?”

  “Jaz? Why are you on Jackson’s phone?” Ashley’s voice asked from the other end. I smiled and pulled the phone away from my ear. “Ashley?” I mouthed to Jackson. He lifted his shoulder and tilted his head innocently.

  “Um. Why are you calling Jackson’s phone?” I asked Ashley but kept an eye on him.

  She ignored me. “Did you finally tell him you were an idiot?” she asked.

  “Um. Maybe I am an idiot, but why are you calling Jackson’s phone? Are you two all best friends now?” I fake-glowered at Jackson.

  “Did you finally make up?” Ashley demanded. “Did you tell him you didn’t mean what you said? That you’re not as narrow-minded and stuck-up as you sounded?”

  “Maybe.” I smiled at Jackson.

  “And he told you he’s not with Carrie. That she’s been stalking him.”

  “Well, he didn’t say stalking.”

  “He should have. I met her, and she was kind of scary. Anyway, forget her. You are with Jackson! That is awesome. We are so going on a double date with Marnie,” Ashley said. “The four of us. She’ll be so happy. Jackson has been killing us with his misery.”

  “Jackson has been hanging out with you and Marnie?”

  Jackson reached over and took the phone from my ear. “Quit giving away my secrets,” he said to Ashley. “Jaz and I need to talk.” He grinned at me and told Ashley we were busy and we’d talk to her later and hung up the phone.

  “So you’re all best buds with Ashley now?” I asked when he clicked his phone off.

  He smiled. “You know I can’t resist lesbians.”

  I punched him in the arm. “And she can’t resist criminals.”

  He wrapped his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest, feeling shy. I inhaled the same scent that still lingered on his hoodie, the smell of him. Of boy. Not bad boy, not good, just boy. I didn’t want to move out of his arms.

  “So Ashley is happy,” he said. “And planning double dates?”

  “She’ll dye her hair rainbow colors to celebrate,” I said to his chest.

  Jackson stepped back and gently took me by the shoulders and moved me in front of him. He lifted my chin with his finger. My skin tingled under his touch.

  “I’ll wait if you need time,” he said. “But I want to be more than your friend.”

  “There’s no waiting.” I smiled and then groaned. “I’m so sorry about everything I said to hurt you.”

  He leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I forgive you.”
r />   “My life is still very messy,” I warned.

  “I’m okay with messy.”

  “My mom is sick,” I told him. “Postpartum depression. She’s in the hospital. Simon and Joe need my help.”

  “Joe?”

  I grinned. “My brother. They finally named him. After my grandpa.”

  He nodded. “That’s cool. So you’ll be helping out, right? Things are better with you and Simon?”

  “Yeah. They need me.”

  “Is she going to be okay?”

  I shrugged, wishing I could be certain. “I hope so.”

  Jackson reached down and took the hoodie from my hands. I watched as he unraveled it and then gently pulled it over my head. I poked my arms through the sleeves, the first time I’d ever worn it properly on my body.

  He reached for my hand and tugged on it. “Hey. Come on. I’m parked illegally here. Can I take you somewhere?”

  “You know anything about babies?”

  He looked a little frightened, and I laughed. “I could use some help babysitting in an hour. I won’t make you change diapers, but I want to be there for my family. I promised Simon I’d look after Joe. So he could visit Mom. You could keep me company.”

  He twirled his hoop earring. “Sure. But later you’ve got to come and meet my grandma. She’s going to eat you up.”

  A spark of anticipation ignited in my chest. I wanted to meet her even though it terrified me. “I hope so. My grandma already called you handsome and polite.”

  “She has impeccable taste.” He chuckled. “You have no idea what you’re getting into with Grams.”

  I shrugged off my nerves. “Piece of cake.” I was lying. But it wasn’t a bad lie.

  He grinned at me. “Whatever, right?”

  “Yeah,” I said, grinning wider. “Whatever.”

  He took my hand. I threw my head back and laughed, and the sound that rolled out from deep inside me echoed loudly in the air between us.

  And then Jackson leaned forward and kissed me.

  chapter twenty

  My knees pressed against each other, and swoops of anxiety roller-coastered around my insides, making me even more unsteady on my shaky feet. Water dripped down my face.

  “Are you okay?” Ashley asked from behind me. I turned to look at her.

  Her wet hair was slicked back, the colored tips dripping with water. She looked so much stronger and more powerful in her bathing suit. Her arms were rounded with muscles, her shoulders broad. She was so comfortable and nonchalant in her swimsuit that I felt a little better about prancing around half naked myself. Water from the locker-room showers flowed around her feet.

  “Fine,” I said. “I’m fine.”

  She held out her hand. “Come on. You’re done showering.”

  “It’s so freezing,” I complained and wrapped my arms around my waist.

  “You’ll get used to it once you’re in the water, trust me.”

  “Trust you,” I grumbled and reached for the faucet and turned the shower off.

  I followed her out of the women’s locker room and stepped onto the pool deck. The blue water in the pool mocked me as the scent of chlorine filled my nose. The smell brought back memories. I straightened my back and pulled the back of my bathing suit down, making sure it covered my butt.

  Ashley said hi to the lifeguard and walked over to the shallow end of the pool. I didn’t follow her. I glanced over at the small viewing area. Jackson stood up and waved. He held Joe up, but Joe was curled up, fast asleep.

  So much for my little brother witnessing my first step back in the pool.

  “Come on,” Ashley called. “We’ve only got a half hour until my practice.”

  I took a tiny step forward toward the pool.

  acknowledgments

  Many people gave me eyes and thoughts on this book, which evolved and changed over time, but my first thanks has to be to Leah Hultenschmidt, my lovely editor at Sourcebooks, for choosing to bring Jaz to life and then giving me guidance to help Jaz and her friends become more alive.

  I also need to thank my wonderful agent, Jill Corcoran, and lovely folks at Sourcebooks like Aubrey Poole, Kelly Barrales-Saylor, Kay Mitchell, Kristin Zelazko, and the sales and marketing people. (And all the others behind the scenes who I haven’t had a chance to meet or thank personally yet.) Teen Fire rocks!

  To Bethany Hegedus, the best friend I’ve never met, for taking time to go through the story line by line and helping me see things I missed. And also for our great chats and pep talks over the years. I truly treasure you!

  Thanks also to readers who gave me great feedback including Robin Graf Prehn, Ronni Selzer, Pamela Yaye, and Barbara Etlin.

  And though this book is about Jaz, close to my heart is her mother’s experience with postpartum depression. I want to thank Dr. Diana Turner in Calgary for helping me believe I was going to be all right when I didn’t know if I would be.

  about the author

  Janet Gurtler lives in Calgary, Canada, deliciously close to the Canadian Rockies, with her husband, son, and the memories of a sweet little dog named Meeko. Janet does not live in an igloo or play hockey, but she does love maple syrup and says “eh” a lot.