by Guy Lilburne
I can see the road.”
“That’s a sun roof floor. Now stop moaning. It’s free to you lot. I’m the one who hired it.”
“Well, whatever you paid, it was too much,” laughed Terry as he pushed his glasses further up towards the bridge of his nose.
The journey took them four hours. Sloany stopped off to fill up with fuel and paid for it by having a collection from the passengers.
He made his way to The Dheva Mantra Resort & Spa. It was a beautiful 5 Star hotel next to the River Kwai. He had seen it on Agoda. He had seen it on Agoda, but he hadn’t booked it. He was still thinking how to play the situation as he pulled up outside the beautiful hotel.
“You lot stay here and I’ll make sure the rooms are OK,” he said, jumping out of the minibus before anyone could say anything.
The rest of them were saying how splendid the hotel looked and were describing it to Cliff. After a few minutes they started to unpack the luggage from the bus. Sloany came storming back to the van in fake outrage.
“Put the bags back on the bus,” he said as he got in the driver’s seat and started the engine.
“What’s happened?” asked Old Tony as he lit up another cigarette.
“Just put the bags on the bus. I’m fucking furious. I need to calm down a bit before I can tell you what they have done.”
“Have we got rooms?”
“Not here we haven’t. They have over booked. They have put us up in another 5 Star resort further along the river.”
“Well, that’s alright Sloany.”
“No it’s not Terry. I don’t like letting my mates down. I booked this trip so it’s down to me. You lot know me. My word is my bond. I’m not happy.”
“Don’t worry Sloany. One 5 Star hotel is as good as another one. It’s still a bargain weekend for the money and I mean that most sincerely.” Terry looked around the minibus for conformation and it came in the form of nods and grunts.
Sloany drove towards The River Inn Hotel which was further along the river and for which he actually did have a booking for seven rooms at 425baht each. It certainly wasn’t 5 Star. It was possibly one star, but at least it had a swimming pool in the hotel next door, which they could use and it was near the river. It was basic but comfortable and the rooms had air conditioning.
Sloany pulled up outside the hotel.
“Well, it doesn’t look as nice as the first one, but it looks OK,” he observed.
“Look, you lot stay here and I’ll make sure everything is OK. If I’m not happy then I’m going back to the first hotel to tell them it’s not acceptable.”
“Well, have a look first.”
“I will.”
Sloany walked into the reception and handed over his booking form. The pretty girl behind the counter confirmed the booking and had a beautiful smile.
“I want the best room for me.”
“All room same same Sir.”
“Everybody says that, but I know from experience some rooms are always better than others.” Sloany boomed out a laugh.
The girl took Sloany to examine each room. He checked the shower, air conditioning, the view and the condition of the bed in each room. He knew straight away when he found the best one.
“OK. I’ll have this room. It doesn’t matter who has what room with the others.”
The girl nodded, but didn’t really understand anything other than Sloany had picked his room on the ground floor. Four of the booked rooms were on the ground floor the other three were up two flights of stairs. There was no lift! Even Sloany thought that it was a shame for the people who were going to get the upstairs rooms. The stairs looked steep!
Sloany walked outside into the early evening sunshine and back to the minibus.
“The bad news is that this hotel is not as nice as the first one. The good news is I have just spoke to the manager at the first hotel and he said that we can all have a free room next time we come here for the inconvenience we have suffered.”
“That sounds OK Sloany. I’m ’appy with that.”
“Thanks Norris. Come on boys. Let’s have a look at the rooms.”
A plan had been hatched. They had decided to unpack in their rooms, have a shower and go out for a few beers and something to eat. Sloany, Terry, Simon and Cliff got the ground floor rooms. Norris, John and Old Tony were the unlucky ones who had to climb up and down the stairs.
After they had all showered and changed they made their way along the narrow road to a small row of bars along Mae Nam Khwae Road (River Kwai Road)
They found a nice little restaurant and ordered seven Steak and Chip dinners. They drank some beers and their night out had begun.
Old Tony was explaining to Cliff how he liked to help people with his spiritual gift.
“If you believe in all that bollocks you must be a complete idiot. No offence Norris,” Sloany butted in.
“None taken,” said Norris, taking a bite out of the garlic bread that he had ordered as a side dish.
“It’s complete and utter nonsense. You’d never convince me. Not unless you could tell me right now about my dead family.” Sloany folded his arms and nodded as he looked around the group. He had thrown down a challenge and he felt proud of himself. He was slightly surprised when Old Tony closed his eyes and said ‘OK’. It was dramatic and Sloany rubbed the goose bumps on his arms.
“I’m getting the names Mary and Margaret. I think they are your mother and your aunty.”
“Fuck off. Norris has told you that.”
“I ’aven’t. I knew your mum’s name was Mary, but I’ve never mentioned it to Old Tony. I’ve never even heard of Margaret, so ’ow could I tell ’im about that?”
“Mary - sorry, your mum, says that she died five years ago from cancer and that Aunty Margaret died the same year after being hit by a car outside Sainsbury’s.”
“I don’t believe it!”
“It’s true Sloany.”
“I know all that is true, but I don’t believe you know all this stuff.”
“I didn’t. Mary is telling me about it now. She says that Aunty Margaret is very happy now. Your mum says that she knows that you still think about her and she understands that you miss her and love her. She says that she loves you too. She is with you more than you know and she tries to look after you as best she can from the other side. She thinks that you masturbate too much.”
“Oh God! I didn’t think she could see me. Tell her I need my privacy. How is my Uncle Frank?”
“ You’re mum says that she never watches you in the bathroom, so it’s best to knock one out in there and not on the bed, if you don’t want her to see. She doesn’t like to watch you having a shit. She says she doesn’t know what you’ve been eating, but it’s no good for you. Uncle Frank is fine and sends all his love. He is very happy that you still remember him.”
“I’ll never forget him.” Sloany wiped a tear from his eye. “He looked after me every day after school. He fed me and, if it wasn’t for my Uncle Frank, I’d have never had a holiday. He used to take me camping with him and Aunty Ann. He was a lovely man.”
“Your Uncle Frank says that he misses you. He says that he still remembers all the camping trips that you had.”
“That’s true,” Sloany announced to the group. “He used to take me camping. I’m fucking amazed.”
“Uncle Frank says that Aunty Ann sends her love. She remembers when Frank used to look after you after school and feed you. She says that you were like a son to them.”
“I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry that I ever doubted you. You are amazing. Thank you so much Tony.”
“You are very welcome.”
Old Tony could see that Sloany had become a bit emotional, but in a happy sort of way. He decided not to tell him that Tuk ha
d told him about Mary and Margaret dying. The rest of the stuff Sloany had just told him himself!
After the meal they walked from bar to bar. They had lots of beer and chatted to lots of pretty bar girls. They discussed prices for both short time and longtime services. They discussed what exactly the services consisted of and whether condoms had to be worn. It seemed like the going rate was oral and full intercourse without a condom and the girls would stay all night. All for 1000 baht. A bargain!
Some of the bar girls were just average, but some of them were really pretty and had great bodies. There were a few lady boys and they were not so pretty, but they were taller. They also wore a lot of make-up, but they were fooling nobody. As the night rolled on the Pattaya boys were getting drunker and having a great time. Because the bars were so close the boys just sort of split up as they paid bar fines in various bars for their chosen girls. The 19th Hole, One More Bar, Pen Bar and Ting Tong Bar all provided girls for them.
Terry and Cliff stopped off at the Ting Tong Bar with their chosen dates for one last drink, before heading back to the hotel. The lady owner behind the bar recognised them from earlier on in the evening.
“Hello again,” she smiled.
“Hi.”
“Why you not buy girls from my bar?”
They all laughed and Terry ordered a round of drinks.
“Your friend just go with my katoey.”
“What’s a katoey?” asked Cliff.
“A lady boy,” whispered Terry.
“Which friend?” asked Cliff.
The lady behind the bar smiled. She knew that she was being a bit naughty, telling the boys that their friend liked lady boys, but she was going to tell them anyway.
“The big fat man. No hair. Wipe head with towel all the time. Very loud, say many bad words.”
“Sloany!”
“Yes. He say his name Sloany. He used to be special soldier and work for the Queen.”
Terry shrugged his shoulders, but Cliff didn’t see it.
“Did you know about Sloany, Terry?”
“Well, we all suspected, but nobody knew for sure. To be honest Cliff nobody cares. Each to his own. Do you see where I’m coming from?”
“I think Sloany will be coming from behind.”
They both laughed.
Each member of the group eventually arrived back at the hotel with their bar girls. They had showers and had sex. Then they slept.
Terry was one of the first to wake up. He woke his bed companion up by having sex with her. She woke up just before he had finished.
“I really like you,” he said as he got into full thrust. “What’s your name?”
“You forget me already? My name Tip.”
“No. I’d never forget you.”
After sex they both showered and Terry went and fetched two coffees, which he took back to the room. They sat out on the balcony to drink them, so Tip could smoke. It was still only 5:30am and just starting to get light.
Sloany was in the room next door. The door onto his balcony opened and the lady boy from the Ting Tong bar started to walk out onto the balcony. Terry and Tip didn’t even get chance to say hello before they saw Sloany’s strong arm reach out and grab her by the shoulder. He yanked her back into his room and shut the door. Terry burst out laughing. She had only wanted to go out onto the balcony for a cigarette. She hadn’t had a chance to shower or shave yet, but Sloany forced her out of his room and out into the corridor. He was confident that Terry hadn’t seen her, but he thought that it was a close call.
“I want shower,” she protested, in a voice that sounded a lot deeper than it did the previous night.
“No. You’ve been paid. Now fuck off, before somebody sees you.” He slammed the door shut. She swore under her breath in Thai and walked out of the hotel.
Between 7:00am and 8:00am most of the group gathered in the hotel restaurant for the buffet breakfast with their dates from the night before. The girls looked cute and sort of sexy with short dresses and tattoos. Everyone chatted over breakfast about the previous night and everyone agreed it had been a great night.
“Has anyone seen Sloany? He disappeared last night.” John looked around for some response, but none was forthcoming.
Terry thought about telling what he had seen on the balcony at 5:30am that morning, but decided not to. Cliff thought about relating what the bar owner had told him the previous night, but decided not to.
Just then Sloany walked into the restaurant.
“Good morning, you bunch of dirty bastards,” he shouted across the room as he poured some juice at the buffet table. He stood there and emptied the glass in one go before refilling it. He repeated the process several times. After selecting various items from the buffet he went and joined the group.
“It looks like I was the only one who didn’t pull.”
“Yes, you’re right. It looks like that!” laughed Terry.
“Why didn’t you get a girl Sloany?” asked Norris.
“I did Norris. I got two birds. I paid the bar fine and they came back with me. I had a blow job from both of them and then I did both of them. After that I wanted them to do some girl on girl action for me, but they wouldn’t. So I told them I was only giving them 500 baht each, because they didn’t do everything I wanted. They started arguing, so I paid them 500 baht and told them to fuck off. I’m not standing for that nonsense.” He stuffed some ham into his mouth and looked around the group, nodding to endorse his tough stance on bar girls.
The breakfast wasn’t fantastic, but it was food and it was OK after a night on the beer.
“I don’t suppose you lot want to go and play golf now with hangovers?”
“I don’t mind,” said Norris.
“I’m up for it,” said John.
“Actually, I’m not that bothered,” said Terry, putting his arm around Tip. “I wouldn’t mind spending the day with Tip and having a look around. They’ve got some war graves here and a museum.”
Simon shrugged his shoulders.
“I’ll just go with the flow.”
“Well, we need a decision. We either all go or nobody goes, because I only get the discount for a group booking. I don’t mind losing the deposit for today if nobody wants to go.”
They all looked around at each other and nobody said anything.
“OK. I’m making the decision for everyone then. We won’t go today. We can have a relaxing easy day today and we can play tomorrow before we go home.” Sloany banged his hand down on the table, which signalled the end of the discussion.
Terry stayed with Tip all day and all night. The rest of the group did their own thing and got different girls for that night. Twenty-four hours later they were all sitting at the breakfast buffet again and Sloany talked the group into going straight back to Pattaya, without stopping to play golf. He told them that he didn’t mind losing the deposit he had paid for two days golf, because they were his friends. He said that, as long as they had had a good time, he was happy. He made himself sound almost saintly.
The group of them had had a good time. They always had a good time when Sloany arranged a trip away. It had never ever turned out as Sloany said it would, but it was always good fun.
A couple of days after they arrived back in Pattaya Terry went into The Sloan Square Bar wearing sunglasses.
“Bloody hell! It’s George Clooney.”
“What’s with the glasses?”
“I’ll put you right! I’ve got an eye infection. It’s been driving me mad and I mean that most sincerely.” Terry removed his sunglasses and everyone could see that his eyes were red raw and looked really sore.
“Ouch! That’s nasty,” said John.
“It bloody hurts. I’ll tell you that much.”
Old Tony drew deeply
on his cigarette. He dropped some ash onto his white robe. He smudged it into the cloth as he tried to flick it off. He looked up at Terry.
“Does it hurt when you pee?”
“Blimey, you are a bit physic, aren’t you? Yes, it does actually.”
“You’ve got a dose of clap from that bird in Khanchanaburi.”
“No. Tip wouldn’t do that. She is a nice girl. I’m sure she wouldn’t have a dose of anything. I’m sure I haven’t got a dose of anything. I think I’ve just got a bit of grit in my eyes.”
“Grit in your eyes that makes your dick burn when you pee?”
“Do you think they are connected?”
“You need to go to the clinic and you need to go now.”
“I don’t know if I want to. I’ve never been to a clinic before and I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m a bit embarrassed really. Do you see where I’m coming from?”
“Do you know where the clap clinics are in Pattaya?” asked Sloany.
“Actually, no I don’t.”
“Come on. I’ll take you.”
“Really Sloany! You’d do that for me?”
“Yes Terry. You should know me by now. I’d do anything for my mates.” Terry climbed on the back of Sloany’s bike and he drove him to the nearest clinic. He followed Sloany inside. There were a few Thai girls in the waiting room, but mostly the seats were taken up with elderly farang men. Sloany walked boldly and confidently up to the reception desk, followed a bit sheepishly by Terry.
“Do you speak English?”
“Yes sir. How can I help you?”
“It’s not for me. I’m not a dirty bastard. It’s for my mate here. He has caught a dose of something nasty and needs to see the doctor before he spreads it all around Pattaya.”
Sloany turned to Terry.
“OK mate. Give her your details and I’ll leave you to it. You can get a baht bus back to the bar.”
Sloany walked out of the clinic before Terry could think of anything to say.
