by Guy Lilburne
Chapter 10: One of the Boys
Cliff and Simon had both become one of the boys. They had been welcomed into the family who were the regulars of The Sloan Square Bar. Cliff had a very pleasant laugh, which seemed to be a constant low chuckle that would sometimes erupt like a volcano into a full blown belly laugh. Although Sloany managed to offend and insult him every day, Cliff still liked him. He loved the exaggerated stories that Sloany came out with and he loved even more the stories that the others told him about Sloany. The best one that he heard was when Sloany arranged a shark fishing trip and ended up taking them to a fishing pond near Sattahip.
One morning Sloany was explaining to everyone in the bar what a fantastic landlord he was.
“It’s not easy being a landlord. Sometimes you have to make tough decisions and bar people.”
“You’ve barred everyone from here. You do it all the time,” protested Norris.
“I don’t. I do when they deserve it. That’s what I say Norris, I have to make tough decisions for the better of everyone.”
“You didn’t need to ban ‘Stumpy’. That wasn’t right and he’s never been back since.”
“Well, that’s up to him. It had to be done Norris.”
“What happened with Stumpy?” asked Cliff.
Terry took up the story.
“Stumpy’s real name was Brian. He was from Scotland. He was only 60 years old, but had to take early retirement on account of his disability. He had had a terrible accident in the factory where he worked and had to have both legs amputated. This all happened about six months before he came to live in Thailand. To be honest I don’t think that he had come to terms with it mentally. Do you see where I’m coming from?”
Cliff nodded.
“Anyway, on his first day in Pattaya we sort of befriended Brian as he was going past in his wheelchair. He was happy to come into the bar and play dominos. He was a great bloke, just a bit sad about what had happened to him. When Sloany saw him he burst out laughing and said ‘Hey up Stumpy. Don’t get drunk, I don’t want you going home legless again today.’ We all laughed to be fair and Brian seemed to laugh along too. He kept coming into the bar, but asked us to call him Brian because he didn’t like the nickname Stumpy. When he told Sloany, Sloany went mad. He said ‘Well, if you don’t like it you can fuck off and don’t bother coming back. You are barred.’ Then he pushed him out of the bar and gave him an almighty shove down the road. I swear his wheelchair nearly rolled all the way down to the beach.” Terry started laughing along with everyone else except Sloany.
“It had to be done Terry. He was upsetting the customers.”
“No he wasn’t. He was a lovely man. He had just had a recent tragic and life changing accident.”
“Well, I’m a fair man and if he wanted to come back in the bar I would be prepared to give him a second chance. He just has to say sorry!”
Cliff laughed. His laugh was deep and rich like his voice. He wasn’t laughing at Brian’s tragedy. He was laughing at Sloany’s total lack of interpersonal skills and basic decency. He was such an inept person it actually made him funny.
“Oh Sloany, you make me laugh.” Cliff paused for breath. “You are the most incompetent, clumsy, bungling, heavy-handed and ham-fisted person I have ever met. But you have a sense of humour!”
“Well, I don’t think that’s very funny.”
Sloany wasn’t sure whether to be insulted or angry, but he did feel a bit hurt because he thought Cliff was his friend. Sloany stood up to storm off into the kitchen, but before he did he waved two fingers at Cliff.
“How do you know what people are like? You are fucking blind.”
Cliff burst out laughing and so did everyone else.
Simon was settling down into life as a radio DJ at Pattaya 205FM. In fact he was really starting to love the job. This was down to two reasons. The first one was Pom. He liked seeing her every day. He thought that she was beautiful and funny. She smiled a lot and he was pretty sure that she flirted with him sometimes. He had already established that she didn’t have a husband or a boyfriend. He just felt happy when he saw her. Pom was also happy to see Simon. She liked him a lot. He didn’t seem like the other farangs, who tried to ‘chat her up’ when she was out with her friends. She hated the farangs who offered her money to sleep with them when she was on a night out. Simon was always very polite and respectful towards her. He smiled a lot and she was pretty sure that he flirted with her sometimes. If one of them went out for food or coffee they always bought something for the other as well. It was a slow burning romance that either would or would not come to anything. Unless one of them actually made the first move, it was likely to stay on the back burner forever.
The second reason that Simon was starting to love his job was because of Sloany. Simon’s four hour radio phone-in show had never had a single caller. The show was also contactable on the internet via Facebook and Twitter. Nobody had ever bothered to contact the show on the internet either. Pom did a great job in raising any sponsorship and selling advertising space, but nobody really knew how many people were listening to the show. It was Sloany who changed all that!
Simon had tried to promote the phone-ins by introducing ‘guess the year’ and ‘guess the artists’ competitions, but nobody had ever responded. Either nobody knew any of the answers or nobody was bothered. One day, out of desperation and sheer boredom, he started telling stories about Sloany and the other characters in The Sloan Square Bar. He changed all the names of course, including the name of the bar. The Sloan Square Bar became the Waiting for God Bar. Gary Sloan became Barry Moan and the domino players became card players. People found the stories very entertaining and simply hilarious. Facebook and Twitter suddenly took off with hundreds of people commenting on the stories. Then the phone started ringing and Simon had his real live phone-in show. It just took off. The station had window and car stickers printed and anyone who wanted one could ask for one by phoning in or making a request on the internet. The stickers flew out and Simon started to notice them on cars and on shop windows all over the city.
Cliff’s holiday had come to an end. Sloany arranged a leaving party in his bar for Cliff and Cliff was delighted to accept the offer. Sloany decided not to put any balloons up because Cliff wouldn’t be able to see them and it would encourage the ‘balloon chasers’ to come into the bar, eat the free food and not buy any drinks. ‘Balloon chasers’ was the name that farangs gave to other farangs who did just that and there were a lot of them. Actually the food wasn’t going to be free either. Sloany had decided to make some sandwiches, sausage rolls, curry and rice and charge 100 baht a head for it, which he would put on Cliff’s bill at the end of the night. It was a good night and the bar was busy. Cliff was sorry to be going home, but promised to come back again. Sloany gave him a big hug before he left.
“Why don’t you just live in Pattaya Cliff? You can’t have a job or anything back in the USA!”
“I have got a job Sloany.”
“Really, what do you do?”
“I’m a professional musician.”
“Wow! That’s fantastic. I’m amazed. There is a lot more to you than just being a blind black man. Oh sorry, mate! You did already know that you were black didn’t you?”
“Yes. I already knew Sloany,” laughed Cliff. “Don’t worry, you didn’t ruin the surprise.”
Cliff was missed when he went back to America, but things carried on as usual. Things were always the same, unless something different happened. Something different did happen one Saturday lunch time.
The day started off just like any other day. The Domino Crew met up at The Sloan Square Bar at around 10:00am for breakfast, beer and dominos. Because it was a Saturday Simon was also there. Tuk cooked and served the breakfasts, teas, coffees and beers. Sloany sweated a lot and wiped his forehead with his tea towel. He was telling
a story about how he had beaten up four Russian men the previous night because they tried to push in front of him at a Seven Eleven shop. He started the story by saying that he had got into a fight with a man the previous night, but as the story took shape and his imagination became inspired, the man became four Russian men who had obviously just got back from a work out at the gym. According to Sloany they were all over six foot tall and built like ‘brick shit-houses’. The only reason Sloany stepped in was because they knocked over some old lady when they pushed in front of him at the shop. Apparently Sloany picked the old lady up and paid for her shopping before taking on the four giants and knocking them all out.
“You haven’t got any bruises,” observed Old Tony.
“You know me Tony! I don’t like trouble, but when trouble comes I am in and out quick. Like a shadow. Maximum force, minimum effort. It’s my SAS training mate. You never forget it.” Sloany ducked and put his open hands out in front of him in a self-defense pose, as if to prove the point.
“But you are right Tony. I shouldn’t be knocking people out. I will get myself into trouble one day. Sometimes, I’m a really thick twat! No offence Norris.”
“None taken.”
The dominos arrived at the table as soon as the breakfast dishes had been taken away and the day’s play started. There was the usual chatter and laughter. They made a toast to ‘Living the Dream’ as they always did.
A couple of hours later they stopped play for a toilet break. Only Old Tony and Norris remained at the table. Old Tony stubbed out his cigarette.
“Norris, I’m going now. Will you say goodbye to everyone for me?”
“Tell them yourself. They’ll be back in a minute.”
“Tell them I loved them.”
“Fuck off!”
Old Tony didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. He was dead. He died just like that, just sitting at the table in The Sloan Square Bar. He didn’t slump forward or slide off the chair. He just died. He didn’t even close his eyes he just stopped breathing. He was gone! Norris didn’t even notice. The others returned from the toilet and sat down and the dominos were shuffled. Everyone took their dominos and then looked at Old Tony when he didn’t take his.
“Fucking hell! He’s dead and I mean that most sincerely.”
Simon checked for a pulse.
“He’s dead alright.”
“He asked me to say goodbye to you all. I thought that he was joking. The last thing he said was that he loved you all. I think I’m in shock. I’ve never seen anyone die before. He just said goodbye and died.”
Sloany went over to the table to find out why it had suddenly gone so quiet.
“Bloody hell Tony! You don’t look so good.”
“He’s dead Sloany.”
“Jesus! You’re kidding? He’s died in my bar on the busiest day of the week! He’s killing my business, that’s what he’s doing.”
Sloany moved closer to Old Tony to have a closer look at his face.
“Close his eyelids Sloany.”
“I’m not touching him.” Sloany jumped back at the suggestion.
John leaned over and closed his eyelids. He then crossed himself.
“God bless you Tony, my old friend.”
“Somebody had better ring the police or something,” said Simon.
“No. Nobody is ringing the police or rescue ambulance. This is the busiest day of the week for me. I can’t afford to lose a Saturday’s takings. If we ring the police they will automatically close the bar.”
“So what are we going to do?”
“He can stay there until we close tonight. He’s dead anyway and I’m sure he would rather be sitting here with friends, rather than lying in a morgue with a lot of dead people who he doesn’t know.”
Nobody answered at first and after an uncomfortable silence Terry spoke.
“We can’t do that Sloany. You can’t leave a dead body in the bar all day. The police will know that he has been dead a long time if you leave it until tonight.”
“We’ll say we didn’t notice. That we thought he was asleep and when we tried to wake him we realized he was dead.”
“I don’t know about that!”
“Look, it’s my bar and that is what we are doing. If you don’t like it you can all fuck off and I‘ll bar the lot of you. I suggest that we all have a drink to Old Tony and celebrate his life with him while he is still sitting here. The first round is on me.”
Sloany went back behind the bar and pulled the tops off six bottles of beer. He carried them over to the table on a tray. He placed a bottle in front of Old Tony and handed out the others to the group of shocked men.
“To Old Tony, a gentleman and a good friend.” He raised his bottle towards Old Tony and the others followed
“To Old Tony,” they chorused.
Sloany went through Old Tony’s pockets.
“What the hell are you doing?” asked Terry in a shocked high-pitched voice. Sloany ignored the question and continued until he found Old Tony’s wallet. He held it up.
“Got it. Well, we can’t leave it in his robe. When the police or the rescue people do come for him that will be the first thing that goes missing. How many times have you read in the Pattaya Mail that a dead farang ‘Hit and Run’ victim’s body was recovered, but he had no identification on him? That’s because the first thing a Thai will do is remove his wallet, which has his cash and his credit cards. No thank you. I’m not going to let that happen to Old Tony. Somebody can check the contents with me and I’ll keep it safe until we can find some family. If we don’t then we can donate the cash to Father Ray’s. Old Tony would like that.”
Everyone nodded their agreement. It seemed to make sense.
Sloany counted out 12,000 baht in cash in front of everyone, two credit cards, an old RAF photo and a piece of paper with a Thai phone number written on it. He then went into the other pocket in Old Tony’s robe and took out his hotel room key.
“I’ll go and ask Tuk if we have some old sunglasses to put on him. To be honest, if we put sunglasses on him he looks the same dead or alive!”
When Sloany went and asked Tuk and told her that Old Tony had died she burst into tears and ran from the kitchen. She ran through the bar to Old Tony and threw her arms around him. She kissed his face as she cried. Her tears wet his face.
“What are you doing you silly bitch?” said Sloany, as he pulled Tuk off Old Tony. “Get back in the kitchen. Today’s special won’t cook itself.”
He pushed a stunned Tuk back into the kitchen. She slumped to the floor and wept. She would cry for weeks to come. Sloany returned with some sunglasses and another round of drinks, which Old Tony was now paying for! Sloany put the sunglasses on Old Tony and pulled his trilby down slightly. He lit a cigarette and pushed it between Old Tony’s lips. Actually, Sloany was right. He looked no different from when he was alive. He looked sort of cool!
The cold beers gave way to whiskies and, as the gang got used to playing dominos with a dead person, the humour returned. They told stories and shared memories. They laughed and sometimes a tear was shed. They toasted Old Tony and they toasted ‘Living the Dream’.
“Are you going to arrange the funeral Sloany?” asked Terry.
“Am I fuck!”
“I’ll do it,” said Norris and they all toasted Old Tony once more.
The bar filled and emptied several times during the day but none of the customers coming and going noticed the dead man playing dominos. The domino crew all got drunk and made their way home. After the last customer left Sloany rang the police and told them that an old man had died in his bar. An hour later a policeman turned up on a motorbike and recorded the details. Sloany gave him 100 baht and then the Rescue vehicle turned up and took the body away. Sloany gave them Norris’s details for the body
recovery for a funeral. It was a sort of anti-climax. Sloany watched the Rescue Ambulance drive away with Old Tony’s body.
“Goodbye Tony. I won’t forget you. Say hello to Uncle Frank for me.”
It was the bar’s busiest day of the week and that day had been a good day. 12,000 baht more than the average Saturday!
It was only a few days later that they all gathered at the temple for Old Tony’s cremation ceremony. Norris had spread the word around Pattaya about Old Tony’s death; to anyone he thought might be interested in paying their respects. Old Tony was a well-liked figure amongst the ex-pat community and well-loved amongst the bar girls. As a result, on the day of Old Tony’s service, the temple was packed inside and out. The congregation was probably in equal amounts of ex-pat farangs and Thai bar girls. Old Tony’s coffin was on a trolley at the front of the temple and next to it was a big framed photo of Old Tony. It was an old RAF photo and Tony looked very handsome and dashing in it. Norris had told the monks to keep the service very short and that is what they did. After that Norris went to the front and stood by Old Tony’s coffin to say a few words. He was nervous and visibly shaking. He had nothing prepared and spoke slowly.
“I didn’t think it right that we just burn ’im without saying something. He was a nice bloke and we all liked ’im. He’s dead now, that’s why we’re burning ’im. So thanks, Tony. That’s all I have got to say really. Does anyone else want to say something?”
Sloany stood up and walked to the front and Norris went and sat down.
“Old Tony was a character around the city. Everybody loved him, but he was more than just a character. He was an RAF veteran, an ex-fighter pilot. A military hero much like myself, although I was actually Special Forces and I would have seen a lot more action than Old Tony. In the Regiment we appreciated the backup boys, as we call them - the cooks, the engineers, the pilots and truck drivers. They are all part of the team that allowed us, the action men, to do our job. I wouldn’t have been the war hero that I was if it wasn’t for people like Old Tony, who would fly people like me to the war zones. Old Tony was also a kind man. He gave a lot of his time and money for charity - especially Father Ray’s Orphanage. That was very close to his heart and he gave a lot - nearly as much as I give. He used to ask me how I could give so much time and money and I told him it was my passion. I inspired him to be a better person. It was the least I could do. Old Tony wasn’t the sort of person who would want a big send off, so we are having an informal drink for him at The Sloan Square Bar right after the service. I know that he would want each and every one of you to come along and have a drink. Even if it is just one drink, I think you would make Old Tony very happy if you made the effort. As a special remark of respect for Old Tony, today I will be selling all drinks as a special offer - buy two get one free.”
