Living The Dream

by Guy Lilburne

  Pom was meeting a group of friends in Café Des Amis. It was an elegant restaurant just off Thappraya Road. It specialized in French and European food. Pom and her friends always felt very sophisticated eating there. Pom’s dining friends were three other very pretty Thai girls and a lady boy named Tim. They all had good jobs in good careers and Café Des Amis was their monthly treat. As usual they all greeted each other as if they hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in years. After the hugging, kissing and taking photographs on smart phones of each other and of their starters and cocktails, the gossip started. The group noticed that Pom wasn’t as involved as she usually was. It was clear that she had something or somebody on her mind. She laughed when everybody else laughed, but she wasn’t really listening. There were some flicked looks between them and a nod. Tim had thus been appointed by the group to raise the issue.

  “So darling, who is he?”

  The question suddenly brought Pom back to the here and now. Like a rabbit startled when caught in the headlights of a car, she just froze. The others laughed.

  “Who is who?” Pom dabbed her mouth with the napkin to give herself more thinking time, but the only thing that she could think was ‘How do they know?’

  “Oh darling, you’re in love!”

  Pom felt herself blush and they all laughed again.

  “So tell us, who is he?”

  “Simon.” As soon as Pom said his name she realized it was true. She was in love with him. It felt like a relief to finally admit it, even if it was only to herself.

  “Oh my Buddha!” Noy pulled her chair closer to the table and ran her delicate hand through her long black hair, pushing it off her face. This was interesting news. “Tell us more.”

  The whole group of friends was suddenly involved.

  “When did this happen?”

  “The DJ from the radio?”

  “How did you guys get together?”

  “Have you made love yet?”

  “Has he met your mum yet?”

  “How big is his cock?”

  The last question was Tim’s and everyone laughed again.

  “We are not together - not yet. But I really like him.”

  “Does he know how you feel?”

  “I think so.”

  “Does he feel the same way about you?”

  “I think so, but I don’t know. Every day we spend time together. We flirt with each other, but he is so shy and we just sort of dance around the subject of love or dating. There have been so many times when I thought he was going to kiss me and ask me out, but he never does in the end.”

  “Never kisses you or never asks you out?”

  “He never does either.”

  “I know what the problem is,” announced Tim. “He’s gay.”

  “He’s not gay. He can’t be.” Pom tried to sound confident, but Tim had placed a seed of doubt in her mind.

  “It explains everything,” said Tim, popping another shrimp into her mouth. “He has a beautiful sexy girl coming onto him and he is just not interested.”

  “Or maybe he is just too shy, Pom. He is waiting for you to take the lead!”

  Pom nodded her head. The shy option seemed a lot better to her than the gay option.

  “Well darling, it’s simple. You just have to find out if Simon is gay or just shy?”

  The girls sat around the table all nodded their agreement. Various plans and ideas were offered up to find out what the problem with Simon was. Each was discussed and dissected and mostly dismissed.

  Simon arrived at Pattaya 205FM at 7 am the next morning, just as he always did. Pom was already there waiting for him for the pre-show meeting, just as she always was. They smiled and flirted and laughed, just as they always did. Simon wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her, just like he always wanted to, but never did.

  “Last night your eyes burn?” asked Pom.

  “What?”

  “Last night your eyes burn?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Last night me and my friends all talk about you. I think we make your eyes burn.”

  “Oh! You mean ears burn.”

  “Yes. I think your ears burn for sure.”

  “Why? What did you say about me?”

  “We talk long time. We talk about what you like.”

  “Was it good or bad? What everybody said, I mean.”

  “It depend on you. Nobody understand you.”

  “I don’t really understand what you are talking about Pom.”

  “I’m shy to tell you.”

  “Oh!”

  They looked at each other and smiled nervously at each other. Something remained unsaid and, if it were to be said, it might get lost in translation.

  “So what happens now?” asked Simon looking at the day’s sponsorship list, but not really seeing it.

  “Just one minute please.” Pom grabbed her mobile phone and rang her friend Tim. She spoke quickly in Thai, then listened and nodded to whatever it was that Tim was saying to her. She closed the phone.

  “OK Simon. Will you come to eat with me and my friends after the show today? We have something to say to you.”

  “Yes, of course. I’d love to have lunch with you.”

  Pom squealed and clapped her hands.

  “OK. I ring friends and we go eat after show.”

  Simon was happy too, but he wasn’t really sure why. But Pom seemed very excited about something.

  It was another great show. The music and the chat mixed and flowed. The phone-in contributions were up again by another 15%. The listening public of Pattaya had taken Barry Moan and the rest of the characters from the Waiting for God Bar to their hearts.

  After the show Simon followed Pom on her motorbike. He hadn’t bothered to ask her where they were going. He was just happy to be going anywhere with her. He followed her to 12 Thepprasit Road, South Pattaya, which was the address of The Maggs Restaurant. It was a lovely restaurant and the food was great. Pom’s friends were already inside, waiting for her at one of the window tables. They all hugged, squeezed, kissed and cuddled each other, before they turned to Simon and greeted him with polite wais. The menus were perused, pondered and steaks all round were ordered. It was only as the steaks started to arrive that Tim took the lead.

  “Khun Simon. We ask Pom to bring you here because we want to ask you something important.”

  “Ask me what?”

  “OK. I just say. Do you like Pom?”

  “Yes, of course. I really like Pom.”

  “Do you like me?”

  “Yes. You seem very nice.”

  “I not real lady. I lady boy.”

  “Yes I know.”

  “But you still like me?”

  “Yes.”

  Tim looked around the group of girls and nodded to each one in turn. As far as she was concerned, it was point proved and case closed. There was a few moments silence before one of the others spoke up.

  “Khun Simon. What Tim mean is, do you like man or lady boy or real lady?”

  “I like everybody. If they are a nice person then they are a nice person and it doesn’t matter to me who or what they are.”

  Tim put a consoling hand on Pom’s shoulder.

  “Khun Simon. You like to boom boom with man and lady same same?”

  “No! Good God no! Why did you ask me a question like that?”

  Simon could feel his face burning red with embarrassment.

  “We just want to know if you love lady or love man.”

  “Well, I haven’t got a girlfriend, but if I wanted a girlfriend it would most definitely be a woman. I like all people, but I would only ever sleep with a lady.”

  Suddenly it was s
miles all around, except for Simon, who was feeling very uncomfortable and confused. He picked up his glass of water and drank it back in one go.

  “Pom, why did you bring me here? I don’t understand what is going on, or why your friends are being so rude to me.”

  “We not mean to be rude,” said Tim. “We just want to know if you are gay, because my friend Pom like you too much and you not want her to be your girlfriend. She very beautiful. Why you not like she?”

  “I do like she - I mean her, I mean Pom. I like Pom very much. She is very beautiful and I like her very much.”

  “Why you not ask her out?”

  “I didn’t know that Pom liked me. I didn’t think someone like Pom would like someone like me.”

  “I like you very much,” said Pom, in a quiet voice.

  “I like you very much too. Would you like to go out with me sometime?”

  “I would like very much.”

  The other girls all started clapping and suddenly the atmosphere was a relaxed and happy one. Simon and Pom both had a lot to say to each other, but not now. In front of her friends was not the time or place.

  “Simon. This weekend is a big Buddha day. I want to go home to see my mama. Would you like to come with me? I show you something about Thailand.”

  “I’d love to go with you. Where are we going?”

  “My mama live Khon Kaen. We can go on bus.”

  “I’ll hire a car Pom and we can drive up.”

  “Oh! Very long way for driving. About five or six or ten hour.”

  “That’s OK. We can set out after work on Friday afternoon.”

  Pom translated everything for her friends and they all started clapping again. Simon smiled and Pom smiled. Then they looked and smiled at each other.

  Sloany’s mobile phone started to ring and vibrate in his back pocket. He pulled the tea towel off his shoulder and wiped his bald head with one hand and retrieved the mobile with the other.

  “Hello.” His voice was loud and everyone in the bar could hear the conversation.

  “Oh! Hi Eric. What! Oh, sorry about that mate……”

  “That’s another collection coming up,” whispered John, as he placed his double-six onto the end of the one-six that Norris had just played.

  “I’ll tell you what Eric, I’ll come and see you. No. I’m coming now.”

  Sloany closed the phone and shouted to Tuk that he was going out. He took one of the sets of motorbike keys from off the pegs behind the bar and walked out onto the Soi. He started up a bike.

  “I’m everyone’s problem solver, me! I’m too kind for my own good. That’s my problem!”

  The domino players all looked at him, but nobody said anything and he drove off. Eric’s bar was only five minutes away, so five minutes later Sloany pulled up outside The Dirty Duck Bar. The sign above the bar was a cartoon of a sexy looking oriental female duck being taken from behind by a fat and balding Drake, who had a cigar in its beak, a bottle of beer in its wing and was wearing an ‘I love Pattaya’ tee shirt.

  Sloany walked into the bar. Three bar girls were lying around on chairs and one of them was actually asleep on a table. They were tired and listless, but it was only still afternoon. Eric was perched on a stool at the bar. He had a cup of tea and a pint of draught beer on the counter in front of him. A cigarette was burnt half-way down and wedged in one of the grooves of a thick glass ashtray, next to an open laptop.

  “Hello Sloany.” Eric offered a hand of nicotine stained fingers and Sloany shook it.

  “So, what’s happened Eric?”

  “I’m booked into a hotel in Phuket for four nights from this Saturday. I was going down to visit a girl I’ve seen before. But I just found out that her German husband has just arrived, so I can’t go down now. The hotel is booked and paid for. It’s cost me four hundred quid - 5,000 baht a night.”

  Eric turned the laptop around so that Sloany could see the screen.

  “The Holiday Inn Resort, Phuket. It’s right on Patong beach. I booked it through Agoda. I was wondering if you would be interested in buying it off me!”

  “It’s booked in your name, Eric?”

  “Yes mate.”

  “I’m guessing with your passport details?”

  “Yes mate.”

  “And, if it’s with Agoda, then I’m guessing it’s not transferable?”

  “Well, that is what it says on the booking form.”

  “That’s no good to anyone Eric. You have to show your passport when you check in. Not just give them the booking form.”

  “Mate, I’m an old fat and bald farang. We all look the same to the Thais. They won’t be checking the passport, just photocopying it for their own records. I’ll lend you my passport so you, or whoever, can use it to check in.”

  “How much do you want for it?”

  “Like I said, it cost me four hundred pounds. I’d like to get back the four hundred, if I can.”

  “Not from me you can’t. It’s second hand, Eric.”

  “Well, make me an offer.”

  “No. You make me an offer. You are the one who is trying to off load a dodgy holiday.”

  “Okay. What about £200? That’s half price.”

  “No chance Eric. I could never sell this on. If someone got caught trying to book into a hotel on your passport, they would end up in prison until the British Embassy sorted it out.”

  “They could fly down on their own passport and just use mine to check into the hotel. It’s got four swimming pools. A proper Five Star job!”

  “It’s still illegal, Eric. If I got dragged into it I could lose everything. I’ve got a reputation to uphold. I’m a respected businessman in Thailand.”

  “Yes, I know that Sloany. What about £100?”

  “What!” Sloany boomed out one of his extra loud laughs. “You haven’t even given me a beer yet and you are trying to rob me blind.”

  “Sorry, Sloany. Leo OK?”

  Sloany nodded and Eric pulled a bottle of Leo beer from the iced cool box that sat at the end of the bar. He pulled the cap, pushed the bottle into a thick foam bottle condom and handed it to Sloany.

  “Cheers, Eric.”

  “Cheers, Sloany.”

  “Look Eric, you know me. I hate seeing anyone in a situation. I don’t think I’ll be able to use this, but I’ll give you £50 out of the kindness of my heart. Just to help a mate out.”

  “Oh thanks, Sloany. That’s better than nothing. You are a pal Sloany.”

  “I’m not one to leave a friend in need, Eric. You know me. It’s part of my SAS training. We look after our mates. If you were shot and badly injured in the desert, I’d be the one carrying you back to base - shooting my way out of trouble. You know that Eric.”

  “Yes. I know you would Sloany.”

  Sloany handed over 2,500 baht.

  He finished his beer, collected the Agoda booking form and Eric’s passport before leaving. Five minutes later he was back in The Sloan Square Bar. He went straight into the back of the bar and started up his laptop. A few minutes later he was carrying the laptop to the domino table. He placed it down on the table stopping the game. Terry, John, Norris and Taff just looked at him. Taff was one of the regulars in the bar, but only a part time domino player. His real name was David Jones. He was a proud Welshman, with the strongest Welsh accent that anyone had ever heard. He sounded like Tom Jones when he sang, which was frequently after he’d had a few drinks. This in turn led to Sloany telling everyone that Taff was Tom Jones’s cousin. For a long time Taff denied it, because it simply wasn’t true, but Sloany said it so much that now he just ignored it whenever he heard Sloany telling people that Tom Jones’s cousin was in the bar. This was Pattaya, where even the most incredible things become credible.

 
“Have a look at this, boys.”

  “What is it?”

  “Have a look.”

  Terry pushed his glasses further up along the bridge of his nose with a straight index finger and pursed his lips while he considered it.

  “I can see what it is. A Five Star hotel in Phuket.”

  “How much a night is it Terry?”

  “Well, it says here that it’s 5,000 baht a night.”

  “So four nights would be how much?”

  “Well, 20,000 baht. What is this - a quiz?”

  “Sort of Terry. So 20,000 baht, in real money, is how much?”

  “It’s about £400.”

  “Correct.”

  “So what has that got to do with anything?”

  “I’ve got a booking voucher here for four nights at this hotel starting this Saturday. I’m putting it up as a domino prize. The winner gets a four day holiday in Phuket. You have to pay for your own travel down there of course.”

  “What’s the catch? FUCK SHIT, BOLLOCKS”

  “There is no catch, John.” Sloany unfolded the Agoda booking form and held it up to show everyone. “I’m putting this fantastic hotel up as a prize in a domino game today. The winner is away on the holiday of a lifetime, courtesy of The Sloan Square Bar. I look after my customers, you know that Terry.”

  “Who is Eric Trousden?” asked Terry.

  “Eric?”

  “The name on that booking form is Eric Trousden.”

  “He is a friend of a friend. He has had some bad luck. He booked the holiday, but his daughter got run over by a bus yesterday. She is in a bad way in hospital, so Eric is staying with his daughter at the hospital.”

  “I’m surprised that you aren’t having a collection for him!”

  “Well, to be truthful Taff, I have just paid the face value for this hotel booking, just to help the bloke out. I would normally arrange a collection, but I am very aware of how much I put on you lot over a year for charity collections. I can’t expect everyone to be as generous as me. I do it out of the goodness of my heart, but not everyone is the same. So I’m not having a collection. I’ve just given him 20,000 baht. I can’t use the holiday. I’ve got to run the bar. So I’m donating this as a prize to the winner of today’s domino competition.”