Living The Dream

by Guy Lilburne

  Tuesday nights were the same as every other night in Pattaya. If there was something different about a particular night it was usually because Sloany made something happen. This Tuesday night was going to be different!

  Sloany was standing behind the bar with his mobile pressed against his ear and wiping his head with his tea towel. It was a private conversation but, as usual, he spoke loudly so everyone in the bar could hear.

  “You are joking! We’d be up for that. Are you sure it’s a definite? How much? OK Walter, I’ll come and see you now.”

  Sloany shouted to Tuk that he was going out. He jumped on one of the motorbikes lined up outside and rode off. The others shrugged their shoulders and carried on playing dominos. An hour later Sloany was back.

  “How do you lot want to make some money tonight?”

  “Why?” Terry pushed his glasses up along his nose and waited for one of Sloany’s stories.

  “It’s a dead cert. There is a quiz tonight to mark the re-opening of one of the bars and there is a 10,000 baht prize for the winning team.”

  “So?”

  “It’s teams of five. That’s 2,000 baht each.”

  “We might not win, Sloany!”

  “Oh, we will! I’ve got a copy of all the questions and answers. We can’t lose.”

  “How did you get that?”

  “I’ve got my sources. You know me! I have just paid 1000 baht for a copy of the questions and answers. That‘s my treat for you boys.”

  “How much is it to enter?”

  “It’s free to enter. It’s a special event to mark the re-opening.”

  “What’s the catch?”

  “No catch. We just have to be there at 7 pm tonight.”

  “Be where?”

  “The Panorama Pub.”

  “That’s in Boyztown, isn’t it? That’s a gay bar Sloany. I’m surprised you want to go there, seeing how much you hate them.”

  “Well, it’s not a gay bar tonight. They’re having a quiz. Look, if you don’t want to come I’ll find some others to make up a team and I’ll keep all the winnings.”

  Now Terry needed every baht he could get hold of and competing in a quiz night didn’t sound too bad.

  “Actually, I need the money, so I’m up for it. Do you all see where I’m coming from?”

  “I’m in, but I don’t want to sit with any gay blokes. FUCK WANKER.”

  “What the hell!” Simon could already see another story on his radio program.

  “I don’t know ’ow much ’elp I’ll be, but I’m in.”

  “Make sure that you are all there at 7 pm. I’ll go before you lot and make sure our team is registered and we have a table. The quiz starts at 8 pm sharp.”

  Boyztown was busy. There were a lot of balloons outside the Panorama Pub - a lot of flashing lights and a lot of loud music. ‘The Only Way is Up’ by Yazz boomed out from speakers outside The Panorama Pub.

  “I like this song,” said Norris, as he started singing along.

  There were some photographers from a local magazine and a couple of newspapers. They were taking photos of people around the bar. A lot of males were in drag and younger men danced around bare chested, wearing tiny gold coloured hot pants.

  “I thought Sloany said it wasn’t going to be gay tonight!”

  “He did.”

  The four of them walked into the bar to meet Sloany. The bar was big and looked more like a night club.

  A big man in drag with lots of make-up and a long dark wig stood in front of them. He wasn’t a pretty drag queen.

  “Sorry about this, boys. I didn’t know it was going to be like this.”

  It took them several moments to realize that the drag queen in front of them was Sloany.

  “Bloody hell!” Terry burst out laughing.

  “I didn’t know that the teams had to dress up in drag, but it’s 10,000 baht in the bank. Come on. There’s a room where some lady boys will dress you up.”

  “You want us all to wear frocks?”

  “You have to. I didn’t know Norris. I’m sorry, but you are all here now.”

  “Well, you have spent a lot of time getting made up.”

  “I was here early, wasn’t I. Believe me, I hate it more than you lot, but we might as well do it now. Come with me.”

  They followed Sloany to a back room where several lady boys were dressing men in dresses and putting on make-up for them. A lot of the quiz contestants were arriving already dressed up and had taken a lot of time and trouble in their efforts. The Domino Crew was dressed up, had make-up applied and finished off with wigs of varying quality.

  “The things we do for you, Sloany,” sighed Simon.

  “Shut up you. I’m doing it for you lot. Anyway, you look good as a lady. Simone!” Sloany boomed out an extra loud laugh. The team was shown to their table by one of the gay boys in hot pants. The quiz got underway on time and Sloany had a fool proof strategy. He suggested that they got a few of the questions wrong so as not to raise suspicion. It seemed like a good idea. The team grew in confidence as the questions matched the ones supplied to Sloany. It seemed that the money was as good as theirs. The evening was bright and loud. It was entertaining and the quiz master was very funny - funnier than you would expect a big Geordie lad in a dress to be. It all went to plan. Some of the questions had been difficult and quite obscure, but the team submitted their answers, confident that they were going to win with a score of 47/50.

  The answer sheets were collected and checked, while the Geordie told some jokes and sang two Shirley Bassey songs. The questions were then repeated and the answers given out before the result was announced.

  It was a draw. Two teams had tied on a score of 47 out of 50.

  “The cheating bastards,” said Sloany. They must have paid for the answers off Walter too. I’ll kill that big poof when I see him.”

  The Geordie, who told everyone his name was Monica, announced that there would be a tie break question and the first team to shout out the answer would be the winners.

  “Have you got the tie break questions?”

  “Of course I have.”

  The audience hushed. There was an air of tension. It had been a close competition and now everyone wanted to see who the winning team would be.

  Monica cleared his throat.

  “Ok, ready. Here we go with the tie break question.” He paused again to build the tension even more.

  “Who……….”

  “WINSTON CHURCHILL,” shouted Sloany.

  “Correct. We have the winners,” announced Monica. “I’ll complete the question for the rest of you. Who said ‘If you are going through hell, keep going.’?”

  There was a lot of applause, but the other finalists marched over in their high heels and long evening gowns to confront Sloany. They accused him of cheating, but they couldn’t really say much, because they had cheated too. Some words and insults were exchanged. The other team accused the Domino Team of not really being gay.

  “We fucking are,” said Sloany in their defense. The prize money of 10,000 baht was paid. The boys got changed and went on a bar crawl around the city. They ended up along Soi Buakaow sitting in a lady boy bar called Sensations. They were all drunk and it was going to be the last bar of the night. It was Sloany who wanted to go into the bar. He said that some bloke owed him some money and he knew that he would be in Sensations Bar, because ‘The dirty bastard liked lady boys’.

  It was actually great fun in the bar. The lady boys were very pretty and had all had breast implants, which they were happy to show off. Everybody was very charming and funny. The owner was called Pang. She told them that she had been on a TV series on Sky TV about lady boys. It was a great bar to end the night. They all drank up, paid their bins and said their
goodbyes.

  “I’ll see you lot tomorrow. I’ve still got a bit to drink yet and you know me, I don’t like to rush it.” Sloany rubbed his huge expanse of stomach in a way to suggest that if he quickly downed a drink it might cause unknown damage to his delicate digestive system.

  The other four walked off down the Soi and left Sloany sitting in the bar. It had been a good night and they had all made 2000 baht.

  The next morning they gathered at The Sloan Square Bar as usual. As usual Simon was the only one absent, because he was doing his radio show. Tuk seemed in a very bad mood and their plates of food were slammed down on the table in front of them. They all liked Tuk and they all asked her what was wrong, but she insisted that nothing was wrong. The look on her face told a different story.

  “Where is Sloany?” asked John.

  “I not know. I not care. He bullshit me too much. He think I stupid.”

  “Did he not come home last night?”

  “Yes. He come home and I see his neck and chest today.” Tuk did a kissing sucking motion with her mouth and a pecking motion with her hand.

  “He knob head. I kick his ass out for go shopping. Food for kitchen.”

  Tuk turned away without her usual smile and stormed off into the kitchen.

  “Oh dear! What has he been up to this time?” asked John.

  “We’ll soon find out.” Terry nodded towards the Soi. Sloany had just pulled up on a motorbike. He and the bike were fully laden with Big C carrier bags. It had been a big shop that Tuk had sent him on. They all knew that he was in the doghouse, because the only time he ever did the shopping was when he was in Tuk’s bad books. He only nodded to the watching gang as he made several trips from the bike to the kitchen carrying bags. Nobody said anything, but Sloany knew that they would be waiting for some kind of explanation. After his last trip to the kitchen he went behind the bar and wiped his sweating head with a tea towel, which he then tossed over his shoulder. He went over to the domino table and they could see for the first time that his neck and chest were covered in love bites.

  “Bloody ’ell Sloany!”

  “Don’t start Norris. I got into a fight last night.”

  “A love biting fight?” laughed Terry.

  “You laugh Terry, but that’s what Tuk thinks they are. Love bites.”

  “I’ll put you straight. They are love bites. Make no mistake about that and I mean that most sincerely.”

  “They aren’t love bites Terry. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell Tuk.”

  “What are they then?”

  “I told you! I got into a fight. They are bruises.”

  “I don’t think so!”

  “I’m telling you. I think those drag queens that we fell out with in the Panorama Pub must have followed us last night and, when you lot left me on my own, they started on me when I left the lady boy bar. There were three or four of them.”

  “And you’re trying to tell me that those love bites are bruises from a fight?”

  “They are Terry. You know how these drag queens fight. They don’t punch. They pinch and when there are three or four of them pinching you it hurts. It’s not easy to fight back.”

  “So did you pinch them back?”

  “No, they fight by their rules and I fight by mine. I knocked all of them out and came home. I told Tuk all about it this morning, but for some reason, she doesn’t believe me.”

  Everyone, except Sloany, started laughing.

  “Well, you lot laugh, but it’s true. I’m a victim here of a vicious drag queen attack and I’ve got the bruises to prove it.”

  The relationship between Simon and Pom was getting stronger by the day. They were in love with each other. The next day after the radio show Simon and Pom kissed and hugged as usual.

  “Tee rak, I really love you. I want to get married and have a baby. What do you think?”

  “I love the idea. I’d love to marry you Pom and I’d love to have a baby. When do you want to get married?”

  “I not want to wait long time. I think soon.”

  “Let’s go and see the boss and see when we can get the time off then.”

  They knocked on the door of Mark Rodgers - the station owner. After a moment’s pause to be polite, they opened the door and walked into his office. Mark sat behind the desk in an oversized blue and white dress. He had a family sized bucket of KFC on the desk in front of him. He held half a chicken thigh in his hand. The other half of it was in his mouth. He nodded for them to sit down while he finished his mouthful. The penis shaped growth on his forehead bobbed up and down as he nodded.

  “Hi Simon! Hi Pom! What can I do for you? If you want a pay rise, you’ve got it. We are a success my friends.”

  “Actually, we want to get married and soon. We were wondering when we would be able to have some time off for the wedding. Oh! Would you like to come?”

  “I have a great idea!”

  “What’s that?”

  “The station is gaining a big listening audience. I want to raise the profile even more. We can put on a big high-society wedding for you two. We have the TV, magazines and press cover the occasion. Before the actual wedding, we reveal the real identity of the Waiting For God Bar and the characters who you talk about each day. That will peak interest. This way it works for me and it will work for you.”

  “But why?”

  “I’ll be honest with you Simon. We have become a great success and we are eating into the audience of the major English broadcasting radio station - Pattaya People Radio 96FM. I have already had the CEO, Niels Colov, contact me. He wants to buy the station. The more interest we can raise in our radio station, the more it will be worth.”

  “Are you going to sell?”

  “Yes, of course, when the time and money is right. That’s why we need to reveal the true identity of Barry Moan and the rest of these people you talk about. It will peak peoples interest and, with a big wedding on top of that, you are on your way to becoming a star. And I am going to become even richer. It works for both of us Simon.”

  “I’m not sure if I can reveal peoples true identity. I might have hurt more than their feelings.”

  “Well, think about it. But the High Society Wedding is still on. You and Pom just pick the venue and the date and I’ll take care of everything else. I have a whole list of celebrities I need to invite. Pom, you need to start looking at wedding dresses and flowers and all that stuff. I suggest you hire a wedding coordinator. Spare no expense. Pattaya 205FM is paying for everything. This is going to be the biggest wedding of the year.”

  Pom clapped her hands and squealed, but Simon sat thoughtful.

  “Just think about it Simon.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  They left the radio station and went to eat at The Moonlight Restaurant.

  It was a romantic fine dining experience in Jomtien Beach. Pom loved the restaurant, because it was small and cozy. And the food was always fantastic. They went there because they had to talk. Mark Rodgers had offered them a very exciting opportunity. The wedding of their dreams and all expenses paid. Pom didn’t think that there was anything to think about! She said that she and her friends could spend time with a good wedding planner and sort everything out. She told Simon that he wouldn’t have to do anything. She already knew that the wedding would be perfect. Simon just needed some thinking time. He wasn’t concerned that Mark Rodgers was going to sell the station. It was Pom and himself who had made it a success and he was confident that he would be kept on when the new owners finally acquired Pattaya 205FM. He wasn’t concerned about his wedding being a media circus. He had tasted fame in the UK and he liked it. If he and Pom were going to get a high society wedding and it was all going to be paid for, then that was great! What was concerning him were his friends at The Sloan Square Bar.
He had told many of their secrets and short comings over the radio. He had made them a laughing stock. They wouldn’t be happy if everyone knew that they were the real people he talked about on his show. Mark Rodgers had already asked him to reveal their identity. With a big society wedding and all the media attention; it might come to light anyway. He sat opposite the beautiful Pom and smiled and nodded as she spoke. But he didn’t hear what she was saying. He had too much on his mind and his mind was spinning. He just couldn’t decide what to do for the best!

  Sloany was on his best behaviour all week, but Tuk wasn’t going to be in a hurry to let him off the hook. She had him doing all the jobs that he hated - including DIY jobs that he had been promising to do for years.

  The others sat in the bar playing dominos and applying their combined intellect and intelligence to solve all the worlds issues. They had already decided what to do about Islamic extremists, illegal immigrants, the England football team, unemployment and many other pressing issues. This day they were discussing why going into Thai bars had lost its charm.

  “I’ll put you right! It’s mobile phones that ruined the bar scene in Pattaya and I mean that most sincerely.”

  “’Ow do you mean?”

  “Well, years ago, there were no mobile phones. You walked into any bar and there were half a dozen Thai girls sitting around just waiting for customers. They only had Connect Four and Jackpot to play.”

  “And Jenga. FUCK BIG TITS.”

  “Yes John, and Jenga. The point is they loved it when a potential customer walked past. They would all make a fuss and try to get you in the bar. Then they would all flirt with you. It was their entertainment and, if they did a good job, they knew you’d buy them a drink. They never ever asked you to buy them a drink. It was always your choice to make the offer. If they were funny and charming, then you always did. If they were really lovely, you’d take them out the bar and give them a good seeing to. Bar girls these days have lost all these skills. They sit at the bar and each and every one of them is on the internet on their mobiles - either playing games or sorting out a meeting with some farang on a dating site. They don’t even notice you when you walk in a bar anymore. They make no fuss. They just don’t care and you have to say ‘Excuse me, can I have a drink?’ Then they look at you as if you have just had a shit and used their pet puppy to wipe your arse. Because you interrupted them. They give you a drink and say ‘You buy drink for me? ‘You say no and that’s the end of the chat. They go back to playing on the phone and ignoring you. I didn’t come to Thailand to be ignored by beautiful women. I could have stayed in England for that. Do you see where I’m coming from?”