Wait for Me

by Shannon Alexander

  And there is no point in arguing with her on that. Because deep down, I know that Tyler is a good guy, he was shot trying to save the life of his best friend. He is good and maybe I am being too harsh on him, but I still feel like part of my heart is broken from when he walked out of my life 3 years ago. I still feel the splinters reopen slightly each time I see his face.

  However it doesn’t matter here my feelings mean nothing. Tyler is here and he wants to get to know our son. I have to find a way to make that work.

  Stacy and I sit down, watching a random chick flick we found on Netflix when there is a light knock on the door.

  Mom comes walking in, Elizabeth is laying across her shoulder, and a burp cloth is draped over her shoulder. The baby looks at complete peace.

  “Thank God.” Stacy sighs “I haven’t been able to get her to sleep in so long, she’s been going through some crazy phase where she doesn’t want to sleep. I think she just hates me.”

  Mom lays the baby in the car seat that is sitting beside my bed. Covering the tiny girl in a soft pink blanket that she knitted her a few weeks ago. “Nonsense Stacy, babies sometimes just cry, but I think this one might be picking up on your stress. Try and take a deep breath when she starts to fuss, try to sing softly to her and gently rock her back and forth holding her tight. You’ll see, eventually she will feel you relax and she’ll calm too. I had one just like her years ago.” Mom nods in my direction

  I scoff at the idea that I was anything less than the world’s most amazing baby.

  “I wanted to talk to you Alyssa.” Mom seems nervous

  “Of course.” I reply

  “Tyler is asking to see you. He’s downstairs in the den. Dad and I were just about to run out to Fredrick’s to grab some dinner, we will be back shortly, and it will give you both some time to talk.”

  She sits down on the bed beside me, sitting very close. The way she always does when she wants to provide comfort.

  Stacy gets up and heads into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and turning the water on.

  “I love you Alyssa, you know that don’t you?” My mom asks

  “Of course I know that mom.” I reply

  “This isn’t to hurt you baby, I honestly want what is best for you and Evan, I just feel like Tyler needed the help and you needed a way to introduce him to Evan on common ground.”

  I watch her mouth as she is talking. Trying to not cry like a child and stomp my foot, begging her to reconsider her decision on letting the former love of my life live under the same roof as us, as if the past 3 years had never occurred.

  “Did you know that he planned on asking you to marry him?”

  I gasp “no! When?”

  “When you were in New York, that first time before we found out that you were pregnant with Evan. He was on Skype with Matt and Dad, he asked them both if they would be okay with him asking.”

  “But we had just been together that one time, I don’t understand why he would do that.”

  Mom brushes the back of my hair with her hands. “Alyssa, Tyler has always been in love with you, just as you have always been in love with him. The time away was very hard for him, I think he tried to come back a few times, only to be reminded that he signed a contract. Dad and I reminded him why he joined the Navy. He wanted to better his life, he wanted to have a way to provide you with the best life possible, so he stayed and he swore that when he came home he was going to propose. Dad, Matt and I were over the moon. Then you found out that you were pregnant and everything fell apart. The emails went out, he stopped responding. Dad and I were so angry with him, we couldn’t believe that he would go through the trouble of asking for permisson, only to bail when you ended up pregnant. It wasn’t the kind of man we thought he was. And then when he came back for your graduation we found out more of the story, all of it is information that Tyler needs to share with you. My point though, is that I do love you, and Daddy loves you, Matt loves you, but Tyler worships you, he always has. You are the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. You need to find a way to talk to him, find a way to get everything out in the open, for you, for Evan and for Tyler.”

  I sit motionless digesting all the information. I feel the tears cascading down my cheek, before plopping onto my slice of uneaten pizza.

  “Heath wants to get married as soon as possible, we are going to the courthouse, and I told you and Matt both this.”

  Mom nods “you did, but I will tell you something, and this has nothing to do with Heath, I like Heath, in fact in any other situation he would be a mother’s dream for her daughter, once you hear what Tyler has to say, once you get the entire story, I think you will change your mind about just who you marry.”

  She doesn’t say any more. She just kisses my temple and stands up to walk out the door, stopping in the doorway, turning back to face me. “I want you to promise me, that you won’t make any decisions until you sit down with Tyler and talk it all out, and until you can honestly say that you are no longer in love with him, that you don’t feel that he is who you are meant to be with.”

  “Mom, I’m not even the same person that I was 3 years ago.”

  “No, you are not. And neither is he, you are both wiser, you have both been tested by life’s lessons and you have both made it out on the other side, stronger and wiser for it all. In all that time though, who you both truly are has never changed. I have seen the old Alyssa come back in pieces the last few months. The one who laughs and tells jokes, the one who wants to curl up on my lap and watch movies with pizza on Wednesday nights, you are still in there, and you just need to remove all that protective gear you are wearing over your heart.”

  I laugh at the thought “I wouldn’t even know how to do that, this is who I am. I am not a bad person mom, you make it sound like I turned into an Ice Bitch.”

  Mom laughs, but quickly scowls at me for my use of language. “No, you are anything but an Ice Bitch and the key to removing all the negative feelings you hold onto, the ones that have weighted you down, is sitting right downstairs in the living room, nervous as anything to talk to you. I have to go, your Dad is waiting for me in the car, go down and talk to him, I’ll see you when I get home.”

  And with that she is gone.

  Stacy comes out of the bathroom to find me sitting on my bed, facing the door. Unsure of what to do.

  “You need to go down there and talk to him, Alyssa. You need to find out what it is he needs you to know. It will either change everything, or change nothing but either way you owe it to yourself to find out.”

  “You’re right, I just don’t know if I can handle anymore disappointment Stacy, I really just don’t think I can.”

  She laughs lightly “You are talking to the girl who married a drug addict who tried to have her killed for insurance money, I know all about too much disappointment, but Tyler loves you, or loved you and he has information he wants to share with you. It might change nothing at all. Hell you could call me back tonight and decide that you want to plan your wedding with Heath right now, and I’ll be there to do that with you, but you need all of what he has to offer you right now before you can even think about a future with anyone else.”

  She inhales a slice of pizza, buckles in the baby and kisses Evan gently goodnight before she heads out. I send a quick good night text to Heath, that way he won’t call me while I am talking to Tyler. Not that I don’t want to talk to Heath, I just know I am going to need a moment to sort everything out once I do. I walk out behind her, shutting my bedroom door behind me, grabbing the baby monitor off the hallway table.

  We have exactly 12 steps between the upstairs and the downstairs. 12 steps that until today felt like 5. Tonight, they feel like a grand staircase, standing between someone I once loved and his truths and what is left of my heart. 12 steps between me, and my emotional freedom.

  Chapter thirty-two

  A year after Tyler came into our lives, our family faced a devastating loss.

  My Grandmother,
‘Grammy’ as we called her, had a stroke. In fact, it wasn’t just one stroke. It was a series of horrible health complications that completely exhausted my mom and her dad.

  I remember shortly after meeting Tyler, and realizing that I loved him in my 8 year old way, climbing up into her bed and snuggling down into the blankets to get as close to her as possible. She turned off her reruns of ‘The Twilight Zone’ and gave me her full attention.

  “What’s the matter my little bean?”

  I cringed at the nickname she had called me for as long as I could remember. “Why do you call me that, Grammy? I’m not a baby anymore!”

  She laughed gently and kissed my forehead. “No, no you most certainly are no longer a baby, but you will always be my little bean.”

  I scoffed at her “I don’t even know what it means.”

  “Well, it means I see you as a little bean, who one day will grow up and turn into something beautiful and wonderful. You are tiny now, but you are destined for the greatest of life’s filled with love and happiness. I know these things.”

  I smiled at her response. “Do you think Tyler will ever love me?”

  She pulled her head back to look into my eyes. “I don’t know that, but if he is a smart boy, and if he follows his own heart, I think he will love you very much. Fate brings people into our lives for a reason, and I think there is a reason Tyler was brought to you all.”

  It confused me slightly, at 9 I didn’t really understand fate, and I wanted instant results. I wanted Tyler to barge through the tiny kitchen and blow open her bedroom door, hand me a stack of dandelions and confess his love.

  “What if he doesn’t ever love me, what do I do then?” I asked her

  “Well, in that case, you live for you and no one else. But I want you to promise me, that no matter who you love when you grow up, and who loves you, you listen to your heart. It will always lead you in the right direction, can you do that for me?”

  “I can Grammy.”

  I tuck my head under her neck and breathe in her scent. She always smelled of baby powder and Ricola cough drops. Her skin was always soft. Her hands rubbing the side of my cheeks in a soothing manner, the way she always did.

  “You are the greatest gift God has ever given me, you know that right?” She whispers into my hair.

  “Mmmhmm” I reply, drifting off to sleep.

  “Whatever boy is lucky enough to win your heart, will treat you like you are the stars in his sky, anything less will be a waste of time, and you will his entire reason for being. I just know it.”

  Later that night, when I was in the swimming pool playing Marco Polo with Tyler and Matt, I heard mom screech through the screen door that lead to the kitchen.

  Matt jumped out of the pool, grabbing a towel on his way to see what had happened.

  I stood stone still, unable to move, knowing in my heart that something was very wrong.

  I felt Tyler swim beside me and take my hand tightly into his. We stood side by side in the cool water, the outdoor lamp that lit our backyard shining brightly beside us.

  Matt came back out, seconds later. His face pale he looks at me and says gently “Grammy just had a stroke, she’s on her way to the hospital.”

  I don’t cry.

  A few days later the doctor’s release her from the hospital. Tyler and I ride our bikes over to see her. I sit in the living room when he goes in to talk to her. Grampy hands me a plate of toast. The man could make toast taste like heaven.

  He doesn’t have to say anything. He just sits beside me on the couch, turning on one of his favorite Western movies with John Wayne.

  2 weeks later, she has another stroke.

  She returns home again.

  And then another stroke. Each time Tyler rides with me to see her. She can’t walk well on her own. She has a nurse come in to help her with her physical therapy. I realize just how bad off she is, when they have to teach her the alphabet sounds, because she forgot how to talk.

  When she has another stroke, Mom and Grampy decide to keep her in a nursing home. It’s what is best for her, Grampy can’t take care of her at the house.

  Our entire family along with Tyler visit her. But for some reason, I am never able to go into her room.

  Grampy tries to tell me that she wants to see me, but I know that she can’t talk, I know that she doesn’t look like the woman who would spend hours watching cartoons with me. Who kept every finger painting I ever created in preschool and hung them proudly on her bedroom wall. Who would do puzzles with me, and set me up in a tiny little “office” filled with pencils and pads of paper and a lantern flashlight so I could pretend to be a real writer sitting in my office.

  Maybe it was me being selfish, but I felt scared to see her. I felt like if I went in there, and saw that she was close to dying that it would make it all real.

  Mom tried to convince me.

  Matt tried to bully me “she is going to die, you need to go in there.”

  Dad tried to bribe me “How about after you go in, we head to your favorite Ice Cream shop?”

  But it was Tyler Pierce, the 11 year old boy who hadn’t known my grandmother for his entire life, who sat by my side, holding my hand and crying with me who said “I’ll go in with you, we can be strong together.” That finally got me to go in.

  Grampy stood at the bottom of her bed, I noticed him right away.

  Mom and dad, side by side were across the room, giving Tyler and I plenty of room to enter.

  And there she was, her black hair with streaks of silver was down. She never wore her hair down.

  Her hospital gown was showing slightly beneath the white blanket that was tucked up under her arms.

  Her left arm was covered, but her hand showed slightly, she had a black glove on. On only one hand. Mom explained in my ear what it was for, but I couldn’t hear her words.

  All I could focus on, was the woman who I loved more than anything, who could no longer speak, could no longer walk, she was a shell of the person I remembered.

  But the entire time I was there, while everyone around us was talking. Her eyes were on me. Like she knew that I was scared, and even though she probably wasn’t thinking coherent thoughts, she was trying to tell me it was okay. With just a look.

  She died a few days later. The nurse called Grampy to tell her, she had passed sometime in the night.

  I cried. I screamed. No one could comfort me. I didn’t want anyone.

  I sat outside on our patio table looking up at the stars. There was billions of them up there, burning bright as could be.

  I tried to talk to her. I asked her why she left me all alone, why she didn’t fight to get better.

  Mom tried to get me to come inside and eat.

  Dad tried to get me to go with him to pick out a puppy.

  Matt cried and tried to hug me, and when I pushed him away reminded me that I wasn’t the only one who lost her.

  But it was Tyler, the 11 year old boy who didn’t have her as long as the rest of us, who cried right beside me and never said a word other than “She asked me to take care of you for her. That’s what I am going to do, I will always be here for you Lyss.” And he held my hand and he never let go.

  Until he deployed for the Navy and no longer felt like he had to hold my hand.

  Chapter thirty- three

  “I didn’t think you would come down.” The thick familiar voice breaks me from my memories.

  Tyler is sitting on the couch, his wheel chair is folded on the other side. He’s watching ESPN, something about baseball.

  “I almost didn’t. I still don’t know what I am doing down here,”

  “I thought we could talk, there are a lot of things we need to get down, and we both have a lot of information to share.”

  He sounds sad, but annoyed at the same time.

  “I don’t know why you are mad at me, I didn’t do anything wrong here Tyler.” I plop down into my dad’s lazy boy chair across from where Tyler is sitting.

&
nbsp; “There is a little boy upstairs who shares half of my DNA, who until this morning I didn’t even know existed, we can start there.”

  “What do you want to know?” I ask

  “Well, for starters when did you find out you were pregnant?”

  I pull the wooden lever on the side of the chair, causing my chair to lean backwards. Tucking my feet beneath me in a comfort position. Dad has always teased me about sitting in a recliner with my feet tucked in a crisscross position, but I like it.

  “When you left, I kind of fell apart. I spent years with this silly fascination that you and I were meant to be together. I created all these scenarios in my mind. You and I would get together and be married right away. We would have lots and lots of babies and build a house on the back of Mom and Dad’s land and live happily ever after.

  That night, when you told me that you were in love with me, that you had always been in love with me, I felt like a part of my soul finally clicked together, that our souls finally clicked. You and I would be together. It was finally happening. And then we had sex and you just blurted out that you were leaving. I knew then, that what had happened with us didn’t mean as much to you as it did to me.”

  He opens his mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand to stop him “you are going to hear all of this, and not say a word. You asked, I am telling you.”

  “Anyway, I came home that night and cried my heart out to Mom. She told me that you would find a way for us to be together, she reminded me what I already knew –you needed to do what you felt was best for your future, and I knew that. Deep down, I did know that. It wasn’t me being selfish, I just wanted you, I had spent the last however many years head over heels in love with you, I finally get you and in under 2 hours you are gone.”

  “Maureen is a woman Dad knows from wherever, she is the one who offered me the intern position. The idea originally was to spend the summer in New York, but things changed and she no longer had the time to do a full summer position, instead she offered me a month long internship starting ASAP. I packed up and headed straight there. I thought a month away from Georgia, from this house, from Sandersville would ease my broken heart. I emailed you, and received no responses, and I knew that was because you were in basic training, and to be perfectly honest at the time I felt like not hearing from you would make it easier to be away.