Taming the Hot-Shot Doc
Page 14
She returned his kiss.
He tenderly made love to her, trying to express all his emotions, including his fears. Was he wrong to suggest they might continue a long-distance relationship? Was he thinking more about what he wanted than what Shay needed? He had no plans to offer her forever and if he hung around, she’d never find that person she deserved. It was past time he thought of others’ feelings instead of just his.
With Shay, could he be repeating his past mistakes? Jenna had seen their relationship had turned one-sided. Would Shay soon realize that as well? He couldn’t have her think of him as Jenna and his family did. It was important Shay remembered him well.
During the night Shay woke him. This time she showered him with attention. It was as if they were both trying to take and hold tight to all they could for the days ahead. He’d wanted to put his imprint on Shay so she would think of him every night. The problem was he feared she’d done the same to him.
He’d made a commitment to the hospital in Chicago. He had to go. For years, he’d studied and worked for an opportunity to join a world-class hospital where he could be a part of advances in medicine. He couldn’t give that up. He had skills that needed to be used to help patients. The adrenaline rush was addictive as well. He’d be lying if he didn’t admit to enjoying the notoriety. He’d made a commitment he needed to keep.
As the sky lightened, he loved Shay again hard and fast.
They were putting the last load of his things in the car when Ms. Gladys walked over in her housecoat with a pie in her hand. Matt placed it carefully in the car. He hugged the older woman—something he would’ve never done a few short weeks before. She returned it. He let her go to find her eyes watery. When had someone last cried for him?
Ms. Gladys said, “You take care of yourself.” She glanced at Shay. “Remember some things are more important than others. Sometimes you just have to figure that out.” With that, she started back to her house.
He and Shay stood there looking at each other. She blinked a number of times, but there were no tears. “I’ll be in touch. Call me anytime.”
Shay just watched him, saying nothing.
“I better get going.” He pulled her into his arms and gave her a gentle kiss.
She clung to him. When he released her, she stepped back, giving him room to get in the car.
Minutes later he drove down the street, fearing he had just left his heart in Shay’s hands with no hope of getting it back.
* * *
Pulling into her garage, Shay turned off the car and closed the large door before she lay her head on the steering wheel and let all the misery she’d been holding in flow out. Matt was gone.
She knew better than most what that meant. Hadn’t she lived this all before?
With no tears left, she headed inside and went through the motions of living. Finally, she gave up. Fully dressed, she crawled under the bedcovers. She pulled Matt’s pillow against her, inhaled deeply and moaned.
She’d brought all this sorrow on herself. Hadn’t she known better than to get involved with Matt? He’d made it clear from the beginning he’d be leaving in a few weeks. That his destiny was elsewhere. His leaving this morning had only proven that. What had made her think he would stay for her? She shouldn’t be acting this way. Yet, here she was wallowing in grief.
She would give herself today to fall apart then she’d move on. Isn’t that what she’d learned to do in the last few weeks? That she needed to move on. Not hang on to what had been. If she saw Matt again great, if not she’d have sweet memories. What she wasn’t going to do was stop living the life she wanted.
Matt called that evening, but he sounded tired and they hadn’t talked long. He called again on Sunday when he’d arrived in Chicago, but he soon ended the call, saying he needed to get ready for the next day. The distancing she’d expected had already started.
Monday morning, she drove into the clinic parking lot after a long, lonely and listess weekend. Matt not being there waiting for her brought more pain, but she refused to let it control her. She had work to do. A clinic to run. People who depended on her.
Matt had gotten past that wall she’d built and made her care for someone again. What she hadn’t anticipated was how hard it would be to let him go. Nothing had come close to this pain before.
At Sheree’s knock on the back door of the clinic, Shay let her in.
Sheree took one look at Shay and pulled her into a tight hug. “Aw, honey, I wanted you to let yourself go but I didn’t want this for you. Still, that man opened you up again. That’s a good thing.”
Shay backed away from her. “Was I really that bad?”
Sheree nodded. “Yeah, you were that bad. Now, let’s go to work and try not to think about how much we all will miss him.”
* * *
Shay didn’t hear from Matt on Monday. She figured that would be the case. He had to have been busy learning his way around the new hospital and meeting people.
Before Matt left, he’d made arrangements for Rick’s transport to Chicago. He and Dr. Roper had agreed Rick needed the advanced care University Hospital could provide for his next surgeries. Rick’s surgery had been scheduled for Wednesday. Shay used checking on Ricky as an excuse to call Matt.
His phone rang a few times before it went to voicemail. She savored hearing his voice even though it was a recording. The next day Sheree said there was a call waiting for Shay from a doctor. She went to an office to take the call. When Shay answered a woman on the line said, “Hold for Dr. Chapman, please.”
Shay’s heart fluttered and her palms turned damp just as they always did in anticipation of talking to Matt.
Seconds later he said, “Shay?”
“Yes.” The word came out as little more than a squeak. She couldn’t believe how nervous she’d become.
“Hey. I’m sorry I didn’t call last night. They have me covered up with surgeries. Rick is doing well. He made the flight fine. We’re going to try a new procedure designed for people with Rick’s injuries. He’ll have another surgery next week. We’re hoping since this is a new procedure there’ll be no charges for the family. We need the practice.”
“That’s all good to hear.” Why did they sound like strangers giving each other reports? “Somebody so young and who makes his living farming needs his legs.”
“They’re really doing great work here, Shay. People like Rick are walking again.”
There was an awkward pause. She wanted to say all the things she’d been thinking and feeling over the last few days, but that wasn’t what Matt needed to hear. He was happy. Excited. That was what she wanted most for him. “It sounds like you’re where you should be. I know you’ll help a lot of people.”
“I hate it, but I’ve got to go. They’re paging me. I’ll call soon.” It was quiet on the line for a moment. “Shay.” His voice had lowered, became intimate. “I miss you.”
Matt disconnected before Shay had a chance to respond. She spoke into the silence. “Take care of yourself. I love you.”
She did. With all her heart.
Over the next two weeks they played phone tag more than spoke to each other. Shay kept busy by redoing her house. She’d hung the curtains in the bedroom. Sacked up the pillows in the living room and donated them to a local charity. She’d even started to remove a wallpaper border in the kitchen to prepare for painting it. Slowly, but surely, she’d started changing her life. She’d taken some suggestion from the garden club about flowers to plant near the front door. The few adjustments she’d made in the house lifted her spirits. Made her feel more in control of her life.
She’d hoped she and Matt could have a long talk on the weekend, but he texted that he’d had an emergency and didn’t know when he would have a chance to call. The next weekend she was busy with a community event she’d volunteered to help at and couldn’t pick up when he called.
* * *
Matt had been busier than he’d ever expected. When he’d had a moment free, he’d been dead on his feet and fallen into bed. He hadn’t been so tired that he didn’t miss having Shay curled up beside him. Somehow, he had to figure out how to get time off to see her. Even the phone calls he’d been so sure would happen between them had been too few. The last had been so terse the fear they could never find their way back to how it had been niggled him. The fast lane he once lived in and thrived on had gone into hyperdrive. This time he didn’t care for it, yet didn’t know how to get out of it.
Finally, with an afternoon off he took a long hot shower then flopped back on the bed in the hotel that was his temporary home. He hadn’t had time to look for an apartment. He’d get a few hours’ sleep then call Shay and have a long overdue conversation. One not interrupted by him being needed elsewhere.
Matt woke to the alarm he’d set on his phone. Eager to talk to Shay he pushed her speed dial number.
“Hello.”
Peace washed over him just at the sound of her voice. He’d missed her. Far more than he imagined he would. It had taken the joy out of his new job not having her to come home to.
“Hey, Shay. It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“Matt.”
He loved the way she said his name as if it was the best in the world. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
He sighed. Where was the easiness that had once been between them? They sounded like strangers. He didn’t want that. When he’d been with Jenna they’d gone long amounts of time without seeing each other, but he’d never had this pain in the center of his chest like he had from missing Shay. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you. It’s been busier here than I dreamed it would be.”
“I understand. What you do is important. Demanding. I read the press release about you coming to the hospital up there on the internet. It said you’re an up-and-coming star.”
He chuckled. The first time he’d done so since leaving Jackson. How pitiful was that? “I think they say that about everyone they hire.”
“Don’t say that. You’re great at what you do. I’ve seen you in action.”
“I love being in the OR again.” It was a part of him he couldn’t do without. “But I really miss you.”
Shay’s soft sigh made him want to reach out and touch her. If he only could.
“You sound happy. I’m glad.” Her voice had a strength in it he’d not heard before. Was she already creating a life that had nothing to do with him?
“I am except for one thing. You’re not here. I need to see you. Will you come see me? I’d love for you to move up here.”
There was a long pause before Shay said, “I won’t do that.”
Matt didn’t blame her. He couldn’t offer her what she wanted—marriage. He felt for Shay what he hadn’t for any other woman, but the last few weeks had proven he wouldn’t be good husband material. His devotion to his job overtook everything else. He didn’t even have time to call her. More than that he wasn’t sure he’d be a good father and she wanted children. His relationship with his family proved what a poor risk he was. What made him think it was a good idea to ask that of Shay? He already knew she would say no before the words were out of his mouth. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that. It wasn’t fair.”
“No, it wasn’t.” Shay’s words were filled with sadness and a touch of anger. “I knew this long-distance stuff wouldn’t work.”
He hated to admit it, but she was right. He couldn’t even find the time to meet her halfway for a weekend together. “Shay—”
“Matt, I’m not going to give up my life, my work at the clinic to move to Chicago to see you whenever you have time for me. I won’t do that to myself. I deserve to be the center of some man’s life. I’ve been the extra, on the sidelines showpiece already. Never again. I want more. I deserve more and I won’t settle for less.”
Matt couldn’t blame her. He wished he were there so he could pull her to him and hold her, reassure her that she was all of that to him. But was she? He certainly hadn’t treated her that way in the last few weeks. It had been all about him. “You make it sound like what we’ve shared meant nothing to me. That’s not true. I’ve felt more with you than I ever have for anyone. Even my family.”
“From what I can tell, you shared as little as possible about yourself with your family as you have with me these last few weeks. I think family and friends is everything. You act like yours are just people you have to deal with. I don’t want to be another one of those. I’m not surprised you have an issue with commitment since you refuse to work through your problems with your stepfather. You’ve been running from them too long. You’re looking for a place to belong in all the wrong places. Of course, you live for your job. It’s easy to have a relationship when the other person is asleep and when they’re awake they revere you for saving their life. True relationships require attention and honesty between both persons—with themselves and each other.”
He flinched. “You don’t know anything about me and my family. What it’s like to never feel like you measured up.”
“Have you ever thought you might be part of the problem? I know you don’t give them, especially your stepfather, a chance now. Did you ever?” she snapped.
Was she right? Anger boiled up in him at the idea she might be. “Like you have a right to say anything about how I handle my life. Look at you. Up until recently you’ve lived in a house that looked more like your good-for-nothing husband still lived there than you do. You’re so involved in the community you haven’t taken time to do something for yourself like travel. It’s past time for you to make decisions based on what you want—not on what you think looks good to the people around you.”
Shay’s voice turned tight. “Thanks for that insight into my life. For your information I’ve made changes, am making them, but you haven’t had time to hear about them.”
That statement certainly hit him in the gut. This conversation, which he’d believed would be a happy one had taken a horrible turn. How had they gone from what they had shared to slinging accusations at each other? “Shay, I didn’t mean—”
“It doesn’t matter what you meant. It was going to be over when you left anyway. I should have been strong enough to say it then. We want different things out of life, want to live in different places, value different stuff. We just didn’t want to admit it. Thanks for helping out at the clinic and especially with Ricky. It’s been nice knowing you, Matt. Bye.”
The line went dead as he said, “Shay, listen—”
He’d lost Shay. He felt physically sick. Here he was almost a thousand miles away where he couldn’t touch or hold her or try to convince her they could make it work. But could they?
His chest constricted, making it hard to breathe. Maybe Shay was right. Their relationship had been slowly dying, which made it far more painful than a clean break. He wasn’t the man Shay needed anyway. She deserved better than him. Shay need someone who would put her first. Always. He couldn’t make that promise.
But all that intellectual knowledge didn’t make the ache in his chest ease. For once he’d found a woman who accepted him, cared about him, loved him. He liked the feeling. Shay filled the empty hole in him. Loneliness had been so much a part of his life he’d no longer recognized it until Shay had come into it. For once he started to feel as if he were a part of something special, worth fighting for. Now he’d destroyed it.
A few minutes later his phone rang. It had to be Shay. She must be calling him to tell him she’d changed her mind. She’d give them another chance. He jerked the phone off the bedside table. “Shay?”
“Hey, Matt. It’s Mom. Who’s Shay?”
“Mom.” He didn’t even try to keep his disappointment out of his
voice.
“What’s going on? Are you all right?”
How like his mom to care. No matter how he treated her she still loved him. He had treated her badly. She didn’t deserve it.
“I’m fine.” He sighed. “No, Mom that’s not true.”
“Tell me. Even if I can’t help, I can listen.”
Hadn’t his mother always listened when he’d given her a chance? When had he stopped giving her that opportunity? Too long ago. “There’s this woman I met. Her name is Shay. She’s one of the most amazing, selfless, caring, funny people I’ve ever met. She has this old family farmhouse she’s redone. When her community needed a clinic, she’d started one. There’s nothing she can’t do.”
“It sounds like she’s a special person. Someone you really care about.”
Or someone he loved. “I do care about her. A lot.
“She has her clinic and I have my work here. I don’t see how we can make it work.” Matt groaned. “And I messed up what we did have. Worse, I’m up here and she’s in Jackson.”
“Are you not at the clinic in Mississippi any longer?”
“I’m in Chicago. I came up here three weeks ago.”
“Matt, why do you insist on keeping us at arm’s length? We care about you and want to know where you are and what you’re doing. I worry about you.” His mother’s disappointment and hurt rang clear. She sounded too much like Shay. Had he been treating Shay the same way he’d been treating his mother and the rest of the family all these years? Everything one-sided. And that being his side.
“I’m sorry, Mom.” He hated always having to say that to her. To feel as if he was failing her. That had to stop.
“All you have to do is open up to us.” His mother gave him a moment to let that sink in. “Are you liking your work?”
“I do. I thought this would be a great place to build a career.” Why didn’t that interest him as much as it used to? Because he feared he’d left the truly important part of his life back in Mississippi.