by Nicole Dykes
“But that’s just it, isn’t it? I mean . . . We wouldn’t have been together without them being gone.”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. There was always a connection between you and Coop.”
I’m sure I looked as stunned as I feel, and I have to pick my jaw up from the floor. “What?” Bond by hate?”
“Oh please.” Again with the waving me off. “I mean, yeah you pushed each other and gave each other shit, but there was never any hate.”
“Nothing happened between us when Liam and I were together.”
She looks horrified and then rolls her eyes. “Duh. I know that. But girl . . . if you and Coop want to be together, don’t fight it.”
I take a drink of my coffee and think about what she’s saying. “What if we’re just bonded by a traumatic event?”
“So what if you are?”
I’m annoyed now because those type of relationships can’t last. “Courtney . . .”
She laughs. “You guys were friends before. You survived something horrific together. And you have sexual chemistry. It sounds like a long-lasting love story to me.”
“Or we’re both trying to hold onto the past.”
“Ev, come on. That’s not it, and you know it. I saw the way he looked at you at that party.”
I take a drink of my coffee and side-eye her. “How could you have seen anything with Caleb’s face attached to yours?”
She laughs, “Shut. Up.”
I laugh as she tosses a pillow from my couch at me and I catch it.
“He loves you. And that shit runs deep.”
I nearly let a gasp escape my lips at that word, and my entire body stiffens. “L-love?”
She rolls her eyes. “Yes. Love. Stop fighting it, Ev. Go after what you want. You, of all people, know how short life can be.”
“I told him to date.”
She stares at me wide-eyed and freaked-out. “You did what?”
I shrug, trying to play it off like the thought doesn’t kill me. “We need to make sure what’s between us is real.”
“Right. And another girl riding his dick will help that how?”
I cringe, and she shakes her head. “Girl.”
“I have to know for sure.”
“Okay, but know that I’m 100 percent against Operation Get-the-Guy-You’re-in-Love-With-Laid.”
I roll my eyes but feel sick deep inside.
I don’t want Cooper with anyone else. But does that really mean I only want him with me? Or is it a possessive, selfish thing?
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
I look at Kelly, who’s wearing a disgusted and confused face as she glares at me. “What?”
“What?” She looks at my lap and then back at my face. “We’ve been making out for ten minutes, and you’re not even fucking hard.”
That’s because my dick wants no part in this break Everly thinks we need.
Apparently, my dick only wants her. Which is frustrating as fuck when I haven’t even so much as texted her over the last three weeks.
I’m trying to do what she said. I’m trying to date.
I mean, if hooking up with a chick I used to hook up with at a party at Caleb’s house counts.
Probably not.
Especially when my cock isn’t into it.
“Uh, sorry. I guess I had too much to drink.”
She scrunches her nose at me and looks beyond annoyed. “Have you even had anything? You’re not drunk.”
Well, damn. Way to call a guy out.
“It’s not you.”
“What the hell, Cooper? You never had any trouble fucking me before. And I mean . . . I know you lost your girlfriend, but we also both know she wasn’t your happily ever after.”
Now I’m pissed off and stand up from the bed. “You have no fucking clue what my relationship with Aria was.”
She rolls her eyes at me, actually fucking rolls her eyes as she stands up and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “Oh, please. Everyone knows you dated Aria just to get at Ev.”
“What?” I stand there, fucking shocked and annoyed. And okay, fucking horrified. Everyone?
“Please, Coop. We all saw the way you looked at Everly.”
I sit back down on the bed, unsure if my legs could actually hold me up at this point. “That’s bullshit.”
“It’s not. And I’m sorry Aria died. That sucks, but you can’t tell me you’re still grieving. That you’re so heartbroken over losing her that your dick doesn’t work.”
“Fuck you, Kelly.”
That’s not true. I wouldn’t do that to Aria. I cared about her. Granted . . . it wasn’t a love story. I wasn’t in love, but goddammit, I did care about her. It had nothing to do with Ev.
Right?
My fingers run through my hair, and I suddenly feel exactly what Everly was talking about. Everything is blurry, and I’m struggling to remember what’s real and what’s not. And I fucking hate it.
“Everly was his.”
Again, with the fucking rolling of the eyes. “Duh. But you were hers. From like, day one, she had you by the balls. And honestly, I’m not sure what’s holding you guys back now. Except,” she places a bitchy little hand on her hip, “maybe she was never into you.”
“Again. Fuck. You.”
She moves to leave, unbothered but turns to look at me over her shoulder. “You and your dick need to move on.”
I’m speechless as she goes back to the party, leaving me in one of the bedrooms in Caleb’s house.
What the fuck just happened?
Did everyone really know about my crush or whatever-the-fuck on Ev? Did Liam? Did Aria?
I lean back on the bed, grabbing a pillow and screaming into it, muffling my frustration but not stifling it in the slightest.
What the hell is the truth?
“So, you’re a business major?”
I nod my head in an answer as I swallow the red wine I’m drinking with dinner out with Matthew. He’s a nice guy who works at the campus library. I asked him out last week, not wanting to be a hypocrite. I mean, I told Cooper we both needed to try to move on and then did nothing about it.
Matthew is nice. He’s good-looking and polite, wearing slacks and a button-down with dark-rimmed glasses. He’s a good choice.
“I am.”
“That’s great.”
“And you?”
“Psychology.”
“Oh wow.” I take another sip. “So, you want to be a psychologist?”
He nods in response, and I can’t help thinking I must be a doctor magnet. I didn’t know anything about him when I asked him out, and still, I’m on a date with a future doctor.
I smile, and we sit there in silence, one that isn’t at all comfortable. It’s awkward, and I contemplate making up an excuse to leave many times but ultimately make it through the painfully quiet dinner.
There’s no spark.
Nothing.
He’s nice, and I’m sure if I bothered to ask him any questions he’d answer. But I don’t find myself wanting to put any effort into it.
My mind wonders to Coop so many times during dinner. I know it’s rude, but I can’t seem to help it. I wonder if he’s out on a date at this exact moment. If maybe he’s falling for someone else right now as I sit here pushing my chicken around with my fork and waiting for the check to come.
I know traumatic experiences heighten feelings. I can’t stop thinking about it. Were the feelings there before the wreck? If they were, I’m an even worse person that I thought. But I think they were.
I think back to all the times I was irrationally angry when he would flirt with and kiss other girls around me. When I would lash out at him after a one-night stand. How upset I was when I found out he was dating my little sister.
That’s not normal.
That’s jealousy.
My hands shake with the truth hitting me hard. I’ve always wanted Coop. I swear I cared for Liam, and I’d have never cheated on him. But there was
always something about Cooper, something that grabbed hold of me and never let me go.
And now, I’ve sent him into other arms.
But still, I know we need to both be sure. I’ve hurt him so damn much. I’ve been awful to him. I owe it to him to give him time to make sure it was real.
I owe it to us.
When we’ve paid, Matthew walks me out to his car and opens the door for me to climb inside. It’s a quiet ride back to my place where I thank him for dinner and dodge a kiss by turning my head and letting his lips land on my cheek.
The whole night was awkward and only cementing one fact for me.
I want Cooper.
But I fear there’s been too much damage.
Anna.
She’s sweet. Total opposite of me and my type. She’s a science major. Smart. Very smart. And when I asked her out on this date, she originally told me no.
I smile, remembering that as we order from the menu at the Italian restaurant where we’re having dinner.
She told me she wasn’t just a good time, that she wouldn’t be falling all over herself just to keep me happy, and that she was focused on school. And her hands were shaking the whole time.
It was endearing, and I knew she was a good choice for a date right then.
Everly wants to pretend that what we had was just a fluke . . . or some sort of comfort bullshit during a traumatic event . . . Fine.
But girls like Kelly weren’t going to help me figure that out.
Anna is sweet. She’d be good for me. She honestly reminds me a little bit of Aria. Which is probably twisted as fuck, but here we are.
I force myself to focus on Ana’s short blond hair and not picture long dark locks.
“You glad finals are over?”
She gives me a sheepish smile and shrugs her small shoulders. “Not really. I like school.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Her eyebrow lifts as she takes a sip of water and then places it back on the table, still eyeing me with suspicion. “Why did you ask me out?”
“What?” My mouth lifts in an amused smile.
“I’m serious. We’re total opposites.” She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose, and I smile, liking her glasses.
“Opposites attract.”
“I still can’t shake that we’re in some 90’s movie or something and that you have a bet with your friends.”
I chuckle and take a drink too. “No bets. I just . . .” I shrug and take a deep breath. “I think going against my norm would be good for me. It wasn’t working.”
“No?” She smiles curiously. “Being the big man on campus just didn’t cut it?”
I laugh again. “Big man on campus? I don’t even play sports or anything that would gain any notoriety on campus.”
“And yet, everyone seems to know who you are, Cooper Kingston.”
Liam and I were both popular on campus for our parties alone. I know it’s true, but for some reason, it makes me sick. And that was before we became the top news story for a while. “Well then, it was your smile.”
She looks cautious again. “I don’t smile often, especially in class.”
I grin at that because it’s true. I hadn’t even seen her smile until I asked her out, and even then, it was guarded. This girl is mostly serious. “That’s what I mean. Your smile—or lack of it—drew me in.”
“Uh-huh. I don’t even know why I’m here.” They bring our food over, and after we thank them, she sighs, “My friends would have killed me if I said no.”
“Regret it?”
She shrugs, but then offers a small smile. “Not yet.”
“I’ll take it.”
We fall into easy small talk and have a nice dinner, but still, despite actually liking Ana, my fucking idiotic mind is on Everly.
All night.
It’s always been Everly for me.
Goddammit, I’m so tired of this fucking feeling. I wonder where she is and if she’s okay. I wonder if she’s on a date. If I’m going to have to endure her being with someone else again.
After I drop Anna off at her place and thanking her for pitying me enough to humor the mediocre date, I go back to my empty house.
As I walk inside, I get a call and see it’s Liam’s mom, so I immediately answer, “Hi, everything okay?”
Her voice sounds tired, but as calming as ever. “Everything is fine. I just wanted to invite you to our Fourth of July party.”
My gut clenches, and I take a seat on my couch. They’ve thrown a Fourth of July party every year since before Liam and I were born. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the couch.
“Cooper?” She sounds worried, and it’s enough for me to force myself to speak.
“Yeah . . . Yeah, I’ll be there.”
I can hear her sad smile. “Okay, sweet boy. I’m glad. You can invite Everly if you’d like. I didn’t know if I should. If it would seem like too much coming from me.”
I clear my throat, trying to decide what to say. Tell her that I haven’t talked to Everly in a month because we fucked and she needs space to make sure the feelings I’ve felt for years aren’t fake. Or, you know . . . lie. “I’ll let her know.”
I won’t.
Her and her goddamn space.
“Thank you. I’ll see you then. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.”
“You too.”
We hang up, and I remove my nice clothes from my date, switching to sweatpants as I mope on the couch in front of the television.
Kelly. Anna. Aria.
None of them were, or ever could be, Everly.
The fireworks explode in the sky, and all I can think about is how wrong this is. Liam is gone. This was his favorite holiday, which makes sense because he was apple pie and all-American boy looks.
The fucker.
God, I miss him.
Every single fucking day. I miss him. And I feel guilty. It eats at me because I never got to face him like a man and tell him I was in love with his girl.
Would I have if he had lived?
Probably not.
I never wanted to see him hurt.
But now, it’s all I can think about. How we can’t have that conversation.
“Are you okay, sweetie?” His mom is sitting in the lawn chair next to me as her husband lights fireworks in their massive backyard just like he’s always done.
I shake my head. “No.”
Instead of going back to the show, she takes my hand and leads me into the house, away from the party that’s filled with mostly their friends but some of Liam’s and mine.
When the sliding glass door is closed, she takes a seat at the table and motions for me to sit across from her. I do. I’ve always done what she said. “I’m so sorry, Cooper.”
“For what?”
She looks distraught, and I don’t like it. “I know how much you miss him. God, I miss him too.”
A tear falls down her cheek, and my throat tightens. “I hate that I’m studying to be a doctor and I couldn’t save him.”
She nods like she already knew that. “I know you have so much guilt. We all do, Cooper, but that wasn’t your fault.”
“You shouldn’t feel any guilt. You did everything right. You always have.”
She scoffs at that and shakes her head, tears running down her cheeks. “No. I’ve made huge mistakes.” She sobs, “But I can’t say I regret them.”
“Like what?” There’s a rock sitting in my stomach. Something bad is coming, but I have no idea what it is.
“Liam was your brother.”
I lean forward a little in my chair and take a deep breath. “Yeah. He was.”
She shakes her head from side to side, and my sickening feeling only increases. “No, Cooper. He was your actual brother. Or half-brother.”
“What are you talking about?” I place my palms on the table in front of me and lean back a little.
She wipes at her eyes, but it’s no use because she’s still crying. �
�Cooper, your father . . .” I start shaking my head before she finishes, “was Liam’s father too.”
“Bullshit.” Her eyes widen because I never talk like that around her, but I don’t care. I stand up and start pacing the kitchen floor. “Bullshit. No. You and your husband were happy. Jim is Liam’s father.”
She nods slowly, staying put in her chair. “He is. But not biologically.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I sit back down, desperate for answers.
The guilt on her face says it all, but I still need to hear it. “When your mother was pregnant with you . . .”
“No.” I jump up again, unable to stay still.
“Cooper, please listen to me.” I turn to look at her, my knees feeling shaky, but I don’t sit. Still, she has my attention. “Your parents got into a huge fight. She kicked him out, and he was distraught.”
Bile rises in my throat as I plop back down, feeling the numbness take over me. “No.”
She’s still crying, but not sobbing so hard that I can’t understand the words. “Jim was a long-distance trucker at the time. We’d just gotten married, and he wanted to earn money for us to start a life and a family. But we didn’t realize how hard the distance would be.”
“So, you fucked my father?” She winces at my tone, and I feel bad about it immediately but don’t apologize.
“Once. He was looking for Jim when he came over, angry and drunk . . . heartbroken, but it was only me at home. We got lost in alcohol and loneliness, and we made Liam.”
My hands are shaking, and I put them in my lap. “You never told Jim?”
“I did.” She sniffs and wipes at her eyes. “I told him everything the next time he came home, fully expecting it to all be over. But he forgave me. He held me close, and when I found out I was pregnant, he told me he’d raise Liam as his own and he did.”
Jesus Christ. How can anyone be that selfless? Because Jim wasn’t just a father, he was the greatest dad anyone could hope for. And he did it, knowing his wife was unfaithful and he didn’t share blood.
“Only once?”
She nods emphatically. “We weren’t in love. He was over the moon for your mother.”
“Yeah. He showed it well.”
