by Nicole Dykes
He laughs, raising his hands in surrender. “Fine. I can be a good friend.”
She smiles, like she accomplished something and takes a drink of her beer, but all I can do is try like hell not to stare at Everly.
To think about the many parties in this backyard where Liam’s arm would be draped around her, holding onto what was his. And I would wish it was mine. Of the many years I’ve actually been a shitty friend.
I put my drink down. “I need some air.”
“You’re outside, man.” Caleb looks at me like I’m crazy.
“Oh, yeah.” I run my fingers through my hair. “I mean inside air.”
They share a look, but I don’t care, I’m out of here because I can’t fucking take it anymore.
The guilt is killing me.
“I’m really sorry, Ev. I can’t imagine what that must have been like.” He’s probably the hundredth person to say this to me tonight, and honestly, I’m just looking for an escape at this point.
I know I should be here. I cared about Liam. Even if he cheated on me and broke my heart. Even if he’s gone now. I cared about him once, so I should be here.
Right?
But as his old friend Isaac tells me how sorry he is as he rests his arm on the back of the porch swing we’re sitting on and facing me, all I can think about is getting far away from here. Far away from the Liam stories. Far away from the pitiful looks. Far away from everything.
I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been handling people I don’t know on campus whispering and convincing myself they aren’t talking about me. But here . . . I know they’re talking about me.
I know they miss Liam.
I know they’re worried about Coop and me.
And it’s all too damn much.
Not to mention, Isaac has had way too much to drink. “I’m fine.”
His eyes search mine, and he looks pained. I know Liam and he were close. Not as close as Liam and Coop—obviously—that bromance went deep, but they were friends since junior high. “I miss him.”
I feel like I might die.
Might actually burst into flames or collapse into myself because I’m not sure I do. I mean, I don’t want him to be dead. I don’t think. But he cheated on me. I trusted him with my body and my heart, and he cheated. And he didn’t even tell me about it. He didn’t give me any sense of closure. He just fucking died.
“I know.”
“He wouldn’t want you to be sad though, Ev. I know that much.”
I’m barely paying attention to him ramble on and catch Caleb and Courtney making out by the firepit in the middle of the yard.
I’m disturbed by the image of them groping at each other, but sickeningly relieved that she isn’t sucking Coop’s face right now. I have no idea where he is. He went inside the house right after we got here, and I haven’t seen him since.
“He would want you to be happy.”
What?
I turn to ask Isaac exactly what he’s talking about just as his lips press against mine. What the everloving hell? My hands move to his chest as I push him back away from me. “What are you doing?”
He looks shocked. “Ev . . .”
“No.” I stand up. “He would want me to be happy? So, he’d want you to kiss me?”
I glare at him, aware of the people around us watching, but I don’t care. “I just . . . I mean . . . I’ve always liked you.”
Oh, good Lord. I shake my head and fold my arms over my waist. “You loved Liam. But you kiss me at his birthday party?”
“I just mean he would want you to be happy.”
“What the hell is going on?” We both look up to see Cooper standing there, his gaze dark and angry.
Isaac stands up, looking a little shaky. “Nothing, man. Just a misunderstanding.”
“Misunderstanding? Really?” Coop edges closer, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him looking scarier. “Her boyfriend died.”
“I know.” Isaac fidgets with his hands, shoving them in his pockets. “I miss him too . . .”
“So, keep your fucking hands and lips off his girl.” My eyes meet Coop’s, and I don’t miss the anguish in them. The guilt. Regardless, he holds his hand out for me. “Come on.”
I take his hand and follow him inside. We pass Liam’s old room and go to his where he closes the door. I’m shaken and so annoyed with myself for that. It’s not the first time I’ve been hit on when I was unavailable, but everything feels different now.
His hands grip the side of my head, sliding through my hair as he looks into my eyes with so much concern, my knees feel weak. “Are you okay?”
I nod my head stupidly, relishing the feeling of his fingers in my hair and his body this close to mine. “I’m fine. It was nothing.”
“He kissed you. I saw it.”
Again, I nod. “For a second. I pushed him away. I . . .” My eyes meet his in the darkening room. “I didn’t want him.”
“I know.” His hands pull me closer. “I’m such a fucking hypocrite.”
Before I can ask him what he’s talking about, his lips meet mine, and I lose all thought. Suddenly, it’s just me and Coop.
His lips brush over mine, and then his tongue darts inside my mouth. I can’t think, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel anything but this. I need this, and I think he does too.
His hands push my jacket off my shoulders. We move to the bed, our lips and tongues doing all the talking.
I lift his black tee over his head and let my fingers slide over his impeccable abs, letting them dip into each ridge.
“Fuck, Ev,” he breathes and lifts my tank top off, tossing it behind us.
The back of my calves hit his bed, and I unfasten his jeans, pushing them down as he steps out of them, his fingers gliding through my hair. He pushes my jeans down until we’re both left in our underwear.
His mouth moves to my neck, driving me crazy with want and need until I’m breathless, panting and begging him to be inside me, “I need this.”
I undo my bra and toss it away, his eyes dropping down to my chest. “Me too.”
I nod as I push my thong off and sit on the bed, dragging his boxer briefs down enough for his eager cock to spring free. I nearly gasp at the sight, from the soul-crushing ache inside, needing his touch again more than I let myself admit.
I have no idea how self-destructive this is. I don’t know what it means or how we’ll feel tomorrow, but I don’t care.
Not now.
I pull him onto me, and he kisses me with intensity, setting me on fire. I want to spend time exploring his body, but I need him too badly, and I think it’s mutual.
My body is beyond ready for him, and he must sense it because he thrusts into me hard and unapologetically, just like I need it.
We both moan loudly, the desire clawing its way to the surface and not letting us go.
“Fuck, I missed this.” His teeth nip at my neck as I arch my back into him, grabbing his bare ass with my fingers and pulling him deeper inside me.
“Me too,” I gasp as he hits the perfect spot inside me, making me clench around him. “Right there.”
He grins against my bare skin, acting like the cocky motherfucker I know as he gingerly bites my nipple, making me arch even more into him. “I know.”
I can’t even roll my eyes at his arrogance because his cock feels way too good buried inside me, thrusting at the perfect angle and punishing my G-spot. “Coop.”
His lips find mine as his hand travels between us and finds my clit. “Ev,” he breathes in between kisses.
“I’m close.”
His forehead rests against mine as he works my clit and fills me over and over at the perfect speed, driving me insane. “Come for me then.”
“You’re so fucking bossy.”
“You love it.” He grins and kisses me slowly. I kiss him back because I do like his bossy side. I like so much about Coop, it kills me.
My thighs quiver, and I feel the familiar buildup, the tingling th
rough my body, letting me know I’m on the brink of bliss. My fingers claw at his back as his name escapes my lips, and I let it take over me.
His release hits him at the same time. His cock jerks inside me as his hips continue to thrust. We didn’t use a condom. There was really no need, and I feel his cum inside me as I come down from the high and his body rests on top of me.
I like the feeling of his weight. I like his release inside me.
And I close my eyes just waiting for the inevitable.
The guilt and the regret.
Everly is in my arms. Again. After months. She’s here, her warm body against mine as we spoon in my bed.
Spooning.
Who the fuck knew I’d love that feeling?
I’ve missed this so damn much. I feel the moment she wakes up and her body stiffens against mine.
Don’t freak out on me.
She turns in my arms and faces me. “Morning.”
Her lips draw up into a small smile. “Good morning.”
“You okay?”
She nods slowly, but I see the worry in her eyes. “I am.”
“Everly . . .”
“Cooper.” She smiles and brushes her hand over my cheek. “I’m not freaking out.”
My right eyebrow lifts as I study her face. “You’re not?”
“No. I wanted that.” She lays her head on my shoulder and snuggles closer to me, her hand laying over my heart. “You make me feel safe, Coop.”
I smile, but my heart aches a little at the thought because I can hear the “but” hidden in there somewhere. “But?”
Her eyes meet mine as she tilts her head up at me. “But . . . I also see the pain in your eyes when you’re tortured about wanting to kiss me. I hear you call yourself a hypocrite.”
“That’s my issue. Not yours.”
“But that’s the thing, your issues become mine if we wanted to keep doing this.”
“I do.” And God, I do. I can’t imagine letting her walk out of here, regardless of my guilt about fucking my best friend’s girl.
“But it always goes back to Liam for you.”
I cringe but can’t really argue. “I’m working on it.”
She shakes her head and sits up, pulling the sheet over her naked chest as she peers down at me. “You shouldn’t have to. And Coop . . .”
“Don’t.” I pull her back down into my arms, not wanting to let her go. “Please don’t.”
“There’s a reason why we keep pushing each other away.”
“And pulling each other back.”
I feel a tear hit my bare chest, and I hate the anguish this is causing her. “We need a break. Like, an actual break.”
“Don’t do that.”
She sits up again, but this time she grabs her tank top and slips it on, followed by her thong and jeans. I don’t have the strength to get up and face this. I don’t want a goddamn break.
She sits at the end of the bed and turns to me. I sit up just enough to lean my back against the headboard. “You feel like you’re betraying Liam, and maybe you are. And I . . ..” She combs her hair her with fingers. “I don’t know what this is.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I lost my boyfriend and my sister in a matter of minutes, and then we were fighting for our lives. So, I don’t know if sex was part of the survival or if it was more . . . Or what it was, Coop.”
“We weren’t trying to survive last night.”
Her eyes pierce me. “Weren’t we? Isn’t that really all we’ve been doing since the wreck?”
I study her eyes, so full of regret and sadness. “So, that’s all it was then. Comfort.”
“Maybe.” Her answer stings more than I want to admit.
“Really?” I stand up and tug on a pair of sweatpants, storming to the end of the bed and standing in front of her. “Maybe? Everything between us was just comfort?”
She looks defeated, her small shoulders slumped, and tears well in her eyes. “I don’t know.” She stands up, her frustration evident. “I have no idea. It’s all meshed together and messy, and I have no fucking clue what any of it means. I know that I’ve never felt safer than I did in your arms, but that was in a goddamn survival experience. I don’t know, Coop. And neither do you.”
“I do.”
“Bullshit. You’re swimming in guilt. Me?” She points to her chest. “I don’t really have that because it turns out Liam was a cheater, and I don’t owe him much. And maybe there’s a little bit there with Aria dating you, but you . . .” She points at my chest now. “You’re drowning in guilt because he meant so much to you.”
Tell her she means more. Say the fucking words, Coop.
“Everly . . .”
“Don’t.” She holds a hand up to silence me. “Before the wreck, yes . . . I had fantasies about you. And I wasn’t a great girlfriend, but I don’t know what those fantasies were. If they were just lust or what. Everything is blurry and messed up.”
“Do you know how many nights I’d lay in this bed and . . .” I point angrily at the shared wall with the other bedroom in the house. His bedroom. “And listen to you two? Wishing it was me? And now, you’re going to tell me that everything that happened in that house was what? Comfort? Survival?”
“Yes.” Her neck tightens, and I can see the tension she’s holding onto. “You lying in here thinking about fucking me instead? That’s lust. A fantasy that came to fruition when we were stuck out in the middle of nowhere.”
“Fuck that. It was not just lust.” Say. More.
I can’t seem to get the words out though. My head is spinning, and I know there’s a small part of me that’s afraid she’s right.
“We need a break, Cooper.” Her hand strokes my cheek softly. I want to hold her to me, but I let her hand drop. “We need time to grieve. And to find out who we are without Aria and Liam. We need to find out who we are alone after being in that house together.”
“Haven’t we been doing that?”
She shakes her head sadly. “Not really. I can’t have you there as a crutch. I can’t call you when I’m upset and freaking out. We can’t fall into bed with each other. We need some real time apart.”
“I don’t want that.”
She offers a small smile. “I don’t either. But we need it. We should um . . .” She looks pale, almost sick, but then she takes a deep breath and looks at me. “We should date.” I’m sure I look confused, but then she clarifies, “Other people.”
“You want me to fuck someone else?”
She winces but recovers. “That thought guts me, but maybe. I meant actual dates though. Get to know a stranger. Take them to dinner.”
“Yeah well, Caleb and Isaac would be all for that. You want me to set that up?”
I’m pissy, but I don’t care. “No.” Her small hands grab my face and demand my attention. “I said strangers. People who don’t know Liam. We need to find out if what happened at the house was forced closeness or if there was something real.”
I press my lips to hers, hard and punishing, taking a kiss from her that she surprisingly gives. Her hands move from my face to my hair as she pulls me into her, kissing me back and crushing me at the same time. “It was real.”
Her hands move to my chest, pushing me back to give herself space. Her bottom lip quivers, and she shakes her head. “We need a break. Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”
“A break?”
She nods, but she doesn’t look certain. Not at all. “Yes.”
I step back and motion for the door. “Fine. I’m fucking done with this.”
“Don’t be like that. I don’t mean forever.”
“Right.” I don’t move.
I can’t force her to stay and see what’s right in front of her.
She gives me one last sad look and then opens the door, leaving me behind.
Off to find out who she is now.
Without me.
“Oh good, you’re alive.” I glare at Courtney,
who’s standing at my door way too early in the morning for me. It’s been two days since the party, and I still feel like shit. Seeing Cooper’s face when I told him I thought we needed a break was almost too much.
But I keep telling myself it’s the right thing to do.
I don’t want to use him as a crutch. And if we decided to get together, I didn’t want to always wonder if it was just the intense scenario that threw us together or if it’s real.
“What are you doing here?”
She holds out a coffee from my favorite place on campus . . . “Peace offering?”
I take it and bring it to my lips, taking a generous sip. “God, that’s good.” I motion for her to come into my apartment, which she does. “But what do we need to make peace over?”
I close the door, and she takes a seat on my couch, sipping her own coffee. “Well, for waking you up.”
I nod my head as I take a seat. “Yeah, I’ve killed over that before.”
She laughs, and then her face softens. She looks guilty now. “And, of course, for all that talk about Cooper.”
“It didn’t look like you were thinking about Coop too much with Caleb’s tongue down your throat the other night.”
She looks sheepish but then grins. “Yeah . . . Ummm. He definitely has skills I didn’t know he had.”
I laugh. “So don’t need to know.”
She laughs and takes a drink. “But seriously. I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
I try to play coy. “No idea about what?”
She cocks her head to the side. “You and Coop. You guys are hooking up, right? Or more?”
My chest aches, thinking about him, and I go back to the broken look on his handsome face when I told him we needed a break. “Court . . .”
“Stop.” She holds up a hand in the air to silence me. “There’s no denying it. And why would you anyway?”
“You mean because he was dating my sister and I was dating his best friend?”
She waves me off, but then softens her features sweetly. “Look, I don’t know what happened exactly, and it doesn’t matter. Aria and Liam . . .” she looks pained, but continues, “they’re gone. You guys can be together if you want.”
