by Nicole Dykes
What do you say to that?
It’s fucking awesome. Loved every second of it.
I mean seriously, what the fuck?
“Well, that doesn’t make me feel any better.” She looks up at me, and I use my thumb to wipe away the tear under her eye. “I was hoping I was just paranoid.”
“It was a pretty big news story around here. I thought it would help you to know that you’re not crazy.”
She rolls her eyes again and then lays her head on my shoulder. “I’m not sure which is better.”
“Maybe you should take a couple of weeks off.”
“I can’t do that.” Her voice is barely a croak. “I’m already disappointing the hell out of my parents by getting a business degree. I can’t be late getting that degree.”
I kind of hate her parents. “Ev, you don’t owe anyone anything.”
I swear I feel her smiling even if I can’t see her face. I stare up at the blue sky and hold her for a minute, just letting her feel what she needs to and hope to hell it helps even a little.
After a while, I stand and take her hand. “Come on.”
She reluctantly stands up. “I don’t think I can handle class today.”
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. But for today, let’s go get something to eat.”
Her brow crinkles, and it’s way too fucking cute. “Eat?”
“Yeah. Tell me you haven’t enjoyed eating things that aren’t canned or dried.”
She smiles now. “I still love pickles.”
“I still hate ’em.” But they do remind me of Ev.
She smiles, shaking her head with a laugh. “What about your class? I can’t ask you to uproot your life for me just because we lived together for a few weeks.”
I grin and think that over. “Huh, and here I thought I wouldn’t ever be able to get to that level of commitment.”
She shoves me, but it’s playful. “You’re a jackass.”
I wrap my arm around her waist and start to walk with her off campus. “Yeah, but I’m not so bad.”
“I know that, Coop.” She stops and looks up at me. “You really shouldn’t skip class for me.”
“Maybe I’m not ready yet either.”
I would have been okay, and I’m sure she knows that. But instead, she stops fighting me and lets me take her to a wing place right off campus.
When the waitress brings over several varieties of boneless wings, we dig in, and I find myself loving that smile on her face. “God, that’s good.”
“Damn good. Although, I think I could have survived another month or two in that house.”
She looks up from her plate. “You think?”
I’ve definitely thought about that house an awful lot over the last few days, mostly when I’m laying alone at night, missing her body. Missing her laugh. Missing her call me a jackass.
“Yeah.”
She smiles and takes another bite before quickly grabbing her water and fanning her tongue. “Shit. That one is hot.”
“Don’t be a pussy. I’ve seen you endure far more,” I tease.
She flips me off and then takes another bite of the spicy wing as a “fuck you” to me.
Man, I love her fire.
“That’s my girl.”
We both stiffen, and I kick myself for being a dumbass. But she just shakes her head and continues to eat. We don’t need to say anything because she’s not my girl.
I made it crystal clear she can’t be.
Again, because I’m a fucking dumbass.
“You aren’t pregnant, are you?”
I gaze up at Courtney as I finish chewing the massive bite I just took. “What?”
“You just devoured that hamburger.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head. “No. I’m not pregnant.” It’s been two months since my little freak-out on my first day back. Since then, I’ve gotten back into my routine. That includes lunch with my former freshman-year roommate.
“Are you sure? I mean, the stress of everything. You could totally be carrying Liam’s kid.” She looks almost whimsical, and I kind of want to smack her. “That would be kind of cool in a way.”
I don’t tell her that Liam and I didn’t have sex for a good month before the wreck. Or that the last person I had sex with was actually Coop. “I just had a full physical. I’m not pregnant.”
And I don’t have any diseases. Thank God. I had to get tested to know for sure after Liam cheated, and I made Coop promise me he would too.
I smile, thinking about the selfie he sent me with a thumbs-up and negative test results.
“See? You like the idea too.”
I snap out of my thoughts of Cooper and back to my idiot friend, who, okay, I like most of the time. But she’s clueless about a lot of things. Although, I guess I was too. I haven’t told anyone about Liam’s infidelity. It just doesn’t seem right with him gone and unable to tell his side. So, everyone who knew us gives me the sad looks and a hug any time he comes up. Because to most people, Liam appeared to be the perfect boyfriend.
“I don’t want to be pregnant. I’m definitely glad I’m not.”
“Oh.” She takes a bite of salad. “Then why the goofy-ass smile.” She grins. “I mean, it’s good to see, don’t get me wrong.”
Yeah, I’m sure it’s been hard to be around me lately. I’ve been trying, but my mind is constantly wandering. Thinking about everything that’s happened and what never will. Mostly thinking about my little sister being gone.
I haven’t seen Cooper much since he took me out for wings the day I freaked out, but he has been checking on me often through texts. “Nothing. Just my normal sunny self.”
She laughs at that, but then her attention is elsewhere. She gazes with her big blue eyes away from me. “Oh my God.”
“What?” I turn to look over my shoulder to see what has her attention and grin when I see it’s Cooper headed this way. I turn back to Courtney. “You’ve seen Cooper before.”
They had a lot of parties at their house, and Courtney was usually there. She puts her fork down and fusses with her hair. “Yeah, but now he’s single.” She stiffens and offers an apologetic look. “I’m so sorry, Ev.”
I want to punch her but probably for all the wrong reasons. Instead, I shrug it off. “He is single.”
“And so fucking hot.”
Yeah, I’m gonna have to hurt her. Luckily, Coop makes it to our table and slings an arm around me. “I thought that was you.”
I turn my head and look into his big dumb—okay, perfect—eyes. “What are you doing here? Are you stalking me?”
“You fucking wish.”
I grin because I think a part of me would like that. “Really, what are you doing here?”
His face turns somber for a moment and then he drops his arm. “Liam’s birthday is in two weeks.”
I automatically stiffen at the mention of him, and now I know why Cooper went from fun to kind of sad. “Right.”
“He was going to have a big party.”
I nod, picking up a fry and chewing it to distract myself. “Yeah, it was pretty much all he talked about. A big blowout.”
I think Liam was more excited about his birthday party in April than our trip for Christmas. “Yeah.” He grips the back of his neck. “So anyway, the guys want to make sure we still have it. As kind of a tribute to Liam.”
“Fun!” Courtney exclaims, and for a moment I forgot she was here.
Coop’s lips pull up into a smile, and I turn my focus back to him. “That’s nice.”
“Yeah . . .” He looks nervous, and I can feel Courtney’s eyes on me. Right. I should be more excited about a party for Liam. And maybe I am. He wasn’t a terrible man. I refuse to believe that, just because he cheated, he was a bad person. But I’m still conflicted.
And the guys he’s referring to would be all their friends. And there were a lot of them. Liam was loved.
“That’s great, Coop.”
“Will you be there?”
&nb
sp; “I, umm . . .” I stutter.
“Of course, she will,” Courtney answers for me, and I turn to her, my eyes wide. “I mean, it’s for Liam. The love of your life.”
I want to groan but manage to keep it inside. I turn back to Cooper, who looks as uncomfortable as I feel. “I understand if it’s too much, but I wanted to let you know about it. Just in case.”
I nod my head dumbly, unsure of what to say. Just being around one old friend is a lot for me. Being surrounded by people who knew Liam—who knew us as a couple—sounds like hell. “No, I’ll be there.”
He looks uncertain, cocking his head to the side. “You don’t have to, Everly.”
“So, you guys don’t hate each other anymore?” Shit. I keep forgetting Courtney is here.
I turn to her and sigh. “Kind of hard to after what we went through.”
She laughs and then eyes Cooper. “Yeah, I don’t know how she could hate you before, but saving her ass like that? I’m glad she’s being friendly to you now or I’d have to kick her ass.”
My eyes roll, but Coop doesn’t keep that pouty mouth shut for a second. “Save her? Please. I was practically useless. It was Ev who was carrying in firewood and kicking survival ass.”
I gawk at him and shake my head. “Don’t lie.”
“I’m not lying. My shoulder was fucked. I probably would have died out there without you.”
His eyes lock on mine with no mockery. “That’s not true, and you know it.” My voice is quiet. “You did most of it.”
“We did it together.”
I can’t take my eyes off him, and I hate that. I feel Courtney’s stare on both of us, and I still can’t pull my eyes away from him. “Fine. We did it together.”
He grins. “I gotta get to class. If you need to talk . . .” I smile as he stands and nod my head, letting him know he doesn’t need to finish his sentence.
“I know.”
He waves and leaves the table as Courtney stares all gaga. “God, he’s gorgeous. Are you sure nothing happened in that house?”
Because she has all the tact in the world, she waited two whole minutes before asking me if I fucked Cooper in the abandoned house the first time I saw her again after the accident. I told her nothing happened then and have stuck to my story since.
“You mean besides trying to stay alive in the freezing winter?”
She rolls her eyes. “Well, sex does keep you warm.”
I try really hard not to think about sex with Coop and just how warm his naked body was. “My boyfriend and his girlfriend had just died.”
That usually shuts her up, and thankfully it does this time too. Because what decent humans fuck each other when they just lost their loved ones like that?
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I grab a fry and chew on it absently.
“We’re so going to that party though.” I meet her eyes, feeling nothing but extreme anxiety. “And I’m finally going to get Cooper to myself.”
Now, I’m sure my eyes have turned red. “What?”
“What? I mean . . . I know Aria . . .”
“Yeah, my sister. He was dating her. Maybe you should wait before jumping him.”
And yeah . . . I’m a huge hypocrite. “I’m just doing my part, Ev. Offering myself in comfort.” She gives me a wicked grin that turns my stomach.
He’s single. I have no claim to him.
But still . . . every part of me wants to do just that.
Liam’s birthday.
It was supposed to be a blast. The best party we ever threw. I’m not sure why we focused so much on this one, but we did. There are several kegs and alcohol flowing. There’s a live band in our backyard. The hot tub is full of people, even if it’s still too cold for the pool, and a lot of people are running around in swimwear.
There’s really only one person I want to see, and she’s not here.
I shouldn’t want to see her. And I definitely shouldn’t be pathetically searching for her every two seconds when I should be having fun. I’m trying my best to give us both some space, to find the balance between being there for her and not being a totally shitty friend to Liam.
I mean . . . yeah, I fucked Everly in that house, but we thought we could die any day. Now that we’re back to our real lives? Everything seems off. Every thought about Everly feels like it did when he was here and alive. Like I’m scum for lusting after my best friend’s girl.
And just like that . . . there she is. She walks through the back gate, wearing a black tank top, jeans, and a leather jacket with her long hair straight and down . . . And I’m right back there.
I’m a shithead. Gawking at her like the lovesick sex-starved motherfucker I am.
She gives me a wave, and I nod in her direction, trying to play it cool. All these people knew us before the wreck. They all loved Liam. If they know the things I did to Ev at that house and the thoughts in my head since forever . . . Yeah, they’d hate me.
Her annoying little blond friend is at her side, trying way too fucking hard, but I can’t pull my eyes from Ev. Like every fucking time before.
They make their way over to me, and my focus is on Ev. “I wasn’t sure you’d make it.”
I know she doesn’t know how to feel about Liam, and I wasn’t sure about inviting her. But he would want her here. I want her here.
So again, I’m a selfish prick.
She looks sheepish. “I wasn’t sure if I would either.” She eyes Courtney, looking like she wants to throttle her friend which I find amusing, considering it’s usually me on the other side of that look. “Someone really wanted to come.”
I look over in that someone’s direction, and the girl is eyeing me hard. That should probably thrill me, but it doesn’t. I want nothing to do with the chick looking at me like she could eat me alive. “Well, thanks for that.”
She plays with her hair and bats her eyelashes at me. “There was no way we were going to miss it.” She wraps her arm around Ev. “And I mean . . . Hello, this one needed to be around people who loved her guy just as much as she did.” She winks. “Well, maybe not as much.”
My gut turns, and I try not to think about why it hurts so damn much that she loved him. “Right. Drinks?”
“Yes.” Courtney is practically bouncing up and down, but Ev shakes her head.
“No, thanks. I’m not sure how long I’m staying.”
“Okay.” I get it. Part of me feels like I’m dying, and I recognize that look in her eyes.
She removes Courtney’s arm from around her and faces her friend. “You should go with him. I’m going to,” she looks so fucking lost as she gestures around the backyard, “look around.”
Courtney, of course, doesn’t miss jumping at the chance, hooking her arm in mine. “Let’s go. Have fun, Ev. Please.” She looks like she’s begging her.
I think she’s actually trying to be a good friend to Ev but is just totally fucking clueless. I let her drag me away from Ev and toward a keg. Courtney sighs as I fill a red solo cup for her. “Do you think she’ll ever be okay again?”
Well, fuck me. “I don’t know.” I hand her the cup, and she takes a sip as I contemplate a better answer. “She’s been through a lot.”
“Yeah.” Courtney looks over in Ev’s direction and then back at me. “You have too, and you seem to be bouncing back.”
Far from it. But I’m pretty damn good at putting on a show. “She’ll be okay. Ev is strong.” I can’t help watching her as she walks around the party, saying awkward hellos to old friends. “Really strong.”
When I look back at Courtney, I can feel her suspicious gaze. “Yeah. She is.” Her intensity only increases. “But she lost her sister and the love of her life.”
I take a drink of my beer, swallowing a little too hard and trying to distract myself. “Yeah. I know.”
Caleb, an old friend from high school, saunters over to us before I have to come up with anything else to say, whistling as he takes a drink and emptying his cup. �
�Damn, Ev looks good.”
Don’t kill him.
“Yeah.” I take a drink, and Courtney looks right at Caleb.
“When didn’t Ev look good?”
Caleb grins at Courtney. “True. And you’re looking pretty damn good too, Court.”
I roll my eyes, taking another drink, trying not to look around the crowded party for Everly while I listen to these two. “Not happening, Caleb.”
Caleb feigns hurt as he grabs a refill. “Maybe I’ll go for Ev.”
I think I just growled. Fuck, that definitely wasn’t an actual word that just escaped my throat as I stare daggers at my friend. “Caleb.”
He shrugs, grinning as he takes another drink. “Why not?”
Because I’ll rip your head off.
“Because she’s still grieving, asshole,” Courtney interjects a much better answer. The truth. And a lie. All in one.
Caleb just shrugs again. “I can help her grieve.”
I need to go, but my feet won’t move. Luckily, Courtney is full of words. “With your tiny little cock? She doesn’t need that. No one does.”
I actually laugh at that, and Caleb shakes it off easily. “Come on, Court. Don’t be bitter. You know I’ll gladly show you how wrong you are about my cock anytime.”
“Why don’t you two go get a room?” I drink, hoping they’ll take me up on it.
Courtney fake gags. “Never.” She shoves his arm playfully. “And not even you would take advantage of Everly like that. Only the shittiest of humans would sleep with her when she needs time and friends to get through this awful moment in her life.”
Motherfucker.
Can shame actually eat you alive?
I think that’s what’s happening to me.
My eyes find Everly as she talks to two girls I know but can’t remember their names. I’m definitely a shitty human. Instead of being there for her and just keeping her alive, I used her body a hell of a lot. I still think about her body every fucking night. Okay, and day.
“Right, Coop?”
Shit, she’s talking to me? I turn my focus back to Courtney. “What?”
She looks at me a little funny but takes pity on me. “I was just saying that we need to be there for her, get her out of her apartment and not hit on her.” She glares at Caleb.
