by Nicole Dykes
The man she trusted with her heart and who broke it. The man I know she loved.
We arrive at Liam’s parent’s home, and people file inside for the catered dinner in the dining room. Liam’s mom wanted it at her home.
I don’t know most of the people here, but I try to stay out of the way, letting everyone offer their condolences to his parents. Our story was all over the news. Everyone knows what happened, and I’ve been faced with eyes full of pity and curiosity for the past two days. I’ve definitely had enough of that for a lifetime.
I see Everly slip in, giving Liam’s mom and dad a quick hug and talking to them politely before she sneaks away. I watch her go up the stairs and wait a few moments before I follow.
I know she’s going to his room. When I reach the top of the stairs, I find her sitting alone on his bed. She’s wearing a different black dress today with her hair in a high bun on top of her head. She’s not surprised when I walk through the door.
She’s holding Liam’s old baseball glove on her lap, staring down at it and not bothering to raise her head to look at me. “I didn’t even know he played.”
I lean against his dresser. “Junior high. He didn’t play in high school.”
She nods, her fingers sliding over the leather. “There’s a lot I didn’t know about him.”
“I think it’s okay that you didn’t know he played junior high baseball for two summers.”
She places the glove on the bed and stands up, walking toward me with her eyes full of tears. “But is it? Clearly I didn’t know very much about him.”
Goddammit. I hate that look on her face. “He made a mistake, and it was a huge one, but Ev . . . it was a mistake. It doesn’t define him.”
“What if it happened more than once?”
“It didn’t.”
“How do you know?” Her eyes plead with me.
“I just do.” And I do. I saw it in his eyes that day. It was one time, and he regretted it. “People fuck up. They do. I don’t think it ever would have happened again.”
She shakes her head. “It all felt like a lie today.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean . . .” I watch her delicate throat move as she swallows, and then her eyes meet mine. “Playing the grieving girlfriend. It felt like a lie.”
I wince at her confession, but I can’t imagine the hell she’s going through. “You loved him.”
She walks closer to me, placing her small hands on my chest and looking up at me. “I didn’t know him. Not really. I was an idiot. Just a kid, playing. I thought I knew everything, and now, it’s like I don’t know anything. Everything is upside down.”
I wrap my arms around her and hug her much smaller body to mine. “I know, but you did know him. Don’t let it ruin your confidence. Trust me. You know who you are, and that’s what matters.”
“I’m a dumbass girl who thought she had the perfect boyfriend.” She buries her face in my chest, and I wonder if she can hear how fast my heart is beating, having her in my arms again. “And I wasn’t a good girlfriend either.”
That surprises me, and I pull her back by her shoulders to look at her. “Yes. You were.”
Her glossy eyes meet mine. “No. I wasn’t. And you know it.”
The intensity in her eyes leaves me unsettled, but I fight it. “I don’t know that.”
She scoffs, angry and cold, but so damn broken and lost at the same time. “You do. We bickered all the time, but it was like a flickering flame waiting to blow out of control. Waiting to burst free and burn everything to the ground.”
I want to deny it. “Bullshit. You loved him, and you hated me.”
She shakes her head. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. I didn’t hate you. You stirred something deep inside me. And I was a terrible girlfriend, lusting after his best friend.”
Fuck! “Don’t do this. I know everything feels distorted right now.”
She nods and stands a little taller, her eyes on my lips making me weak. “Nothing feels right. I don’t know what’s real anymore. Was anything?”
The house was. That was real. But I can’t say it, not on the day we buried Liam. I can’t fucking do it. “Everly.” Her name is a breathless plea, and when her lips touch mine, I give in.
I can’t fucking resist her, and I know she’s right. I cared about Liam. He was my best friend. But if at any time during their relationship she’d have showed me any interest . . . I’d have set the world on fire to have her.
My hand goes to the back of her head, pulling her into me, holding her mouth to mine, and I kiss her. Our mouths collide as her lips part and she grants my tongue a taste of her sweetness. It’s frantic and so fucking wrong, but I’ve been completely numb today until now. Her kiss awakens me, and at first it feels good, but then it quickly turns bitter.
Her hand moves to my tie to remove it, but my chest fills with an ache, and I stop her, pulling back to look into her pretty eyes. “We can’t do this.”
She’s frozen, her eyes full of confusion and pain. But she steps back, smoothing a finger over her swollen bottom lip. “I know.”
I walk closer to her. “I want to.”
She looks around the bedroom in a daze, and I see her hands trembling. “I’m so fucked up.”
“No. You’re not. You’re grieving.”
“I have to go.”
She starts for the door, and I want so badly to stop her, but I know I can’t. I look around my best friend’s room and only see him. The past. How heartbroken he would be to walk in on me kissing her.
So, I let her go.
I sit down on his bed and look around again. Lost and broken.
“Cooper?” I look over at the door to see his mom and try to compose myself quickly. Did she see us?
“Yes?”
She walks inside, gazing around the room in tears. “I thought you might be up here.”
Me. She didn’t say anything about Everly. She must not have seen her leave. “Yeah. Sorry. I wasn’t doing so well with the crowd.”
She takes a seat next to me, picking up the glove Everly had been looking at. “I wasn’t either.”
“I’m so damn sorry. I wish I could have saved him.”
She cocks her head to the side and smiles. “He was a good kid.”
“The best.” I smile back at her.
“We all have our flaws, even Liam. But yeah, he was amazing.” She looks around sadly and holds the glove to her chest before meeting my eyes again. “I didn’t see Everly for very long.”
I stiffen, unable to hide it. “Yeah. She’s having a hard time.”
“I can’t imagine. I know what they had was young love, but it was still love.”
I hate the jealousy burning in me. “Yeah, it was. I’m sure they’d have gotten married and had the happily ever after thing. It’s not fair.”
The words taste bitter because I’m pretty sure that would have killed me. But I do think it would have happened. Her eyes meet mine, darkening with something I’m not expecting. “I’m not so sure about that.”
I study her face, searching for her meaning. “You said it was love.”
“Young love.”
“What does that mean?”
She looks at the poster on the wall and sighs. “Like I said, Liam was flawed too. They were young.”
Does she know? “Did he um . . .” I can’t out him to his mom if she doesn’t know. Maybe she’s just talking in general.
Her eyes meet mine. “You knew too?”
Oh. Fuck. “He told you?”
She nods her head sadly. “He was so upset, Cooper. He loved her so much, and he knew how badly he messed up.”
“Then why did he do it?” I should only be missing him today. I shouldn’t be pissed off at my dead best friend, but fuck if I’m not. How could he do that to her?
She stands, clearly upset and not herself. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Do you know? What all did he say?”
She
brushes me off, starting for the door. “Not much, Cooper. I probably know less than you. I just know he regretted it.” She turns to face me as she pauses by the door. “I told him to talk to her about it.”
Well, damn. I’m the asshole who told him to treat it like it never fucking happened. “He didn’t.”
She looks pained. “She doesn’t know?”
Now I feel even worse as I look away from her. “Does it matter?”
She cries softly. “I’m not sure anything does now.”
I feel like there’s much more to this story, but she darts out of the room, and I’m too numb to follow. I can’t grill her on the day she said goodbye to her son.
And maybe she’s right . . .
Maybe nothing matters anymore.
Campus seems so empty. Which makes no sense because people fly by me as I make my way to class.
I can do this.
I take a deep breath as I look around. It’s a warm day for January, and there’s no snow on the ground, which is a plus.
If I never see snow again, I’ll be totally fine with that.
I have thirty minutes until my class starts. I left my apartment to walk here early, instinctively knowing I would need more time to adjust. It’s the first day back for everyone, and they’re all smiling and laughing, looking so happy to be back.
I’m not really here.
I feel like I’m floating down the path toward the large brick building with no control over my own limbs.
Liam would often walk me to class, sometimes even if he didn’t have class at that time. We enjoyed each other’s company. Or so I thought. He did, after all, seek the company of someone else.
So many things are left unanswered, and I can’t shake this feeling that I’ve been wrong about everything for so damn long. I finally reach the building and stare up at it, trying to talk myself into walking inside.
People pass by me, opening the door and going inside while I stand there, utterly frozen.
“I don’t think your class is going to come to you.” I startle slightly from the deep voice coming from next to me but recover and turn to face him.
“Coop?”
He smiles at me. It’s forced but still so beautiful. “Hey.”
“What are you doing here?”
He shrugs. “I just got out of class and have another one next door. I saw you and thought I’d say ‘hi.’”
I cock my head to the side slightly, not fully believing him. But how could he know my schedule. “That’s a pretty big coincidence.”
He grins a little wider now. “Not really. Neither one of us are morning people, so I’m assuming you schedule your classes later in the day like I do.”
It’s true. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. Always have. “Yes.”
“Yeah, thought so. And you frequent the business hall, I’m assuming. So yeah, I did happen to take this way on the off chance I’d see you.”
“You wanted to see me?” I think about yesterday. His lips on mine. The anguish in his eyes. Him pushing me away. That sinking feeling of rejection comes back to the surface.
“I always want to see you, Ev.”
“Not yesterday.”
His face reflects his misery as he pushes his hand through his thick hair. “Not in his bedroom. On the day of his funeral. I just . . ..”
I feel dirty, clutching my waist with my arms. “I know. I shouldn’t have . . .”
He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
That’s so damn confusing. “But you did?” My eyes lower, and I notice he’s not wearing a sling. He wasn’t yesterday either. “Is your arm better?”
He smiles, probably at my randomness. “Thanks to you. And Everly, he was my best friend. And you were his girl.”
“He cheated. Apparently, he had more than one girl.”
“He didn’t. You were the one he loved.”
“So how was you kissing me bad, but me kissing you not?”
He looks like he’s bracing himself. “Because you . . .” His jaw clenches.
“Don’t treat me like I’m fragile. Just say it.”
“You don’t owe him anything. Nothing. He cheated. But I do, Ev. He was still my friend. I can’t . . .”
“Right.” I move away from him, and he follows.
“You’re the one who pushed me away, remember?”
“You’re the one who held that secret from me. And ugh!” I throw my hands up in frustration because I don’t know what to feel. “Goddammit. You’re right. You should be loyal to him. And yesterday was you being loyal again.”
His eyes close briefly, and then he opens them. “We can still be friends. I want to be your friend. I want to be here for you.”
I force myself to swallow the cry because I have no one. If I completely push Coop away, I really will have no one. But can I use him like that? Can we actually just be friends? I know we shouldn’t and can’t be more than that.
“Okay.”
He looks a little surprised by my words. “Really?”
I nod. “Clearly I can’t do this alone. I wanted to. I left that hospital having promised to call if I needed you but didn’t think I would. And then, what? It took me three hours, and I called you.”
He smiles at that. “I’m glad you did.”
I turn back to look up at the large menacing building. “Me too. Thank you for being a friend to me.” Even if I’m pretty sure he’s only doing it out of loyalty to Liam.
“I’ll always be your friend.”
I face him and release the breath I was holding while looking at the building. “Just no kissing.”
He smiles but looks conflicted. “Right.”
“I think I can do that.”
His smile turns into a cocky, shithead sort of grin, the one I’m used to from him. “You sure? I’m not convinced you can keep your hands off all this.” He gestures toward his body, and I shove him playfully.
“Oh lord, how can I possibly do that?”
He chuckles and then pulls me in for a hug, even using the arm that I had to pop back into its socket not long ago. “You can do this, Ev. You’re strong.”
I take another deep breath and release it. “Thank you.”
“Anytime. I gotta go. Call me if you need me.”
I assure him I will, and then he leaves, heading to the building across the path from me.
Okay, I can do this.
I walk up the stairs and open the doors to the building, walking inside and looking around for the lecture hall. A group of students pass by me, and I swear I hear them whispering about me.
I’m being paranoid.
I walk inside the large lecture hall and feel almost instantly on display as I take a seat and feel eyes on me. And I hear the whispers.
I can do this.
Two girls sitting a few rows in front of me won’t quit talking and then looking back at me. I know the news ran several stories about us. I’ve seen the news on my phone and on TV. My picture, along with Aria, Liam, and Cooper’s have been all over the news.
My palms are sweating, and I try to wipe them off on my jeans but realize my hands are shaking.
I can’t do this.
I grab my bag and jolt out of my seat, flying out of the lecture hall and out of the building. “Shit,” I gasp as I run down the stairs and find a bench, collapsing onto the metal frame.
I can’t stop shaking, and I’m about to burst into tears. I swear everyone is looking at me, but I know it’s not true. Most of them are just passing by without a thought, but I can’t shake it. Liam should be here. Aria should be here.
I reach into my bag and pull out my phone, dialing Cooper without second-guessing. “Hello?”
His voice is quiet because he’s probably in class.
“Ev?” Now he sounds freaked out.
“Coop.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t do this?”
“Where are you?” I hear shuffling.
“Outside on a bench. Freaking the fuck out.”
More shuffling. “I’ll be right there.”
“Are you in class?”
His voice is louder now. “Not anymore.”
Shit. I’m a mess. I made him skip a class because I can’t get it together.
I’m not his problem.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Shit! I knew I shouldn’t have left her. There was something seriously off about her when I left.
Fuck, when did this campus get so crowded? I push past a large group of people standing by the exit and run down the stairs, my eyes searching for Ev.
She sounded terrified on the phone.
I make my way back toward the building her class was in and spot her sitting on a bench with her head bent down and her elbows on her knees.
She’s definitely panicking.
“Everly.” I kneel in front of her, catching her eyes. “Ev.”
Her hands are trembling, and she looks pale. “I . . . I can’t.”
I rub her back with my hand and try my best to calm her. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. It’s so fucking stupid.”
“It’s not. At. All.” I take a seat next to her on the bench and wrap my arm around her. She doesn’t push me away. Instead, she leans into me. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I freaked out for absolutely no reason.”
“I don’t believe that.”
She shakes her head in disbelief and maybe a little disgust. “Believe it. Nothing did. I’m just . . .” She sighs and then motions around us at the few students walking by. “I feel like everyone is looking at me and talking about us. Which is completely insane.”
I’ve felt that way today a lot too. “It’s not.”
“It is. Most of them, more than likely, have no idea who I am.”
I shrug and lean back against the bench, taking her small body with me. “Maybe. Maybe not. I’ve definitely noticed extra eyes on me today, and it’s not just my good looks.”
Her teary eyes meet mine and they roll, which gives me hope because that’s my Everly. “You’re so full of yourself.”
I laugh. “I’ve had a couple of people ask me about it today too.” I wasn’t really ready for that part. Strangers asking me what it was like to be stranded after losing my girlfriend and my best friend.
