Dust

by Mandy Harbin

  She coughed again and took another sip of my drink. "You care about me, but you don't want to be with me?"

  "I didn't say that."

  "Then explain it to me." She sounded genuinely confused, and I grappled with the best way to explain my feelings without revealing too much.

  "I've never had a relationship like this before." Shit, why was this so hard? I sighed. "I'm just not sure—"

  She gasped and I stopped, jerking my head up to look at her. She coughed again, but wheezing a little this time. "What...?" she asked, grabbing her throat and looking at the tray. "Cookie?"

  "Oh, fuck!" I jumped up and grabbed the cookie she'd been eating. I thought I'd gotten an oatmeal cookie. It was peanut butter. Shit, shit, shit! She was allergic to peanuts. I put my hands on her shoulders and forced her to face me. "What do I need to do?"

  She shook her head, her breathing getting shallower. "Deserve...it," she wheezed. "Was...stupid."

  What the hell? "No! This is my fault." I lifted her arms, hoping it'd open her lungs, but I didn't know what to do. Her breathing was getting worse. "C'mon, baby. I gotta get you to the hospital." I started to pick her up but she stumbled away shaking her head.

  "Deserve...it. Shoulda...been...me."

  She was speaking nonsense. I reached for her, not caring if she didn't want to go to the doctor, but she backed away again, putting the table between us. She was about to pass out or stop breathing. Oh god, I couldn't watch her die. Witnessing my mother's death was bad enough. "Please don't do this to me. Not you, too."

  Tears leaked down her face and she slowly nodded. "Bag." She pointed to her backpack. I yanked it open and dumped it out. "Pen."

  I found a plastic tube and looked up at her. "Now what?"

  Her eyes rolled back and she started to slump. I jumped over the table and grabbed her before she hit the floor, easing her down to it instead.

  "Dude, is she okay?" Somebody asked me from behind. I looked at the pen again and there were instructions on it. I had to inject it into her thigh.

  "Get back and call 911," I barked as I unbuttoned her pants and tugged them down. I administered the medication as it stated and waited. She didn't wake up. I couldn't just sit here, waiting while she died. I let go of her, stuffed her belongings back into her backpack, slung it over my shoulder with mine, and righted her pants before picking her up. There were a few people standing around, watching, but I couldn't look at the panicked expressions on their faces. I ran outside with her in my arms. I was headed to my truck when I heard an ambulance. I jogged to the side where the paramedics had pulled in. They jumped out as I ran toward them with her. "She ate peanuts, but she's allergic to them," I called out as I reached them.

  One jumped into the back of the ambulance and the other met me at the back door. "How long ago?"

  "Um, ten minutes, maybe. I don't know. She had a medical pen that I gave her but she'd already passed out."

  "Put her on the gurney, and give me the pen you used."

  I did as he said and stood back while they worked quickly around her, hooking things up to her and shoving something in her mouth. They were throwing around words that freaked me out. Words like low blood pressure and anaphylaxis. "What's that?"

  "Very serious. We're taking her to the hospital. You can follow us there."

  "I want to stay." I didn't want to leave her.

  "I don't have time to argue with you." He didn't look at me when he said it. He kept working on Liv.

  "Shit," I breathed and jumped out. "Get her there!"

  I couldn't get to my truck fast enough, but by the time I did, I heard their sirens as they took off with her. I threw my truck into gear and raced to catch up. Within minutes we were at the hospital which was a division of the medical school and, thankfully, on campus. I parked and ran into the emergency room. I rattled off who I was to the receptionist and told her what was happening.

  "As soon as she's stabilized, you can see her."

  Grabbing my hair, I forced myself not to scream at her. I started pacing. I walked to the waiting area and sat. My knee bounced over and over. Then I stood again and walked around the seats. I did this repeatedly—sitting and fidgeting, walking and biting my nails. I couldn't stand not knowing how Liv was doing. Fifteen minutes turned into thirty. Thirty minutes tuned into an hour. I'd asked a few times for an update, but got no clear answer.

  "How is she?" Jewel asked, startling me as she ran up. I frowned at her, wondering how she'd known Liv was in the hospital. I hadn't called her, but seeing her now, I realized I should have at least sent her a text or something. She was Liv's closest female friend. "I went to the cafeteria and several people were talking about some girl passing out and you taking her to the hospital," she said, answering my questioning stare. "I put two and two together."

  I shoved my hands into my pockets. "I don't know. They won't tell me anything."

  Jewel glared. "Screw that." She pulled out her phone and called someone. "Daddy?" she muttered, stepping away. I gaped at her. Her father was a powerful man around here, and she didn't use that clout very often. In fact, I couldn't remember her ever throwing her dad's name around. She turned back toward me and came near. "Okay, thank you. Love you, too." She put her phone in her purse and looked at me. "C'mon."

  I followed her to the receptionist's desk, hoping whatever she was doing would work.

  "Hello. I'm Jewel Seaton. Governor Seaton's daughter. You'll be getting a call from him in a few minutes regarding a patient, and my best friend, Olivia Musgrave. Since you refuse to give a status update to her fiancé," she glanced at me in warning to play along, "maybe you'll like to answer to him. He's on the golf course right now with the dean of the medical school—you know, your boss—discussing this matter."

  "I guess your father doesn't care about HIPAA violations." The receptionist rolled her eyes and looked at me. "It doesn't matter. Your friend's awake and asking for you. You can see her now."

  She motioned toward a set of double doors, and I bolted without asking where she was. No way could I stand still while she rambled on about directions. I scanned cubby holes with curtains around them as I walked down the hall.

  "End of hall, to the left," Jewel said as she jogged up beside me.

  We walked faster.

  "Can I help you?" a nurse asked as we passed a station. Jewel hung back to speak to her, but I kept going. I wouldn't be able to breathe comfortably until I could see Liv.

  "Over here," Jewel said once she joined me again. She walked over to a curtain and opened it.

  Liv looked up from the bed she was sitting on and I had to lock my knees to keep from falling. She looked at me but had her phone up to her ear.

  "No, Mom. I promise I'm fine. They're releasing me now. There's no need to come down here. Yes, I'll pick up a new epinephrine pen. I'll have to see about that. Finals are coming up. I know...I know. Okay, I'll see if I can make it. Love you, too." She pulled her phone down and sighed. "My mom. She's freaking out and wants to come down here, but I told her not to worry about that. I had to bribe her with a weekend visit as soon as possible."

  Our gazes held as I stepped toward her. I didn't stop until I’d pulled her into my arms and held her to me. "You scared the shit out of me."

  "Sorry."

  My hold became crushing, my emotions rioting inside me. Her being here was my fault. If I hadn't been so careless with the food, she wouldn't have been in danger.

  "So what did the doctor say?" Jewel asked from beside me. I pulled away so she could hug Liv. I watched as she took her roommate's hug without flinching, and I felt a little at ease knowing Liv trusted her. But only a very little at ease. This was still all my fault.

  "Nothing I didn't already know. Don't eat anything with peanuts."

  "Why am I just now finding out about this?" Jewel said, putting her hands on her hips. "Do you know how much stuff is packaged around peanuts?"

  "I know," Liv mumbled.

  "You could get sick off something that
was cross-contaminated," Jewel squeaked. "O-M-G, we need to go through all our food and products to make sure nothing could hurt you."

  "Look, Jewel. I'm straight. I've lived with this my whole life. I know what to look for. I just slipped." Her eyes darted to me, but I didn't say anything. I was still coming to terms with everything myself.

  When she focused on Liv again, she asked, "When do you get to leave?"

  "As soon as they bring me my discharge papers."

  "Okay. I need to call my dad." She looked at me. "Make sure she gets home safely. I need to start going through all our stuff and throw out anything that doesn't need to be around her."

  "Jewel—"

  "Oh no, girl. Don't you dare argue with me." She hugged her before heading to the door. "From this moment forward, peanuts are the work of the devil, and I'm not having them around us. Period. End of story."

  I watched Jewel walk out and then slowly faced Liv. "How are you feeling?" I stroked her hair and tucked it behind her ear. She shivered, and I couldn't help myself. I pulled her back into an embrace and kissed the top of her head. "Are you hurting or anything?"

  She wrapped her arms around me. "I'm fine, Kill. I promise."

  I nodded against her head. I needed to ask her some questions, but couldn't let go long enough to face her. It was just too hard. "Why, firecracker? Why do you think you deserve this?"

  She stiffened against me, but my arms were like steel. She wasn't getting out of this. I needed an explanation. I needed to understand. Because right now, I sure as hell didn't.

  "I-I don't know if I can talk about it yet, Kill."

  Was she ever going to if I let her avoid it now? I think I already knew the answer to that, and I didn't like it. "Please," I breathed against her.

  She was quiet for a while, just let me hold her. Then she whispered, "I swore if I ever had another attack, I'd let it take me."

  I shut my eyes, the pain too strong bear. "Why?"

  "It was why I got free...and my sister didn't."

  She didn't finish the thought, but I knew she meant when she and her sister had been kidnapped. We hadn't talked about that much, not because I wasn't dying to know the details, but because I wanted her to be the one to tell me when she was ready. I'd even considered Googling her to see if I could find anything out, but that felt too invasive. Especially when she was learning how to trust men in general and me specifically. We would do this on her time.

  With me nudging her along, like now. "How?"

  She sighed. "We were chained in a basement, but they made us eat something I had an allergic reaction to." She pulled away, and I let her, reluctantly, giving her the space she needed to get the words out. After looking around at everything but me, she finally looked into my eyes. "She didn't even want to go," she whispered. "It was my idea. We weren't allowed to leave the street, but there was a park a few blocks away and I was bored." She looked away then, talking slowly, without emotion. "A boy around our age walked toward us. He was cute and had on a catcher's mitt. He was sweaty and dirty like he'd been playing ball. He was smiling but seemed to be in a hurry. He stopped us and asked if we were headed to the park. I said yes. He said he was getting juice boxes for a bunch of the guys and asked if we could help." She shrugged and half-smiled at me. "It was innocent enough, but Sam didn't want to go into his house. I told her to go on, and I'd help him. She refused to leave me."

  She stopped talking as she looked in the distance again. "The boy trapped you?" I asked, prompting her to continue. She shook her head.

  "No. He really was in a hurry. We heard his mom and dad talking in the other room. His dad was drunk. His mom snatched him up and ran upstairs. We were left with his dad."

  I swallowed the bile rising up. "So his dad...?"

  She looked at me again. "Took us? Yes. He chained us up in his wine cellar and talked about what he was going to do to his new daughters," she sneered. She was embracing anger, and I felt rage building on her behalf. "He took his belt off and threatened to beat us to death if we didn't do what he said."

  Fuck, I wasn't sure I could sit here and listen to more of this. "You don't have to say anymore." I got up and wrapped my arms around her.

  "Don't you see, I lived because I had an attack. I wouldn't have been set free if I didn't have an allergic reaction. The boy's mom freaked after I started having trouble breathing. She unlocked my restraints and told me to wait upstairs. I'd been hopeful she was going to free us, but looking back, I think she didn't want me dying in her basement. When I got to the main floor, another kid walked into the house and left the front door wide open. We looked at each other, and he hissed for me to leave. I was so scared that I did. I was going to get help, but by the time I got home, it was too late. What should have killed me, saved me instead. And I walked right out of that house without my sister. I should have died that day with her. She'd dead because of me."

  I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me. "No. You were kids. You can't blame yourself for some sick man kidnapping you and killing your sister."

  "It's not that easy."

  "Nobody said living is easy, Liv. You just do it. Now, I want you to promise me you'll never stop yourself from taking your meds if that ever happens again." When she started to shake her head, I held it still. "Promise me."

  She shut her eyes on a sigh. "Fine."

  I dropped my forehead to hers. "Jesus, woman. You're gonna be the death of me, you know that?"

  She chuckled. "A sign of a true friendship."

  I kissed the top of her head and leaned back to look at her. We still hadn't finished our conversation from the cafeteria earlier. I swallowed before beginning. "About that...even though we've been around each other as much as before, things have felt strained. I miss this. I miss you. That's why I asked about forgetting that kiss. I want our normal back."

  She licked her lips before nodding slowly. "Well, that might be a fair trade for what I'm about to ask you."

  Uh-oh. "What?"

  "Well, my mom wants me to come up soon."

  "And?" I said slowly.

  "She wants to meet my new friend who I'm spending so much time with who also happens to be a guy who just saved my life." Her smile was all teeth.

  "You want me to meet your mother?" I asked slowly. My heart was pounding, but I wasn't sure how to define the nerves—whether it was the thought of meeting her mom, or if it was because I wanted to make a good impression—something I never cared about before.

  "It'll be a weekend of Killian interrogation. An occasion that calls for much popcorn."

  "You're not doing your best to sell me on this idea," I muttered.

  She shrugged with a hint of confidence. "You'll come. I mean, if you want me to pretend the kiss never happened."

  I glared playfully at her. "That's blackmail."

  "That's friendship," she said a little too cheerfully. God, meeting Liv's mother. That was going to be very interesting. Yeah, that and spending the weekend with Liv. The nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach got stronger, making me realize it probably had very little to do with meeting her mother after all.

  "Fine. We'll leave after my last class on Friday."

  And I was suddenly very excited for Friday to get here.

  12

  The road trip to Arkansas had been fun so far. Killian and I had played games, fought over what music to listen to, and talked about nothing specific. I was still stunned he'd agreed so easily to come home with me for the weekend. Either he really did want me to forget about that kiss we'd shared, or he was willing to grasp any excuse to spend time with me. Those possibilities were contradictory. If he wanted to spend time with me, then logic would dictate he wouldn't want me to forget about the kiss. But nobody had said a word about things being logical. Unfortunately, I didn't have anything to compare to. Sometimes I really hated my lack of experience in the man department. But truth be told, I liked being with him, regardless if we acknowledged that stolen moment or not.

  In f
act, when he'd pretended it never happened, I'd been hurt. I'd waited for him to say something, anything, about it. When days passed without so much as a whisper of our lip-lock, I knew he wasn’t happy about it. That realization made me both embarrassed and mad. Embarrassed because I'd put myself out there and ultimately gotten rejected. Mad because he'd so easily screw practically any woman, so why wasn't I good enough for just a kiss? Of course, I didn't voice those feelings to him. I, too, pretended as if everything were okay. When he told me why he wanted to put the kiss behind us, I could see the sincerity in his eyes. He really did care about me. I might only be a friend to him, but I mattered. He did, too. More than any man in my life.

  I knew anything beyond a great friendship was out of the question—as it should be—but that didn't mean I couldn't enjoy what we had together. So I did my best to put that night behind me. It hadn't been easy. Hell, after Jewel had witnessed the kiss, she'd gone on and on that night about how no one had ever seen Killian make out with a girl in public. Even quick kisses had been a rarity. Yeah, that hadn't helped my confusion at all. I'd known all along that we were friends, but I'd liked it better when things were undefined in my mind. After our kiss, Killian hadn't just labeled our relationship as strictly friends, he'd branded it with a fiery poker into that platonic category. When I told Jewel about this after getting out of the hospital, she still didn't believe it. She'd lamented about how his actions spoke louder than words, and that I should grab the bull by the horns. She'd pulled every clichéd metaphor out of her stash to try to prove to me he was hiding behind his feelings.

  Though I saw the reasoning in her argument, I didn't tell her that. Regardless of how Killian acted, he didn't want to ruin what we had. I had to respect his wishes. But that didn't mean I had to pretend to myself I wasn't falling for him hard and fast. Because I was. It would only be a matter of time when I'd be head over heels in love with this man. My feelings were growing exponentially with each passing day. The thought of not being around him hurt, so I totally understood why I didn't want to do anything to damage what we had, either.