Dust

by Mandy Harbin

  Jealous. That was a more appropriate description, though I knew I had no reason to be. Unfortunately, logic didn't dictate emotions.

  "Oh shit, that was out of line," Jewel gasped. "I don't know why I even said that. I'm sorry."

  "No, it's okay." Was it? I didn't know proper girl protocol on reminiscing about the time you'd hooked up with your new best friend's boyfriend.

  "You know I would never do anything to come between the two of you, right?" Jewel's eyes started to turn red. My chest felt heavy. "I don't even think about him like that anymore. I haven't in a long time. Seriously, until you transferred here, I hardly talked to him. It's because of you that I even hang out with him. I'm completely in your corner." She leaned in, and lowered her voice, "Like, I'm so far in your corner that if you two ever break up, I'll help you hide his body."

  I had to laugh then because she looked so serious.

  "You think I'm lying?" She leaned back and smiled. "My dad was governor, girl. I know places where even the vultures and gators can't find him."

  "You're a mess." I said through fits of laughter. She joined in and the tension was gone.

  "I really am sorry. It's just that I know Killian is a good guy. Deep down he really is, but he never seemed to believe that before you. I'm happy he's able to see that now, and I'm so tickled you're the one to do it for him."

  My face was hurting from smiling. I figured it was my unused cheek muscles trying to remember how to work again. I got the feeling they'd be in for a new workout. "Thanks. He means a lot to me."

  "You love him," she said so calmly.

  I sputtered, trying to come up with a response that didn't sound sappy or lame.

  "Stop trying to deny it. It's written all over your face." She hugged me before I could blurt out something intelligent...or unintelligent as the case probably was. When she looked at me again, she had an expression I’d learned to be wary of.

  "What?"

  "We need to figure out a way to help Gabe and Killian work through their issues." The floor suddenly looked very interesting to me. "Oh no you don't. Look at me." When I did, she grabbed both of my wrists. "We girls stick together. Those two get testosterone overload whenever they get within twenty feet of each other. I know you know why. I can see it by the look in your guilty eyes."

  "Jewel—"

  "Just hear me out. I'm not asking you to spill his secrets, but you have inside information on what we can do to help them bury the hatchet."

  Unless said hatchet was to be buried in Gabe's back, Killian would have no part of it. I knew that beyond any doubt. "It's not going to work."

  "We won't know until we try. What harm will come to us if we exerted some effort where their relationship is concerned? We're BFFs. Our boyfriends are going to be around each other a lot. Do you want to always be breaking up a fight or getting drunk to avoid the tension?"

  "No," I said slowly.

  "Then we need to figure out a way to help."

  A knock sounded, and Jewel jumped away with a giggle. "That's Gabe." She rushed over to the door and opened it. I watched as he walked in. He kissed her briefly and then looked at me.

  "Oh, hey, Liv. I didn't know you were going to be here."

  "I don't have class this morning."

  "Ah." His gaze didn't leave me, and I started to feel a little uncomfortable. I always got that way around him. It felt like he was trying to see into my soul and rip out my secrets. His attention had never been easy for me. I wasn't sure why he affected me like that, but I tried not to focus on any negativity. The reality was Killian was the only man I felt completely at ease around. It was probably nothing personal against Gabe. He was just different from Killian, and I'd probably feel this way around any other man for a while.

  But telling myself that didn't make his intense focus any easier to accept.

  "You wanna come get some coffee with us?" he asked.

  My spine prickled. "Um, no. That's okay."

  "Yes!" Jewel said at the same time I tried to deny the request. She looked at me. "Yes," she said again, cocking her head to the side. The calculated look she gave me told me she was ready to start her new Killian and Gabe project immediately.

  Killian hated Gabe. Any scheme to change that was not going to work. I knew why and so did Gabe, but Jewel couldn't even begin to understand without knowing the truth about what had happened between them.

  And Killian would be all kinds of pissed if I were anywhere near Gabe on purpose. I'd never forget the warning he'd dished out to me the night we had our first kiss. I understood why he'd given it. His anger would be out of fear for me, but it'd still be there all the same.

  "It's just coffee," Gabe said. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged.

  I looked at Jewel who was now sporting a look of determination. I raised an eyebrow and pulled out my phone. "Yeah, I'll go." I sent Killian a text telling him I was going out for coffee with my BFF and his archenemy.

  And braced myself for his wrath.

  "Yay!" Jewel clapped, wrapped her arm around mine, and leaned her head on my shoulder. Gabe chuckled.

  "Okay, let's hit it."

  When we got to his car, I slid into the backseat while Gabe and Jewel got in up front. I checked my phone even though it wasn't on silent and I would've heard it go off.

  No response from Killian.

  When we neared the coffee shop, I checked again.

  No response from Killian.

  Maybe he was busy or left his phone in another room, I mused. He didn't have class this morning. It was plausible. He'd reply when he noticed I'd sent him a text. Though it was his response I was leery about. When we drove by the coffee shop, I frowned, looking through the rear glass as if I'd been seeing things. Nope, it was definitely behind us, and Gabe wasn't slowing down to pull a U-ey. "Um, we just passed the coffee-getting place?"

  Jewel turned around. "We're going to the one by his mom's house. He says it's the only one that serves good coffee." She rolled her eyes.

  "It is!" he protested with a laugh. "It's a crime to drink that crap they serve on campus. You've had my coffee. Is it not good?"

  Jewel faced the front and sat. "Yeah, yeah. It's the best."

  "You'll pay for that, woman." He chuckled. "Just for that, no chocolate chip cookie."

  "Oh, please, please, please, can I have a cookie?" Jewel pouted playfully.

  I picked up my phone and checked it again.

  Still nothing.

  Jewel and Gabe continued to flirt and chat in the front seat while I willed my phone to beep. I wanted to talk to Killian. I knew this had been a bad idea. He was going to be furious with me. I was torn between my freewill to do whatever the hell I wanted and going against the wishes of the man I loved. I hadn't felt like his request had been crazy or that he'd been trying to control me. He had a horrible past with this man. He knew him better than me, and he knew what Gabe was capable of. For twenty minutes I berated myself for making this hasty decision.

  When my phone vibrated before it sounded, my heart lurched. I yanked up my cell to read my text.

  I should've left it alone.

  "WTF, Liv? I f'n TOLD u to stay away frm him!"

  He was going to be mad. I was anxious because I knew it was coming, but now that I was faced with it, his attitude pissed me off. It wasn't logical, but I didn't care.

  "Don't be a dick! I'm with Jewel."

  "Where r u? I'm coming to get u." I told him before that we were going to get coffee, but the prick would assume the same thing I had and think we were on campus. Now I was glad we were going to a different cafe, and I was not going to clarify that for him.

  "Screw u!"

  "U did already."

  I gasped. What the hell? That was below the belt, no pun intended. Why was he being so mean?

  "What's wrong?" Jewel asked and turned around to face me. I looked up and saw Gabe watching through the rearview mirror.

  "Nothing," I muttered.

  "Uh-oh, sounds like
your boyfriend doesn't like who you're spending time with," Gabe said casually. I glared at him, partly because I was still mad at Killian, but also because his passive-aggressive tone spurred it on.

  "He'll get over it."

  Jewel smiled sadly, but then gave me a quick, confident nod. She would see my fight with Killian as a hurdle to overcome in her quest to heal the damage between him and Gabe. When she turned around, I looked out the window. My phone beeped again, but I didn't look at it.

  When it rang, I silenced it without answering.

  We both needed to cool off before talking. If he could be so crude as to throw our intimacy in my face, I didn't want to know what vile words he could spew when he didn't have to take the time to type them out on his phone.

  "Stay strong," Jewel muttered. I glanced at her and nodded. I really didn't want to talk about this at all right now.

  Another phone beeped and both Gabe and Jewel dug for theirs to check. Gabe chuckled.

  "It's okay. It's just my mom." He reached over and caressed Jewel's cheek. "Do you mind if we swing by her house first? She has a leak behind her washer and wanted to know where the main water shut-off valve is since she can't reach behind the washer to the one behind it. It'll be easier if I just stop by to move the washer and dryer out and shut off the water there. Should only take a few minutes."

  "Yeah, that's no problem." Jewel beamed up at him.

  Right now, I was hating the stupid stick. I needed a sense stick to beat myself with to counter the effects and give me more logic. Killian could use a few strikes with it, too. He was the one who started this fight. Uh-uh-uh. You did by going against his wishes. I didn't want to listen to reason though, so I shut down that inner voice and watched the trees fly by outside.

  We passed a park where children played, and I had to look away. The ball field, the slide, the swings...it all felt too familiar. I studied my fingers as they twisted between each other, trying not to feel that sense of longing I'd felt when I was a child and wanted nothing more than to go play at the park with the other kids. A desire so strong that it had resulted in my sister's death. All because of a park. My scalp prickled.

  A park just like the one we'd passed.

  My head snapped up. The trees...the sidewalk...the streetlights...the houses...they were all similar, eerily like the ones of my childhood. Only the streetlights were a little more rusted, the sidewalks had cracks, and the houses had more mature landscapes.

  My body went numb, cold. These were not just like the ones where I used to live.

  We were in my old neighborhood. The place where my life had forever changed, and Sam's had ended.

  "Oh, god," I breathed. Only I couldn't find any air.

  We pulled into a driveway. I looked up at the house. Someone was screaming. I figured it was me.

  It wasn't.

  17

  Killian

  Coffee.

  The smell of it being freshly brewed wrenched me from my sleep, but the moment I was awake, I smiled as something sweeter engulfed me. Through the heady aroma of Granddad's Columbian roast, there was Liv. I could still smell her on my pillow, on my sheets, and I enjoyed being enveloped by her scent. I was in no hurry to get up and away from the comforting fragrance that lingered from yesterday. I could drown in her natural perfume and die a peaceful man. That's what she did to me. She centered me whether she was physically near or not. It was all her doing even though she didn't have to do anything but just be herself. She offered me something that had been missing from my life for so long, and she did so without even trying. She gave me peace.

  When I was around her, I wasn't edgy or fidgety. I didn't have to fight the need to fill the silence. She was my serenity, the place I could physically go where once only my art allowed me to mentally travel. She gave me independence from my inner demons. Freedom from myself. She'd done more for me than medication, doctors, or even Mr. Noble had ever done.

  And still she gifted me with so much more than that.

  Yesterday had been amazing. One of the best days of my life. No contest existed for comparison. It was as if I were missing a part of my soul before she entered into my life, and making love to her had solidified her presence, anchored her into my heart.

  I was in love with her.

  There was no doubt that I loved her. I might have been in love with her since the day she scurried into art class and sat next to me. I hadn't been a social outcast, but people had sometimes stayed away from me before I'd attacked that asshole with a desk. After that incident, the "sometimes" had become "usually." I hadn't blamed them. I would've stayed away from me, too, if I had been able. But my fearless firecracker had waltzed right over beside me, planted herself into my life, and starting growing in my heart. I hadn't accepted it at first, but when I decided to stop fighting it, I felt so much freer than I had ever felt. I doubted I'd be able to completely let go of my fear of hurting her, but rather than thinking it was because I'd been created by an evil man, I knew it was because I'd always worry about her wellbeing. It wasn't a fear of what I was capable of, it was a fear born out of a need to ensure her safety—a feeling I would readily accept.

  I took another whiff, letting her essence settle into my bones, before getting out of bed and pulling on some lounge pants—I didn't bother with a T-shirt—and followed the smell of caffeine into the kitchen. If I hadn't done it then, I'd be staying in bed all morning, and fighting the urge to call Liv, asking her to come over and join me. My dick twitched, signaling its vote on that idea, but I overruled it. Liv had said she'd be studying this morning, but that she'd be free to meet for lunch. I could wait. Her hot little ass had better be finished studying, because when I saw her, she would not be returning to her books.

  "Good morning, son," Granddad said when I walked in. Even his reference to my jackass father couldn't dampen my mood.

  "Morning, Granddad. How'd you sleep?" I clapped him on the back on my way to the coffee pot.

  "Er, fine. You?" His chair scraped on the floor as he turned to look at me. I gazed at him from the side as I poured my cup, allowing him to assess me and determine on his own that I was not his son.

  "Like a rock." After I'd gotten home from dropping off Liv, I'd stumbled into bed and hadn't woken up until this morning. My little firecracker had worn me out. I smiled into my cup and walked to the table to sit next to Granddad.

  "Killian," he murmured as he picked up his own cup. No confirmation was necessary. I could tell by the look in his eyes he knew it was me. He took a sip of his coffee. "Don't forget we need to go through the attic to get the donations ready for the retirement home. Every time I try to go up there, Margo chews my head off. That woman is part devil, I'm sure of it."

  I chuckled. She was a saint if anything. "I haven't forgotten."

  "You ready for graduation?"

  "Yes, sir." It felt weird knowing I'd be finished with college in just a couple of weeks. Part of me knew I could always go back and work on my master's, but from here on out, I'd be working full-time. I thought I should be scared by that, but instead I felt liberated. It was another step in me claiming my life for myself and not living in the shadow of my father.

  "You seem as if you are. I'm proud of you."

  I looked up at him and smiled. It wasn't often he gave me praise—that had been my grandma's doing growing up—but when he did, it always made me feel good because I knew how much he meant the words. "Thanks. I'm proud of me, too."

  "Ah, I'd wondered if you'd gotten dentures. Glad to see you hadn't."

  Huh? I couldn't help the frown I felt pulling on my lips. I usually tried not to react when he rambled about something that only made sense in his head, but my reaction had been immediate.

  He chuckled. "Because you never smile. I hear dentures are uncomfortable." He flashed his natural, toothy grin, and I laughed at his silly joke, though part of my humor was really relief he hadn't been in the midst of a confused spell. "I'm happy to see you smiling more lately," he said after taking
another sip. "You've been through a lot in your life. Too much for a boy like you. Hell, too much for anybody."

  "Yeah." I had been, but he and Grandma had been there to pick me up and help me during the darkest part of it. Not that I'd been so eager to accept them. "Sorry I wasn't always the easiest person in the world to live with."

  "Nonsense. Teens are never easy, and you adjusted well." I smirked and darted a challenging look at him. "Okay, you got me there. You didn’t adjust easily, but you did eventually, and I'm happy you've been here." He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. "These last couple of years, especially."

  "I miss her, too," I mumbled.

  "I miss her always." Then he smiled at me. "But I'll see her soon. The princess angel tells me so, after she talks of your angel of course." So much for lucidity. I nodded and drank some more of my coffee. "Don't believe me?"

  I glanced at him. "What's there for me to believe?" I hedged. Talk of angels was the norm for him. If it made it him feel better, I wasn't going to correct him. Besides, I knew his days were numbered. He'd taken Grandma's death really hard, but whatever he was seeing was turning his spirits around at least a little.

  His smile was knowing, but I didn't understand why. "You are much happier these days. My brain may fail me from time to time, but I notice it. What's changed?"

  I bit my lip to keep from grinning like a fool. Hell, I probably had been this whole time. "I've met someone."

  "A lady friend?"

  "Yes."

  He chuckled. "My, they do put a spring in our steps, don't they? I tell you, the day your grandma walked into my first class freshman year, I knew I was a goner. No hope for me."

  I knew exactly what he meant.

  "Be careful, though. Always treat her with love and respect."

  The haunted look in his eyes angered me. Not anger at him, but at the thought of what my father's action had done to him and Grandma. I hadn't been the only one left to deal with the aftermath, and my grandparents had borne the brunt of any backlash. "There's no other option for me, Granddad. I'll always treat her the way she deserves to be treated."