For Whom The Bell Tolls

by Эрнест Миллер Хемингуэй

  What a business. You go along your whole life and they seem as though they mean something and they always end up not meaning anything. There was never any of what this is. You think that is one thing that you will never have. And then, on a lousy show like this, co-ordinating two chicken-crut guerilla bands to help you blow a bridge under impossible conditions, to abort a counteroffensive that will probably already be started, you run into a girl like this Maria. Sure. That is what you would do. You ran into her rather late, that was all.

  So a woman like that Pilar practically pushed this girl into your sleeping bag and what happens? Yes, what happens? What happens? You tell me what happens, please. Yes. That is just what happens. That is exactly what happens.

  Don't lie to yourself about Pilar pushing her into your sleeping robe and try to make it nothing or to make it lousy. You were gone when you first saw her. When she first opened her mouth and spoke to you it was there already and you know it. Since you have it and you never thought you would have it, there is no sense throwing dirt at it, when you know what it is and you know it came the first time you looked at her as she came out bent over carrying that iron cooking platter.

  It hit you then and you know it and so why lie about it? You went all strange inside every time you looked at her and every time she looked at you. So why don't you admit it? All right, I'll admit it. And as for Pilar pushing her onto you, all Pilar did was be an intelligent woman. She had taken good care of the girl and she saw what was coming the minute the girl came back into the cave with the cooking dish.

  So she made things easier. She made things easier so that there was last night and this afternoon. She is a damned sight more civilized than you are and she knows what time is all about. Yes, he said to himself, I think we can admit that she has certain notions about the value of time. She took a beating and all because she did not want other people losing what she'd lost and then the idea of admitting it was lost was too big a thing to swallow. So she took a beating back there on the hill and I guess we did not make it any easier for her.

  Well, so that is what happens and what has happened and you might as well admit it and now you will never have two whole nights with her. Not a lifetime, not to live together, not to have what people were always supposed to have, not at all. One night that is past, once one afternoon, one night to come; maybe. No, sir.

  Not time, not happiness, not fun, not children, not a house, not a bathroom, not a clean pair of pajamas, not the morning paper, not to wake up together, not to wake and know she's there and that you're not alone. No. None of that. But why, when this is all you are going to get in life of what you want; when you have found it; why not just one night in a bed with sheets?

  You ask for the impossible. You ask for the ruddy impossible. So if you love this girl as much as you say you do, you had better love her very hard and make up in intensity what the relation will lack in duration and in continuity. Do you hear that? In the old days people devoted a lifetime to it. And now when you have found it if you get two nights you wonder where all the luck came from. Two nights. Two nights to love, honor and cherish. For better and for worse. In sickness and in death. No that wasn't it. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. In two nights. Much more than likely. Much more than likely and now lay off that sort of thinking. You can stop that now. That's not good for you. Do nothing that is not good for you. Sure that's it.

  This was what Golz had talked about. The longer he was around, the smarter Golz seemed. So this was what he was asking about; the compensation of irregular service. Had Golz had this and was it the urgency and the lack of time and the circumstances that made it? Was this something that happened to every one given comparable circumstances? And did he only think it was something special because it was happening to him? Had Golz slept around in a hurry when he was commanding irregular cavalry in the Red Army and had the combination of the circumstances and the rest of it made the girls seem the way Maria was?

  Probably Golz knew all about this too and wanted to make the point that you must make your whole life in the two nights that are given to you; that living as we do now you must concentrate all of that which you should always have into the short time that you can have it.

  It was a good system of belief. But he did not believe that Maria had only been made by the circumstances. Unless, of course, she is a reaction from her own circumstance as well as his. Her one circumstance is not so good, he thought. No, not so good.

  If this was how it was then this was how it was. But there was no law that made him say he liked it. I did not know that I could ever feel what I have felt, he thought. Nor that this could happen to me. I would like to have it for my whole life. You will, the other part of him said. You will. You have it now and that is all your whole life is; now. There is nothing else than now. There is neither yesterday, certainly, nor is there any tomorrow. How old must you be before you know that? There is only now, and if now is only two days, then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion. This is how you live a life in two days. And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get, you will have a good life. A good life is not measured by any biblical span.

  So now do not worry, take what you have, and do your work and you will have a long life and a very merry one. Hasn't it been merry lately? What are you complaining about? That's the thing about this sort of work, he told himself, and was very pleased with the thought, it isn't so much what you learn as it is the people you meet. He was pleased then because he was joking and he came back to the girl.

  "I love you, rabbit," he said to the girl. "What was it you were saying?"

  "I was saying," she told him, "that you must not worry about your work because I will not bother you nor interfere. If there is anything I can do you will tell me."

  "There's nothing," he said. "It is really very simple."

  "I will learn from Pilar what I should do to take care of a man well and those things I will do," Maria said. "Then, as I learn, I will discover things for myself and other things you can tell me."

  "There is nothing to do."

  "Que va, man, there is nothing! Thy sleeping robe, this morning, should have been shaken and aired and hung somewhere in the sun. Then, before the dew comes, it should be taken into shelter."

  "Go on, rabbit."

  "Thy socks should be washed and dried. I would see thee had two pair."

  "What else?"

  "If thou would show me I would clean and oil thy pistol."

  "Kiss me," Robert Jordan said.

  "Nay, this is serious. Wilt thou show me about the pistol? Pilar has rags and oil. There is a cleaning rod inside the cave that should fit it."

  "Sure. I'll show you."

  "Then," Maria said. "If you will teach me to shoot it either one of us could shoot the other and himself, or herself, if one were wounded and it were necessary to avoid capture."

  "Very interesting," Robert Jordan said. "Do you have many ideas like that?"

  "Not many," Maria said. "But it is a good one. Pilar gave me this and showed me how to use it," she opened the breast pocket of her shirt and took out a cut-down leather holder such as pocket combs are carried in and, removing a wide rubber band that closed both ends, took out a Gem type, single-edged razor blade. "I keep this always," she explained. "Pilar says you must make the cut here just below the ear and draw it toward here." She showed him with her finger. "She says there is a big artery there and that drawing the blade from there you cannot miss it. Also, she says there is no pain and you must simply press firmly below the ear and draw it downward. She says it is nothing and that they cannot stop it if it is done."

  "That's right," said Robert Jordan. "That's the carotid artery."

  So she goes around with that all the time, he thought, as a definitely accepted and properly organized possibility.

  "But I would rather have thee shoot me," Maria said. "Promise if there is ever any need that thou wilt shoot me."

  "Sure," Ro
bert Jordan said. "I promise."

  "Thank thee very much," Maria told him. "I know it is not easy to do."

  "That's all right," Robert Jordan said.

  You forget all this, he thought. You forget about the beauties of a civil war when you keep your mind too much on your work. You have forgotten this. Well, you are supposed to. Kashkin couldn't forget it and it spoiled his work. Or do you think the old boy had a hunch? It was very strange because he had experienced absolutely no emotion about the shooting of Kashkin. He expected that at some time he might have it. But so far there had been absolutely none.

  "But there are other things I can do for thee," Maria told him, walking close beside him, now, very serious and womanly.

  "Besides shoot me?"

  "Yes. I can roll cigarettes for thee when thou hast no more of those with tubes. Pilar has taught me to roll them very well, tight and neat and not spilling."

  "Excellent," said Robert Jordan. "Do you lick them yourself?"

  "Yes," the girl said, "and when thou art wounded I will care for thee and dress thy wound and wash thee and feed thee-"

  "Maybe I won't be wounded," Robert Jordan said.

  "Then when you are sick I will care for thee and make thee soups and clean thee and do all for thee. And I will read to thee."

  "Maybe I won't get sick."

  "Then I will bring thee coffee in the morning when thou wakest-"

  "Maybe I don't like coffee," Robert Jordan told her.

  "Nay, but you do," the girl said happily. "This morning you took two cups."

  "Suppose I get tired of coffee and there's no need to shoot me and I'm neither wounded nor sick and I give up smoking and have only one pair of socks and hang up my robe myself. What then, rabbit?" he patted her on the back. "What then?"

  "Then," said Maria, "I will borrow the scissors of Pilar and cut thy hair."

  "I don't like to have my hair cut."

  "Neither do I," said Maria. "And I like thy hair as it is. So. If there is nothing to do for thee, I will sit by thee and watch thee and in the nights we will make love."

  "Good," Robert Jordan said. "The last project is very sensible."

  "To me it seems the same," Maria smiled. "Oh, Ingles," she said.

  "My name is Roberto."

  "Nay. But I call thee Ingles as Pilar does."

  "Still it is Roberto."

  "No," she told him. "Now for a whole day it is Ingles. And Ingles, can I help thee with thy work?"

  "No. What I do now I do alone and very coldly in my head."

  "Good," she said. "And when will it be finished?"

  "Tonight, with luck."

  "Good," she said.

  Below them was the last woods that led to the camp.

  "Who is that?" Robert Jordan asked and pointed.

  "Pilar," the girl said, looking along his arm. "Surely it is Pilar."

  At the lower edge of the meadow where the first trees grew the woman was sitting, her head on her arms. She looked like a dark bundle from where they stood; black against the brown of the tree trunk.

  "Come on," Robert Jordan said and started to run toward her through the knee-high heather. It was heavy and hard to run in and when he had run a little way, he slowed and walked. He could see the woman's head was on her folded arms and she looked broad and black against the tree trunk. He came up to her and said, "Pilar!" sharply.

  The woman raised her head and looked up at him.

  "Oh," she said. "You have terminated already?"

  "Art thou ill?" he asked and bent down by her.

  "Que va," she said. "I was asleep."

  "Pilar," Maria, who had come up, said and kneeled down by her. "How are you? Are you all right?"

  "I'm magnificent," Pilar said but she did not get up. She looked at the two of them. "Well, Ingles," she said. "You have been doing manly tricks again?"

  "You are all right?" Robert Jordan asked, ignoring the words.

  "Why not? I slept. Did you?"

  "No."

  "Well," Pilar said to the girl. "It seems to agree with you."

  Maria blushed and said nothing.

  "Leave her alone," Robert Jordan said.

  "No one spoke to thee," Pilar told him. "Maria," she said and her voice was hard. The girl did not look up.

  "Maria," the woman said again. "I said it seems to agree with thee."

  "Oh, leave her alone," Robert Jordan said again.

  "Shut up, you," Pilar said without looking at him. "Listen, Maria, tell me one thing."

  "No," Maria said and shook her head.

  "Maria," Pilar said, and her voice was as hard as her face and there was nothing friendly in her face. "Tell me one thing of thy own volition."

  The girl shook her head.

  Robert Jordan was thinking, if I did not have to work with this woman and her drunken man and her chicken-crut outfit, I would slap her so hard across the face that-.

  "Go ahead and tell me," Pilar said to the girl.

  "No," Maria said. "No."

  "Leave her alone," Robert Jordan said and his voice did not sound like his own voice. I'll slap her anyway and the hell with it, he thought.

  Pilar did not even speak to him. It was not like a snake charming a bird, nor a cat with a bird. There was nothing predatory. Nor was there anything perverted about it. There was a spreading, though, as a cobra's hood spreads. He could feel this. He could feel the menace of the spreading. But the spreading was a domination, not of evil, but of searching. I wish I did not see this, Robert Jordan thought. But it is not a business for slapping.

  "Maria," Pilar said. "I will not touch thee. Tell me now of thy own volition."

  "De tu propia voluntad," the words were in Spanish.

  The girl shook her head.

  "Maria," Pilar said. "Now and of thy own volition. You hear me? Anything at all."

  "No," the girl said softly. "No and no."

  "Now you will tell me," Pilar told her. "Anything at all. You will see. Now you will tell me."

  "The earth moved," Maria said, not looking at the woman. "Truly. It was a thing I cannot tell thee."

  "So," Pilar said and her voice was warm and friendly and there was no compulsion in it. But Robert Jordan noticed there were small drops of perspiration on her forehead and her lips. "So there was that. So that was it."

  "It is true," Maria said and bit her lip.

  "Of course it is true," Pilar said kindly. "But do not tell it to your own people for they never will believe you. You have no Cali blood, Ingles?"

  She got to her feet, Robert Jordan helping her up.

  "No," he said. "Not that I know of."

  "Nor has the Maria that she knows of," Pilar said. "Pues es muy raro. It is very strange."

  "But it happened, Pilar," Maria said.

  "Como que no, hija?" Pilar said. "Why not, daughter? When I was young the earth moved so that you could feel it all shift in space and were afraid it would go out from under you. It happened every night."

  "You lie," Maria said.

  "Yes," Pilar said. "I lie. It never moves more than three times in a lifetime. Did it really move?"

  "Yes," the girl said. "Truly."

  "For you, Ingles?" Pilar looked at Robert Jordan. "Don't lie."

  "Yes," he said. "Truly."

  "Good," said Pilar. "Good. That is something."

  "What do you mean about the three times?" Maria asked. "Why do you say that?"

  "Three times," said Pilar. "Now you've had one."

  "Only three times?"

  "For most people, never," Pilar told her. "You are sure it moved?"

  "One could have fallen off," Maria said.

  "I guess it moved, then," Pilar said. "Come, then, and let us get to camp."

  "What's this nonsense about three times?" Robert Jordan said to the big woman as they walked through the pines together.

  "Nonsense?" she looked at him wryly. "Don't talk to me of nonsense, little English."

  "Is it a wizardry like the palms of the
hands?"

  "Nay, it is common and proven knowledge with Gitanos."

  "But we are not Gitanos."

  "Nay. But you have had a little luck. Non-gypsies have a little luck sometimes."

  "You mean it truly about the three times?"

  She looked at him again, oddly. "Leave me, Ingles," she said. "Don't molest me. You are too young for me to speak to."

  "But, Pilar," Maria said.

  "Shut up," Pilar told her. "You have had one and there are two more in the world for thee."

  "And you?" Robert Jordan asked her.

  "Two," said Pilar and put up two fingers. "Two. And there will never be a third."

  "Why not?" Maria asked.

  "Oh, shut up," Pilar said. "Shut up. Busnes of thy age bore me."

  "Why not a third?" Robert Jordan asked.

  "Oh, shut up, will you?" Pilar said. "Shut up!"

  All right, Robert Jordan said to himself. Only I am not having any. I've known a lot of gypsies and they are strange enough. But so are we. The difference is we have to make an honest living. Nobody knows what tribes we came from nor what our tribal inheritance is nor what the mysteries were in the woods where the people lived that we came from. All we know is that we do not know. We know nothing about what happens to us in the nights. When it happens in the day though, it is something. Whatever happened, happened and now this woman not only has to make the girl say it when she did not want to; but she has to take it over and make it her own. She has to make it into a gypsy thing. I thought she took a beating up the hill but she was certainly dominating just now back there. If it had been evil she should have been shot. But it wasn't evil. It was only wanting to keep her hold on life. To keep it through Maria.

  When you get through with this war you might take up the study of women, he said to himself. You could start with Pilar. She has put in a pretty complicated day, if you ask me. She never brought in the gypsy stuff before. Except the hand, he thought. Yes, of course the hand. And I don't think she was faking about the hand. She wouldn't tell me what she saw, of course. Whatever she saw she believed in herself. But that proves nothing.