Rescuing Julia Twice
Page 22
RAD children are very social in public. I always say “Julia works the room.” Others always remark she’s the “mayor of wherever.” RAD children vie for tons of attention. People who know RAD children recognize their insatiable need to interact—but herein lies the rub. The so-called interaction is usually a one-way street. The RAD child wants to be in control, he or she is more interested in performing or manipulating than in truly relating. Conversation is often a monologue. Because we are so aware of this, we do not let Julia exist on a separate plane. We don’t let her “entertain” us or take charge in a way where the end goal is manipulation or keeping herself at a distance. We work in a million ways to keep her at the center of things and to involve her in symbiotic relationships.
RAD children are reluctant to partake in ordinary tasks; they’re not helpful by nature. In our household, we have not set up “monetary” rewards for doing basic tasks. The message we send is everyone lives here, so everyone participates. There’s a lot of resistance, but we often warmly ask Julia, “Don’t you want to be a family member?” Even something as simple as having her wait at dinner for everyone to begin eating emphasizes that she is part of something bigger than herself. It is exhausting to do this day in, day out, but I believe we must constantly teach her that she is an “us” as well as an “I.”
I crave order and routine. I would have been inclined to raise a child with structure anyway, but doing so for a RAD child is key. Julia came from an orphanage where she’d learned to sleep and feed on schedule. When we brought her home, we strictly maintained routines, and to this day, they serve to give our family an antidote to chaos and upheaval. Having strong-rooted regimens grounds Julia. She likes having a bedtime, even at ten years old. She likes fresh-squeezed orange juice every morning, without fail, practicing her violin in the afternoon, and knowing that every weekend I plan a special excursion. She likes knowing what to expect.
RAD children—and many are exceptionally bright—can really get in the way of themselves. A lot of mental time is wasted on emotional turmoil; concentration can be challenging. While their conscious brain is focused on a task at hand, for example, subconsciously there is a roiling undercurrent that pulls them in another direction. If a moment feels too warm and cuddly, they feel squirmy, uneasy. Feeling good can make them feel bad. Reliance on another person rattles them. RAD parents need to vigilantly watch for that sudden shift in mood. When you know what to watch for, you see it instantly. If these children feel a loss of control, they’ll redirect positive energy in the wrong direction. When Julia acts up, we call her on it. We say, “Wouldn’t it be better to use your energy to attract? Don’t you think we’d pay more attention if you were saying something smart or doing something kind?” Over the years, she’s absorbed the distinction, and sometimes when she’s shifting and she hears these words, it’s the “learned behavior around positive actions” that helps her rescue herself in that moment.
With RAD children, you need to remind them time and again about the same thing, but that’s okay.
From our earliest endeavors with overcoming RAD, one of the most basic tenets we’ve used has been to show Julia a steely, stony reaction when she’s difficult and oppositional. We’ve long practiced responding to her in a composed, stoic, and steady way—most of the time. We’re not perfect, but RAD children fish for a big reaction, and giving them one allows them to reel in the prize: chaos. Ricky and I speak to one another with our eyes when we’re at the threshold of these episodes. We’ve learned to talk silently, to say, The storm is coming. Prepare! We’ve gotten good at this. Julia knows she’s dealing with a united front and one that is pretty cool and calm. After millions of attempts at creating chaos have been thwarted, Julia has “learned” that life at home is not going to be a tornado.
You need to be aware of what is going on in the child’s exterior and interior life as much as is possible—I suppose that’s advice for any parent. I clean her room and her backpack constantly. I stay on top of all her affairs. I ask her questions all day long. I let her know I know what’s going on. If I’m reading her correctly, and I think I am, it gives her tremendous pleasure to know someone’s got her back, even if I’m annoying. I have the uncanny ability to know what she’s thinking. Weirdly, that really thrills her, which I understand because I remember how comforting it was when I used to think my mother could read my thoughts.
Julia is entering middle school now. For three years, she’s made an unwavering declaration: “When I grow up, I want to be a teacher for special-needs children.” She’ll make a very fine teacher one day. I can’t even begin to account for what she’s taught me.
Acknowledgments
The seeds for my memoir were first planted in essays I wrote about Reactive Attachment Disorder for the New York Post, Adoptive Families Magazine, MaMaZina, Huffington Post, and many mama blogs. I thank all those editors for letting me put on my training wheels and test my story. I’d like to express my deep gratitude to my agent, Linda Konner, who believed in my story from the start and who fought tirelessly to sell my book. After reading the first eight chapters, Linda said, “I don’t have children, but this made me laugh and cry.” My heartfelt thanks goes out to Lisa Reardon, my editor at Chicago Review Press, who believed I had an important story to tell and who had the vision to see the relevance of this topic long before the whole world began talking about Russian president Vladimir Putin’s 2013 ban on allowing Americans to adopt Russian orphans. Thanks, too, are owed to all my writer friends along the way who’ve read pieces of my manuscript and especially to my friend and mentor, author Lynn Lauber, who has always been a guiding light. A special shout-out to Karen Gilbert, Julia’s violin teacher, who reviewed the manuscript as an early reader and a constructive critic. My heart spills with gratitude for the adoptive parents who tell me their stories and who thank me for sharing mine in a public way. Finally, and most of all, I’d like to thank my husband, Rick Tannenbaum, who is my partner in every endeavor. Without his unerring support, input, and patience, this book would not have come to life.
Resources
ORGANIZATIONS THAT HELP WITH REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER
ATTACh
Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children
PO Box 19122
Minneapolis, MN 55419
Phone: (612) 861-4222
Fax: (612) 866-5499
Website: www.attach.org
E-mail: questions@attach.org
Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc.
PO Box 164
Jefferson, MD 21755
Phone: (888) 656-9806
Crisis hotline: (888) 656-9806
Website: www.attachmenttraumanetwork.com
E-mail: membership@attachtrauma.org
The Institute for Attachment and Child Development
5911 S. Middlefield Rd., Suite 103
Littleton, CO 80123
Phone: (303) 674-1910
Fax: (303) 670-3983
Website: www.instituteforattachment.org
E-mail: Forrest@instituteforattachment.org
radKIDS, Inc.
9 New Venture Dr., Unit 4
South Dennis, MA 02660
Phone: (508) 760-2080
Toll-free: (888) 482-1118
Fax: (508) 760-2089
Website: www.radkids.org
E-mail: radKIDS@radKIDS.org
Ranch for Kids
PO Box 790
Eureka, MT 59917
Phone: (406) 889-3106
Website: www.ranchforkids.org
E-mail: info@ranchforkids.org
PROFESSIONAL SERVICES
American Academy of Adoption Attorneys
PO Box 33053
Washington, DC 20033
Phone: (202) 832-2222
Website: www.adoptionattorneys.org
E-mail: info@adoptionattorneys.org
American Academy of Pediatrics
141 Northwest Point Blvd.
Elk Grove Village
, IL 60007-1098
Phone: (847) 434-4000
Toll-free: (800) 433-9016
Fax: (847) 434-8000
Website: www.aap.org
E-mail: csc@aap.org
Attachment & Bonding Center of Ohio
12608 State Rd., Suite 1
Cleveland, OH 44133
Phone: (440) 230-1960
Fax: (440) 230-1965
Website: www.abcofohio.net
Center for Cognitive-Developmental Assessment & Remediation
Psychological Services for Internationally Adopted Children
Dr. Boris Gindis
13 S. Van Dyke Ave.
Airmont, NY 10901
Phone: (845) 533-4300
Website: www.bgcenter.com
E-mail: systemadministrator@bgcenter.com
Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
120 East 38th St.
New York, NY 10016
Phone: (212) 925-4089
Fax: (775) 796-6592
Website: www.adoptioninstitute.org
E-mail: info@adoptioninstitute.org
Dr. Ronald S. Federici
9532 Liberia Ave., Suite 727
Manassas, VA 20110
Phone: (703) 830-6052
Website: www.drfederici.com
E-mail: drfederici@aol.com
International Adoption Clinic
University of Minnesota
Discovery Clinic
2450 Riverside Ave.
Minneapolis, MN 55454
Phone: (612) 624-1164
Fax: (612) 625-2920
Website: www.peds.umn.edu/iac/
E-mail: iac@umn.edu
International Pediatric Health Services, PLLC
Dr. Jane Aronson, FAAP
128 Maplewood Ave.
Maplewood, NJ 07040
Phone: (973) 763-3762
Fax: (973) 763-8640
Website: www.orphandoctor.com
E-mail: OrphanDoctor@gmail.com
TCU Institute of Child Development
2955 S. University Dr., Winton-Scott Hall #255
Fort Worth, TX 76109
Phone: (817) 257-7415
Website: www.child.tcu.edu/
E-mail: child@tcu.edu
GOVERNMENT AGENCIES
American Adoption Congress
1000 Connecticut Ave. NW, Suite 9
Washington, DC 20036
Phone: (202) 483-3399
Website: www.americanadoptioncongress.org
Intercounty Adoption Bureau of Consular Affairs
US Department of State
SA-29
2201 C St. NW
Washington, DC 20520
Phone: (888) 407-4747
Fax: (202) 736-9080
Website: www.adoption.state.gov
E-mail: AskCI@state.gov
Joint Council on International Children’s Services
117 S. Saint Asaph St.
Alexandria, VA 22314-3119
Phone: (703) 535-8045
Fax: (703) 535-8049
Website: www.jointcouncil.org
E-mail: info@jointcouncil.org
ONLINE MAGAZINES AND WEBSITES ON ADOPTION
Adopting.com
Phone: (650) 493-7337
Website: www.adopting.com
E-mail: info@adopting.com
Adoption.com
1745 S. Alma School Rd., Suite 215
Mesa, AZ 85210
Phone: (480) 446-0500
Website: www.adoption.com
E-mail: info@adoption.com
Adoption Today & Fostering Families Today Magazines
541 E. Garden Dr., Unit N
Windsor, CO 80550
Phone: (970) 686-7412
Fax: (970) 686-7412
Toll-free: 888-924-6736
Website: www.adoptinfo.net
Adoption Voices Magazine
Website: www.adoptionvoicesmagazine.com
E-mail: ballback@cox.net
Adoptive Families Magazine
39 W. 37th St., 15th Floor
New York, NY 10018
Phone: (646) 366-0830
Subscriptions: 800-372-3300
Fax: (646) 366-0842
Website: www.adoptivefamilies.com
Website: www.theadoptionguide.com
E-mail: community@adoptivefamilies.com
Attachment Disorder Site
Website: www.attachmentdisorder.net
Attachment.org
Nancy Thomas Parenting
PO Box 2812
Glenwood Springs, CO 81602
Phone: (970) 984-2222
Website: www.attachment.org
E-mail: shaye@attachment.org
Helpguide.org
Website: www.helpguide.org/mental/parenting_bonding_reactive_attachment_disorder.htm
RainbowKids
PO Box 202
Harvey, LA 70059
Website: www.rainbowkids.com
E-mail: martha@rainbowkids.com
Tapestry Books
PO Box 651
Ringoes, NJ 08551
Phone: (877) 266-5406
Fax: (609) 737-5951
Website: www.tapestrybooks.com
E-mail: info@tapestrybooks.com
SUPPORT AND ADVOCACY GROUPS
ARIA
Association for Research in International Adoption
University of Alabama, Birmingham
NB 320
Birmingham, AL 35293-1210
Phone: (205) 934-0630
Website: www.adoption-research.org
E-mail: teena@adoption-research.org
EEAC
Eastern European Adoption Coalition, Inc.
1075 Easton Ave., PMB 163
Somerset, NJ 08873
Phone: (732) 791-4606
Fax: (732) 791-4606
Website: www.eeadopt.org
FRUA
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
PO Box 2944
Merrifield, VA 22116
Phone: (703) 560-6184
Fax: (413) 480-8257
Website: www.frua.org
E-mail: info@frua.org
TINA TRASTER is an award-winning journalist whose work has appeared in scores of newspapers, magazines, and literary journals including the New York Times, New York Post, Time Out New York, the Daily Beast, Huffington Post, Family Circle, Parade, Audubon, and many more. She lives in Valley Cottage, New York.
MELISSA FAY GREENE is the award-winning author of five books of nonfiction, including There Is No Me Without You, about the HIV/AIDS African orphan crisis, and No Biking in the House Without a Helmet, about raising her family. She and her husband are the parents of nine children: four by birth and five by adoption.
Jacket design: Rebecca Lown
Front cover photos:
(top) Courtesy of Tina Traster;
(bottom) © Gideon Mendel/Corbis
Author photo: Christian Johnston
Printed in the United States of America