Dancing Over the Hill

by Cathy Hopkins

  Tom laughed. ‘Can we get a drink together? Good idea.’

  ‘No. This is where I live. What if someone saw us? Someone who knows Matt? Or me? Tom, you mustn’t come to Bath again.’

  ‘Are you saying you won’t consider my proposal?’

  ‘You mean an affair?’

  ‘I mean explore what we have and see where it takes us.’

  ‘I …’

  Tom stood up. ‘I’ll go. You probably need time to take all this in but, before I do, I must say, this is not the kind of thing I do regularly—’

  ‘Regularly?’ I felt a shadow of doubt creeping in. Did Tom regularly have affairs?

  ‘Bad choice of word, not regularly, I mean this is not the kind of thing I do at all. I don’t make a habit of pursuing married women but I know what we had. I can feel what we could have and life is short. You have to grasp it by the short and curlies.’

  ‘No need to be rude.’

  He laughed again. ‘When you’re ready, let me know. I have a house in Majorca up in the hills near Deia. You could come there. It’s beautiful. I’ll be going back and forth over the next two months. Or we could meet here in the UK. Your call, and if you decided to stay with me, you wouldn’t need to work. I have money, you could write or paint, whatever you wanted.’

  ‘You’re insane.’

  ‘Part of my charm.’

  ‘The devil sent you.’

  Tom laughed again. ‘Yes, to tempt you into evil ways.’

  ‘Our situations are very different. As I keep telling you, I’m still married. You’re not.’

  ‘True. It’s up to you whether you wish to explore whether you want to remain in that marriage. Your choice. When can I see you next?’

  ‘I … I’m not sure, Tom. I need to think about this. Pinch myself. Make sure I haven’t dreamt you up. First of all, I need to get to know you again. How do I know I could trust you?’ I was shocked to hear myself even saying the words, as if what he was proposing was an option.

  ‘What do you want to know?’

  ‘Everything. Tell me about your life, your family, favourite food, everything.’

  ‘My favourite food is seafood paella, a dish that I cook rather well, even though I say so myself and the rest, well, I can tell you next time.’

  I glanced at my watch. ‘I have to go.’

  ‘Go? Where?’

  ‘Home then my yoga class. I have a life, you know.’ Actually I had plenty of time before the class but I needed to get away, think about what was happening.

  ‘OK, and I know I might have seemed impetuous driving down here today, but I wanted to say what I did in person, not in cyberspace, on Facebook or by email. Take your time to think it over. Did you drive here?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I’ll walk you to your car,’ he said.

  We got up and he put his arm around my shoulder as we walked towards the park exit. ‘Relax, Cait. I won’t push you into anything you don’t want to do but I had to state my case.’

  Ahead in the distance, I spotted a woman entering the park. She had a dog with her and turned away, for a moment, fussing with the dog’s lead. I knew that figure. It was Claire, the woman who led the Saturday walking group that I sometimes went to, and her Irish terrier, Rufus. She lived in Lorna’s village.

  ‘Get down now!’ I said. I pushed Tom’s arm away from my shoulder as if it was burning and almost knocked him over.

  He looked startled. ‘Down?’

  ‘On the grass,’ I said, and dived behind a tree. He looked around, puzzled, and followed me.

  ‘What on earth are you doing?’

  ‘Hiding. Christ, I knew this would happen. Someone I know is coming.’

  ‘So introduce us.’

  ‘No way. Get over there. Lie on the grass.’

  Tom burst out laughing but did as he was told. ‘For a minute there, I thought you were making me an offer; either that or you’d come over all dominatrix.’

  ‘I’m serious, Tom. On the ground. Now! Close your eyes. Quick.’

  Tom did as he was told and lay on the grass on his front. ‘Why am I on the ground?’ he called. ‘She doesn’t know me.’

  ‘Best be safe,’ I called back.

  He didn’t look out of place. All over the park, people were snoozing in the sun. I stayed behind the tree and peeked out along the path. I could see Claire approaching and, thankfully, she didn’t seem to be looking our way. As she got nearer, I shuffled around the tree away from her so I couldn’t see her but I could hear her footsteps, hear her talking to her dog.

  ‘No, no, come away,’ I heard her say. ‘So sorry. He’s only being curious. He won’t bite.’

  ‘No problem,’ I heard Tom say. ‘I like dogs.’

  What? I didn’t dare look around this time. She was too close.

  I heard Claire laugh. A girlie, flirty laugh. This time, I did dare to peer round. Hell. The dog was sniffing at Tom and Claire was flicking her hair and sticking out her chest in the way that some women do when they fancy a man. ‘And where’s home?’

  ‘London presently,’ said Tom.

  ‘Oh, so you’re visiting here?’ asked Claire.

  ‘I am. Visiting a friend.’

  ‘Oh, and just having a break in the park?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Tom. ‘Fancied some fresh air and a bit of green space.’

  He needs some space, Claire, you nosey cow, get it? Get the message? Clear off.

  ‘I know how it is. OK. I’ll leave you to your snooze and your fresh air. Sorry about Rufus.’

  ‘No problem.’

  ‘Might see you on the way back.’

  ‘Bye Rufus,’ called Tom.

  She walked on. Phew. As I heard her footsteps recede, I shuffled back round the tree. I looked around in the hope that no one had spotted me but most people seemed to be going about their business, apart from a man in the distance who appeared to be watching me. I rubbed the tree bark as if I was interested in it. Hopefully, he’d think I was some kind of tree maintenance person.

  ‘Coast is clear,’ Tom called after a few minutes, so I moved from the tree to behind a shrub.

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked as I peeked out from the leaves.

  ‘Sure.’ Tom was sitting up on the ground, clearly very amused by it all. ‘What was all that for?’

  ‘She might have seen us together.’

  ‘We could have walked separately. She wouldn’t know me, wouldn’t know we’d been meeting. I could have been a stranger in the park, walking behind you. We weren’t doing anything.’

  ‘Sorry. Panicked. Haven’t ever done anything like this. See. I’d be hopeless at having an affair. I think you need to go and find a more sophisticated woman.’

  ‘I’d rather have you. More fun,’ he said as he stood up and came over to remove a leaf from my hair.

  ‘I’m not sure it’s fun. We went from Brief Encounter to a Carry On film in the space of half an hour. I live a quiet life normally.’

  He took a step closer. I took one back and pointed towards the gate to our right. ‘Go. Now.’

  ‘But you’ll let me know?’

  ‘I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise at the moment.’

  ‘I’ll go then, but reluctantly. Might even have a look around Bath while I’m here. Call me soon.’

  He walked off in the opposite direction and I began to make my way back to my car.

  After a few moments, I was approached by a park warden. ‘Just a moment, madam.’

  I stopped and glanced around to make sure Claire was nowhere near. ‘Yes, can I help you?’

  It was the man who’d been watching me when I was behind the tree. ‘I couldn’t help but notice your behaviour back there. Behind the tree? Is there anything you need help with?’

  ‘Me? Oh god no,’ I said in a high voice. ‘I …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I … I’m interested in photography. Tree barks. Textures in nature. They’re fascinating, aren’t they? All so
different.’

  ‘So where’s your camera?’

  ‘In my bag, on my phone. I was just looking at that tree. Very interesting markings. I’ll come back and photograph it when I’ve got my good camera.’

  The warden looked at me closely. ‘OK. On your way then.’

  I shot off as fast as I could to the safety of my car. What the hell was that? I thought as I drove home.

  When I got back, I went straight upstairs to call Lorna, but her phone was on message so I went to Facebook and looked at Tom’s page. ‘You are the devil,’ I said to his profile picture. There were no longer violins at the sight of him, no doves, no rose petals falling from the sky, just an almighty bucket of cold water poured over me, shocking me back to reality. Of course it was ridiculous to even consider his proposal, but it felt like some force had called my bluff. Life had turned right round and said, OK Cait, so you’re dissatisfied? Well here’s your chance to do something about that. Take it or leave it. But I could never walk away from my life and all that was familiar to take a chance on a man I hardly knew any more, could I?

  What’s the alternative? I asked myself. Years of silence with Matt as we get older, the distance between us growing larger? The Antiques Roadshow on TV? Weekly Sainsbury’s shops, supper nights with my friends? I was too old to throw up all that I knew. Wasn’t I?

  I pulled out my mobile again and texted Lorna. Need to talk. Urgent.

  I pulled a muscle at yoga doing the Cobra, but did manage the Dead Dog, a new position I have created myself which involves lying on my back with my legs and arms hanging in the air.

  When I got home, I checked my phone to see if Lorna had got my message. No reply.

  21

  Cait

  I was awoken by my mobile pinging that I had a message. Matt was still asleep so I got up and crept into the bathroom.

  Am up. What’s so urgent? Lorna.

  I texted back. Will Skype you.

  Checking that Matt was still out for the count, I got my laptop from my study, took it downstairs, went to Skype and called. Lorna was there at her kitchen table, still in her PJs.

  She looked sleepy. ‘Has something happened? Is it one of the boys? Matt? Are you OK?’

  ‘God no, nothing like that. Sorry if it sounded so urgent but … it is in a way.’

  ‘OK. Spill.’

  ‘Tom Lewis has been in touch.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘I went to see him in London then he came to see me.’

  ‘He came to Bath?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Lorna didn’t look fazed but she sighed. ‘I did wonder if you’d see him after you’d accepted him as a friend on Facebook.’

  ‘He’s in London presently. His mother died and he’s sorting out the family house, probate, that sort of thing.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And … oh, I loved seeing him, Lorna, I felt like I’d come alive again—’

  ‘The connection was still there?’

  ‘Oh yes.’

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘Nothing’s happened.’

  ‘But it could.’

  ‘Yes. No. Maybe. I’ve never felt so confused in my life. His philosophy was always seize the day, always seek the adventure. Well, he wants me to do just that. He said he still felt something between us and he wasn’t wrong. He’s proposed that we get to know each other again, see where it takes us.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I know. Oh.’

  ‘Cait, you’re not seriously considering this are you?’

  ‘That’s just it. I didn’t think I would but I am. I can’t help it. Like my head says no, be sensible, and some other part of me says why not? Life is short. That’s why I wanted to talk to you.’

  ‘Does Matt have any inkling of this? Does he know you’ve seen Tom?’

  ‘No to both questions. He has no idea, but you know that we haven’t been happy for a long time, not really.’

  Lorna looked concerned. ‘Matt’s a good man.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘How do you think he’d feel?’

  ‘Hurt, shocked even.’ I felt guilty as I said the words.

  ‘Oh dear. Cait, take this very slowly. It’s come so out of the blue and has found you at a particularly vulnerable time.’

  ‘What do you mean? Vulnerable?’

  ‘It’s only a year since you lost your mother and Eve. I know everyone advised me not to make any major decisions after Alistair died. Grief is different for everyone and has no time limit.’

  ‘Grief?’

  ‘Yes. Don’t underestimate how it’s affected you.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s had anything to do with Matt and me growing apart, or Tom reappearing.’

  ‘Maybe not but—’

  ‘I don’t want to say no to Tom then spend the rest of my life regretting it and resenting Matt.’

  ‘OK, so what if you had an affair with Tom and it didn’t work out? There’d be no going back. Once the trust has gone, it’s very hard to get it back, and divorce is a very messy business.’

  ‘I know. I don’t know what’s come over me lately. I seem to be dissatisfied with everything.’

  ‘Don’t be too hard on yourself, Cait. Losing people you love throws everything up in the air. You start questioning what it’s all about, what you’re doing, as well as have a heightened sense of your own mortality which is probably exactly why Tom’s “seize the day, let’s have an adventure” take on life appeals to you.’

  I nodded. ‘He said that with the death of both of his parents, he’s been reminded of his own mortality.’

  ‘Yes, but no need to go off the deep end. Please, Cait, don’t do anything you’ll regret. You have to be a hundred per cent sure. Think about your boys. Separation could bring up a lot of anger and resentment on their part, even though they’ve left home. They love their dad. Take it very very slowly. Don’t make any decisions, not just yet. It’s far too soon. If Tom’s really serious, he’ll wait for you.’

  ‘Do you think I am a terrible person for even considering this?’

  ‘Cait, whatever you decide, I’ll support you the best I can.’

  ‘I knew you’d understand.’

  ‘Well, I do and I don’t. I agree, we must seize the day. People do outgrow each other. Relationships do change but—’

  ‘I know. Thirty years shared history is a lot to throw away.’

  ‘It is.’

  ‘Will you talk to Debs about it?’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘I’d let her in if I were you. She’s your friend too. Look, let me think about this and I’ll get back to you; in the meantime, don’t do anything in a hurry.’

  ‘Thanks and sorry it’s all been me, me, me. How are you? What’s happening?’

  ‘I’m fine. I’m meeting with some builders today. I have plans! I’ll tell you all about them next time I see you. Speak soon, coffee beckons.’ She waved goodbye and clicked off.

  I closed my laptop. This morning not even watching Facebook clips of dog rescues or finding my Celtic legend name held any lure. I went up to check if Matt was still asleep. He was, so I went back to the kitchen, made a cup of tea and sat down to make a list of things to do.

  Goals for the week:

  Make final touches to spare rooms. Advertise on website. Prepare to receive paying guests. If we could remove some of the financial pressure on us, that would definitely help things along.

  Continue work on bestselling, award-winning, original, brilliant and unique book and not worry about getting it published.

  Buy gorgeous new underwear fit for a steamy affair. No. No. I didn’t think that. Oh god, I did, didn’t I?

  Try not to go mad.

  At midday, I went up to my study and saw that there was an email from Lorna.

  From: Lornaalp@org.com

  To: Cait@grmail.com

  My dear Cait

  I’ve given your situation a lot of thought this morning and this is my advice. Give Matt a chance. Giv
e your marriage a chance. Really work on it. While you think about this proposal of Tom’s, pull out all the stops to get your marriage back on track and, if at the end of the period of time you give yourselves, if you still feel it’s not working, then, and only then, see where things go with Tom. You mentioned that Tom is around in the UK for about three months, so take that time, or however long you need – see it as a challenge and rise to it and in that way you will also be giving you and Matt a chance, but don’t drag it out because indecision can be unsettling and exhausting.

  Another point to consider. I am going to be the voice of reason for a moment, not of romance. None of us is getting any younger. Is Tom the kind of man who would look after you as you sail into your seventies and eighties? Who knows what’s around the corner for any of us? (Cheerful!) What if you were ill? God forbid, but I know Matt would care for you. Would Tom? I know that’s no reason to stay with someone, to have a carer but just saying … Does Tom just want ‘young’ Cait who was full of life, fit and healthy?

  And what about the other way round? Would you be prepared to care for Tom if anything happened to him? Dribbly Tom? Toothless Tom? Incontinent Tom? Arthritic Tom? Or do you want young, fit and healthy Tom? Sorry, getting carried away, but you get what I’m saying? I know, not exactly the stuff of romance, but worth thinking about. Once the first frisson fades and it’s down to the joys of a real life together – the picking up of unwashed socks and laundry, seeing each other first thing in the morning again and again … feelings can change. Desire changes into familiarity, both of which we crave but are polar opposites and often one can wipe out the other.

  And now, the voice of romance – better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I know many who have said they would prefer to have a few years of the joy of a heightened love affair than many years of stagnation. The exceptional versus the mundane. I had the exceptional with Alistair, and if you really believe you have the same with Tom and not Matt, then I would never stand in your way. So either make it work with Matt or move on. I remember when I first met you and how happy you were with Matt. He grounded you, gave you security, and in that you flourished. Could Tom offer the same, or would there always be that fear that he might drift off for another adventure if he got bored?