More Precious than a Crown

by Carol Marinelli

  Trinity hadn’t been there.

  She was here now, though, and Zahid spoke on.

  ‘I thought that it was the bride’s prerogative to be late.’

  ‘You know how I loathe tradition.’

  ‘Does that mean we shan’t be dancing later?’ Zahid asked, and she turned to his slow smile. ‘Given how you loathe tradition.’

  Oh!

  Trinity blinked for it was as if he didn’t know she was dead inside, as if he didn’t know that her frigid body no longer worked, yet it felt now as if it did, for a pulse was working high in her neck—Trinity could feel it, and her stomach was fluttering as it had years before on that night.

  With Zahid beside her, she could remember the beauty, rather than dwell on the pain.

  ‘I suppose we shall...’ Trinity sighed, as if dancing with Zahid would be a huge concession. ‘I’d hate to cause trouble.’

  ‘Liar,’ Zahid said, and his hand met the small of her back as he guided her out of the vestry.

  With one brief exchange, with that small touch, she was back in the woods, innocent and unfurling to his hand, and it was actually dizzying to walk behind Yvette and Donald and through the congregation. More than that, it was exhilarating to step outside into the sun and, on the day Trinity had been dreading, she felt her heart soaring like the bells that rang out around them.

  To be, for the first time, at such a function and be just a little bit taken care of, for Zahid’s duty now was not just to the groom, was, to Trinity, amazing.

  He stood for the wedding photos and even made the unbearable a touch less so as the family all gathered around.

  ‘Smile, Trinity,’ he said out of the corner of his mouth, and she forgot the shiver of dread that Clive was near.

  ‘You don’t,’ she pointed out, and then frowned at her own words because Zahid smiled so readily when their eyes met and held.

  ‘It is not in my nature to smile.’

  For some reason that made her giggle just enough for the photographer to get his shot and then they piled into cars and they met at the hotel.

  As the bride and groom entered, one look at her very relaxed brother and Trinity knew that Donald must be on something.

  Please, no, Trinity begged in her head.

  He had promised her he was over that now.

  She and Zahid sat at opposite ends of the top table and though she wished they were sitting next to each other, maybe it was for the best, Trinity thought, for just knowing he was here was distracting enough.

  Anyway, they’d no doubt run out of conversation within two minutes, though she was dying to know what he was up to and desperate to know if he was seeing someone.

  Surely not, Trinity consoled herself, because back in the vestry Zahid had definitely been flirting.

  She struggled through the meal, her reward that awaited her dance with him, and soon enough it was time for the speeches.

  To his credit, Zahid did unbend a fraction and asked for some sparkling water for the toasts!

  God, he was so controlled, so well behaved, Trinity thought, stretching her legs under the table and slipping off her shoes as the speeches started and doing her best not to yawn, not because she was bored by the speeches but because jet-lag was starting to seriously hit.

  Yvette’s father went first, thanking everyone and saying how thrilled he was to welcome Donald into the family. Zahid’s face was impassive but he privately thought that Yvette’s father had the look of a man who had brought home a puppy for the children only to realise it was going to grow into the size of a small horse.

  It was the small horse’s turn next and Zahid watched as Yvette scratched anxiously at her neck as her very new husband took to his feet.

  Donald thanked everyone too, especially his beautiful wife. ‘I’d like to thank Zahid for all his help and for travelling so far to be here.’ Donald smiled a loaded smile. ‘You’ve been an excellent best man and I hope to return the favour when it is your turn to marry next year.’

  Zahid’s jaw clamped down as Donald rambled on and he glanced over at Trinity. Her cheeks were red, an angry red, and she was dribbling salt on her sorbet.

  He hadn’t wanted her to hear his news like that.

  As Donald proposed a toast to the bridesmaids, Zahid watched as Trinity raised her glass...

  But to a passing waiter.

  Oh, Trinity.

  He wanted to go over and halt her, to whisk her away, to explain that she had misunderstood.

  It was the truth, though.

  And this early in the evening the truth hurt them both.

  Zahid duly stood and thanked the groom for his words on behalf of the bridesmaids, though privately he’d have liked to knock him out. Then he thanked everyone else that he had to and said all the things that a best man should, but then it came to the part where Donald should star, where this future king should demure and ensure that the groom shone.

  ‘Donald and I...’ Zahid glanced at his notes and then faltered, and Trinity looked up at the brief hesitation as Zahid silently recalled a teenage incident and saw it now through the eyes of a man.

  They were your drugs.

  He could see it so clearly now and yet here he stood, all these years later, paying the price for Donald’s supposed valour.

  Well, no more.

  ‘Donald and I...’ Zahid resumed his speech but he was not looking at his notes now ‘...attended the same school and later were students at the same university.’ Trinity heard her father’s cough in an attempt to prompt Zahid, and she looked at her brother’s expectant face, but the glory never came. Zahid went on to recall a few antidotes and all in all it was a very nice speech—he just forgot to paint Donald as the hero in Zahid’s life.

  False duty had been more than repaid.

  And so to the dancing.

  Zahid stood over Trinity, waiting for her to join him on the floor, but it was a touch more complicated than standing for Trinity, because her already tight shoes refused to go back on, but finally she forced her feet into them. ‘The things I do for my family,’ Trinity said, as he led her to the floor. ‘Not that they appreciate it.’

  ‘I am appreciative...’ Zahid said, as he loosely held her and they started to dance and she waited for him to finish his sentence.

  He didn’t.

  ‘Of what?’ Trinity prompted. ‘You are appreciative of what?’

  ‘That you are here,’ Zahid said. ‘That we see each other again after all this time.’

  They both knew it was running out for them and there was no tail wind to help them catch up, no buttons to push that could change things.

  Except he pushed the right ones.

  Zahid was the only man who did.

  ‘I loved your speech,’ Trinity said, her words a little stilted, for she was cross with Zahid for flirting when he was about to be wed. Yet she was cross only from the neck up. Her body had seemed to overlook the fact he would soon be marrying the very second that she was in his arms.

  ‘You’re the only one who liked it. Your father looks as if he wants to kill me.’

  ‘It’s me he’s shooting daggers at!’ Trinity looked to the right and smiled sweetly at her father. ‘I was late, you know?’

  ‘You were.’

  ‘And not looking out for my brother.’

  Zahid looked down to those blue eyes again and wondered how much she knew, for he was sure that Donald was high. ‘Is it nice to see your brother happy?’

  ‘Donald wouldn’t know what happy was if it was hand delivered and he had to sign for it.’ She looked over at Donald, who was smiling and laughing to his bride. ‘He’s loaded,’ Trinity said. ‘Nothing changes.’

  ‘You?’ Zahid said.

  ‘I don’t go near anything like that.’

  ‘I meant,’ Zahid corrected himself, ‘are you happy?’

  ‘Not today,’ Trinity said, then it was she who corrected herself. ‘Actually, right now I am.’

  ‘Because?’

 
‘Because,’ Trinity said, because in his arms she actually was and, no, she should not be flirting, she had been called a tease so very many times when she was unable to follow through, but she just needed one lovely thing to focus on, just the teeniest bit of help to get through the night and, for good or bad, Zahid was it.

  ‘Because?’ he said into her ear, and it was then that she succumbed.

  ‘Because my brother has excellent taste in groomsmen.’

  ‘His bride has terrible taste in dresses.’

  ‘She does,’ Trinity sighed. ‘Though in fairness my mother would have lied about my measurements. She prefers me with an eating disorder, it makes her a more visible martyr...’

  Trinity was, Zahid decided, rather wise.

  ‘I’m supposed to be singing later,’ Trinity said, and her hands moved up and linked behind his neck and, yes, they were back in the woods again. ‘As I said to my mother, my name isn’t Trinity Von Trapp.’ She went to explain, because he probably had no idea what she was talking about, but then she remembered a long-ago Christmas and Dianne forcing them to watch the Sound of Music and Trinity giggling at Zahid’s somewhat bemused expression.

  More than that, though, somehow he got her—she did not have to explain everything to Zahid.

  ‘Rolfe might join you,’ he said into her ear, and though Zahid would no more sing than fly to the moon a smile played on her lips as she pulled her head back, just enough that her back arched in just a little and Zahid’s tongue rolled to his cheek as something else stirred to her words.

  ‘I prefer the captain.’

  It was a tiny dirty dance, but with words. The heat from his palms was surely searing her dress and the way he simply let her be had her breathing freely for the first time since she could remember. With Zahid her body seemed to know how to work. He induced only pleasure and made it safe to be a touch wanton.

  Then she remembered she was cross with him.

  As the music ended, instead of sinking in for another dance, she pulled back.

  ‘I’d better go and see how Yvette is.’

  ‘I will check on the groom.’ He gave a small nod. ‘Perhaps later we dance...’

  Trinity gave a tight smile as she walked off but she felt conflicted. No doubt Zahid thought her a party girl, no doubt he assumed where the night was leading.

  He could never guess that she felt ill at the very thought of sex.

  Only she didn’t feel ill in his arms.

  Trinity wanted to get back to him, only Yvette was teary and she either had raging cystitis or her bladder was the size of a thimble or more likely she really was pregnant, because she wanted to go to the loo on the hour every hour and Trinity had to help with the dress.

  ‘Your brother...’ Yvette was trying to tame her angry cheeks with Trinity’s foundation. ‘I just got a call from the hotel—he hasn’t paid the reservation fee...’

  ‘I’m sure it’s just a mix-up,’ Trinity suitably soothed.

  She was quite sure to the contrary, though.

  The night wore on and the only time they met was when Dianne introduced Trinity to a group that Zahid was in and, of course, one of them had to ask what she was doing with her degree.

  ‘I’m thinking of moving to France.’ Trinity beamed, deciding that it might not be such a bad idea actually and feeling her mother’s tension beside her, ‘but right now I work in a library at a large college—’

  ‘The reference section,’ Dianne interrupted, and Zahid watched the daggers that shot from Trinity’s eyes.

  Dianne was determined that Trinity would sing and trying to escape the inevitable, true to form, Trinity slipped outside for some air.

  Zahid wasn’t faring much better. All night Donald insisted on introducing him to everyone as his best friend from way back and slapping Zahid on the back as he did so.

  It came as no surprise when Donald pulled Zahid aside near the end of the night and asked if he might have a word.

  ‘I know that you’re flying back after lunch tomorrow and that we might not get another chance to speak,’ Donald said.

  ‘You don’t have to entertain me on your wedding night.’ Zahid tried to smile, tried to keep things light, tried not to like this man any less than he now did.

  ‘And I know that you’ve always been a great friend to me, as I hope I have to you.’ They were your drugs, Zahid said again in his head, but he remained silent as Donald spoke on. ‘The thing is, Zahid...’ And Zahid listened as, again, Donald asked him to help—that if he could just take care of the honeymoon, then as soon as Donald was back he would repay him.

  ‘I am not paying for your honeymoon.’ Zahid interrupted the familiar tirade but with its latest twist. ‘What I will pay for is three months of rehabilitation.’

  ‘That’s really generous but if I could just get these debts paid then I wouldn’t need rehab. All I’m asking—’

  ‘I have told you what I am prepared to do. I have heard of a good clinic near Texas. A family friend had their son go there...’

  ‘I’ve just got married I can hardly disappear on Yvette...’

  ‘I would say that you have been absent from your relationship for quite some time,’ Zahid said, refusing to be swayed. It was clear from looking at Yvette that Donald would soon be a father—it was time, then, that he grew up. ‘If you go to rehab, I will take care of your debts.’

  ‘Zahid, please, can you just—?’

  ‘No.’

  Zahid refused to negotiate.

  ‘I will speak with the accounting firm that I use in the UK. The offer is there so long as you are prepared to meet my conditions.’

  ‘You can afford to help me out without blinking.’

  ‘That has nothing to do with it. Even if I had no money but you were determined to change, I would take a loan to pay for your treatment. I will not be used. You can work for a better life, or you can torch what you have. You choose.’

  ‘Some friend!’ Donald sneered.

  Zahid stepped away from Donald and headed outside just as he heard Dianne start up with the familiar cry. ‘Has anyone seen Trinity?’

  Zahid was looking at her now.

  She was a bad bridesmaid, if there was such a thing. The flowers were wilting in her hair as she drained her champagne glass and then muttered something very unladylike under her breath.

  ‘Language, Trinity,’ Zahid said, and she rolled her eyes.

  ‘I hate weddings.’

  ‘They are a part of life.’

  ‘Well, if I ever get married it will be on a beach with no guests.’ She glanced at him. ‘What about you?’

  ‘There will be many guests and it will go for two or three days. It will be a national holiday and the wedding date will be marked each year with the same...’

  It sounded so horrific to Trinity that she actually laughed. ‘I shouldn’t complain really. So—’ Trinity tried to keep her voice light ‘—when is your wedding day?’

  ‘I will marry next year.’

  It was ridiculous, Trinity thought, but as she stood there she was filled with a strange ache of sadness.

  One kiss might not sound much, but that one kiss was her only pleasant memory even remotely attached to sex.

  ‘You ought to go back inside,’ Zahid said. ‘Your mother is looking for you.’

  ‘I loathe them,’ Trinity said.

  ‘It shows.’

  ‘I love them, though.’ He was surprised by her admission, not that she loved her family, more at the hopelessness in her voice. ‘Do you get on with your family?’

  ‘I do,’ Zahid said. ‘Most of the time.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Meaning most of the time I get on with them.’

  ‘You’re terribly straightforward.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Just that.’

  ‘You should never assume,’ Zahid said, for his thoughts were less than straightforward where Trinity was concerned.

  ‘I don’t want to go back in,’ Trinity admitted
. ‘Do you think anyone would really notice if I just disappeared?’

  ‘You know that they would,’ Zahid said. ‘It will only go for another half-hour or so.’

  She let out a breath. Half an hour felt like an eternity right now. ‘I don’t want to sing.’

  ‘There are many things that I would prefer not to do.’

  ‘But you do them.’

  ‘Some of the time.’

  ‘Would you sing?’

  God, but she loved it when he smiled.

  ‘No.’

  His smile almost turned to a wince as Dianne’s voice invaded them again. ‘Trinity?’

  He watched her jaw grit as the call continued and her mother’s voice started to get near. Zahid took Trinity’s arm and led her around the corner to where it was dark, and she could smell the pine from a tree and the thud of music and people in the distance and she wished they were back there in the woods.

  ‘I wish you’d taken me with you that night.’

  ‘I was tempted.’

  ‘It didn’t show,’ Trinity said, and in sudden defence she mocked him a little. ‘Have you been trained to hide your emotions?’

  ‘Who said that I had any?’

  She attempted a suitable reply but it dawned then that his hand was on her waist and the other was on her face when normally contact, any contact, was unbearable, just not tonight, and so she answered his question. ‘Your kiss told me that you did.’

  ‘Sex is not an emotion,’ came his brusque response, but for the first time he lied and she knew it, for neither could deny what thrummed between them now. It was more than lust yet it tasted almost the same, it was more than want yet still he fought not to call it need as he looked to her lips.

  ‘Where were we?’ Zahid asked, but the years could not disappear. There was so much hurt there that for Trinity it was not as simple as a kiss. So great was her fear of contact she was petrified how she might react to his touch. She knew about his reputation with women and, of course, he assumed hers, but just as a kiss was surely inevitable Trinity saw her way out and she leapt on it and wriggled from his arms. ‘I doubt your fiancée would be very pleased...’

  ‘I have not chosen my bride yet,’ Zahid said, and he took her champagne glass and placed it on a window ledge then pulled her back to where she had been just a second or two ago. ‘If I had, I would not be about to kiss you.’