Diaries of a Heartbroken Duchess: A Historical Regency Romance Collection

by Hamilton, Hanna

  “It’s all his fault,” Katherine said, pointing to Daniel. “He wouldn’t let me tell you he was back.”

  “Guilty,” he said, raising his hand.

  “How did this happen? I didn’t expect to see you for ages. And did you get my letter?” she asked.

  “I didn’t. Did you get mine?”

  “I certainly did, and I answered it just before I moved to Haverford.”

  “Navy mail is very slow. And with us at sea, it may take months. But the reason I’m here at all is that we got called back to port unexpectedly. It seems we have a new mission and needed to be outfitted differently. So here I am—with shore leave for a week.”

  “How delightful,” Susan said. “But you know I’m employed now and not as free to visit as I was previously. I have the most adorable charge now—a sweet five-year-old named Elizabeth. She’s the daughter of the Duke.”

  “How did you get here?” Katherine asked.

  “I borrowed a trap, why?”

  “Why don’t the two of you go for a drive? Take a walk along the river. It’s such a lovely autumn afternoon then you can come back for tea.”

  Susan looked over at Daniel, who was smiling and nodding.

  “That sounds lovely,” she said.

  Daniel took the reins and flicked them to get the horse to move. They drove mostly in silence until they reached Susan’s favorite river walk.

  Daniel tied the horse and they began their promenade. He took her hand in his and gazed into her eyes as they started out.

  Susan was still reeling with the surprise of seeing Daniel, but she was enjoying herself immensely. It felt nice to have her hand in Daniel’s, and it was also nice to be walking along in silence. She’d come to realize that to be truly silent with someone and at the same time to be in total peace was a rare gift. She couldn’t help but remember walking along this very path with Sir Jasper and enduring his incessant chatter.

  “It’s so wonderful seeing you again, Susan,” Daniel finally said. “I’d resigned myself to a much longer absence, and now here we are.”

  “Then you missed me?” Susan asked.

  Daniel looked into her eyes and smiled. “Need you ask?”

  Susan returned the smile. Daniel squeezed her hand.

  “Susan, I’ve given a lot of thought to what we discussed previously about my life at sea.

  “You said so in your letter and I really appreciate you giving consideration to the matter.”

  “Susan, it’s very important that you answer me truthfully, and tell me what is truly in your heart.”

  “Of course.” She looked at him with some concern. “Why would I not?”

  “Good. Because these are my thoughts. I really care a great deal for you Susan, and if your feelings were as intense as mine, and you agreed to marry me, then I would be willing to give up my naval commission and seek a land position so that we might create a life together.”

  Susan was struck silent as she integrated what he’d just said.

  “Marriage? Are you asking me to marry you, Daniel?”

  “Only if you feel completely ready.”

  “Oh, Daniel… this is so sudden.”

  “I know. And I’m sorry—it’s just that we have so little time together.” He stopped walking, released her hand, and turned to her. “But we can wait. I absolutely do not wish to rush you. It’s just that it’s so difficult in my situation. I have no time or way to court you casually, and I wanted to express my feelings so that you would know exactly where I stood.”

  Susan’s heart and mind were racing. She was trying to reconcile all of her emotions. But the one thing she knew right now was she did not want to rush into this. She’d just made a commitment to Elizabeth and she wanted to give the girl at least a year or two before considering leaving her. And as much as she was attracted to, and admired Daniel, their recent re-acquaintance was too recent and she felt there was not enough bedrock to their relationship.

  “I’m not ready yet, Daniel,” Susan finally said. “But please let me acknowledge your willingness to sacrifice your navel career for us. But I think we both need more time.”

  “But you’re not rejecting me entirely?” he asked.

  “Oh, Daniel, no. Not at all. And, in fact, I want to encourage you in the strongest terms. But it’s just too soon. I hope you understand.”

  Susan went on to tell him about Elizabeth and how much she was helping the child. And how she wanted to give her the best start in life that she could, but that would take some time.

  “I fully understand,” Daniel said. “And I honor you for your dedication, and it makes me love you all the more, for I know what a good mother you would be to our children.”

  That embarrassed Susan somewhat and she looked away and started walking again.

  Daniel caught up with her and took her hand.

  “I hope I’ve not scared you off. You must forgive me for my haste. But I promise to be patient and totally there for you.”

  Susan looked up to him again. “Thank you, Daniel. I really appreciate that.”

  The late afternoon light was beginning to fade and, with it being autumn, there was a definite chill in the air.

  “Shall we head back? I think I’m ready for tea,” Susan asked.

  “Yes, and if I know Katherine, she’ll be busy baking some wonderful treat for us.”

  Tea was chatty, as Susan told the family all about her new job and how adorable the young Elizabeth was. She talked about her walks and how charming and respectful the Duke was to her. And she gushed about Aunt Clarissa and how none of that would have happened without her respect for, and understanding of, Susan.

  It was starting to get dark and Susan was concerned about getting back to Haverford House. And before too long she would be required to bathe and put Elizabeth to bed.

  Susan stood. “I really must be going. Thank you all for a wonderful afternoon.”

  Katherine spoke up with a sly smile. “Daniel, will you show Miss Susan to the door please?”

  “Of course.” He was already standing and offered Susan his arm. But before taking it, Susan wrapped the shawl around her shoulders.

  “Shall we?” she asked, taking Daniel’s arm.

  As they were leaving the house Daniel grabbed his bicorn captain’s hat and took it with him to the door.

  He helped her up into the trap and before she left he took her hand.

  “My dearest Susan, I’ve had no opportunity to shop for something special for you. And as I’ll be leaving again shortly, and I don’t expect us to meet again this trip, I want to leave you with a token of my affection.”

  “Oh?”

  Daniel took his hat and removed the folded ribbon cockade that was attached to the side of the hat that denoted he was a captain.

  “I wish you to have this. Wear it in remembrance of me.”

  “How lovely, thank you. But you won’t be court marshalled and forced to walk the plank because you gave this to me, will you?” she asked teasingly.

  Daniel laughed. “If so, then I shall be honored to go to my death for your sake.”

  He handed her the rosette. “May I?” He asked, leaning in for a kiss on her cheek.

  “You may.”

  Chapter 13

  The next morning, Susan and Elizabeth were in the girl’s room where she was receiving instruction in the alphabet using wooden blocks with letters on the sides. They were arranging the letters into various simple words and Elizabeth’s little hands were deftly rearranging the blocks to make new words that Susan suggested.

  There was a knock at the door and John came inside.

  “Good morning to you both. May I see what you two are doing?” he asked.

  “Of course, Your Grace. We are doing our ABC’s and beginning to form words.” She turned to Elizabeth. “Show your father.”

  Elizabeth looked up at John, and then turned to the blocks and spelled out his name. “That’s you,” she said beaming.

  “Well, aren’t
you the clever one. That is me indeed. Now can you spell out your name? It’s a little longer.”

  Elizabeth immediately rearranged some of the blocks and there was her name.

  John kneeled down and put his arm around his daughter’s shoulders and studied her for a moment.

  “How like your mother you are,” he said softly.

  Elizabeth turned to him and asked, “Is Miss Susan my new mommy now?”

  Both Susan and John were startled and exchanged quick glances.

  “No, Honey,” Susan quickly said. “I’m your teacher, and I certainly care about you, but I’m not your mother.”

  “Why not? If you care for me then why can’t you be my mommy?”

  “It doesn’t work that way. I’ll explain it to you later,” Susan said gently.

  When Susan turned to John she caught him looking at her with the sweetest smile.

  “I’m sorry,” she said blushing slightly.

  “Nothing to be sorry for. Out of the mouth of babes…” John said, but now he had a troubled look and stood. “I best be going,” he said and then directly left the room.

  Susan could see he’d been upset by his daughter’s comments. She hoped it would not sour John against her. He’d made an effort to support his daughter and she was happy for that. Perhaps over time, he would continue to warm toward her.

  * * *

  After leaving the nursery, John went to his bedroom and paced. He stood for a moment overlooking the park. It usually brought him peace, but now he was still disquieted. He couldn’t get his innocent daughter’s comments out of his mind. Of course, she had no memory of her mother like he did, and, as nonsensical as it was, he resented his own daughter—again—and just when he was starting to warm to her.

  John was hurt. John was angry, and he couldn’t understand why. Finally, he went to the armoire where Annabel’s clothes were still stored. He threw open the doors and began throwing her dresses, gowns, robes, and accessories onto the floor. Instinctively he knew he needed to rid himself of the clutching memories these clothes represented. It was painful, but it was also liberating. He needed to move on and his reaction to his daughter’s words had triggered something inside him. And, as he rid himself of her clothing, he began to feel a warming release.

  He dashed out of his room and searched for Standish, finding him in the dining room

  “Standish…”

  “Your Grace?”

  “I’ve made a mess in my bedroom. Please take everything of my wife’s away. I don’t care what you do with them. I just never want to see any of it ever again. Understand?”

  Standish nodded. “I do.”

  John left, went to the stable, saddled his horse—not waiting for the groom—and galloped out across his open fields.

  * * *

  Later that afternoon, as Elizabeth was having her nap, Susan went to see Aunt Clarissa.

  “I think you may call me just Clarissa now. It’s better if there is less formality between us, don’t you think.”

  Susan smiled, “I like thinking of you as my aunt, but yes just Clarissa it shall be.”

  Susan explained about the incident earlier that morning with John and his daughter. It had upset her and she wanted to see what Clarissa thought about it.

  After Susan told her the story, Clarissa sat, thinking about it.

  “The human heart, eh? So complex. So fragile—and yet so strong. Poor John. He’s been brooding all these years. I’ve seen it poison his life. He’s never been able to look with longing toward another woman. But perhaps now, things will begin to change.”

  “How do you see that happening?”

  Clarissa leaned forward slightly. “Perhaps I shouldn’t say this, but I believe it’s important you know this for Elizabeth’s sake.”

  “Yes?”

  “The servants talk, you know?” she said with a smile. “It seems that earlier this morning—most likely after seeing his daughter—John went to his room and threw out all of Annabel’s clothing that he’d been holding on to all these years. It seems he told Standish to get rid of them all and then he left and has still not returned.”

  “Oh, my… It sounds like the actions of some hero out of a romance novel,” Susan said, with just a trace of a smile.

  “You have no idea how long I’ve been urging John to do just that. I know that true love can be enduring but after a while… He could never let go and both he and his daughter suffered.”

  “Is there anything you think I could do to help him?” Susan asked.

  Clarissa considered that then said, “I’m not sure there’s anything you can do except to be compassionate and patient with him. This is really something he’s going to need to work out for himself, I’m afraid.”

  “And what about Elizabeth? I know she’s too young to be aware of what’s going on with him, but do you think she might continue to suffer his resentment?”

  Clarissa considered, thoughtfully, then said, “That’s difficult to say. I think the best thing there is for you to continue your love and support for her. Hopefully, one day, John will find some healing and come around to her again.”

  “Thank you, Clarissa, I guess we’ll both need to hope for the best for the Duke and do what we can to support him.”

  Susan rose to leave.

  “Oh, Susan, how did your trip to Ash go? Was your friend sick?”

  Susan smiled and told her about the surprise of seeing her beau, Daniel, and the complications they were struggling with.”

  “Ah, a budding romance,” she replied.

  “Perhaps. But we still have a lot to work out.”

  “I wish you all the very best, my dear.”

  * * *

  Susan didn’t see John for several days. He was not at supper nor did she see him out walking or riding in the mornings.

  Then a few days later she saw him when she was taking her usual morning walk. He spotted her, but turned aside and went in a different direction.

  However, the next morning as she was returning from the extent of her walk, John came up behind her and fell into step beside her.

  Susan looked up and smiled, but didn’t say anything. They walked on together in silence for a short distance. Then John said, “Miss Susan, I must ask for your forgiveness.”

  “Whatever for? I’m not aware of any slight on your part.”

  “I was short with you and Elizabeth the other day. I feel I behaved badly and I regret it.”

  “Sir, Aunt Clarissa has apprised me of your enduring grief over the loss of your wife. I believe your action the other day came out of that grief, and I do understand.”

  “Thank you,” John said quietly and they walked on in silence.

  “I know we spoke recently about the school and my inability to move forward with it,” John said. “But I feel you have a right to understand why I’m unable to do that.”

  “If you wish to tell me,” Susan replied.

  John explained about the loan and the foreclosure on the house that was to be used as the school.

  “Oh,” was all Susan could think of to say until she said, “I assume you’ve tried to borrow the money elsewhere?”

  “I have, but to no avail. And, although, I could use the sale of this season’s wool harvest to pay off the loan, with the deadline I have, it will be too late.”

  “And your father-in-law won’t allow an extension?”

  “He already has. And he urgently needs the payment to invest in his own business.”

  “What about selling off some of your land? Would that be a possibility?” Susan suggested.

  John winced. “To my forefathers that would be unthinkable. I can’t let them down.”

  “But if you lose the school, won’t that amount to the same thing?”

  “Hmm. Perhaps, but it would only be a house, with not a significant amount of land.”

  Susan got an idea. “John, I’ve heard from several sources that there is to be a railway line built from London to Dover. Have you heard
about that?”

  John shook his head. “No, I’ve not.”

  “It’s my understanding that it’s to come close by here. My friend, Katherine, was telling me there are railway men in the area surveying for the right of way. It seems they are offering large sums of money for what is virtually a small strip of land through anyone’s property.