Redemption Song

by Melodie Murray

  Ethan raked his hands through his hair. “Don’t you think I know that, Alaina? I have done nothing but kick myself for the past three weeks for that stupid night. I know it was reckless. I know it was wrong. But I can’t take it back! I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you, but I was . . .” He sighed and tried to calm his voice. “I was just scared, okay.”

  “Scared of what?” Alaina asked, exasperation filling her tone.

  Ethan sighed as if the answer should be obvious. “I was scared of losing you.” His shoulders slumped, knowing that this was the absolute worst time to say this, yet he felt like it might be his only chance. His voice softened, all the fight replaced by a sad desperation.

  “I love you, Alaina.”

  Her face shifted, but only for a second. Then it hardened with that stubborn crease that she and Ben shared forming at the top of her nose. “You . . . you love me?” Her voice did not reflect the slightest hint of excitement. It was harsh and accusing.

  Another crack of thunder sounded and the sky lit up again.

  Ethan’s vulnerable emotions flared once more. “Yes! I love you! Is that so hard to believe?”

  Alaina scoffed. “Well, considering I just walked in on you kissing your girlfriend, then yeah, it is!”

  “I was not kissing her. She was kissing me.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes, really,” Ethan insisted. “My agent sent her down here as some ploy to try to get me to come back to the tour sooner than later. I had no idea she was coming. In my mind, we were broke up, but in hers, she only sees what she wants to see. Trust me, Alaina, you are the only girl I want to be with. Vanessa means nothing to me.”

  Alaina laughed out loud.

  “What’s so funny?”

  Alaina crossed her arms and advanced on Ethan causing him to back up as if she was pushing him backward with her mind. “You love me, yet you can’t even be honest with me? After everything we’ve been through together in the past few weeks, all the things you’ve opened up about and shared with me, you didn’t think you could trust me with the real reason why you’re here in the first place? Let’s just call this for what it is, Ethan. You didn’t not tell me because you were afraid of losing me. You didn’t tell me because it was easier to play the sweet grandson role and make yourself look good rather than owning up to what you’d done and admitting you’d made a mistake! You’re not someone worthy of pity, Ethan. You’re a coward. If you really loved me, you would have thought I was worth your honesty, no matter what my reaction.”

  “You know what,” Ethan bit his bottom lip, fighting back his anger. “You have absolutely no right to call me a liar. Look at you!”

  Alaina gasped. “Me!”

  “Yes, you! How long was I here, how close had we become before you let me in on Ben’s little secret? You let me take him out for the day, knowing he was sick, and never even gave me a head’s up about it or anything. When he passed out in that tide, I thought my heart was going to stop and I had no idea he was even sick! A little honesty on your part would’ve been appreciated that day!”

  Alaina paused for a moment and Ethan thought he’d got her, but he was wrong. “Ben passed out that day and you never told me? Did you even tell your grandmother?”

  Uh-oh. Ethan opened his mouth to reply, but after several tries, all he came up with was, “No.”

  “What. Were. You. Thinking!” Alaina looked incensed. “What if he needed to go to the hospital? What did you do, just take him home and put him in bed like it never happened?”

  Ethan sighed. “Sort of.”

  Alaina threw her hands up in frustration. “I understand you didn’t know he was sick, but losing consciousness tends to hint toward some kind of problem, Ethan! Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Ethan shrugged. “Ben asked me not to.”

  “Oh, so you listened to the ten-year-old? Are you sure it wasn’t more like we told you not to let him overdo it, yet you did, and were afraid to own up to it? Once again you’ve shown that you were too much of a coward to just be honest.”

  Ethan’s temper flared. “So you think that just because you’ve led this righteous lifestyle that you have the right to tell me that I’m a coward!” He took a few steps in her direction, causing her to back up a few paces. Ethan continued, his harsh tone never ceasing. “You hide behind your God and your religion as a means to not have to get close to anyone. You don’t hang out with anyone you work with. You don’t date. You talk to the people from your church, but that’s as far as it goes. Just admit it, Alaina. You’re scared to open your heart up to anybody for fear of getting hurt. So don’t you dare call me a coward!”

  Alaina’s expression turned hostile. “If it wasn’t for ‘my God’ I wouldn’t have made it through everything I have in the past couple years. So don’t you dare accuse me of hiding behind Him! I don’t hide in Him, I trust in Him. Maybe if you put a little trust in Him, you’d realize that you don’t have to rely on lying to win your battles for you!”

  Ethan let out a frustrated grunt and spun to face Alaina again. “Can’t you see that loser who got in the vehicle and drove drunk is not who I want to be anymore, Alaina! Have you not paid attention to me at all since I got here? I’m different now; I don’t want to be that guy, Alaina, and it’s because of you! You are infuriatingly decent and you prick my conscience with only the slightest bit of eye contact. I want to be better for you! I didn’t want to lie to you, Alaina. I just didn’t want you to be disappointed in me like you are now!” He closed the space between them, looking her dead in the eye. He wasn’t finished yet. Somehow, he had to make her see. At that moment, another crack of thunder sounded, and the sky let loose, rain pelting the water all around them in heavy drops. Ethan didn’t even notice. “I love you, Alaina, and I have been wracking my brain all week trying to figure out how we can make this thing work long distance. It’s not supposed to end this way.”

  She took a moment to reply, but her voice still contained the same bitterly sarcastic tone. “So you’re done. You’re different. No more lies?”

  “No more lies.” His eyes were locked with hers. Their faces were so close. All he wanted to do was to pull her in and kiss her with a passion that would make her forgive him instantly. But, he’d memorized those eyes, and there was no forgiveness in them anywhere. In fact, her next question took him so off guard that he backed up a little.

  “So where does the press think you’re at right now? I’m pretty sure if they knew the truth, your story would be all over the internet.”

  Ethan opened his mouth then closed it again. Finally, he spoke. “Bruce gave them a story . . . but that’s not me, Alaina. That’s my agent. I didn’t tell them anything.”

  Her voice was calm and controlled, the anger replaced with a pain that matched that of Ethan’s. Rain rolled down her cheeks and he couldn’t distinguish it from the tears. “That’s the point, Ethan. You may not be lying, but you’re paying people to do it for you. As long as you’re in this type of lifestyle, it will never work with us. There will always be too much distance, too many secrets.”

  “So you want me to give up my dream for you?” Ethan asked, not even attempting to hide the defensiveness in his tone.

  “No,” Alaina sighed, all the fight leaving her expression entirely. “I want you to ask yourself what level you’re willing to sink to in order to reach your dream. Because the Ethan I know . . . the Ethan I love . . . is way too talented and way too special to ever have to succumb to lying and showing off in order to achieve his dreams.”

  Her words cut him like a knife. She was right and he had no reply. Instead, he stood in the pouring rain, and listened to the next words that came out of her mouth, knowing that he would never blame anyone but himself for causing her to say them.

  “I have to work early in the morning. When I get home, I expect you to be gone.”

  With that, Alaina turned and walked away. Out of his messed up mesh of two worlds and out of his life.

  Chapter 24r />
  Ethan

  Ethan awoke the next morning with a headache outmatching the hangover induced one he’d arrived there with. The previous night felt like a bad dream, and he’d give anything to fall back asleep and change it all. How had everything reversed so abruptly? One moment, he was content in little Fairhope, Alabama with Alaina in his arms, and the next he was being shipped back to live the celebrity life without her. It was all he could do to roll out of bed and jump the little ladder from the top bunk. Ben snored soundly beneath him.

  Ethan trudged to the shower, then back to his room to get dressed and pack his things, then downstairs to the kitchen. All the while, he kept an eye out for Alaina, knowing with all his heart that she wouldn’t be there. He’d messed up again. He should never have allowed Vanessa in the house to begin with, but he wasn’t even going to blame what happened on her. If Ethan had just manned up in the first place and been honest with Alaina, this could have all turned out differently. She’d been correct in her part of the accusations battle. He was a coward. But she was dead wrong about the other part. He did love her despite the fact that he’d lied to her, and he could already tell that it was going to be a long and painful road to get over her.

  Ethan passed by Ted, who sat on the couch sipping a cup of coffee and watching the morning news. When he entered the kitchen, his Grandmother immediately made the distance from the opposite side of the room and pulled him in for a loving embrace.

  “Oh, lil’ E.”

  “I gather Alaina talked to you already?” He didn’t even attempt to hide the sadness in his tone.

  She shrugged. “Not exactly. But I’ve lived with that girl a long time and I know when something is bothering her. She didn’t have to say much. I take it she discovered your true reason for visiting Fairhope?”

  Ethan repressed a sigh. “Yep. You were right Granny Mae, I should have told her from the beginning. Plus Vanessa showing up just in time for Alaina to come home certainly didn’t help matters.”

  “How did Vanessa know to find you here?” Granny asked.

  “Bruce told her.” Ethan tried to ignore the anger burning in his gut. “Thought it’d get me back on tour sooner. Man, that guy is unbelievable. Guess it worked, huh?”

  Granny pulled off her apron and hung it on its peg. “Now, baby, you know you don’t have to go running off just because you and Alaina are having a conflict.”

  Ethan nodded and took a seat at the island. His own body weight suddenly felt much too heavy for his legs to hold up. “I know that Granny, but I have to go. Alaina doesn’t want me here. I don’t even know why I’ve hung around this long. I have a career to get back to. It was stupid to ever have left it in the first place.”

  “Now don’t you start that, Ethan Carter.” Granny stood opposite from him, leaned her elbows onto the island, and looked him directly in the eye. “The good Lord put you here for a reason and a purpose and you have changed into the most remarkable young man since you’ve been here. I’ve never been more proud of you, lil’ E. So don’t you let your mind go making up reasons as to why you should’ve never come. I think you’ve learned a lot during your stay here and I hope you’ll take it all back with you to that little tour bus of yours. Things don’t have to change, you know. You can still be this guy even out there on the road.”

  Ethan stared at his fingers. He had a billion questions, but only one surfaced. “Really, Granny?”

  She flashed a loving smile. “Yes, baby. God sees us everywhere, not just where we see him. You keep up with reading that Bible . . . don’t think we’ve haven’t noticed you with it . . . and He’ll keep up with you. He won’t let you fall back to where you were if you’ll just stay focused on Him.”

  Ethan struggled against a strange burn in the back of his throat. Was that really possible? The same God that all the men in Psalms wrote songs about could really be with him day in and day out as he toured the country, as he sang, as he spent time with his mom? Could it be possible that he really could find the strength to withstand the temptations of the rock star life if he just put a little trust in God like Alaina said?

  What an overwhelming thought . . .

  “Thanks, Granny,” Ethan said quietly. He sat for a moment more, his thoughts swarming in his mind. Finally, he willed his legs to lift him upright. “I’m going to run upstairs and grab my things.”

  When Ethan reached the tiny bedroom that he’d shared for almost a month with Ben, he stood in the doorway and looked around, taking it all in. The thought seemed to smack him directly in the face. Not only was he leaving Alaina, but he was leaving Ben, too. He looked at the little ball of strength and courage that was wrapped up in the race car comforter on the bottom bunk and felt another chunk of his heart shatter. He’d learned more from this talkative little ten-year-old than any teacher in school had ever managed to teach him. What would happen to Ben? No, Ethan knew the answer to that and he couldn’t even think it. Would he get to see him again before it was too late?

  Ethan had to do something to thank Ben for all that he’d done for him. Ben was Ethan’s fan through and through, but Ben’s star struck admiration didn’t even hold a candle to what Ethan felt for him. He had to repay Ben somehow. But what could Ethan give him that would mean something? That would show Ben how much he cared for him. Ethan glanced down at his small pile of belongings and the answer came instantly. He took a seat at the computer desk with the rocket ship nightlight, grabbed a piece of paper and a marker, and began to write the words he’d been working on all week. When he was finished, he tri-folded the paper, and attached a separate note to the front.

  To Ben,

  Thanks for sharing your room with me, little buddy. I hope this gift will make you happy. Let it be a reminder that you can do anything you set your mind to.

  Your biggest fan,

  Ethan

  When he was finished, he laid his gift on the edge of Ben’s bed, placed the note on top of it, and exited the room, unable to bear even one more look.

  Ted awaited him at the bottom of the stairs, fully packed duffel bag in tow. When Ethan reached the landing, Ted gave him a slight nod, gathered Ethan’s things, and took off toward the car. Granny Mae stood in the doorway with something in her hands. As Ethan approached, she swept him up in the most heartfelt hug he’d ever received and he returned it with everything he had in him. When she finally pulled away, moisture pooled in her eyes.

  “I love you, lil’ E.” she said with a sniff.

  “I love you, too, Granny Mae.”

  She pulled it together quickly and offered a slight smile. “Don’t you dare wait five years before your next visit.”

  “I won’t, Granny.”

  She reached out and took hold of Ethan’s hand and turned it over, palm facing up, and placed the object she’d been holding onto it. “I want you to have this.”

  Ethan’s ran a finger over the smooth leather cover. “But . . . this was Grandpa’s.”

  She nodded. “Yes, and it’s yours now. I know you have a lot of questions right now, lil’ E, and this book has every answer you’ll ever need. In fact, when you get ready to start looking, I suggest you start with the spot I’ve bookmarked for you. You might find it . . . refreshing.”

  Ethan tightened his grip on the book and embraced his grandmother in one last hug before turning to join Ted in the rental.

  As Ted pulled away from the quaint two story house from Ethan’s childhood, Ethan couldn’t help but feel as though his life was about to change. He was a new person and he was going to be different. Even if Alaina never allowed him the chance to show her he was different, he was going to show himself.

  The trip back to New York was long and allowed Ethan way too much time to think. It seemed as though Ted had suddenly become silent once more, having said hardly anything since they’d left the house—which left Ethan to do nothing but be still and listen to the voices inside his head.

  Some told him he was the biggest idiot jerk-face that ever walked the pla
net. Some reassured him that everything would turn out fine. Some hummed lyrics that he’d been working on all week. And some schemed up ways that Ethan could somehow make things up to Alaina despite the fact that he was thousands of miles away and she technically didn’t even want to see him. In the end, the combination of all the voices just aided in the further increase of his headache.

  The flight home from Birmingham to the LaGuardia Airport turned out to be just as entertaining as the flight that brought him to Alabama. This time, not even bothering to suggest first class seats to Ted, Ethan willingly purchased his coach seats. His hair color disguise held up until a fanatic fan recognized him about halfway through the flight. So he hugged every wanting passenger and signed every autograph, all the while plastering on an exhausting grin that hid the pain he truly felt. And the closer he got to home, the worse things got. He knew he was going to have to face his mother, and he felt so . . . ashamed. He’d broken her trust and then gotten insolent when she’d tried to correct him for it, as though he didn’t deserve his entire punishment and more.

  As Ethan entered the code into the security system of his Upper East Side apartment building, he took a moment to try and gather his emotions. Everything he’d been keeping bottled up for so long was bubbling over the surface of his control and he knew he was about to lose it. He reached for the knob, but it turned before he could touch it. The door swung open and before him was the face that cracked Ethan’s control.

  At the site of his mom, Ethan’s guilt, and sadness, and remorse, and every other emotion that was swimming around in his system, made its way straight to his eyes. He shot a quick glance at his mother, waiting for her to yell at him some more, all the while unsuccessfully containing the moisture in his eyes.